i dunno to feel sad or happy..dunno what to do..
i know i've been thru this before,2 times..for TH n for Lawrence.. i know i can do it,but it still hurts me so much to do this..
i was quite happy from my encounter in adoration room and Mass this morning.."Take heart,it is I;do not be afraid"...but now the joy is covered by this.. i know i have to move on..i tot i was moving on fine.. why do i have to meet him?..
i know the B now is nt worthy of my tears n my hope that he might read this blog one day.. but i did it anyway with the slightest hope.. perhaps perhaps perhaps..too many perhaps with hope.. when my greatest fear realises now,i find myself with this hurt again..but i'm nt crying,i'm nt smiling..just peace..the strangest peace..as if i've always prepared myself for this.. yes i fear,totally afraid this would come..but i've also learnt what u fear most will come true,rather than what u desire. so i guess that's it..
For sake of my family,i'm moving on..i have to.. but i'll always love B..from this distance. I know i wun be seeing him again,unless it's God's Will that we should be together. I wont see him again.. it hurts but i have to trust God in His timing, in His plan. I'll only make things worse for me to bear if i dun trust Him.. J,u r really of little faith..
i've arranged his stuff to be taken away..trust me-it's not easy as for me as u r reading now..but while i'm still sensible now,i might as well act fast.. I might regret tmr,or one day.. but this is what i have to do for now..
.... .... call it spooky - but someone just sent me an email "Waiting on God - This is the lesson for us. We must wait for God's timing and embrace wherever we are in the process. When we find contentment in that place, we begin to experience God in ways we never thought possible." what a timely message for a broken heart..
i will always love you, Bosco. I love you.
Sunday, August 10, 2008
Saturday, August 9, 2008
9 Aug 08 - NDP08, Black Knights n B
before i start this entry,i just want to thank all of u for all ur love n concern(dun care if u've been reading or just happen to read my last entry)..Thank you! Dont worry i'm ok..I'll be still and wait for the Lord(that's what He has told me to do)..He will make a way when it seems to be no way..
*************
just watched BEST part of NDP08 parade - my all-time fav:contingents from army+navy+airforce (men-in-uniforms!!! OK OK, i've this super fetish for men in uniform..) and super awesome airshow performance by Black Knights. in fact, i ONLY watch these 2 items;the rest of it i've no interest..even the songs and fireworks have lost their appeal..i'm very contented to be in my room now,be with my blog..
watching the airshow,i really miss B..B is a fan of aerospace too (in fact he's greater fan) my excitment for such boy-stuff only exist after my involvement in Aerospace event..the feeling of flying in the air..totally amazing n addictive..(dun worry,i wun be a pilot-the air traffic is safe).B flew solo on a plane before.. i cant tell u how proud i am of him, i really am. how many people can have this SOLO experience?
B was with me in NDP before..in padang..we were excited,at least i was.. i'm really proud to be Singaporean. How we cheered and even attempted to join that dance-step.. mind u,B is really good in dance,he picked it up so easily..we had such fun..
but now,i'm alone..patroitic but alone..(OK my whole family organise this great feast to celebrate at home n everyone is here,but i still feel alone..)
B might be in his granny's family now to celebrate this day..but will he be thinking of me?.. will he ever know i still love him? i know it's not for me to decide or expect from him,but i'm still a mere human..i still love n miss this person i love so much, even though it's been so long.. I still love B
*************
just watched BEST part of NDP08 parade - my all-time fav:contingents from army+navy+airforce (men-in-uniforms!!! OK OK, i've this super fetish for men in uniform..) and super awesome airshow performance by Black Knights. in fact, i ONLY watch these 2 items;the rest of it i've no interest..even the songs and fireworks have lost their appeal..i'm very contented to be in my room now,be with my blog..
watching the airshow,i really miss B..B is a fan of aerospace too (in fact he's greater fan) my excitment for such boy-stuff only exist after my involvement in Aerospace event..the feeling of flying in the air..totally amazing n addictive..(dun worry,i wun be a pilot-the air traffic is safe).B flew solo on a plane before.. i cant tell u how proud i am of him, i really am. how many people can have this SOLO experience?
