19 Sep 08 - Thank you, my friends

Something has been prompting me to return to this blog these days..

After reading B’s reply, to be honest, I felt the pain again.. hence I didn’t want to return to this blog again.. (FYI, I’ve hidden this blog from my dashboard and am active in my new blog) I’ve not even bothered to take a second look here.. but now that this something has been prompting and I’ve returned.. I just want to THANK ALL OF YOU who has been reading my diary (not a uplifting one though).. but you still gave the time to read.. THANK YOU!! I LOVE YOU PEOPLE!

*****
To Jn, Anonymous and friends>
I really thank you for sharing my pain and even anguish. I thank God for your prayers and care. But I hope my experience will not pose any hindrance to your happiness.

God loves you too. He wants to bless you with blissful relationship and marriage. Stay close to God and He’ll show you to the one who has been waiting for you – the one whom He has planned for you.

But be assured that there'll be trials in relationships. But God's eyes are upon those He love and He'll see you through it all. That is a promisee!
Keep the faith up, continue to believe in Love for love is from God.

*****
To B>
You have written an excellent reply.. totally impressive..
But you would never be able to imagine or even try to understand the pain and hurt I’ve gone through because of your words.. I really pray you’ll learn from this – YOUR WORD IS YOUR BOND. Do not let your tongue speak idle words in future. You may not see the impact but consequences of these words will surface one day.

In a way, I have to thank you for putting me through this journey.. For God has shown me through this pain that He is so much closer than I thought..

I forgive you, B.
I know you do not know what you were doing when you said those words to commit or even those hurtful words to push me away. Nevertheless, please know that I love you. Let God be our Guide and lead our ways in future. God loves you, Bosco.

10 Aug 08 - My last entry for B

i dunno to feel sad or happy..dunno what to do..
i know i've been thru this before,2 times..for TH n for Lawrence.. i know i can do it,but it still hurts me so much to do this..

i was quite happy from my encounter in adoration room and Mass this morning.."Take heart,it is I;do not be afraid"...but now the joy is covered by this.. i know i have to move on..i tot i was moving on fine.. why do i have to meet him?..

i know the B now is nt worthy of my tears n my hope that he might read this blog one day.. but i did it anyway with the slightest hope.. perhaps perhaps perhaps..too many perhaps with hope.. when my greatest fear realises now,i find myself with this hurt again..but i'm nt crying,i'm nt smiling..just peace..the strangest peace..as if i've always prepared myself for this.. yes i fear,totally afraid this would come..but i've also learnt what u fear most will come true,rather than what u desire. so i guess that's it..

For sake of my family,i'm moving on..i have to.. but i'll always love B..from this distance. I know i wun be seeing him again,unless it's God's Will that we should be together. I wont see him again.. it hurts but i have to trust God in His timing, in His plan. I'll only make things worse for me to bear if i dun trust Him.. J,u r really of little faith..

i've arranged his stuff to be taken away..trust me-it's not easy as for me as u r reading now..but while i'm still sensible now,i might as well act fast.. I might regret tmr,or one day.. but this is what i have to do for now..

.... .... call it spooky - but someone just sent me an email "Waiting on God - This is the lesson for us. We must wait for God's timing and embrace wherever we are in the process. When we find contentment in that place, we begin to experience God in ways we never thought possible." what a timely message for a broken heart..

i will always love you, Bosco. I love you.

9 Aug 08 - NDP08, Black Knights n B

before i start this entry,i just want to thank all of u for all ur love n concern(dun care if u've been reading or just happen to read my last entry)..Thank you! Dont worry i'm ok..I'll be still and wait for the Lord(that's what He has told me to do)..He will make a way when it seems to be no way..

*************
just watched BEST part of NDP08 parade - my all-time fav:contingents from army+navy+airforce (men-in-uniforms!!! OK OK, i've this super fetish for men in uniform..) and super awesome airshow performance by Black Knights. in fact, i ONLY watch these 2 items;the rest of it i've no interest..even the songs and fireworks have lost their appeal..i'm very contented to be in my room now,be with my blog..

watching the airshow,i really miss B..B is a fan of aerospace too (in fact he's greater fan) my excitment for such boy-stuff only exist after my involvement in Aerospace event..the feeling of flying in the air..totally amazing n addictive..(dun worry,i wun be a pilot-the air traffic is safe).B flew solo on a plane before.. i cant tell u how proud i am of him, i really am. how many people can have this SOLO experience?

B was with me in NDP before..in padang..we were excited,at least i was.. i'm really proud to be Singaporean. How we cheered and even attempted to join that dance-step.. mind u,B is really good in dance,he picked it up so easily..we had such fun..

but now,i'm alone..patroitic but alone..(OK my whole family organise this great feast to celebrate at home n everyone is here,but i still feel alone..)

B might be in his granny's family now to celebrate this day..but will he be thinking of me?.. will he ever know i still love him? i know it's not for me to decide or expect from him,but i'm still a mere human..i still love n miss this person i love so much, even though it's been so long.. I still love B

7 Aug 08 - Stop pushing me!

Feeling very upset now..

B finally replied to my hardening sms sent on Monday (the one which i told him i'll arrange his stuff to be couriered over)..he replied "Dun be silly.We're still friends and i can still pay u visits right? tonight u free for me to get the stuff?If not,can we arrange a day next week?Monday or thursday if u can.My stuff have been there long anough,not very nice occupying ur space.haha"

honestly, what is he thinking!? Cant he see i have my reasons for not wanting him to be around my family, my parents? I dun want to upset my parents, though i'd like to see him again. Yes-we might still be 'friends' to his definition; but friends come my house upon invitation! His invitation will come one day, but not now... I requested for his address in order to courier..

The sms continued and he's kinda persistent to get his stuff face-to-face with me (minus my parents). What a good reason - save money.. And he wants to pass me my stuff (my stuff? it's few items, of which only my Jap notebook matters to me).

I really dun like it when he keeps pushing me into this corner. in the end, i decided to tell him off by 'informing' him i'll be away and will contact him when i'm back (esp since he dun bother to follow my blog anyway)..

Then his ULTIMATE sms came - "where r u going n how long?Dun wanna drag this longer leh.Just wanna settle thing thing coz its been on my mind n its tiring to keep dragging" Can u feel the pain in my heart? I know what has to be done have to be done. But I've already proposed a DOMESTIC COURIER, why is he pushing me!?

In my totally upset mind, i shut him up with "U can courier to me since u'r in hurry.Btw,u've not given me ur adress.Thanks." What a political sms! I cant believe i actually sent it. But I am really really very very upset!!
Enough is enough - Stop hurting me when i'm trying to do something about it!

...he din reply..and i still don't know his address to arrange his courier...

SunScreen

I really like this song cos it's the most sensible song i've ever heard..

********
Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of ’97

Wear sunscreen;
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience…I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth;
oh nevermind; you will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded. But trust me, in 20 years you’ll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked….You’re not as fat as you imagine.

Don’t worry about the future;
or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing everyday that scares you

Sing

Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts;
don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss

Don’t waste your time on jealousy;
sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind…the race is long, and in the end, it’s only with yourself.

Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults;
if you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters;
throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch

Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life;
the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don’t.

Get plenty of calcium.

Be kind to your knees;
you’ll miss them when they’re gone.

Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll have children,maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll divorce at 40, maybe you’ll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary…what ever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either – your choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s.

Enjoy your body;
use it every way you can…don’t be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, it’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own..

Dance;
even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.

Read the directions;
even if you don’t follow them.

Do NOT read beauty magazines;
they will only make you feel ugly.

(Brother and sister together we'll make it through Someday your spirit will take you and guide you there I know you've been hurting, and I know I've been waiting to be there for you. And I'll be there, just tell me now, whenever I can.
Everybody's free.)

Get to know your parents;
you never know when they’ll be gone for good.

Be nice to your siblings;
they are the best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go,but for the precious few you should hold on;
Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard;
live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.

Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths;
prices will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old, and when you do you’ll fantasize that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were
noble and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don’t expect anyone else to support you;
Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one might run out.

Don’t mess too much with your hair;
or by the time you're 40, it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it;
Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen…

(Brother and sister together we'll make it through Someday your spirit will take you and guide you there I know you've been hurting, and I know I've been waiting to be there for you. And I'll be there, just tell me now, whenever I can. Everybody's free.)

5 Aug 08 - Want to be alone

i really want to be alone..perhaps it's first sign of depression relapse,perhaps i really need to be alone to discern from God..As usual, i look forward to return to my refuge country - Taiwan. I imagine myself being in the mountains, with all the greens and farm animals alone, all the fresh air,nothing to bother me.. I really want to be alone..

But i know it's not possible..at least not this month.The 'retreat' lodge has just been affected by the Typhoon..it'll take them a while to get back to business again, even though i wish i can fly over this weekend. I know i have to be normal, try to be normal.. maybe the song will fade away,maybe things will get better.. just keep holding on.. regardless how i feel,life still goes on, the race's still on.. i cant win if i give up running, even slow jog now helps..just keep moving..

i know i'll return to Taiwan.. just a matter of time.. hope i can maintain my sanity till then.

darling...darling..my darling..where are u? will i be able to find u before i lose my sanity?

