31 May 08 - Have I changed??

My tuitions are cancelled today, leaving me with whole day free..(in fact, when they all suddenly cancelled is also a blessing to me cos I really need a personal break; my do-to list is so long yet I do not have time.) I spent the whole day, really the WHOLE day, rearranging my room (my bi-annual habit). I reached home last night at 3am, after AMP, and woke up at 7am. Started working on my new shoe cabinets even before breakfast, then moving unto giving my room a total new look. (I really enjoy moving my furnitures around, giving my room a 'new concept', without any giving any pre-plan..totally impulse and inspirational. Most do spring cleaning once a year, but I do it bi-annually)..'Inspiration' just flow when I started pushing and moving my books-cabinet around. Then my 2 wardrobes, my bedside table, little Altar, bed and even brought the old shoe cabinet into my room...and I did all the pushing, rearranging, packing and cleaning all by myself!!! When a mysophobia person cleans, I can assure you that we really CLEAN! I even swept and mopped the floor every time I moved one furniture. Just want to be sure everywhere is clean, before I move it into its new place..How my back aches now!! 7am to 10pm of bending, pushing and lifting heavy things, no rest+hardly any water too.. Well done, J.

I cant help thinking of B...previous times(8 times in 4 yrs) he was around to help me, even repainting my whole room(though he always ended up being nagged by me for moving to the wrong position, or sleeping on job.) B is not a person who like the idea of rearranging furnitures so often in a year, unlike me and his mother. But his presence is enough to be my motivation, even though he's 'taking a rest' while I continued the work. Cant blame him, cos I just dun like to leave things unsettled despite how tired I am..that's why I continued the rearrangement work without him..

OK, back to my room...It's a strange feeling as I worked on the room concept today. In the past, I've always wanted to create 'my corner' in my room. The idea is more of 'as long as my partner n me r happy in this room'...But this time, the inspiration keeps suggesting such creative ideas towards 'open-room' concept.

For some background information, my family IS very hospitable - my dad even provided 2 Jap 'homestay' in our house, when he was a cab-driver. NO charge! Just 1 night of experiencing local lifestyle.. That is how weird and friendly my family is, though we usually appear really cold and even 'unloving'.. My mum n sisters also like to invite their friends n colleagues for cook-together, chat or sleep-over etc..Except me. I enjoy my friends' company but sharing the night with them is another issue altogether. Night is my personal time, time with my partner etc..

But as I was saying, this time the arrangement is so different! I cant wait to 'showcase' my room to my friends and anyone who visit our house. I used to dread the idea of inviting friends over, just imagine the amount of cleaning after they leave!! (I'm clean freak, remember?) But I'm so proud of my room now! I cant wait to invite all my friends to stay with me! I even put up one of those 'cosy' stuff which I'd never think of having in my room! (My ideal design is only glass+metal+mirrors, I need as much space+light as possible. Wood/Cottage stuff is definitely No-No!)..the impulse n wanting friends to come over is so joyful, esp now I can entertain them with Wii.. They can come n play and chat while I cook for them (there'll be some good guests who'll help in dish washing, right?) I've bought so many new cookery books, only to short of 'food-tasters'

Nowadays, my RCIA mates come over for guitar lessons on Sundays. Though I'm a poor host, but I must say the fellowship is really different(in public vs home setting). When your friends are able to make themselves so at home in your home, the feeling and quality of sharing is really so much higher! (Tip: Ensure ample non-fizzy drinks and ice-cream in fridge + snacks!) I'm so looking forward to invite AMP dears, even opening up my room for our fortnightly cellgroup meeting! I've always wanted to dedicate a room for God's usage, be it personal prayer or church group meeting. That room will be so filled with God's tangible Presence! It's like having the 'Inner court of the God's temple' right inside your room; having God as your co-housemate! Wow!! How thrilling!!

Have I changed and why? For better or for worse? Is it just a fast sprouting seed with no firm roots?...But seriously, people who know me personally, YOU ARE FREE TO COME/USE/STAY OVER MY ROOM ANYTIME! Just give me a call!

Anyway, can someone please pray for my aching back+shoulder? I better go to rest now, lest I cant attend Mass tmr.

