i dunno to feel sad or happy..dunno what to do..
i know i've been thru this before,2 times..for TH n for Lawrence.. i know i can do it,but it still hurts me so much to do this..
i was quite happy from my encounter in adoration room and Mass this morning.."Take heart,it is I;do not be afraid"...but now the joy is covered by this.. i know i have to move on..i tot i was moving on fine.. why do i have to meet him?..
i know the B now is nt worthy of my tears n my hope that he might read this blog one day.. but i did it anyway with the slightest hope.. perhaps perhaps perhaps..too many perhaps with hope.. when my greatest fear realises now,i find myself with this hurt again..but i'm nt crying,i'm nt smiling..just peace..the strangest peace..as if i've always prepared myself for this.. yes i fear,totally afraid this would come..but i've also learnt what u fear most will come true,rather than what u desire. so i guess that's it..
For sake of my family,i'm moving on..i have to.. but i'll always love B..from this distance. I know i wun be seeing him again,unless it's God's Will that we should be together. I wont see him again.. it hurts but i have to trust God in His timing, in His plan. I'll only make things worse for me to bear if i dun trust Him.. J,u r really of little faith..
i've arranged his stuff to be taken away..trust me-it's not easy as for me as u r reading now..but while i'm still sensible now,i might as well act fast.. I might regret tmr,or one day.. but this is what i have to do for now..
.... .... call it spooky - but someone just sent me an email "Waiting on God - This is the lesson for us. We must wait for God's timing and embrace wherever we are in the process. When we find contentment in that place, we begin to experience God in ways we never thought possible." what a timely message for a broken heart..
i will always love you, Bosco. I love you.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
5 comments:
hi.
我來看你了
雖然要看很久
但我會練習...
要好好的ㄛ
Hi J,
I am not too sure whether the following will be an inspiration for you as it does for me when things are not going well:
Darkness
by Kirsti A. Dyer
My light and my life
provided me hope for a future,
a reason to live
and the strength to exist.
Suddenly extinguished,
taken away without warning.
I was abandoned,
left in the darkness
trying to survive
searching for any glimmer
on the distant horizon.
I stand precariously
on a piece of solid ground
barely large enough for my feet.
Around me, a vast expanse
of desolation and emptiness
for as far as I can tell.
It waits
with extending arms
to engulf and surround me
in a permanent shadow.
I remain tenuously balanced
on this small bit of solid footing
Providing me the last vestiges of hope,
Unsure where to turn
or how to find an escape.
No path in sight,
it has decayed into the abyss.
No light to guide my footsteps,
it has been withdrawn.
In complete blackness
I close my eyes
waiting to fall.
A light appears before me
no,
from within me.
I discover
a brilliance inside
An internal source of strength, power
and illumination.
This force surges through my body
filling me with courage.
I open my eyes once more in the darkness
finally lose my balance,
and descend
into the eternal night.
But in falling, I discover
that I possess wings.
With new courage, my own light,
and wings to save me
from the everlasting darkness
I take flight
high above the waiting chasm
towards a faint glimmer
far on the horizon
and hope.
Looking forward to see that you find your light and wings to guide you in every step you take.
Take good care of urself.
Hi J,
This is B, and this is my first and perhaps last entry here on this blog. There are some things that I wanna say to you, perhaps I too lack the courage to do it face to face, and perhaps it will be a long time before we see each other face to face...
I know that now it does not matter what I say anymore, because things have changed, far beyond what you thought it would have been. I know you've approached my friend to collect my things from your place and I know that this friend told you that I have moved on. I'm still disturbed and resentful for him doing that because if there is anything I want, it is to take that responsibility to break the news to you myself. But perhaps it happened so that I'd become that jerk and it'd be easier for you to move on. I do not want, and perhaps there is no need, to justify why I did not tell you earlier myself, but to that, I am sorry that you had to hear it from someone else.