4 Aug 08 - Miracle of Time 歲月的奇蹟

this morning i read B's sms which i received last night(it came to my phone while i was writing my diary my notebook last night,i didnt want to let go of my diary)..the sms says he's surprised to see me too,didn't know what to say,n hope to catch up again..what a politically correct n polite message to a friend u bump into.. it hurts.. a person who know u so intimately yet has to use such formal social greetings? what is he thinking? does he not know that such formal greetings hurt the one who love him so dearly? i harden my heart n sent a political polite response..and inform him i'll find a way to return his stuff to him without having him to come over..

i remember how he came up to me when i returned from shanghai,how he said he had prayed about us,how he said 'this is the last time i'll take this path to come you house' and how he promised that he'll take care of me forever..i dun wan him to discredit his words..a man's words is his bond. Be it casually or seriously,the tongue hold the power of life n death. if one day,he'd to return..i pray God will make another way for him, for us..cos he had taken this path to return before,and his words had closed that door..May God open another path for us..

the return journey back to singapore was a challenge again..i dun even dare to look out of the windows,at the green fields cos it reminds me of my Tioman trip w B..we had a great time though it was a short trip..i really miss my darling..where is he? i cried on the bus again..i tried to fight my tears with God's Promises mp3,sleep and even tried to make myself focus on the cartoons channel in the coach. Anything that can keep me away from breaking down, from missing B..

i know i need to be back with my family asap,so i called my dad to pick me up from the coach drop-off point. when the reunion settled down at home,i keep hearing this song..Miracle of Time..a song which B n I inspired to pen it down during our dating period, in a music cafe,..and he composed into this really beautiful song..he sang to me on my birthday n i recorded it in my handphone.. this is OUR song..

i cant shake it off..the lyrics,the rhythym keeps singing itself in my heart...i miss B..i really do.. but i know i'll make a fool of myself again if i see him face-to-face.. God, i know it's a nice song but please make it stop before i slip into depression again..

3 Aug 08 - Prayer answered: I met B

i was quite disturbed when my group started the whole hype about meeting the worship band..they really idolise them! the whole purpose of coming here seems to be meet these people - how cute they look, how well they play.. i mean,it's ok to appreciate their talents, to give credits for their hard work to evangelise to the youths, but it's more of idolising to me now.. esp when they got so excited when the drummer went by. It's like fan-club gathering..

But i told myself - they're still young.And that's how FIR and the Taiwanese bands' concerts are like, even for Sun..Just another God's way to reach out to the youths..The rest of it,let God do the balance..

I miss FOP..why am i here when i can attend FOP, listening to God's Word in Singapore? The focus here seems to be the worship band, rather than desiring God's Word..i know music urshers in the Presence of God,but i dont want to be in a performance concert, i want the Presence of God, His annointing to come..I want to know God more,His Word, His plan and everything He has to say to His people..Totally clueless why am i here,yet i'm here..

When the door opened,Leonard n I dashed in to book seats for 24 of us(fyi-we're the first 3 persons who had been sitting in front of the entrance for 2hrs). Typical CHC,u might say.It's ok-i'm proud to have CHC seat-booking spirit! What a 'team-spirit' to book seats for whole cell-group!

**********
When I settled down in my centre seat besides the 2 young ones i'm taking care on this trip,i glanced ard n saw B's friend.Started to have small talk with her,when B came up behind me. I mean,B CAME UP BEHIND ME! i was in TOTAL shock!! 101% speechless yet I hear myself talking..(remind me of the last night when he came to my house)..I know i miss him,i love him,prayed that i'll see him,but God!I'm so not ready for this! talk abt acting normal,i was so shaken inside!!! we had quick chat,i remembered asking him 'how's Mikii'..and that's all i remember now..And yes-apparently he has not been reading my blog.. I was shaking!i felt my hands shaking, shaking badly..real badly..i dunno how it ended,but i'm glad it ended..

immediately after he left,i left my seat n cried out for support..before anything happens to me.Joel n Lydia-the only 2 who knows abt B. I really cried for their hug..i need that hug. i'm TOTALLY disturbed in my emotions and focus..what a good prayer to make,J,wanting to see B and it's now answered n u get urself so messed up...excellent

i really struggled to focus on God back on my seat..i know B is sitting on the right of me,i'm so so so distracted..i prayed n prayed,kept pressing n pressing on..If God is not my Lord of All, He is not my Lord at all..If God is not my Lord of All, He is not my Lord at all..This is a time of testing when i have to choose between God n myself; to prove God is indeed my Lord..I prayed so hard to stay still in Lord..

By the 4th song,i know my focus is right-it's not abt the loud music..i sense the Presence of God coming down from above..like a cloud dwelling in our midst.I know He is in control,He is holding my hands in this race.Memories start to flood in.. saw myself saying the Lord's prayer in old CHC church building(my conversion moment)..the times with TH,the sins i've made..how rebellious i was..my near-death experience on the ops table..and my depression..all these i could never have survived without Him..He has been holding me ever since He called me to church..His grace is more than enough for me. I wont go thru all these in vain,He has a purpose for me..though i do not know and cannot understand..He is just too great to fathom, too great..

i heard the preaching years ago when CHC started to step out to be church without walls..greater things are yet to come,if we are willing to offer our lives to God..i was really expecting more than that..afterall i came all the way to KL for His Word! there has to be more than that..Then the preacher started to share a young girl's journal..i know and i know this is affirmation of what i received earlier.. my life experiences will not be in vain,God has His reasons for putting me thru all these..He has His reasons. And i just broke down and cried.. "God,i offer my life to you" a prayer i said when i was a young Christian.And He actually took my word seriously and has been using my life ever since...I really thank God for putting me in CHC to build my foundation with Him..As i cried,my directions become clearer..even clearer..

**********
I was on radar for B after the meeting..i tried to conc on taking care of my 2 young girls in the crowd,esp both of them r tired, but i still caught sight of him in a corner with his friends..i was disturbed..

After struggling inside for 1hr,i decided to sms my godfather and a good friend..(fyi i dun contact any one at home when i'm overseas..it's just not my style..but i am desperate now, THAT desperate) i know i can always count on my goddad,who always understands how i feel towards B..And i believe in accountability-God has appointed him to have authority over me so i am to be accountable to him, just as he is accountable to God for my journey..And i thank God for him cos no matter how late,i know he is always there for me..

True enough,his 2 sms reply calmed me down..ALOT. I know he's standing the gap for me..then my friend replied in sms that B has changed. fyi both of us saw B's love n potential inside him,the aura which we are attracted to..but now I cant sense this loving aura.. or is it me who was so nervous that i cant sense this aura? has he changed? what happened to this aura,this atar which i am so drawn to? where is my darling,B?

3 Aug 08 - Mass in KL

I wet my pillow last night.. totally wet with my tears.. I know today is a new day from God.. but i really need to hear from Him.. I need His hug to tell me everything is alright..

Went to St John @ Jln Nanas for Mass. Same settings w same attitudes..people minding their own business in the House of God...i really cant care less about anyone anymore,not even my group mates (after knowing they've settled themselves)..I just want to come to Father..no one knows this pain, this burden i have.. only Him..

5 loaves 2 fishes.. what a common story to inspire God's people to offer what they have to God..But i desire something more.. something my eyes have yet opened to.. What is Jesus doing, how did he feel when he decided to do this miracle? Compassion? As i kept asking these qns during the Mass, i realised that's more to compassion..so much more..if only He could find someone who desires for Him,He is willing to do any miracle to feed them.. more than just 5 loaves 2 fishes..

tagged in my heart to open my Bible ..and found this verse jumping at me..
Psa 20:4
"May He grant you according to your heart’s desire,and fulfill all your purpose."

tears rolled down again..on foreign land again..

2 Aug 08 - How long do You want to bottle my tears?

If u ask me how was my 1st day in KL, only 1 word - STRUGGLE.

I've been struggling with missing B in the coach,when i see couples on this trip,when the guys tried to lead the way for the girls,when we had to split into small groups to shop,when i was shopping,when i wanted someone to share my opinions n views on purchase.. i really miss B..

to make things worse,the shop right in front of my upgoing escalator is a Magic store. I ALMOST burst into tears on the spot! cos B is a fan of magic stuff. He's very interested in those stuff and always ended up getting those nagging from me on those con stuff. it's really like piercing a needle into my heart - so precise n painful.

where is B? was he like this when he was in Korea? will he think of me when he's shopping? does he remember there is someone who share so much of his taste and views, that she knows what's he's thinking before he could says? where is B? i really miss my darling.. darling, where are you?

Oh God, if You are hearing my cry in this night please have mercy on me, on our love. I really don't know if You're returning B to me, but i pray and i know You've Your plan and You're in control. Teach me Your will, show me Your plan, O Lord. Have mercy on me and turn to my prayers, to the cry of my heart. You alone know how is i long for my joy to be whole. Lord,please return my physical support to me. i cant walk this journey, do this ministry alone..where is my Adam when his rib bone is crying out for him? Lord, please return B to me..I really love love, no matter what he had done. I cant love him less..how long do You want to bottle my tears? How long, O Lord..

1 Aug 08 - Festival of Praise 2008 n Passion@KL

this is the first yr i'm absence from Festival of Praise. i wanted to attend,but cos i din serve in AMP last wk, i think i'd serve today.. when my mind was in indoor stadium,making me hard to focus,that song came again - Be Still. (i dun usually hear that song around,but whenever i'm troubled,it'll appear n keep me still)..

Perhaps cos i know if i go FOP,i might cry again..i miss B. I still do, whether u like it or not. I miss worshipping God together with B..And last yr was his 1st time to FOP...Delia n i was greatly blessed by Don Moen, while Ben n B enjoyed Delirious? ministering. And Pst Phil was good :)

The whole Christian community of Singapore will be in FOP..except Cath..(i dunno why but they're not in the loop of this annual Christian gathering. FOP is always a BIG event cos Christians from all over Singapore will come together to pray, praise and worship God, despite their denominations..Some of my friends in Malaysia will even take the effort to come FOP in Singapore)..Pst Mark Conner will be preaching about Christian lifestyle which i'm been very interested..(i'm so going to borrow sermon CDs again)

***************

i'll be leaving for KL to PASSION youth conference in few hrs' time, taking morning coach. i wonder will B be going? what wld i respond if i 'bump' into him? i miss B so much..even though it's nearly a yr soon. but my love and missing has not been any lesser.. he's always the first person in my prayers,the first person i'd bless when i see couples on the street..when i'm having fun,i want to share with him; when i've some good snacks, i'm still keeping some for him though i dun know if he'd ever get to eat them.

what is he like now? how is his life now? does he ever think of me now? what is his heart now? ... i guess this yr will be a full journey of memories with B..esp Nov12...