30 May 08 - Secular music

I don't know how people think.. but whenever I hear or sing popular love songs (secular* ones) or see all the crowds outside those club and pubs, I cant help wondering..what if all these love songs are directed to God and what if all these people are also so enthusiastic** coming to house of God - don't mind long wait outside church doors, and having so much fun in church...How pleasing that will be to God, so many people reconciled to Him into eternalty!! Imagine that!

Recently, this thought keeps coming to me, esp listening to all those songs dedicated to earthquake victims.. No doubt the songs are beautifully composed and full of love, really touching..This is love we share during crisis, but this is the love our Father has for us ALL THE TIME. If only we could hear, He is singing love songs to us every moment!

I don't know why I have this thinking-different view on secular things.. Maybe cos I experienced this ridiculous+helpless+sudden weeping for God, just by hearing a pop song. I was still in Polytechnic (those days I have stopped attending church services, instead I'm a frequent 'club dancer' with my mates)..having between-lectures break in School of Business canteen...sitting beside the jukebox, chatting with my project mates. Suddenly, the jukebox played this stupid song - (you'll know why i call it stupid later). IMMEDIATELY (serious no joke - my project mates can be my witnesses), i started to cry then it turned to weeping! My friends were shocked (so were I!!). They kept asking me what happened,was I having any bad time etc.. I just cry and cry along with this song..In the end, the whole cohoort knew I'm crying and they crowded around and consoled me! How I tried to explain that I'm ok, not stress at all, neither was I having any problem with my bf then. But I just cant help crying and crying in the canteen, in front of the people!! Talk about embarrassing myself in public!! (All cos of this stupid song!)

I really do not understand why I cried (afterall there're alot of touching love songs and they didn't make me cry), even now I still don't know why that stupid song? All I know is once the lyrics is sang, my tears tap was instantly turned on UNCONTROLLABLY! This is stupid and dumb, ok! Just imagine the scene! That's why I'll always remember this stupid song! But then again, how true it is!! I was faithless yet He remains faithful; I let Him go, but He has never let me go.. I really cannot even imagine how great is His Love and His patience with all of us.. If only we can feel a tenth of His Love..

"For all those times you stood by me
For all the truth that you made me see
For all the joy you brought to my life
For all the wrong that you made right
For every dream you made come true
For all the love i found in you
I'll be forever thankful baby
You're the one who held me up
Never let me fall
You're the one who saw me through through it all

You were my strength when i was weak
You were my voice when i couldn't speak
You were my eyes when i couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when i couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'coz you believed
I'm everything i am
Because you loved me

You gave me wings and made me fly
You touched my hand i could touch the sky
I lost my faith, you gave it back to me
You said no star was out of reach
You stood by me and i stood tall
I had your love i had it all
I'm grateful for each day you gave me
Maybe i don't know that much
But i know this much is true
I was blessed because i was loved by you

You were my strength when i was weak
You were my voice when i couldn't speak
You were my eyes when i couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when i couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'coz you believed
I'm everything i am
Because you loved me

You were always there for me
The tender wind that carried me
A light in the dark shining your love into my life
You've been my inspiration
Through the lies you were the truth
My world is a better place because of you

You were my strength when i was weak
You were my voice when i couldn't speak
You were my eyes when i couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when i couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'coz you believed
I'm everything i am
Because you loved me

You were my strength when i was weak
You were my voice when i couldn't speak
You were my eyes when i couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when i couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'coz you believed
I'm everything i am
Because you loved me

I'm everything i am
Because you loved me"



* Secular = not connected with religion or the church
** Enthusiasm = first appeared in English in 1603 with the meaning "possession by a god." The source of the word is the Greek enthousiasmos, which ultimately comes from the adjective entheos, "having the god within," formed from en, "in, within," and theos, "god." Over time the meaning of enthusiasm became extended to "rapturous inspiration like that caused by a god" to "an overly confident or delusory belief that one is inspired by God," to "ill-regulated religious fervor, religious extremism," and eventually to the familiar sense "craze, excitement, strong liking for something."