B was with me in NDP before..in padang..we were excited,at least i was.. i'm really proud to be Singaporean. How we cheered and even attempted to join that dance-step.. mind u,B is really good in dance,he picked it up so easily..we had such fun..
but now,i'm alone..patroitic but alone..(OK my whole family organise this great feast to celebrate at home n everyone is here,but i still feel alone..)
B might be in his granny's family now to celebrate this day..but will he be thinking of me?.. will he ever know i still love him? i know it's not for me to decide or expect from him,but i'm still a mere human..i still love n miss this person i love so much, even though it's been so long.. I still love B
Thursday, August 7, 2008
7 Aug 08 - Stop pushing me!
Feeling very upset now..
B finally replied to my hardening sms sent on Monday (the one which i told him i'll arrange his stuff to be couriered over)..he replied "Dun be silly.We're still friends and i can still pay u visits right? tonight u free for me to get the stuff?If not,can we arrange a day next week?Monday or thursday if u can.My stuff have been there long anough,not very nice occupying ur space.haha"
honestly, what is he thinking!? Cant he see i have my reasons for not wanting him to be around my family, my parents? I dun want to upset my parents, though i'd like to see him again. Yes-we might still be 'friends' to his definition; but friends come my house upon invitation! His invitation will come one day, but not now... I requested for his address in order to courier..
The sms continued and he's kinda persistent to get his stuff face-to-face with me (minus my parents). What a good reason - save money.. And he wants to pass me my stuff (my stuff? it's few items, of which only my Jap notebook matters to me).
I really dun like it when he keeps pushing me into this corner. in the end, i decided to tell him off by 'informing' him i'll be away and will contact him when i'm back (esp since he dun bother to follow my blog anyway)..
Then his ULTIMATE sms came - "where r u going n how long?Dun wanna drag this longer leh.Just wanna settle thing thing coz its been on my mind n its tiring to keep dragging" Can u feel the pain in my heart? I know what has to be done have to be done. But I've already proposed a DOMESTIC COURIER, why is he pushing me!?
In my totally upset mind, i shut him up with "U can courier to me since u'r in hurry.Btw,u've not given me ur adress.Thanks." What a political sms! I cant believe i actually sent it. But I am really really very very upset!!
Enough is enough - Stop hurting me when i'm trying to do something about it!
...he din reply..and i still don't know his address to arrange his courier...
B finally replied to my hardening sms sent on Monday (the one which i told him i'll arrange his stuff to be couriered over)..he replied "Dun be silly.We're still friends and i can still pay u visits right? tonight u free for me to get the stuff?If not,can we arrange a day next week?Monday or thursday if u can.My stuff have been there long anough,not very nice occupying ur space.haha"
honestly, what is he thinking!? Cant he see i have my reasons for not wanting him to be around my family, my parents? I dun want to upset my parents, though i'd like to see him again. Yes-we might still be 'friends' to his definition; but friends come my house upon invitation! His invitation will come one day, but not now... I requested for his address in order to courier..
The sms continued and he's kinda persistent to get his stuff face-to-face with me (minus my parents). What a good reason - save money.. And he wants to pass me my stuff (my stuff? it's few items, of which only my Jap notebook matters to me).
I really dun like it when he keeps pushing me into this corner. in the end, i decided to tell him off by 'informing' him i'll be away and will contact him when i'm back (esp since he dun bother to follow my blog anyway)..
Then his ULTIMATE sms came - "where r u going n how long?Dun wanna drag this longer leh.Just wanna settle thing thing coz its been on my mind n its tiring to keep dragging" Can u feel the pain in my heart? I know what has to be done have to be done. But I've already proposed a DOMESTIC COURIER, why is he pushing me!?
In my totally upset mind, i shut him up with "U can courier to me since u'r in hurry.Btw,u've not given me ur adress.Thanks." What a political sms! I cant believe i actually sent it. But I am really really very very upset!!
Enough is enough - Stop hurting me when i'm trying to do something about it!
...he din reply..and i still don't know his address to arrange his courier...
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
SunScreen
I really like this song cos it's the most sensible song i've ever heard..
********
Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of ’97
Wear sunscreen;
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience…I will dispense this advice now.
Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth;
oh nevermind; you will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded. But trust me, in 20 years you’ll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked….You’re not as fat as you imagine.