31 Jul 08 - Eve of Chinese ghost month

just had a good dinner with my colleagues (believe it or not, it's me who host it)..chatted a lot, shared a lot.. even when my energy level was low, it's good to listen to the interesting conversation..good time after work..someone even suggestted we should make it a monthly chill-out.

coming home, i took the MRT..since my condition,i've avoided MRT..cos B is a mrt-person..just now,when i was in the train and even at the station, i cant help making small turns..hoping to catch B in the crowd..though i dont know how i'd respond but i kinda miss him.. still do..in fact, have been dreaming of him these nights.. perhaps i'm too stress..

what a smoky night cos it's the eve of Chinese ghost month..and my super sensitive nose has been blocked and irritated since 10.30pm..people r praying downstairs, buring incense and offering fruits to spirits who are supposed to be out in this month..it's so funny,isnt it? pple rather believe there's bad spirits around, and pray they'll stay away, but they find it hard to believe in the great loving Spirit of God. Is this culture or just traditional pessimistic mindset? try sharing experience of encountering bad spirit,pple will believe u..BUT try sharing the experience of encountering Living God, pple will rationalise and be skeptical, even label u as religious.

I have this friend who believe in spirits,fengshui etc..he is willing to spend thousands of dollars in a piece of crystal which he believes will ward off bad spirits..Then,i wonder why is it so hard for him to spend less than $50 to get a Bible - the Word of the Living God, who promises everlasting covenant and His faithfulness endures forever. Somemore, He is the Creator of that crystal which he believes in. Why people rather believe in the creation,rather than the Creator? It's so ironic..

I cant say there's no spirit as what science will claims..cos i had my experiences with them. I dont know if it's good or bad-i kinda gifted in this kind of spiritual connection. When i was in my primary days, i thought it was cool;in my secondary days,it started to get scary..trust me - their power cannot be underestimated n thy're always hunting around...and now i delight myself in connection with the Holy Spirit. I know there are still other spirits around me. But i have the Holy Spirit! He who is in me is greater than he who is in the world (1John4:4). I shall walk in fear no more.Amen!

31 Jul 08 - G's wedding request

My mum told me long ago that if i engage myself in more than 3 weddings as 'sister', i'll be left on shelf. To present, i've helped 5 brides to 'test' their bridegrooms on their Big Day.. It was fun, especially when you are familiar with marriage customs, and responsibilities of bridemaid. It's always a joy to be part of their Big Day, to help them organise and coordinate so they can simply enjoy their Day. Yes, it's tiring but it's a joy to me to see 2 persons coming in union.

Why do i use this issue as my starting? Cos i've just been asked to be my colleagues(G)'s bridemaid! This will be my 6th!! Actually I was surprised that she asked...

I accompained G to shop for her wedding gown and studio when I was looking forward for mine with B.She shared her stress and frustration with me during her marriage preparation and i adviced her on her relationship with her in-laws. G was the first person i opened to when B left me. She saw me weeping to her, in washroom and in pantry, and when I had my nervous attack at work.. She is my office support, before i can knock off work to hide myself at home. But now that i'm out of depression, and she's busy with her wedding, we have not been contacting, not even chat in pantry. Yet, I know and she knows in our hearts we'll be here for each other, if thing happens. No word, no action, we just know..


come to think of it, my friendships, with all my friends, are strange.
I'm admit i'm a friend-making, not a keeper. My sister has always nagged at me for not good in keeping friends, and the danger of being alone if anything happens to me. But somehow, i know my friends will 'return' to me when either party is in need.

Honestly, i prefer this way too.. i don't want them to remember me when they're happy. I'd rather them to remember me when they need someone to talk to, when they are not happy. That'll be such an honour to me - to share their woes. It does not bother me if they 'cast me aside' when they are happy, cos i know i'll always have a place in their heart when they need someone.

29 Jul 08 - Clearer now

didn't i share that i was feeling drained n lost? i was..till yesterday,i shared w my colleague (the one who challenged me, remember?).. come to think of it, it's really very amazing..from our doctrine agrument, to sharing of Peter Kreeft's teachings, to common understanding of Rom12, to visiting AMP with me, and now.. he's inviting his friends to go AMP..

as i was saying, i shared w him and requested him to pray with me..i tell u,he really amazed me..it seems like he's grown mature suddenly.. so clear-minded to analyse and ask those really good questions that really help to clear this cloud around me..Though i'm highly inproductive in my work for that 6hrs,i really felt so light after chatting with him. One thing proven - age does not matter when spiritual maturity is concerned.

28 Jul 08 - Healer

When Bible is logos inspired by Holy Spirit for us, this song is another logos..
This is a powerful song.. ministered me in my situation and encouraged me to step forward in response to His Calling, to cry out to Him with all my soul and heart to walk on this path unknown to me...
God is All I need, He is more than enough for me..HE IS!!
Nothing, NOTHING is impossible for Him!





Healer by Mike Guglielmucci

27 Jul 08 - 鳳凰Typhoon in Taiwan!!

i realised i'm so easy to please.. i was still trying to digest my revelation last night and a minor disappointment this morning when i saw the great typhoon in Taiwan. I mean, it IS great! Can u imagine Grade 8 typhoon!! And i'm NOT in taiwan now?? I'm so going to miss this great chance!!

I love great winds. Typhoon, Cyclone, Hurricane, Tornado, Windstorm..u name it. I simply love these strong winds! I can glue myself to the news all day just to follow these winds.. When I was in taiwan, I love the feeling of 'almost swept away'.. In fact, when i have the urge to return to Taiwan, it's always happens to be the season of Typhoons. And this year, i'm going to regret for not being there now! Imagine - Grade 8 中颱鳳凰, and possible stronger!!
中颱鳳凰目前最大風速，在蘭嶼一度測到是14級陣風，而且它的強度持續增強，氣象局不排除會轉為強颱，而成大風洞實驗室可以模擬出風力強度，單單是輕颱的風力，就已經讓民眾承受不住，另外，就過去的颱風案例來看，鳳凰颱風雖是中颱，但已經吹出強颱風力，其威力不容小看。(NOWnews 27Jul08)

OK, at this point u'll say i'm insane. Why do i love these destructive forces..imagine how many lives and properties will be destroyed. But I cant help it! I LOVE GREAT STRONG WINDS!

I love the power of air when they come together in such great force. It's a miracle by itself. Can you imagine the air we breathe in every moment, every minute actually has such a great potential in itself? Yet, very often we breathe in and out, taking air for granted. It is so still and gentle, yet it has such great power within.

Perhaps cos i'm asthmatic since young, that's why i really appreciate air so much. I know how it feels when i desire for air yet i can even breathe in..i've to rush to hospital for medication and even hospitalised.. I really love air-it's so gentle when it's still, yet the power it can release is so great!

I am so going to regret that i'm not in taiwan tonight.. tmr Typhoon Phoenix will be landed in Taiwan and the WHOLE country is on high alert and declared National rest day.. Taiwan has seldom declared such holiday, though it has several typhoons in a year.. and to declare that for whole country! Just imagine that force that demands such urgency! I'm so so so going to regret for not being there now!!

Despite my regrets, my love for such winds really comforts me in my current situation. I can see God is at work - in such great force. I know He is here, working in our midst. i find such great delight in seeing these winds, they are such great works of God!

26 Jul 08 - Running the Race

i excused myself from AMP ministry last night. i just wan to get away from doing what i know i should do.. i went clubbing, dancing.. (dun worry i dun drink when i dance). but somehow like what i shared in my last entry, i didn't enjoy as much as i thought i'd.. in fact, i'd rather dance in AMP than in that place.. One day in God's presence is better than a thousand elsewhere, how true..

i dun understand why i keep feeling drained.. Afterall i have been drinking every week in RCIA,AMP and Mass..even from all the online sermons i've downloaded..I have ensured of being watered..where's the joy.. i really pray for Wisdom to know what He wants me to do, and how to do it..

on my journey to service,i kept asking this qn in mind..then this vision of a cup came to me. (it's good to have a long journey to church - it really helps to prepare your spirit for the things to come; be still)
a cup so deep yet it has several tiny holes...no matter how u pour water in it, the holes, though tiny as they are, have been draining the water out..Very often, we do not bother by tiny hole. I mean, it's so tiny..how much water can it leak.. but when one tiny hole becomes 2 tiny holes and 2 become 3 etc..how draining it can be.. no matter how much water i pour in it, the leakage is flowing out strong.. but..what are these holes in my life? i dun understand..

********************

I entered the service with heavy heart..though my outward is joyful (i'm always very happy to be in CHC),but i know i've all these questions n dryness inside..i cant lift my heart and shout with joy in praise.. I know I'm in deep trouble when i find it hard to praise Him..till worship came.."I will be still and know You are God"..one of my all-time affectionate songs. I had this feeling that something has been in stored for me...i just have to be still.

*******************

Who dares to say God is not God of details? The Word was SO SPOT-ON about my situation, my drain, my doubts... I cannot share my rhema here but i can assure you - i am in awe of God! He never leaves any detail out. During altar call, i answered with my eyes closed and comtemplated in my heart if i should go up front to be prayed..afterall i know what i should do.. the moment i open my eyes,i actually grabbed the hand of my cell-member next to me. Really GRAB! I saw my hand grabbing and i was as shocked as she was..

the next thing i know i was standing right in front of the pulpit to be prayed for. I mean, hello!! there's so many of us crowding to be prayed for.. and i ended up RIGHT IN FRONT of the pulpit.. I dont know about you,but my hands started to shake again as i stand there. i fell under the power of Holy Spirit, right in front of the stage! When i came around, i'm the only one resting on the ground! ok, talk about embarrassing myself in public, u have to admit i'm quite good in it.. but hey, this is GOOD embarrassment! I'd dun mind being embarrassed like this more often, IT IS GOOD!