29 May 08 - Officially out of depression

Can I start with some superstition? From 29Dec07 (the day my love suddenly died) to 29May08, it's exactly 5mths. Only 20weeks!! Yet, this is the LONGEST 20weeks of my life! I really used ALL the energy of my life to survive these 20weeks! How devastated I was,how i fear and cried when crossing over,how i looked forward for RCIA,how i struggled to stand up and learn to walk again..till now. I'm so blessed with all the 'flow' and 'smoothness' in my life that i'm so grateful in everything. What a long 5mths! So much happened and so much learnt..And what an coincident!! Today is 29th day too!! Talk about numerology, haha.. ok, joke aside, I'm sure you'd agree it IS the hardest path in my life and I had to walk or even crawl alone..I'm in awe of how God has planned for me..

Ok,back to entry proper..I'm so happy that I'm officially declared out of depression!! I had my consultation today. At first I really did not want to go, i mean..what am i supposed to share? that i'm turning into a religious freak? everything and everyone is about God? For all i know my counsellor might think i'm going to be a nun as my 'escape route'. In the end, i really procrastinated so much that I had to take a cab from my office. Even during the journey, I so wanted to redirect the driver to home. Yet, i kept the advice of a good friend to 'go and see for myself if I'm on right track of recovery'...I really dragged myself there..

God indeed has planned my life - every tiny details! When my counsellor recapped my consultations,I am so surprised she actually took down her notes into such details!! Maybe it's part of her profession, but she is really very focused and meticulous! She really brought back memory of 1st consultation - I was so unstable and was so certain that I will not be able to survive anymore. How I've been improving from 2nd and 3rd consultations..Today is my 4th consultation and she's so happy for me that she can call it the 'last consultation'. Of course, we all know relaspe is a real possibility in every illness. But she is confident that i'm on the right track and right mind.. even though I shared all the 'spiritual talk' with her. I don't know if she's believer in Christ, but i'm so happy to know that I'm not going from emotional instability to mental instability. It's really a comfort to me, esp it's from a professional. I'm so happy (and sad cos i will not be seeing her again) that i bought some children party snacks for my RCIA group as 'celebration'. I know it's childish but I really did that! I'm officially 'cleared' from both medication and counselling, within 20weeks!

Indeed God has shown me so much when I cling unto Him so tightly as my only Source and Energy. Of course, not to forget the Divine intercession of Mother Mary, whom I'm sure has always been praying for me as I come to her in tears. The love of a Mother to a child...Besides the joy of loving my family, friends and colleagues, i've also learnt to be more appreciative in little things. Life IS actually so simple! Everyday is indeed a gift from God, even with the tests and trials that come with it. There is always light at the end of the tunnel, if we do not give up.


"Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, that he will also reap" Galatians 6:7

Thank you all for your prayers and concern!! God really loves you so much, so do I (still trying my best for some of you :P)!

28 May 08 - Youths on Fire

I really have to admit: blogging is really addictive n also a good challenge to learn priortising.(So thankful to my therapist who showed me to this channel) So many happenings, so much thoughts and reflections in one day - yet I can only blog ONE each day. (See, people, I'm already trying my best not to bore you with all those 'enlightening' and 'freaking' stuff.)

Today, out of all blessings, what really made my heart leap(and is still leaping) with joy is the cellgroup with the youths last night. I've always burdened for young people, youths, leaders for the future. (Maybe bcos of the strong passion for youths during my years in CHC)..Youths, adolescents, self-identifying period of life, critical and precious journey of life.. This is the life-turning point- whatever decision they make will affect the rest of their life journey. Personally, this is the time when you are either on Fire for God, or for the world. It is really a tough decision-making at this age, though one really cannot understand the impact of his/her decision on his/her whole life then. It's really tough, I'm sure you'd agree with me...We're young before, right?