Don’t worry about the future;
or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.
Do one thing everyday that scares you
Sing
Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts;
don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours.
Floss
Don’t waste your time on jealousy;
sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind…the race is long, and in the end, it’s only with yourself.
Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults;
if you succeed in doing this, tell me how.
Keep your old love letters;
throw away your old bank statements.
Stretch
Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life;
the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don’t.
Get plenty of calcium.
Be kind to your knees;
you’ll miss them when they’re gone.
Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll have children,maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll divorce at 40, maybe you’ll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary…what ever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either – your choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s.
Enjoy your body;
use it every way you can…don’t be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, it’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own..
Dance;
even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.
Read the directions;
even if you don’t follow them.
Do NOT read beauty magazines;
they will only make you feel ugly.
(Brother and sister together we'll make it through Someday your spirit will take you and guide you there I know you've been hurting, and I know I've been waiting to be there for you. And I'll be there, just tell me now, whenever I can.
Everybody's free.)
Get to know your parents;
you never know when they’ll be gone for good.
Be nice to your siblings;
they are the best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.
Understand that friends come and go,but for the precious few you should hold on;
Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.
Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard;
live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.
Travel.
Accept certain inalienable truths;
prices will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old, and when you do you’ll fantasize that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were
noble and children respected their elders.
Respect your elders.
Don’t expect anyone else to support you;
Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one might run out.
Don’t mess too much with your hair;
or by the time you're 40, it will look 85.
Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it;
Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth.
But trust me on the sunscreen…
(Brother and sister together we'll make it through Someday your spirit will take you and guide you there I know you've been hurting, and I know I've been waiting to be there for you. And I'll be there, just tell me now, whenever I can. Everybody's free.)
********
Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of ’97
Wear sunscreen;
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience…I will dispense this advice now.
Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth;
oh nevermind; you will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded. But trust me, in 20 years you’ll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked….You’re not as fat as you imagine.
Don’t worry about the future;
or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.
Do one thing everyday that scares you
Sing
Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts;
don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours.
Floss
Don’t waste your time on jealousy;
sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind…the race is long, and in the end, it’s only with yourself.
Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults;
if you succeed in doing this, tell me how.
Keep your old love letters;
throw away your old bank statements.
Stretch
Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life;
the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don’t.
Get plenty of calcium.
Be kind to your knees;
you’ll miss them when they’re gone.
Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll have children,maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll divorce at 40, maybe you’ll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary…what ever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either – your choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s.
Enjoy your body;
use it every way you can…don’t be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, it’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own..
Dance;
even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.
Read the directions;
even if you don’t follow them.
Do NOT read beauty magazines;
they will only make you feel ugly.
(Brother and sister together we'll make it through Someday your spirit will take you and guide you there I know you've been hurting, and I know I've been waiting to be there for you. And I'll be there, just tell me now, whenever I can.
Everybody's free.)
Get to know your parents;
you never know when they’ll be gone for good.
Be nice to your siblings;
they are the best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.
Understand that friends come and go,but for the precious few you should hold on;
Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.
Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard;
live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.
Travel.
Accept certain inalienable truths;
prices will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old, and when you do you’ll fantasize that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were
noble and children respected their elders.
Respect your elders.
Don’t expect anyone else to support you;
Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one might run out.
Don’t mess too much with your hair;
or by the time you're 40, it will look 85.
Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it;
Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth.
But trust me on the sunscreen…
(Brother and sister together we'll make it through Someday your spirit will take you and guide you there I know you've been hurting, and I know I've been waiting to be there for you. And I'll be there, just tell me now, whenever I can. Everybody's free.)
5 Aug 08 - Want to be alone
i really want to be alone..perhaps it's first sign of depression relapse,perhaps i really need to be alone to discern from God..As usual, i look forward to return to my refuge country - Taiwan. I imagine myself being in the mountains, with all the greens and farm animals alone, all the fresh air,nothing to bother me.. I really want to be alone..
But i know it's not possible..at least not this month.The 'retreat' lodge has just been affected by the Typhoon..it'll take them a while to get back to business again, even though i wish i can fly over this weekend. I know i have to be normal, try to be normal.. maybe the song will fade away,maybe things will get better.. just keep holding on.. regardless how i feel,life still goes on, the race's still on.. i cant win if i give up running, even slow jog now helps..just keep moving..
i know i'll return to Taiwan.. just a matter of time.. hope i can maintain my sanity till then.
darling...darling..my darling..where are u? will i be able to find u before i lose my sanity?