Though I said that I wasn't reading the blog, in actual fact I do, once in a while when I just want to see how J is doing. Though we no longer are together, but I still cherish you as a person, as a friend whom have gone through so much with me together. I may not show it, I may not always say it. But I want to thank you for the time we've had together. I know there are many views on the outcome of what had happened between us, but to those who already hate me for doing this to J, I do not ask for your understanding nor forgiveness, but I just want to say I have tried, for 3 years I have, every bit of it, to try to make the best of things and see where we can move on to, from where ever we were. But not every relationship will have a fairy tale ending, and I would suggest you to think twice if it is always a bad thing. Some relationships make us discover more of ourselves, some make us discover more of others, and some discovers a lifetime together. Relationships of the two genders, relationships between friends, relationships between family, it all has that similar essence in it.
I want to tell you J, and perhaps tell the world that I thank you for I have learnt many things from you and from this relationship, and I am thankful for those things. Though we did not end on the red carpet with church bells like that of which we did once think and dreamt of, I am grateful that I have met you and have never once regretted spending three years of my life with you by my side. I apologize for in many ways and many times, I am indeed a jerk, but I too have my flaws and my shortcomings, I too have my past and my expectations. To say Love has no expectations and that it should ask nothing in return, to be truly unconditional, and see beyond all flaws... It is indeed beautiful. But so far, I've only known of one person who is able to do that, and it is Jesus. I might be 80% of the time a jerk, but I thank you for the times you love me still for the 20% of a Gentlemen I am.
I learnt that Love does not attempt to change another person, for Love is about accepting the person for who and what they are, even if it is the 80% bad, and the 20% good. If we cannot do that, then we either do not Love the person, or it is perhaps not the right person for us. Coz though Love can change a person, do not expect Love to do that. Learn to accept the person, and if you can't, let someone else who can take your place. I am sorry for trying to change you, and not being able to accept you as who you are.
I learnt that physical affection is a beautiful thing, but when not guided and is compromised, leads to the blurring of the line between true love and the physical 'love'. The need for one another becomes confused, between the love that slowly nurtures and the physical attraction that can degrade a human being to a mere object of lust. I am deeply remorseful for the times that I have blurred the lines and have compromised our dignity as children of God.
I learnt that we've got to be truly open and honest with each other in all things that happen from the time we are together, but anything that belongs to the past and does not add to the value of the current relationship has no meaning of reminiscent. I used to have to know every bit of the past about you, for I believe that if I truly loved you, it does not matter what past there is, and we will not judge each other, but I thought too highly of myself, and to know your past was only to satisfy my insecurities and in the end, I did judge, and I was affected, and I came to realize, that there were a lot of things that were not necessary for me to know, because what matters didn't lie in the past, what matters lies in the now and lies in the future. I am sorry for any judgment passed, but I now know that any judgment I pass onto others, it would be passed onto me too.
I learnt that I had an expectation of a model wife I would like to have, and I imposed that model on you, one to be a Catholic, homely, loving, kind, caring.... etc... I am sorry for imposing that expectation on you and so many times forcing you to conform to that model that I myself lived in. I wasn't that perfect husband in any way either. The seculiar world has twisted and gave us ideas of a perfect husband, a perfect wife and a perfect marriage life which do not exist. The only thing perfect in a marriage, is when two people continually strife towards completing each other, and strife towards loving each other. For Love is not a feeling but a constant commitment that we make, a perpetual rededication that we wake up every morning and we say in our hearts "I Do".
I learnt that for 2 people to live and grow in Love with each other, they have to be aligned in their Vision. The vision that drives them in their daily lives, the vision that brings them through the toughest of times, the vision that spells the very fundamentals of their existence on this planet Earth. I'm sorry I lacked a vision that we could move towards, a rock in my life that never waivers.
I learnt that with Love, comes with a whole package of other emotions and challenges. And if one is not able and ready to take up the other emotions and challenges that come along with it, then one is not prepared to be in Love. It takes time to prepare yourself for Love... Love does not always comes and heal all the emotions and baggages we have, but sometimes it triggers and unlocks emotions we so detest to face. If only we have made a conscious choice to be prepared to take up the whole package of Love, it may be better to just stay out of Love altogether.
