3 Aug 08 - Prayer answered: I met B

i was quite disturbed when my group started the whole hype about meeting the worship band..they really idolise them! the whole purpose of coming here seems to be meet these people - how cute they look, how well they play.. i mean,it's ok to appreciate their talents, to give credits for their hard work to evangelise to the youths, but it's more of idolising to me now.. esp when they got so excited when the drummer went by. It's like fan-club gathering..

But i told myself - they're still young.And that's how FIR and the Taiwanese bands' concerts are like, even for Sun..Just another God's way to reach out to the youths..The rest of it,let God do the balance..

I miss FOP..why am i here when i can attend FOP, listening to God's Word in Singapore? The focus here seems to be the worship band, rather than desiring God's Word..i know music urshers in the Presence of God,but i dont want to be in a performance concert, i want the Presence of God, His annointing to come..I want to know God more,His Word, His plan and everything He has to say to His people..Totally clueless why am i here,yet i'm here..

When the door opened,Leonard n I dashed in to book seats for 24 of us(fyi-we're the first 3 persons who had been sitting in front of the entrance for 2hrs). Typical CHC,u might say.It's ok-i'm proud to have CHC seat-booking spirit! What a 'team-spirit' to book seats for whole cell-group!

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When I settled down in my centre seat besides the 2 young ones i'm taking care on this trip,i glanced ard n saw B's friend.Started to have small talk with her,when B came up behind me. I mean,B CAME UP BEHIND ME! i was in TOTAL shock!! 101% speechless yet I hear myself talking..(remind me of the last night when he came to my house)..I know i miss him,i love him,prayed that i'll see him,but God!I'm so not ready for this! talk abt acting normal,i was so shaken inside!!! we had quick chat,i remembered asking him 'how's Mikii'..and that's all i remember now..And yes-apparently he has not been reading my blog.. I was shaking!i felt my hands shaking, shaking badly..real badly..i dunno how it ended,but i'm glad it ended..

immediately after he left,i left my seat n cried out for support..before anything happens to me.Joel n Lydia-the only 2 who knows abt B. I really cried for their hug..i need that hug. i'm TOTALLY disturbed in my emotions and focus..what a good prayer to make,J,wanting to see B and it's now answered n u get urself so messed up...excellent

i really struggled to focus on God back on my seat..i know B is sitting on the right of me,i'm so so so distracted..i prayed n prayed,kept pressing n pressing on..If God is not my Lord of All, He is not my Lord at all..If God is not my Lord of All, He is not my Lord at all..This is a time of testing when i have to choose between God n myself; to prove God is indeed my Lord..I prayed so hard to stay still in Lord..

By the 4th song,i know my focus is right-it's not abt the loud music..i sense the Presence of God coming down from above..like a cloud dwelling in our midst.I know He is in control,He is holding my hands in this race.Memories start to flood in.. saw myself saying the Lord's prayer in old CHC church building(my conversion moment)..the times with TH,the sins i've made..how rebellious i was..my near-death experience on the ops table..and my depression..all these i could never have survived without Him..He has been holding me ever since He called me to church..His grace is more than enough for me. I wont go thru all these in vain,He has a purpose for me..though i do not know and cannot understand..He is just too great to fathom, too great..

i heard the preaching years ago when CHC started to step out to be church without walls..greater things are yet to come,if we are willing to offer our lives to God..i was really expecting more than that..afterall i came all the way to KL for His Word! there has to be more than that..Then the preacher started to share a young girl's journal..i know and i know this is affirmation of what i received earlier.. my life experiences will not be in vain,God has His reasons for putting me thru all these..He has His reasons. And i just broke down and cried.. "God,i offer my life to you" a prayer i said when i was a young Christian.And He actually took my word seriously and has been using my life ever since...I really thank God for putting me in CHC to build my foundation with Him..As i cried,my directions become clearer..even clearer..

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I was on radar for B after the meeting..i tried to conc on taking care of my 2 young girls in the crowd,esp both of them r tired, but i still caught sight of him in a corner with his friends..i was disturbed..

After struggling inside for 1hr,i decided to sms my godfather and a good friend..(fyi i dun contact any one at home when i'm overseas..it's just not my style..but i am desperate now, THAT desperate) i know i can always count on my goddad,who always understands how i feel towards B..And i believe in accountability-God has appointed him to have authority over me so i am to be accountable to him, just as he is accountable to God for my journey..And i thank God for him cos no matter how late,i know he is always there for me..

True enough,his 2 sms reply calmed me down..ALOT. I know he's standing the gap for me..then my friend replied in sms that B has changed. fyi both of us saw B's love n potential inside him,the aura which we are attracted to..but now I cant sense this loving aura.. or is it me who was so nervous that i cant sense this aura? has he changed? what happened to this aura,this atar which i am so drawn to? where is my darling,B?