But i know it's not possible..at least not this month.The 'retreat' lodge has just been affected by the Typhoon..it'll take them a while to get back to business again, even though i wish i can fly over this weekend. I know i have to be normal, try to be normal.. maybe the song will fade away,maybe things will get better.. just keep holding on.. regardless how i feel,life still goes on, the race's still on.. i cant win if i give up running, even slow jog now helps..just keep moving..
i know i'll return to Taiwan.. just a matter of time.. hope i can maintain my sanity till then.
darling...darling..my darling..where are u? will i be able to find u before i lose my sanity?
4 Aug 08 - Miracle of Time 歲月的奇蹟
this morning i read B's sms which i received last night(it came to my phone while i was writing my diary my notebook last night,i didnt want to let go of my diary)..the sms says he's surprised to see me too,didn't know what to say,n hope to catch up again..what a politically correct n polite message to a friend u bump into.. it hurts.. a person who know u so intimately yet has to use such formal social greetings? what is he thinking? does he not know that such formal greetings hurt the one who love him so dearly? i harden my heart n sent a political polite response..and inform him i'll find a way to return his stuff to him without having him to come over..
i remember how he came up to me when i returned from shanghai,how he said he had prayed about us,how he said 'this is the last time i'll take this path to come you house' and how he promised that he'll take care of me forever..i dun wan him to discredit his words..a man's words is his bond. Be it casually or seriously,the tongue hold the power of life n death. if one day,he'd to return..i pray God will make another way for him, for us..cos he had taken this path to return before,and his words had closed that door..May God open another path for us..
the return journey back to singapore was a challenge again..i dun even dare to look out of the windows,at the green fields cos it reminds me of my Tioman trip w B..we had a great time though it was a short trip..i really miss my darling..where is he? i cried on the bus again..i tried to fight my tears with God's Promises mp3,sleep and even tried to make myself focus on the cartoons channel in the coach. Anything that can keep me away from breaking down, from missing B..
i know i need to be back with my family asap,so i called my dad to pick me up from the coach drop-off point. when the reunion settled down at home,i keep hearing this song..Miracle of Time..a song which B n I inspired to pen it down during our dating period, in a music cafe,..and he composed into this really beautiful song..he sang to me on my birthday n i recorded it in my handphone.. this is OUR song..
i cant shake it off..the lyrics,the rhythym keeps singing itself in my heart...i miss B..i really do.. but i know i'll make a fool of myself again if i see him face-to-face.. God, i know it's a nice song but please make it stop before i slip into depression again..
i remember how he came up to me when i returned from shanghai,how he said he had prayed about us,how he said 'this is the last time i'll take this path to come you house' and how he promised that he'll take care of me forever..i dun wan him to discredit his words..a man's words is his bond. Be it casually or seriously,the tongue hold the power of life n death. if one day,he'd to return..i pray God will make another way for him, for us..cos he had taken this path to return before,and his words had closed that door..May God open another path for us..
the return journey back to singapore was a challenge again..i dun even dare to look out of the windows,at the green fields cos it reminds me of my Tioman trip w B..we had a great time though it was a short trip..i really miss my darling..where is he? i cried on the bus again..i tried to fight my tears with God's Promises mp3,sleep and even tried to make myself focus on the cartoons channel in the coach. Anything that can keep me away from breaking down, from missing B..
i know i need to be back with my family asap,so i called my dad to pick me up from the coach drop-off point. when the reunion settled down at home,i keep hearing this song..Miracle of Time..a song which B n I inspired to pen it down during our dating period, in a music cafe,..and he composed into this really beautiful song..he sang to me on my birthday n i recorded it in my handphone.. this is OUR song..
i cant shake it off..the lyrics,the rhythym keeps singing itself in my heart...i miss B..i really do.. but i know i'll make a fool of myself again if i see him face-to-face.. God, i know it's a nice song but please make it stop before i slip into depression again..