**************

i always say CHC is my home. Cos it is my Prayer Mountain. I can bring all and whatever i have to this place and i'll find my Lord here. this is the place where matured Christians come together in strong faith to bring forth His glory..I used the word 'matured' cos we believe and commit in the power of prayers! Prayers is not a religious practice but part of our lives!! Big things, small things - we pray. reading the Bible is very first commitment of young believer, as we grown mature in the Lord, we have adopted this prayer lifestyle.

You'll be amazed how God can work through prayers. How much we can grow in the Lord, if we commit ourselves in prayers. Glory be to God!


Hebrews 12:1-6
...let us strip off every weight that slows us down...let us run with endurance the race that God has set before us. We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus..... And have you entirely forgotten the encouraging words God spoke to you, his children? He said, "My child, don't ignore it when the Lord disciplines you, and don't be discouraged when he corrects you. For the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes those he accepts as his children."

26 Jul 08 - Same vision with B

2 things which i reflected in this early morning (very late night)...

1)
I love dancing is a fact. but somehow.. i've lost the zeal for club dancing. Not because i've high expectations on the music flow and DJ mix. But when i open my eyes to see the crowd in the pubs, i really have this hope that one day they'll be crowding in church to dance in the Lord. What a religious view u might say. But what a magnificent sight to be!

I had this vision (shall i say 'push in the heart') since I was a wild club dancer(a very cheong-ster *hokkien language*). I was dancing on the upper floor, looking down at the people dancing wilding on the dance floor below. this qn came to my mind..what if this is not pub but church..seeing all of them dancing joyfully in the presence of Lord, in the House of God..How wonderful,right?

I shared this vision with B when we went dancing one night (fyi, B is a good dancer -few of men whom I've known deserves this compliment). Surprisingly, he also had the same vision. I didnt tell him how happy i was cos i was trying to justify that i had this vision way before he had it. but the truth is I AM HAPPY THAT WE SHARE THE SAME VISION!
perhaps that's why going to club dancing now always reminds me of B, and of this vision we shared. ... if only i had told him this..

2)
i have this gift of loving my boyfriend as who he is, n willing to give all my love just for him to be happy..someone told me i'm full of love.. i dunno why but guys always like me for this gift..and then they cannot cope when i'm in love with them. Lawrence is one, and B is another..

when Lawrence was wooing me, he knew how i treasure love cos TH just broke-off with me then. he really helped me to divert my affection from TH to him. Yet, after 3yr of relationship, he's unsure if he can handle my definition of love.

when B wooed me, i was still in the long distance rship with GQ. He saw how much I'm willing to give in for love, he knew my contemplation in deciding to move over Taiwan for GQ or to maintain our friendship as it was. That was the time B came into my life n i made the decision to stay in SG for him n also cut off my contacts with GQ..then ironically, it's him who decided to leave me cos he cannot handle or unsure if he can be the one for me.

(of course, there were a lot of practical and rationale reaons for not moving on in the rship with GQ. But it's really B who made me made the decision to stay. afterall i know i'll survive in Taiwan if GQ is the one for me - just as long as he is happy)

..i hope i've become wiser now..i do not like to share my love experiences with guys i know.. and even if they knew, i know i will be wise enough - not to mislead them and not to consider them for any relationship at all.

Perhaps i'm still waiting for B to return, perhaps i'm really tired of the hurt this 'gift' has brought me. perhaps one day God will reveal His way to me.. perhaps..

23 Jul 08 - Depression is for the weak-willed?

Someone i know is suffering from depression now.. yet his spiritual buddy (Accountable Partner) keeps telling him to snap out of it, saying it's all in the mind.. that makes him even more depressed..

For those of you who think depression is 'all in the mind', please do your homework on Depression. You are NOT helping a depressed person at all! It's better for u not to comment and withdraw yourself, than to worsen the condition of depression. Depression will not be listed as 'illness' if we can put it off by our own will.
Can you tell flu to stay away from you and to get out of you?

Everyone knows depression is bad, even those suffering under depression knows it. But it's really not within our ability to fight these thoughts and emotions which are flooding us constantly. We know our condition, we recognise our condition, we do not understand how can we be in it and we want to 'snap out of it'. But very often, it's a physical and mental battle for us. We do not ask you to fully understand the struggle and the battle, but please exercise your love and patience.

Stop telling a depressed person to snap it out,
stop telling a depressed person that it's all in the mind.
Where is your love for your brother?

If you have read my earlier blogs, you can roughly see my struggle to fight depression. But you can never understand how much effort and determination are required in this daily mental battle.

If I may put it, i can assure you that depressed minds are definitely stronger than those who are not depressed. You cannot imagine the 24hr x 7days mental defence in this intense battle. The price of this battle is HIGH - our whole life is at stake. We do not have to win, but we MUST win! Any relaxation in our mental defense will cost our life and our lives of our loved ones to fall apart! That is how INTENSE this battle!! Trust me, it's really very tiring and exhuasting!! In a physical battle, there is a possible chance of 'retreating and rest' but in mental, REST IS A LUXURY! If we ever let down our guard, our life and people around us will fall with us.

So please, if you have friends or anyone you know who are suffering depression, DO NOT, i say again, DO NOT tell them it's all in the mind. Because you do not know how heavily guarded they have already built in their mind!! If you don't know what to say, then please SHUT UP!! This is one of those times when your physical presence is valued more than words.

Exercise your love and patience!

21 Jul 08 - what can I say to B

i just saw B in his facebook..I'm happy for him cos it looked like he really enjoyed his Korea trip..not company trip, so i suppose it's a mission trip.. :)

It's kinda funny actually - he went on a mission trip earlier than me when it's my desire to go into mission field...haha..It shows how wasteful I've been with my life, knowing what i want to do yet no action for 15yrs. J,J,J... sigh..

Back to B photos..looking at him now, i dun know what to say..I mean, in the past, i'd feel this love,this hurt, the disappointment by the one i love so much can hurt me so much.. but today,..i cant say i dun feel the love for him but this disappointment n hurt didn't come to me.. perhaps i'm tired (Delia said I'd) or perhaps I've finally leave it to God, or perhaps i've come to terms that he's not ready to face himself(as someone said). I dun know... perhaps perhaps perhaps..

All I know is I just want him to be happy..since the start of our relationship and even now.. As long as he's happy, i know i'll be fine. God will be our Guide.

21 Jul 08 - Denominations Question

Someone asked me this morning on this issue of denominations..why Catholics keep saying Catholic is the 'right' way and so skeptical for the other denominations..

What a so familiar question. how saddening it is for me to see people in such doubt and defense on their faith, when it's all about ONE GOD - JESUS. (if you are defending against other gods, i accept without arguement but hey! this is the same Body we are talking about now!)
On another hand, I also thank God cos I can see His movement to unite all Christians together in one faith. Yes, they ask-they seek and they will find. One day, those who seek will know God's Heart and will not bother about denominations issue anymore. It is Him who matters, not the difference in denominations.

In fact, i realised it's easier for Christians to accept other religions (non-Christ) than to accept our own brothers in the same Body. I know this is sad, but this is fact.

In fact, I once spoken with Fr William..I'm so happy that we share the same view on denominationism issue. This issue is rather frivolous. Tracing back church history, be it Martin Luther or Nero.. it's really human's self interest and politics that give birth to all the different denominations.

Very often, I wonder if the apostles are alive now, what would they feel about our wonderous variety of denominations now? I'm quite sure it'll break their hearts cos ultimately it is JESUS whom we follow. Why do we have to choke our faith with all these weeds? Jesus didn't command us to look for this practice to enter Life, or look for this group of people..He told us to focus on God!

I realy pray all of us will be inspired to be like King David who seek after God's own Heart and God calls him Righteous! How important it is for us to focus on God alone!

So what if i'm catholic, being in the 'right' side, yet not doing the right thing of seeking God, reading His Word and having personal relationship with God?
So what if i'm protestant, being a Bible Scholar and have long QT, yet not demostrating His love to all people?

Is it what CHRISTians (disciples of Christ) should behave? I have a friend who will turn angry at the sight of sin (be it white lies or really bad deeds). I suppose that is what we call 'Holy Anger' cos God detests sin and it enraged Him. I also feel this kind of anger inside me whenever i touch on this denominations issue.

How silly we are to allow these weeds to choke our faith in God, to confuse and divert our focus from the Lord.
How many times I want to shout out Romans 12:4-5!
"Just as our bodies have many parts and each part has a special function,so it is with Christ's body. We are all parts of his one body, and each of us has different work to do. And since we are all one body in Christ, we belong to each other, and each of us needs all the others."
I cannot say which part of the Body is correct or wrong cos the BODY itself is right. I cannot tell you where to be planted in the Lord, which church to go to. But I know if you really desire to be planted and grow, you'll pray and seek God like never before. Then, God who sees your heart will show you His plan.

My personal advice:
Do not move with the crowd, if God is not going with you.
Do not stay in the crowd, if God has moved ahead of you.
Be with the Lord and stay besides Him - only then you'll be able to hear His plans for you!

20 Jul 08 - Seek n you shall find

I love Jesus! I love You, God! Year 2008 will be my greatest year ever, to draw closer to You, to experience and touch You! Higher level of faith!
And I thank CHC TV Ministry for all the online services!! http://store.attributes.com.sg/tv.php
that is what technology should be! Innovated to serve, not enslave people!)