I learnt that Words are cheap, and they still are today. My words are cheap too, by anyone's standards, I have failed terribly to keep up to my words. Though I really do try to mean everything I say, but there are times when people's thoughts change, and situations change, and the words no longer apply, and that is still true in our everyday lives. That is why I have learnt to only trust words that much... Trust the actions that may or may not come with it. There is good reason why they say actions speak louder than words. I am sorry for the words and promises that I have failed to keep and that made you cling on to, causing you so much hurt. I too, am but only human, as much as I try to mean what I say.
I learnt that Trust is of great importance in a relationship, for with trust brings peace, assurance and security. Trusting each other to know their limits in what they do, trusting each other in things we entrust them, trusting each other also to fail our trust, but still deciding to trust them after that. I'm sorry for my waivering standards and inability to make you trust me.
I learnt that selfishness is the number one killer of relationships, and selflessness is the number one healer of relationships. Think about what Jesus did to heal the world of their sins and their relationship with God. Many divorces are caused by selfishness, by considering their individual interests beyond others, not wanting to be selfless or give in to a situation or a person whom they have vowed to spend their life through times of Good and Bad, Sick and Health, talking about words being cheap... I have realised many of my own selfishness, and I am sorry for the hurt I have caused in doing that.
Again I say, I am truly sorry for the hurt that I have caused you, J, but the decision and the journey wasn't easy for me either. I just wish to show you my gratitude for showing and teaching me these things about life, about love, about me...
I am very happy for you that you now are journeying on RCIA and with Amplify doing God's work. I truly wish that you would dare to live your dream that u've always wanted to, to heed God's calling and to seek your heart's deepest desires that God has placed in you, to reach out to people, to share the good news.
I do pray for your wellbeing and your family too. May your dream of evangelising at home one day also come true with God's assistance and blessing. I also do pray for God's will to be continually revealed to you, your vocation, your calling, your life....
My only wish for the both of us, is that one day, we will see each other face to face... and still be able to laugh over corney lame jokes, enjoying the sea breeze and the wonderful live music, as good friends, sharing our lives, our dreams, our problems, our joys, for you have seen a large part of my life, and i do cherish you. I'll add that to my prayer list, and await the time when God answers it...
Most Sincerely,
B
Dear Mr B,
well done. You have said you're sorry and called yourself a jerk. How much lower can you go right? (well much lower from what I see)
It's wonderful to see that you've "MOVED ON" Wow! God sure works his miracles in many ways yah? Are you going to pray for confirmation before you say you wanna marry her? I suggest you get someone else to help you to "listen for God's confirmation too" cause you might have some bit of a hearing problem. It's not so nice playing the role of a Runaway Groom so many times right? Afterall, you're not Julia Roberts.
Anyway, what kind of God do you pray to? I'm amazed that your religion allows you to make promises and then break them. It must be nice having such a religion, cause at the end of the day, you just have to call yourself a jerk and then all's forgiven.
By the way Mr B, have you ever heard of the word "hypocrite"? I believe it's a word that best describe you as a person. Now that you've come here and become a Saint, no one else can call you a jerk anymore, coz you've just did! We can't really talk much bad things about you already because, oh wait.. You've said you're sorry! So J is supposed to just forgive and forget right?
Mr B, such hurt cannot be erased even if you've graced the blog with your presence. Your flowery and long comment does not justify the hurt you've caused this poor individual.
Move on yourself, I wish you a happy life with your new found love. This time, I hope you "listen real hard to what He above has to say" Don't use God's name in vain for your despicable purposes.
Shalom
- Annoymouse
Anonymouse,
I'm honestly more impressed with your comment than the superfluous lessons that Saint B, otherwise aka Jerk B, has learnt.
If I were J, I would really sober up and the next sensible thing to do will be to calculate how much to charge B for havin spent 3 years teaching him practical lessons in all those things he learnt.
To forgive, is God's job. To learn, you need to pay some price. That's how we all move on.
Love-capitalist
Post a Comment