Monday, August 4, 2008
3 Aug 08 - Prayer answered: I met B
i was quite disturbed when my group started the whole hype about meeting the worship band..they really idolise them! the whole purpose of coming here seems to be meet these people - how cute they look, how well they play.. i mean,it's ok to appreciate their talents, to give credits for their hard work to evangelise to the youths, but it's more of idolising to me now.. esp when they got so excited when the drummer went by. It's like fan-club gathering..
But i told myself - they're still young.And that's how FIR and the Taiwanese bands' concerts are like, even for Sun..Just another God's way to reach out to the youths..The rest of it,let God do the balance..
I miss FOP..why am i here when i can attend FOP, listening to God's Word in Singapore? The focus here seems to be the worship band, rather than desiring God's Word..i know music urshers in the Presence of God,but i dont want to be in a performance concert, i want the Presence of God, His annointing to come..I want to know God more,His Word, His plan and everything He has to say to His people..Totally clueless why am i here,yet i'm here..
When the door opened,Leonard n I dashed in to book seats for 24 of us(fyi-we're the first 3 persons who had been sitting in front of the entrance for 2hrs). Typical CHC,u might say.It's ok-i'm proud to have CHC seat-booking spirit! What a 'team-spirit' to book seats for whole cell-group!
**********
When I settled down in my centre seat besides the 2 young ones i'm taking care on this trip,i glanced ard n saw B's friend.Started to have small talk with her,when B came up behind me. I mean,B CAME UP BEHIND ME! i was in TOTAL shock!! 101% speechless yet I hear myself talking..(remind me of the last night when he came to my house)..I know i miss him,i love him,prayed that i'll see him,but God!I'm so not ready for this! talk abt acting normal,i was so shaken inside!!! we had quick chat,i remembered asking him 'how's Mikii'..and that's all i remember now..And yes-apparently he has not been reading my blog.. I was shaking!i felt my hands shaking, shaking badly..real badly..i dunno how it ended,but i'm glad it ended..
immediately after he left,i left my seat n cried out for support..before anything happens to me.Joel n Lydia-the only 2 who knows abt B. I really cried for their hug..i need that hug. i'm TOTALLY disturbed in my emotions and focus..what a good prayer to make,J,wanting to see B and it's now answered n u get urself so messed up...excellent
i really struggled to focus on God back on my seat..i know B is sitting on the right of me,i'm so so so distracted..i prayed n prayed,kept pressing n pressing on..If God is not my Lord of All, He is not my Lord at all..If God is not my Lord of All, He is not my Lord at all..This is a time of testing when i have to choose between God n myself; to prove God is indeed my Lord..I prayed so hard to stay still in Lord..
By the 4th song,i know my focus is right-it's not abt the loud music..i sense the Presence of God coming down from above..like a cloud dwelling in our midst.I know He is in control,He is holding my hands in this race.Memories start to flood in.. saw myself saying the Lord's prayer in old CHC church building(my conversion moment)..the times with TH,the sins i've made..how rebellious i was..my near-death experience on the ops table..and my depression..all these i could never have survived without Him..He has been holding me ever since He called me to church..His grace is more than enough for me. I wont go thru all these in vain,He has a purpose for me..though i do not know and cannot understand..He is just too great to fathom, too great..
i heard the preaching years ago when CHC started to step out to be church without walls..greater things are yet to come,if we are willing to offer our lives to God..i was really expecting more than that..afterall i came all the way to KL for His Word! there has to be more than that..Then the preacher started to share a young girl's journal..i know and i know this is affirmation of what i received earlier.. my life experiences will not be in vain,God has His reasons for putting me thru all these..He has His reasons. And i just broke down and cried.. "God,i offer my life to you" a prayer i said when i was a young Christian.And He actually took my word seriously and has been using my life ever since...I really thank God for putting me in CHC to build my foundation with Him..As i cried,my directions become clearer..even clearer..
**********
I was on radar for B after the meeting..i tried to conc on taking care of my 2 young girls in the crowd,esp both of them r tired, but i still caught sight of him in a corner with his friends..i was disturbed..
After struggling inside for 1hr,i decided to sms my godfather and a good friend..(fyi i dun contact any one at home when i'm overseas..it's just not my style..but i am desperate now, THAT desperate) i know i can always count on my goddad,who always understands how i feel towards B..And i believe in accountability-God has appointed him to have authority over me so i am to be accountable to him, just as he is accountable to God for my journey..And i thank God for him cos no matter how late,i know he is always there for me..