Every weekend i look forward to join CHC internet service broadcast..the place where i get fed in my spirit every week.. Usually i'll download the latest service, in order to be 'on par' with current..
But today i'm so dried and tired that I've come to a pt that i-know-not-what-i'm-doing..I had to push myself to pray and seek Him..then while browsing on CHC website, i chanced upon this Jan08 sermon.. (i was in my lowest pit during that period n was not attending CHC) Something tells me i should watch it..
http://www.chc.org.sg/eng/media/media_video.php

I will NEVER regret spending the past 3HRS in my room, attending this 'out-dated' online service! NEVER! What a joy to be in His presence! and in my own room too!! Praise n worship really pulled down His presence into my room! And the teaching is totally MIND-BLOWING!!

It's amazing how God can reveal Himself, when you really seek Him with your heart! I'm so so blessed! What a timely word for my situation, and yet I've no 'pre-warning' what to expecte! I have to confess - I really felt like a thief who tried to 'steal' every annointing and blessings through the media clip. Silly as it sounds but it's true. Out of so many media downloads, I know this IS the WORD for me! My whole body heats up n my abdominal muscle just so tensed.. .My soul rejoices and just keeps drinking and drinking from this media clip.. I am so confident that God IS with me!

For anyone who want to know about City Harvest Church, I strongly invite you to join Pastor King's service. It will help to clear the skepticism and criticism you might have for CHC.
Just be open, SEEK for the TRUTH for yourself!

19 Jul 08 - Counting blessings in Work

for sake of my Passion wkend, i decided to withdraw from Amazing race today to rest my foot..so i can be active n not limping in KL.. what can i do in rainy afternoon? laze at home with a pot of hot tea with warmer next to me and have some personal time (finally)..spending time with my family watching Ms Universe08... what a way to relax!

yesterday had a meeting with all Asia Pacific offices about manpower planning. I am really very thankful with my boss and guilty whenever they touched on this manpower issue. Thankful to my boss cos she was willing to accept me back into the team, even though headcount is full. She must had done some explaination for my re-hire. I really thank God and her for making a way for me to return. And I'd feel guilty if i dont perform my best in work..

I really thank God for my team, my colleagues..though some are fresh graduates,I'm so glad for their team-spirit and efforts. no matter how ridiculous heavy is the work load, we always cheer and support one another in work. Despite our long hours at work,we still go out as friends to chill out and enjoy each other's company after work.

Come to think of it, THIS IS THE WORK ENVIRONMENT I'VE ALWAYS PRAY FOR!! I have always believe HR people will reflects the culture of corporation. No matter what position i'm in, i'll always try to deliver a supportive team to the business units.

That brings me back to my previous position in the taiwan company.. It has a wonderful culture too. It seems like my prayer for good working culture has always been answered. I'm really so thankful..


Those who want to know how do I get these good offers to work with such good teams? PRAY.
Be specific and focus in your prayer.
God hears and always answers our prayers, if only you humble yourself to pray.
He is interested in all details of your life, really!

17 Jul 08 - Morning Test

it's funny how God arranges things to happen..

Early in morning, i received sms from GQ (we've nt been in contact for so long!! good to hear from him again..)..and soon after a sms from B(he requested that he'll come over to pick his things up tonight). Just as i'm trying to comfort my friend to look onto God in all the pain he is going through now.. this morning sms seems like a 'test' to me.

Not that i dun want to see B but my colleague pestered me to go massage with her tonight(@ very last minute yesterday too)..To make things worse, his stuff are so well-kept in my room that my mum won't know where it is. If I'd to ask her to dig it out, it'll might annoy her further..Not a wise choice to bother my family who is also trying to recover from this hurt.

I know i cant keep his stuff forever,neither can i 'avoid' him forever. But... sigh please pray for me, in making a wise choice to protect my family and also handling relationship with B.

... I just shared w my colleague (the one who really 'challenged' me on my cross-over).. I'm blessed by his sharing of this verse which has also been ringing in my ears for past weeks, but i chose to 'lower its volume'. I don't know if it's arranged by God but it sure directed my focus to His Kingdom..and reminded me of Matt 6:33 (But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you.)




John 21:15-17
So when they had eaten breakfast, Jesus said to Simon Peter, "Simon, son of Jonah,do you love Me more than these?" He said to Him, "Yes, Lord; You know that I love You." He said to him, "Feed My lambs."
He said to him again a second time, "Simon, son of Jonah, do you love Me?" He said to Him, "Yes, Lord; You know that I love You." He said to him, "Tend My sheep."
He said to him the third time, "Simon, son of Jonah, do you love Me?" Peter was grieved because He said to him the third time, "Do you love Me?" And he said to Him, "Lord, You know all things; You know that I love You." Jesus said to him, "Feed My sheep. "

14 Jul 08 - Surprise from Albert

i know it's very late now but i'm really so happy tonight.. it's been so long i've been out so late w a friend for a really good chat. Though it's not a spiritual bonding but it's a good social bonding - just 2 of us.

i received a surprise last night when i log on. my ex-colleague from taiwan is in town for today's meeting and will be flying back on tues morning. How happy i am to receive them in singapore. Not becos i'm from hotel industry, not becos they really regarded me as good friend and family during my stay in taiwan, but cos i really miss them!

i have always envy my current colleagues who always have appointments with their ex-colleagues, for show or dinner.. my ex-colleagues, i mean, those i really connect to and share my fateful 1-week of 'tough' orientation are all in taiwan. I really made a lot of good friends during my orientation week, and during my employment with the taiwan company. U may ask me how about the colleagues who worked with me in Singapore office? Well, Vincent and Kevin returned to taiwan..and Vence is in USA now. As for those who are still in Singapore office, they are really busy n to be honest, i dun 'click' with them very well.

It's really amazing how my trips to taiwan had been so blessed - with all good friends such as Aries,Kai,Albert,Joanne,Nero,Belinda and not forgetting my big sister Jacq and big brother Eli. how they took care of me, going the extra mile of making me feel at home whenever i return to taiwan..Taiwan is practically my 2nd home,if u know how many times i return to taiwan and how long i stayed there..just feel so much at home. taiwan has always been my 'refuge place' cos i know i have my good friends there who'll understand and even open up their homes for me to stay.

Anyway, back to the surprise - Albert is in town! he just arrived in singapore, checked into his hotel room, logged into MSN when I logged in. For a while, i really don't know who is this Albert who is so happy to see me online. Never expect him to be IN singapore without telling me beforehand..it's a last-minute biz trip to attend a meeting with client. And here he is!

I met up with him-so happy to meet him! we talked about everything under teh sky, abt those days, about Kai and Joanne, abt the company now and abt his newly-wed life..before he asked me abt my love life. I shared, i joked and he encouraged me with his own life. I mean, he's really a brother to me. Though his character is not as strong as Kai and the rest, but he's so gentle and u know he really cares from his heart. Both of us are quite alike in our thinking n views so I really had a lot of fun and laughter chatting with him. (really miss the times when kai,albert,joanne and me spent crazy weekends together, how we can argued with one another in the car yet we are back together in crazy fun once we alight the car..we practically spent most of our weekdays evenings together having dinner and going back to work at 10pm..those were the days) they really made every of my taiwan trips so memorable!

i actually thought of returning to my 2nd home..esp i'm 'better' now and should be able to cope with the 4hrs flight alone. but..i dun want B to mistake i'm returning cos of GQ. Though i've not been contacting GQ,but is there a need to create this 'misunderstanding' now? ... or will B ever care??

I miss you all, my taiwan colleagues! i know u guys have been calling,emailing and even sms me to go over, i really feel very loved by your long-distance friendship..hope to meet u guys again soon.. i miss u!

12 Jul 08 - Trust Him

i know i'm very affected by my emotions when i had to pray for strength to exercise my patience w my tuition kids. i know they're just being kids,their usual attention-seeking attitudes..but today it's really a challenge to teach them..i guess they know it after attempting to cross my limit,that's y they decided to make less noise in class. i cant wait to be home,into my room to cry n talk it out here - my space.

why am i affected?I suppose u know cos there's only 1 factor now who can do this impact..i'm beginning to ask myself how long will i take to get over this..others who went thru similiar loss took 3-8yrs..i don't have the luxury of time..trust me,even 2yrs is long for a impatient girl like me. In the past i simply cant stand it when pple know what they should do,yet not doing it..but now i'm looking at the same scenario in myself, then i understand why people not doing what they should do..it's nt that we choose to escape,but it's really cos we are mere human.

We made the decision to face the reality,decided to let go and let God,to move on while waiting on the Lord..We know what we have to do and what commitment we have made. But because we're human. We make our daily decisions to take up our cross..when He made it light for us,we experience joy; but precisely when we thought 'hey i can do it',we take over the share He has been carrying and then we experience the heaviness..

Why cant I just learn to take my own share and leave His share to Him? How long must i take to learn to trust Him? He is the God who parted the Red Sea,blesses His people with victories for His Glory,heal the sick and bind the broken-hearted,and even conquered death by His Resurrection. I know,I talk,I share but do I really trust Him to be so? Such greatness which I cannot comprehend or imagine..possible?

J,u of little faith! When Jesus said 'Blessed are those who have not seen yet believe',he knows it'll be hard for people like u n me to trust Him. We humans have become so hardened that only logic,reasons,and signs will fully convince our hearts. It requires us to make daily decision to exercise our faith, to focus on Him and trust Him even in our 'insignificant' activties. He loves and He cares to the most detailed detail about us. Do we really believe so? Or, we choose to believe that He only cares when we are doing our ministering work in church? Do we really believe He is a God of great details? Remember how precise and detailed His instructions were - building the Tablenacle,building Noah's ark? Remember how bored I was by those details measurements - how many feet by how many feet etc..and He practically covered a few chapters just to tell His people how to build. That IS our God!

He knows your hurt n your 'i'm ok, i'll bear with it' attitude. He will not leave u alone. Let Him carry for you and He'll make things possible. Trust Him - He is the same, as He was in the beginning, He is now and ever shall be.

Isa 42:3
'He will not crush those who are weak or quench the smallest hope. He will bring full justice to all who have been wronged. '

12 Jul 08 - Love is a covenant, not a contract.

i dun wan to start my day today..not bcos i slept late,but i miss B again..kinda mild depression when i just wan to stay in bed to think of him..

last night meeting n chat with my new old friend (JB) was really heart-pouring..perhaps cos he experienced depression before,that's y his advice is even more encouraging. but one thing i dun understand - he said i'll be alright as i'm strong.

Strong..this word is really very puzzling..people who know what i went n going through have this impression. what a false impression.. i still miss B so much that i still cries in my room (eg now),on the bus and even while walking. though i miss B,i still love B so much, but what can i do? nothing n no one can make B realise what he had done,unless he decide to open his heart to receive it himself. it's a hard fact i've to face

so what's my options? to wait; to move on; to win B back.
personally,i wun try to win him back.i know i wun. Not that i'm not pro-active,but i understand B..it'll only repel him further by being pro-active now..
move on- is occupying my days with activties considered as moving on? or moving on=allowing someone to come to replace B?? Not that i'm not open to other 'options' but i cant find the flow with these options. u may say cos i'm still not accepting them cos of B.. i really dun think it's true- i still want to care for these options, to provide for them, but as a friend.. cos i know in my spirit they're not for me..
wait...in fact,that's what His word to me. WAIT. Of course, i'm not going to wait n do nothing.. more of like wait emotionally n see what miracle is in stored for me. Will B return in this wait? i wish,i pray he will but i really don't know.What if B finds a new gf n better still getting married with her? i know it hurts me but as long as he's happy, my blessings will always be there..As for me,i've found my one- we loved n we were 'married' in some ways, but he died suddenly. If i have to remain a widow,i know i will be a happy widow. At least i can share my experience with those couples to encourage them - all things are possible if they are willing to talk it out,commit to the propose solutions.

Love is a covenant, not a contract. Covenant is a commitment to each other even when all things fails,disappointments and hurts come. It's a vow to love, guide, and protect as Christ does for His Church(Bride) and to endeavor in demostrating this vow.

12 Jul 08 - 5th day of limping

i've been limping on my leg for 5 days now..and if u know me,u'll know i like walking (esp 'window' shopping). And yes-despite my aching foot,i still walk n carry 'heavy stuff'.Oh come'on,my normal bad is already heavy to some people..so i'm quite ok with weights. But it's really hard to walk 'gracefully' with this ankle,esp on rainy days.It just hurts more when the weather turns rainy and when i'm bathing (in touch with water). This nice experience is starting to take its toll on me now..I cant even move during praise and worship. That's how bad it was..

I met up w an old new friend (JB) just now.before i tell u how's the meeting, u need to understand how i've been trying to survive this week. U know,after the movie+sprained ankle,i really miss B..guess it's the feeling of 'lack of support'.. i know i've to look onto God for support,but hey,i'm human too, ok? i still desire for a physical support-someone to share,to talk. i really want it so much that i actually prayed for someone whom i can really talk to..really really talk to.

I just receive his email after my injury,n it re-connect us up.It just happens all of a sudden like that...after a long gap. I must say,i'm happy to contact him again. but at the same time, i also fear this connection..in fact,for few days,i was rather troubled by this connection (is it good n wise, or ...) It was only just now that I kinda realise we have similiar personality and character..and common topic too.I never expect us to be so 'communicatable',really enjoyed talking to him..Answered prayer? finally i can really talk to someone and he really understands. Yes,we are even able to share faith too. we sat n we talked..I really enjoy it so much.

I just came back.. i know it's late now,but i've to log this in - God answers prayers!

p/s: JB already has a good gf and i know we'll only be friends. so pls dun speculate or 'prophetize' ok? He'll be my buddy friend (which I already have 2).

10 Jul 08 - I love you, City Harvest Church

yesterday was the mid-point of my RCIA journey..time flies,isn't it? Not that i want to look back, but it's really amazing how was i able to survive the past months..dun worry;I wun bore u or myself w those details, i'm just amazed..

i really thank God for CHC..esp for Pastor Kong,Sun, Sis Jacq, Ziwei, Frances,ChunHua,Alec, Victor Lim,Val,Delia. I can still remember how embarrassed I am whenever Ziwei or Alec introduced me as 'the one who invited me to CHC'...to be honest,i dun remember what i did to invite them..All i remember is one day they came and they stayed. Totally clueless how n why they come.. seriously-not that i'm trying to 'promote' myself but i'm really clueless. That's why i'm super embarrassed by this kind of introduction.(Guys,if u r reading this, dun do this intro anymore ok?) I guess the seed was planted by someone, but harvested by me; and the credit was given to me??? But it's real joy in me to see them all rising up strong in faith n rooted in church- one is a well-trained CGL;another is worship leader in weekly service; both are going to be Godly head of their family.They made such a difference in their school-days too-I can just see the connections of souls they're bringing up to Heaven as their harvest for God. (Hmmm..kinda jealous y i didn't rise up with them, afterall i'm in church longer than them.lol)

Growing up in CHC is really one of God's greatest blessings to me. Besides the strong Biblical teachings,life applications n the strong family bond (trust me-no matter where i'll be,CHC will always be my family), i've also learnt how to face persecutions. i'm sure u know how much in limelight is CHC..to worldly eyes,we'r radical,aggressive n even 'too rich' for a Christian church; to spiritual eyes,we're on the cutting edge of breaking all limitations for God's glory.Everyone will question us on tithing,building fund,church doctrines n commitment,out-reach etc.. I'm sure every CHC member will face these questions, to an extend it's become a norm for us. I really thank Pastor Kong for his teachings to help us face these issues!He is really like our father-he's so open,stern,loving to us.(trust me-when Pastor is stern,he IS stern and will not spare us in his 'loving kindness') That's strong discipleship!

Someone once told me Christian church focus on fellowship,while Catholic church focus worship. Well,it might be true for some churches they've been,but it's definitely NOT for CHC. Worship God and discipleshp is our root,henceforth our strong fellowship, not another way round. Maybe that's y it took us quite a while before we are recognised as denomination of our own.
Someone also told me that people from CHC are easily recognised-I don't know how true but I know I can identify another fellow CHC member just by listening to him/her. I guess is that the church culture lives within us: "To build a church with a strong spiritual atmosphere of faith and purity,where every member is released into ministry,discipled in the Great Commandment to obey the Great Commission." What an honour to carry God's Glory which people can see!!

wonder why i'm so into thanking CHC today? I also dunno..but i know if not for CHC,i'd have committed suicide when all hope was gone and suicide seem to be 'natural' thing to do..fyi,death was always in my mind and i've always been preparing for it. To extend that i often felt the urge to step into the way of a on-coming vehicle, to experience its impact of 'accident', whenever i cross the road. Don't believe? Well, u can ask B..he knows how open I am to talk about death,how crazy I was to be always think of dying..In fact,B also really dun like me having such tots, it took him a while to get me out of these tots. But when B left, i tell u,these tots came back even stronger..tempting me in every ways. I tried all best to resist, for God, for B and myself.

then why i cross-over since i love CHC so much? please do not ask me such question.I've answered numerous times-I just follow. I prayed,I heard,I know i just have to obey.(fyi, if u've been praying for God to speak to u, n when He speaks to u, pls do what He says - otherwise it's really no point of praying for Him to speak into ur life, yet u dont want to follow Him)

If u ask me now,i'd still prefer to return to CHC to bask in the strong discipleship and teachings. That's why I'm praying for a clearer direction n calling now. It's kinda a debate of 'God,I want that' and 'Child,this is for you'. In CHC, I know I can sit back and be fed n feed others..free and easy while staying in contact with Holy Spirit *best of both worlds* But everytime I see the hunger in AMP and even RCIA,I have this burning to rise up to feed this hunger..Guess I just have to find a balance between being fed and feeding others. I wonder how the charismatic leaders in AMP and CTKCPG do it..Please join me in my prayer in this issue, ok?



I love you, City Harvest Church! You will always be my spiritual family!!
"To build a church with a strong spiritual atmosphere of faith and purity,
where every member is released into ministry,
discipled in the Great Commandment to obey the Great Commission."

8 Jul 08 - Be a Servant, Not a Martyr!

Love in Action; part of Servanthood,part of humility - willingness to give up what you like/have. God looks at every heart. Let your actions be in love.

In fact, I know I'll really fly to the moon if God would reward me with 'Well done,you good n faithful servant" for demostrating His Love and be a good steward of His blessings...I know I will and I know He will one day..


Be a Servant, Not a Martyr!
by Joyce Meyer

We all know what a martyr is. We’ve all heard heartrending stories of heroic men and women who, down through the ages, have paid the ultimate price and been killed for what they believe. But there's another kind of martyr without courage and nobility. I’m sure we all know one—a great and constant sufferer who’s always willing to share their pain with anyone who will listen. This martyr wants everyone around to know the sacrifices they’re making in their life.

The "martyr trap" is such an easy one to fall into. We start out serving our families and friends and loving it. But after a while, our hearts begin to change and we begin to expect something in return. After all, we're working so hard and sacrificing so much. Eventually, we no longer have the heart of a servant. We become discouraged because our expectations aren't being met. Our attitude sours, and we soon find out we've become mired in self-pity. We’ve become a martyr.

One morning as I got up and went downstairs to make coffee, the Lord encouraged me to make a fruit salad for my husband. Dave loves fruit salad in the morning, and I knew it would be a nice gesture for me to do this for him. He wasn't up yet, so I had time to prepare it and then surprise him with it when he came downstairs.