True enough,his 2 sms reply calmed me down..ALOT. I know he's standing the gap for me..then my friend replied in sms that B has changed. fyi both of us saw B's love n potential inside him,the aura which we are attracted to..but now I cant sense this loving aura.. or is it me who was so nervous that i cant sense this aura? has he changed? what happened to this aura,this atar which i am so drawn to? where is my darling,B?
But i told myself - they're still young.And that's how FIR and the Taiwanese bands' concerts are like, even for Sun..Just another God's way to reach out to the youths..The rest of it,let God do the balance..
I miss FOP..why am i here when i can attend FOP, listening to God's Word in Singapore? The focus here seems to be the worship band, rather than desiring God's Word..i know music urshers in the Presence of God,but i dont want to be in a performance concert, i want the Presence of God, His annointing to come..I want to know God more,His Word, His plan and everything He has to say to His people..Totally clueless why am i here,yet i'm here..
When the door opened,Leonard n I dashed in to book seats for 24 of us(fyi-we're the first 3 persons who had been sitting in front of the entrance for 2hrs). Typical CHC,u might say.It's ok-i'm proud to have CHC seat-booking spirit! What a 'team-spirit' to book seats for whole cell-group!
**********
When I settled down in my centre seat besides the 2 young ones i'm taking care on this trip,i glanced ard n saw B's friend.Started to have small talk with her,when B came up behind me. I mean,B CAME UP BEHIND ME! i was in TOTAL shock!! 101% speechless yet I hear myself talking..(remind me of the last night when he came to my house)..I know i miss him,i love him,prayed that i'll see him,but God!I'm so not ready for this! talk abt acting normal,i was so shaken inside!!! we had quick chat,i remembered asking him 'how's Mikii'..and that's all i remember now..And yes-apparently he has not been reading my blog.. I was shaking!i felt my hands shaking, shaking badly..real badly..i dunno how it ended,but i'm glad it ended..
immediately after he left,i left my seat n cried out for support..before anything happens to me.Joel n Lydia-the only 2 who knows abt B. I really cried for their hug..i need that hug. i'm TOTALLY disturbed in my emotions and focus..what a good prayer to make,J,wanting to see B and it's now answered n u get urself so messed up...excellent
i really struggled to focus on God back on my seat..i know B is sitting on the right of me,i'm so so so distracted..i prayed n prayed,kept pressing n pressing on..If God is not my Lord of All, He is not my Lord at all..If God is not my Lord of All, He is not my Lord at all..This is a time of testing when i have to choose between God n myself; to prove God is indeed my Lord..I prayed so hard to stay still in Lord..
By the 4th song,i know my focus is right-it's not abt the loud music..i sense the Presence of God coming down from above..like a cloud dwelling in our midst.I know He is in control,He is holding my hands in this race.Memories start to flood in.. saw myself saying the Lord's prayer in old CHC church building(my conversion moment)..the times with TH,the sins i've made..how rebellious i was..my near-death experience on the ops table..and my depression..all these i could never have survived without Him..He has been holding me ever since He called me to church..His grace is more than enough for me. I wont go thru all these in vain,He has a purpose for me..though i do not know and cannot understand..He is just too great to fathom, too great..
i heard the preaching years ago when CHC started to step out to be church without walls..greater things are yet to come,if we are willing to offer our lives to God..i was really expecting more than that..afterall i came all the way to KL for His Word! there has to be more than that..Then the preacher started to share a young girl's journal..i know and i know this is affirmation of what i received earlier.. my life experiences will not be in vain,God has His reasons for putting me thru all these..He has His reasons. And i just broke down and cried.. "God,i offer my life to you" a prayer i said when i was a young Christian.And He actually took my word seriously and has been using my life ever since...I really thank God for putting me in CHC to build my foundation with Him..As i cried,my directions become clearer..even clearer..
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I was on radar for B after the meeting..i tried to conc on taking care of my 2 young girls in the crowd,esp both of them r tired, but i still caught sight of him in a corner with his friends..i was disturbed..