The problem was I didn't want to make him a fruit salad. I would’ve taken him a banana or an apple, but I didn't want to take the time to cut up all the fruit, put it in a bowl, and then serve it to him. I wanted to go pray and read my Bible instead! I thought, Why do I always have to do this stuff for him? Why doesn't he do things for me? After all, I have to study the Bible and pray. It's my ministry!

It's funny how we sometimes make the mistake of thinking that spiritual activity somehow takes the place of obedience and makes us more holy—because it doesn’t. The Lord patiently reminded me that serving my husband in this way was actually serving Him. So I obediently made the fruit salad and surprised Dave with it when he came downstairs.

I wonder how many marriages could have been saved from divorce if husbands and wives had been willing to show love by serving one another. It seems that everyone today wants to be “free,” and Jesus has indeed set us free. But He never intended for us to use that freedom selfishly. He wants us to serve others.

I definitely love my husband, and sometimes that love is best expressed through service. Words are wonderful, but when you walk in love, your commitment must contain much more than just words. How can I truly love my husband if I never want to do anything for him?

I don't recall getting any particular reward that morning for making Dave's fruit salad. He did thank me, but nothing spectacular happened. However, I'm sure there were rewards of peace and joy in my life that I didn't even realize—benefits of obedience that I didn't even see.

I'm sure we lose a lot of blessings we never even know about simply because we fail to do for others what we would like to have done for us. We always want to be blessed in return by the people we bless, but it doesn't always work that way.

Swallow your pride and save your relationship. Stop talking about all the sacrifices you make and start serving your spouse. Make them the focus, not you and be a servant, not a martyr!

7 Jul 08 - Search for Righteousness

the moment i woke up, i remembered the sprained ankle - i need to work today..for a moment,i was happy that the ankle pain was gone.But the moment i stepped down from my bed,the pain returns as my weight (not much though-only 41kg) seem to be too heavy for my poor ankle..totally hurtful..

my hugo saw me getting up and back to bed, knowing i'm not rushing off to work this morning.. he jumped unto my bed and snuggled besides me, into to my bosom..like a baby he sleeps while i pat him..it's his way of telling me he's always here for me..perhaps he know i'm in pain cos that's what he did when i was in bad shape..he cant talk but like a son sticks to his mother,he tells me how much i am to him with these little acts for comfort and affection..although we know his first passion is human food, but i suppose i'm next to it.. he is really a smart dog with high situation awareness..can be a real opportunist too..

then my dad came into my room..instead of being sympathetic for my pain,he justified himeself by saying 'See,luckily i never go movie with you all,spend money and get hurt'...honestly, my first reaction to mind was 'hello,no one wants this lor..u didn't want to watch w us cos u've always chose to be hermit - stay in ur room and sleep, eat,sleep." Somehow, i didn't react in my words, i just let him carry on to justify himself for making the right choice and let him smirking away..

This teaching comes to my mind- Righteousness,Peace and Joy. All that we are doing in our lives, everthing that we do now are really seeking for these 3 things all our lives. It's from this inner calling, inner desire to seek for these RPJ, that we make our daily decisions, devise our daily activities and lifestyle. How many times I've the urge to argue back - just to ensure i'm right; how many times i've told people 'See, i told you so'-just to prove i'm right. Being strong-headed and independent, how hard i've tried to be right in order to be righteous so i can fill this Righteousness void in my heart...

Yet, no matter how right we make ourselves, we wont be able to fill this R void in our hearts. How can we find this R to fit perfectly into our R gap? It's like finding the last piece of jigsaw puzzle, but we cant seem to find the right piece which can fit perfectly. We decide to make do with what we find - our morals,perceptions, experiences n the great enlightenment of Science...anything that we can justify ourselves and make us feel right.

Can u imagine how detailed and what delicated fingers God has? He made us in His image, and even crafted this delicately-shaped voids in our hearts which only He can fit. How delicate is His works! We can try to complete our lives with so many things yet nothing, absolutely nothing can fit into the voids except His RPJ..

Maybe you may think-God is selfish or egoist. He created us and yet making us seek for Him, His RPJ..what about the 'free-will' that He has given us? It sounds more like a sabotage plot..

My dear, are you able to create another life in your image? Is the creation greater than the Creator, because of this free-will He has given to His creation? He created us in His perfection which He could have total control over us, but He chose to give us the will which He will never touch. Just imagine this - Michelangelo who painted "The Creation of Adam" gave u his painting brush which he had just used to finish this marvelous painting..what would u do? Holding this brush in hand, do you claim this great painting to be your work? Or, exclaim to the world Michelangelo painted it in great inspiration with this brush that you hold? Who do you choose to give this glory - yourself or Michelangelo?

That is how great God love us! God created us, yet gave us will. We can take this will to give glory to ourselves n justify our own righteousness, or take this will to give glory to God who is Righteous. Too profound? Take some time to think about it, ok?

I pray one day everyone on earth will turn to God to fill these voids..to complete us.


...btw my dad just came back into my room.. His attitude is totally different from the self-satisfactory smirk earlier on..He asked about my ankle again in totally different tone. What can i say..miracles do happen, but do you recognise these miracles in your life? Regard them as 'coincidents' or 'some sense finally gets into his thick head' or give thanks to God who is always working to make impossible possible??

The brush is on your hands, I leave it to your decision.

6 Jul 08 - I am crying..and sprained my ankle

I cried..really cried my heart out again.. whole heart..painful..so painful.. Even as I'm writing now, i'm weeping...i know only God can heal this pain, He'll bottle all my tears.. God, please help me..

i just watched "10 Promises to My Dog" with my mum, 2 sis and my sis' bf (YX).. I know i'll cry cos it's a animal show and i'm very attached to animals.. I had prepared for it.. but.. i cried.. my heart cried.. not becos of the movie plot, but bcos i miss B.. I really miss B. The last time I watched this type of show, i watched with him n his mum..this 10 promises reminded me of the promises in our relationship- what we discussed, what we committed.. And golden retriever is B's favourite dog..loyal and trust-worthy..

To be fair to the movie, it is really very good - it reflects how we desire for something, so much joy when we have it, how promises are made when it is easy to commit; yet as days go by, we find it as a burden - so suffocating that we just wish we can put it aside and take a breather; only to look back and realise how much we've failed in our promises, and even regret..if only we treasure every moments we had-good times and bad times...

To me,every scene is not so much about Socks and Akari, but about B and me..
I weeped like i've never did..in the darkness of the theater, while we were walking out of the cinema and even when we were out of the complex, i just cannot help crying.. I miss B, I love B.. still do..I learnt last night not to simply tolerate this pain inside and live on, but to lift it up to the Lord..i tried, i did..i prayed in my heart like i've ever known how..the Lord's prayer, Hail Mary, whatever..Everyone tried to comfort me, saying my dog Hugo is still alive - dont be so sad and tried to tease me.. but i don't think they know i'm actually crying for B..

In fact, even Hugo reminds me of B.. cos it was B who brought Hugo to my life..how Hugo suddenly barked at B one night, when he had to ride out to MRT to fetch his mum's bicycle back..I still remember how both of us were puzzled by Hugo's sudden strange reaction, and how i was so worried that B might meet some accident on his ride out, as if Hugo's barking was a 'warning'..how i prayed for his safety while waiting anxiously with Hugo in his house..I really cannot afford him to meet with any mishap..cannot afford anything of any hurt to him at all..

my sis n mum wanted to go for dinner, even though i'm weeping like a baby behind them..it was really embarrassing to walk into the coffee shop, knowing no matter how i tried to look normal, my eyes and nose are really red, obviously red..even though there're not many people in coffeeshop, but everyone turned to my direction..i know it was really embarrassing, yet i cant help it.. i'm really trying so hard not to embarrass myself, stop the tears flowing n look normal..but i guess my face just tell everyone that i'm super super depressed.. as if i've just has a tiff with my bf..even YX teased me that i've won the super emotional title.. i know i really looked like crap..

i didnt eat..simply tried to calm myself down with prayers in my heart..how glad i was when we can finally leave and go home..

then i sprained my ankle. for the first time in my life, i actually sprained my ankle. now i know why people look so painful when they have sprained ankle, cos it's really painful..For a skilled high-heel walker since 16yrs old, i can even run with my 3" heels, how could i sprain my ankle with only 1" shoe? whatever it is, it's really hurtful.. my mum had to support me all the way to take cab, and up my home..even my bathing time is so fast so i cant support myself for long..

i tell u, times like these really make me think of B even more.. not that he'll be able to carry me or support me (he's pretty bad in handling my 'emergencies'/'accidents') but if only i could call to tell him i'm in pain..and to hear his care..

I know i have to let go esp after being prayed n ministered in letting go.. i know letting go is a process..but can anyone really understand the depth of my love for B..if you think it's more or less the same of that for TH, Lawrence, or even GQ, you are very wrong.. if it's more or less the same for B, i wont be in that state.. i really love B..so much that I scare myself(even till now); so much that i was willing to cut off my contact with GQ in order to assure B but only to make use of GQ to spite B during my silent protest (fyi, GQ n I were on very good terms since i'm 16yrs old, so good that we even explored the possibilty of long-distance relationship, but we decided to maintain this friendship..cos i've found someone who really share my faith, filled my heart with complete joy n share my faith in the meaning of love)..that is how much i love B..

Silly? yes - i know..if only you love someone that much, u wont feel silly for doing those silly things..esp so for us girls, we usually are teh ones who will do all we can to secure this love, giving our all and best when we think it's our prayer answered..Nothing is silly in love..