After struggling inside for 1hr,i decided to sms my godfather and a good friend..(fyi i dun contact any one at home when i'm overseas..it's just not my style..but i am desperate now, THAT desperate) i know i can always count on my goddad,who always understands how i feel towards B..And i believe in accountability-God has appointed him to have authority over me so i am to be accountable to him, just as he is accountable to God for my journey..And i thank God for him cos no matter how late,i know he is always there for me..
True enough,his 2 sms reply calmed me down..ALOT. I know he's standing the gap for me..then my friend replied in sms that B has changed. fyi both of us saw B's love n potential inside him,the aura which we are attracted to..but now I cant sense this loving aura.. or is it me who was so nervous that i cant sense this aura? has he changed? what happened to this aura,this atar which i am so drawn to? where is my darling,B?
3 Aug 08 - Mass in KL
I wet my pillow last night.. totally wet with my tears.. I know today is a new day from God.. but i really need to hear from Him.. I need His hug to tell me everything is alright..
Went to St John @ Jln Nanas for Mass. Same settings w same attitudes..people minding their own business in the House of God...i really cant care less about anyone anymore,not even my group mates (after knowing they've settled themselves)..I just want to come to Father..no one knows this pain, this burden i have.. only Him..
5 loaves 2 fishes.. what a common story to inspire God's people to offer what they have to God..But i desire something more.. something my eyes have yet opened to.. What is Jesus doing, how did he feel when he decided to do this miracle? Compassion? As i kept asking these qns during the Mass, i realised that's more to compassion..so much more..if only He could find someone who desires for Him,He is willing to do any miracle to feed them.. more than just 5 loaves 2 fishes..
tagged in my heart to open my Bible ..and found this verse jumping at me..
Psa 20:4
"May He grant you according to your heart’s desire,and fulfill all your purpose."
tears rolled down again..on foreign land again..
Went to St John @ Jln Nanas for Mass. Same settings w same attitudes..people minding their own business in the House of God...i really cant care less about anyone anymore,not even my group mates (after knowing they've settled themselves)..I just want to come to Father..no one knows this pain, this burden i have.. only Him..
5 loaves 2 fishes.. what a common story to inspire God's people to offer what they have to God..But i desire something more.. something my eyes have yet opened to.. What is Jesus doing, how did he feel when he decided to do this miracle? Compassion? As i kept asking these qns during the Mass, i realised that's more to compassion..so much more..if only He could find someone who desires for Him,He is willing to do any miracle to feed them.. more than just 5 loaves 2 fishes..
tagged in my heart to open my Bible ..and found this verse jumping at me..
Psa 20:4
"May He grant you according to your heart’s desire,and fulfill all your purpose."
tears rolled down again..on foreign land again..
2 Aug 08 - How long do You want to bottle my tears?
If u ask me how was my 1st day in KL, only 1 word - STRUGGLE.
I've been struggling with missing B in the coach,when i see couples on this trip,when the guys tried to lead the way for the girls,when we had to split into small groups to shop,when i was shopping,when i wanted someone to share my opinions n views on purchase.. i really miss B..
to make things worse,the shop right in front of my upgoing escalator is a Magic store. I ALMOST burst into tears on the spot! cos B is a fan of magic stuff. He's very interested in those stuff and always ended up getting those nagging from me on those con stuff. it's really like piercing a needle into my heart - so precise n painful.
where is B? was he like this when he was in Korea? will he think of me when he's shopping? does he remember there is someone who share so much of his taste and views, that she knows what's he's thinking before he could says? where is B? i really miss my darling.. darling, where are you?
Oh God, if You are hearing my cry in this night please have mercy on me, on our love. I really don't know if You're returning B to me, but i pray and i know You've Your plan and You're in control. Teach me Your will, show me Your plan, O Lord. Have mercy on me and turn to my prayers, to the cry of my heart. You alone know how is i long for my joy to be whole. Lord,please return my physical support to me. i cant walk this journey, do this ministry alone..where is my Adam when his rib bone is crying out for him? Lord, please return B to me..I really love love, no matter what he had done. I cant love him less..how long do You want to bottle my tears? How long, O Lord..
I've been struggling with missing B in the coach,when i see couples on this trip,when the guys tried to lead the way for the girls,when we had to split into small groups to shop,when i was shopping,when i wanted someone to share my opinions n views on purchase.. i really miss B..
to make things worse,the shop right in front of my upgoing escalator is a Magic store. I ALMOST burst into tears on the spot! cos B is a fan of magic stuff. He's very interested in those stuff and always ended up getting those nagging from me on those con stuff. it's really like piercing a needle into my heart - so precise n painful.
where is B? was he like this when he was in Korea? will he think of me when he's shopping? does he remember there is someone who share so much of his taste and views, that she knows what's he's thinking before he could says? where is B? i really miss my darling.. darling, where are you?
Oh God, if You are hearing my cry in this night please have mercy on me, on our love. I really don't know if You're returning B to me, but i pray and i know You've Your plan and You're in control. Teach me Your will, show me Your plan, O Lord. Have mercy on me and turn to my prayers, to the cry of my heart. You alone know how is i long for my joy to be whole. Lord,please return my physical support to me. i cant walk this journey, do this ministry alone..where is my Adam when his rib bone is crying out for him? Lord, please return B to me..I really love love, no matter what he had done. I cant love him less..how long do You want to bottle my tears? How long, O Lord..
Saturday, August 2, 2008
1 Aug 08 - Festival of Praise 2008 n Passion@KL
this is the first yr i'm absence from Festival of Praise. i wanted to attend,but cos i din serve in AMP last wk, i think i'd serve today.. when my mind was in indoor stadium,making me hard to focus,that song came again - Be Still. (i dun usually hear that song around,but whenever i'm troubled,it'll appear n keep me still)..
Perhaps cos i know if i go FOP,i might cry again..i miss B. I still do, whether u like it or not. I miss worshipping God together with B..And last yr was his 1st time to FOP...Delia n i was greatly blessed by Don Moen, while Ben n B enjoyed Delirious? ministering. And Pst Phil was good :)
The whole Christian community of Singapore will be in FOP..except Cath..(i dunno why but they're not in the loop of this annual Christian gathering. FOP is always a BIG event cos Christians from all over Singapore will come together to pray, praise and worship God, despite their denominations..Some of my friends in Malaysia will even take the effort to come FOP in Singapore)..Pst Mark Conner will be preaching about Christian lifestyle which i'm been very interested..(i'm so going to borrow sermon CDs again)
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i'll be leaving for KL to PASSION youth conference in few hrs' time, taking morning coach. i wonder will B be going? what wld i respond if i 'bump' into him? i miss B so much..even though it's nearly a yr soon. but my love and missing has not been any lesser.. he's always the first person in my prayers,the first person i'd bless when i see couples on the street..when i'm having fun,i want to share with him; when i've some good snacks, i'm still keeping some for him though i dun know if he'd ever get to eat them.
what is he like now? how is his life now? does he ever think of me now? what is his heart now? ... i guess this yr will be a full journey of memories with B..esp Nov12...
Perhaps cos i know if i go FOP,i might cry again..i miss B. I still do, whether u like it or not. I miss worshipping God together with B..And last yr was his 1st time to FOP...Delia n i was greatly blessed by Don Moen, while Ben n B enjoyed Delirious? ministering. And Pst Phil was good :)
The whole Christian community of Singapore will be in FOP..except Cath..(i dunno why but they're not in the loop of this annual Christian gathering. FOP is always a BIG event cos Christians from all over Singapore will come together to pray, praise and worship God, despite their denominations..Some of my friends in Malaysia will even take the effort to come FOP in Singapore)..Pst Mark Conner will be preaching about Christian lifestyle which i'm been very interested..(i'm so going to borrow sermon CDs again)
***************
i'll be leaving for KL to PASSION youth conference in few hrs' time, taking morning coach. i wonder will B be going? what wld i respond if i 'bump' into him? i miss B so much..even though it's nearly a yr soon. but my love and missing has not been any lesser.. he's always the first person in my prayers,the first person i'd bless when i see couples on the street..when i'm having fun,i want to share with him; when i've some good snacks, i'm still keeping some for him though i dun know if he'd ever get to eat them.
what is he like now? how is his life now? does he ever think of me now? what is his heart now? ... i guess this yr will be a full journey of memories with B..esp Nov12...
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