..finally...my tears vault is dried up now..Jesus finally can close his bottle on my tears..my eyes are super swollen as my ankle now..n tmr i have to work..great job,J..leave the room for Jesus now,give Him all access into all the rooms of your life..He knows,He feels n He'll restore..let go and let God.

Please pray for me..thank you

5 Jul 08 - Rev Mike Connell's blessing to my soul

God answers prayers, even when we don't feel (think) he's listening or around us. For past weeks, I was disappointed with myself for allowing myself in this spiritual roller-coaster ride..I know something is holding me back from my breakthrough,and to make thing worse, I actually 'somehow' know what is it that's holding me.. Why didn't I resolve it then? Maybe cos it's my fear of facing it, cos I know it'll cause pain in my heart again..I'd rather adopt the 'bear the current pain and i'll get over it' + 'build a wall to protect myself in future' attitude.

I know I have to let go..but I still love B alot,alot, miss him alot,alot..I even prayed that I'll meet him in my nightly dreams..though I still do not dare to face him in person.. I'll still read his sms (I've saved every of his assuring, loving sms and even 'good morning' greetings from the start of our relationship) and I'll wonder how is he going to account "my word is my bond", "i'll love u with God's love", "i will always love u darling"... It's like I've let go of the 95% yet holding onto the 5%..I'm confused by the discrepancy in the affirmation we had received for this relationship,and what's happening now.

This struggle is even more intense today..I felt the tag so strong in my heart during Novena,during my tuitions..Esp so when i was in my cab towards Rev Mike Connell's service in CHC. (To sidetrack a bit - My ex-cell member asked me if i like Rev Mike's preaching, cos i initiated joining out of a sudden.To be very frank, I don't even remember what's Mike Connnell's ministry is about..faith??healing??Revival??...I just dunno..I just feel like going..Anyway, Pastor Mike is like my spiritual grandfather. He's been mentoring Pastor Kong and the church since 1989)

Anyway..there I was rushing to Expo Hall 8 after my 3-5pm tuition, in a silver cab.. The journey seem so slow - traffic lights and slow-moving cars..I nearly got so frustrated, before I turned to God..(fyi, whenever I attend CHC service,somehow my journey to church will be full of delay factors which will frustrate me..but that's the more I know greater things are in stored for me in service. N I've learnt through years that the best response to traffic frustration is to turn to God) Back in my cab ride towards Expo, I heard His voice again..(why must this kind of experience always happen to me in cab?) I know I have to let go..totally..not with my strength but in His strength...

1st thanksgiving: I was able to reach church on time for 5.30 service, despite the long slow journey for the tight time allowance.
Really felt like back home again.though it's been so long since i attended CHC service,but i 'just know' where my cellgroup will be sitting..(fyi,seats in CHC are very hot and ursher are very firm- no reservation of seats 10mins before service, but if u dun ask ur cell to reserve,u might not have seat at all, esp for guest speaker's preaching). The moment I entered behind the curtains, the presence of God is already so strong..strong praise and worship, strong prayer languages..everyone is simply soaking and preparing themselves for a great time in the Lord. Totally awesome..nowhere I'd rather be than to be in His presence like this.

2nd thanksgiving: unexpected powerful ministering in the Spirit
Like i said, greater things awaits for me in service. Pastor Mike's simple message really speaks affirmation to my heart..The message I heard in my cab was totally affirmed by the preaching. Overcoming Disappointment - my hand was so busy taking down notes, I really want to take as much 'pebbles' as I can..Simply cant afford to miss anything in Spirit. You cannot imagine how blessed I am to receive this biblical teaching! It's just so timely! Too much of an coincident! I really dived in and drink as much as I can..nothing can distract me from drinking His living waters..His Word to my soul.

3rd thanksgiving: very supportive and strong discipleship cell - N277
it's been so long since i spent time with my cell..in fact, I was quite hesitant to share cos some may not understand why I crossed over.. But God is good! in fact, He is GREAT! No one felt any 'gap' at all, it's as if I've always been with them. Talk about quality fellowship - we really share our lives n edify with one another in the Word! I really love this kind of fellowship, Godly fellowship...Food, chatting and catching-up become so minor when we share God's promises and revelation with one another, reminding and encouraging through God's everlasting words.

I thank God for Valerie - she is such a strong leader in Spiritual matters (u cannot believe how i used to have discipleship issues with her when i first joined the cell, she is really that strong! It required God to speak to me so sternly before I could submit myself willingly under her discipleship) Though she is stern, but she is a woman of vision too. She really cares for her sheep (us) so much that sometimes she'll rather incovenient herself and take the burden on her own shoulders (even when she's pregnant). What a spirit of leadership!

I thank God for Delia - my knowledgeable, firm yet ever soft-spoken sister. We didn't really know each other for long, but the connection we share is really.. she is my sister! I really look up to her. I guess, besides my spiritual leader whom I have to give accountability to, Delia is one I'll for sure keep her updated on my life, be it personal or spiritual. She does not have to reply or say much, but you know she is listening with her heart.. And you can always count on her to pray, cos she is so close with the Spirit..

I am just so blessed today!! Totally soaked in Holy Spirit, the joy of worship.. how I wished I've invited Lydia to come with me.. She'll be so blessed and u will really see her jumping with joy in the Lord! :)

4 Jul 08 - If only I had picked more pebbles

on a more serious note, i'd like to open up my inner thoughts and reflections on this space again.. it's been so long since i reflected..so choked up by work and other concerns..

Have u heard of the story of 'picking stones in the dark'? 2 men were travelling through the night when they heard this compelling voice to pick up pebbles from the ground. It was dark and they were tired. In order to obey this voice, they just picked up a pebble each and went on their way. When the day came, they were surprised to see the 'pebbles' they picked were actually precious gems! How they wished they could have picked more then. (I hope u understand this story, i'm just trying to summarize it as much as I remember. This is a story I heard before, but cant remember the exact details now.)

That is the way I'm feeling now.. I thank God for revealing so much of Himself to me in this journey, I thank Him for seeing me through my depression..and I thank God for leading me INTO depression. Because of my depression, I experienced the times when my ears were so sensitive to hear from God directly, I experienced the times when my heart was so sensitive to Holy Spirit..My prayers were so intense with all my mind, heart and soul. 2-way communication with God was so easy, and every word of God cant wait to jump out to feed me... That is what I desire now..If only I could pick more of these pebbles up when I was in depression..

Do people have to be in critical condition in order to experience God? And why those 'supernatural' experiences seems to die off when things are 'back-to-normal'? I'm not saying we should live by sights, but where have all those sensitivity gone to? When we clung onto God as our only Source, only Hope, our prayer life is such an wonderful experience. But when things are 'better' in our own situations, where is this 'hold-on-for-your-life' grip? We know and experience such wonderous joy from such grip, yet why do we loosen it now? Of course, Jesus is always with us, closer than our very breathe, despite our spiritual hypes and downs. But why do I allow my spiritual life to go down? ... I really miss the 'grip' I had onto Jesus..Miss the intimate relationship with the Most High, face to face..the mighty flow of Holy Spirit in my life..

but i don't want to go through another depression..This is NOT the way God has in plan for anyone!! He allows us to experience critical conditions so we will draw closer to Him, but it's NEVER in His plan for us to stay in it 'so we can continue to be in His presence'...Trust me, whoever tells u to stay in such pit in order for God to work in u, is really crapping to u. God led us into the pit to break us, so we can focus on Him. But He'll never want us to stay in this pit to focus on Him. He desires us to be overcomers for His Glory! He will sees us through the pit, but it's up to us again to decide on our focus after our rescue. that's how democratic is our God.. He loves us so much that He let us taste His goodness first-hand, then He let us decide if we want to stay in this goodness..It's like buying sweets from Jesus- He let us taste before we decide to buy or not..


Matt 6:33
"Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you."

4 Jul 08 - Gregory

Are you wondering where J has been these days - she is not logging in her blog..and cant contact her as she seems so busy these days n has stubbornly decided not to be tech-slave (Can u imagine that?! No HP?!)..J's Diary is becoming J's Journal??

Well, people, I'm back.. finally finshed 2 companies migration projects for my company. Past weeks, work had been so intense that our team even had no time to go washroom - once we sat on our seats, the battle started. Can u imagine the tons of emails, org data and process charts to follow-up and complete by 1July? Mind u, we are talking about migrating thousands of international employees from the new acquisition. On top of that we have ever-incoming requests from our existing employees..To the extend that I kinda wish if we could work on only 1 time-zone. Working with so many countries with diff time-zones, you simply cannot see any 'resting gap' in our email inbox. Totally insane.. Thank God, the battle is over now.. May the dust settle down now..

I finally managed to leave on-time today (though i still have to bring work home)..I missed AMP last week and Hospi cell-group meeting due to work, n cant wait to join them today.(Can u imagine I actually dreamt of my Hospi girls just 2 nights ago??..simply miss them) I guess God knows i miss them.. I wanted to take MRT via shuttlebus but I felt this 'tag' to change my direction towards public busstop instead.. the moment I followed this tag, I saw Bus571 (private bus) approaching busstop. Trust me, all my days of working there, I've NEVER seen this bus at all! I don't even know its arriving schedule. But yet the moment i reach busstop, it came n it's going DIRECTLY to Hougang Ave 8!! What can I say? It's just so flow n 'coincidental', right? :)

But do u know what really made my heart shouts with thanks? - Gregory.

Grey was really very reserved n skeptical during YISS (he's in my group). He even told me AMP is not his cup of tea - the lifting of hands, the 'hippy' praise and worship.. etc. That is why I cannot help shouting praises to God when I saw Greg again tonight (He was here for past sessions aft YISS). Can u imagine how happy I am when I saw he's lifting his hands, clapping along during praise and worship? And even taking sermon notes!! It's really amazing how God works.. His ways are indeed higher than our ways. He never fails to amaze me with what He can do :) Totally in awe..