Ok, back to last night.. The sharing was really GREAT! Not only that they are open to share their life problems and joy, but also their Hunger for God. Honestly, I'm still learning how to share with them, yet not appearing to be spiritual...Afterall, I'm still new to them..I really trying my best to stay away from being 'spiritual'. To put it simply, I'm more of a listener, yet I cant help shouting inside with joy and identifying 'those days and struggles' as they share. I just feel so blessed that I actually went through what they are speaking of now.. (trust me, it was really hard when u r going thru, but it's a unexplainable joy when u r able to look back and identify with others who are going thru it now)...Maybe one day, I might be able to share my experience in depression - how He blessed me, took it away suddenly and brought me so close to Him. (It's really not my choice to take this faith journey to cross over. God simply PULL me out and put me here, and my eyes are really opened since then. Maybe He's also kinda 'fed-up' with me for wasting my time around) :D

Let's not random :) ... It's really a joy to be with youths, especially seeing them so hungry for God! Really!! The Fire and the Hunger for God can really be seen! "For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also" (Matthew 6:21 ; Luke 12:34) And "He who believes in Me, as the Scripture has said, out of his heart will flow rivers of living water" (John 7:38)... It's no wonder how Jesus can SEE our faith...

Keep it up, Amplify! You will grow to be a grow tree one day for Kingdom of God! Trust me!! God is raising a new generation for His Glory!

27 May 08 - Little actions go long way

Is it true that little acts go a long way, especially actions done in the mornings? Eg, morning prayers, morning greetings.. etc..

As you know, my office location is really inconvenient (to my definition). I had to take private bus, rather than public transportation, and it costs me $2 per trip (that's expensive for Singapore bus transport, ok?) But I really 'look forward' to it each morning. The bus-driver is ever so cheerful - greets EVERYONE who onboards and goodbyes to EVERYONE who alights. I tell you, it's not easy to keep this kind of enthusiasm every morning in this cold society. But this driver sure does it very well! Even when he's late on his schedule, he apologises to EVERYONE who boards. He must really love his job to keep this kind of passion every day, doing the same thing for the same old faces each morning. He might have done this in purpose - to cheer people, make them comfortable in his ride. But little does he know how much his simple greetings actually brightens our day even though we might not realise it ourselves. Do you understand the concept of multiplier? It does not only apply in economics, but our daily lives and our attitude.

If you are not the type who will greet people with a great smile (not a weak smile) in mornings, you should start greeting! What goes around comes around. Not because you can expect to return your smile, but the 'reward' of giving will bring joy inside you. Nothing is able to dampen your mood that day, even facing heavy load, unreasonable people or stressful deadlines. Your reward will be indeed great!

"Your attitude determines your altitude" - Pastor Kong Hee

26 May 08 - God really works in ways I cannot fathom..

Before I turn the tap to let my thoughts flow in...
If there's any good from my retail therapy, i must say it's buying that Wii. Out of so many things I've bought to cheer myself, I bought Wii after a really tough decision (i'd honestly prefer to spend that $500 on a lot of things rather than 1 thing). And the funny thing is i've played less than 30mins in total, since it's installed. But it sure brings a lot joy and laughter to my family, even my mum plays it every night with such loud laughter...Everyone is enjoying Wii so much as 'indoor' exercise now that my poor dogs are so neglected..

OK, can i disclose some of my private prayers with you?..Then again, if u have been following my entries, you'd have gotten used to my 'online' prayers, whether u like it or not.. haha

I miss City Harvest..its strong Bible studies (even during normal service), its strong fellowship and cell groups..I really miss the atmosphere where bible verses and promises are part of normal conversations. Really miss so much that I even planned to end my afternoon tuition session so I can attend Saturday service in CHC. It's impossible to attend both Mass and service on Sunday...

As I was organising my weekly schedule this afternoon, a friend from Amplify sms me. She's usually not the one who follow-up with me.. Anyway we ended up having such a good chat. In fact, 'chat' is really a mild way to put it cos I'm so blessed by our conversation. Though we have not known for long, it's amazing how we share our faith and encouragement. I'm so surprised and blessed that our direction in faith is so much in common. You can really feel the difference in conversational quality between someone so aligned with your faith, and someone who is just trying to 'be there for you'. We are so open to each other lives, and encouraging each other with bible quotes. I have always enjoyed being with Amplify but this is the first time I really have such quality chat! Instantly I know I'm in 'good hands' cos this ministry really hungers for Word of God, their faith is so strong and the fear of God is upon them.. I'm really so at home with them. I really don't know how to describe but i really enjoyed the chat so much..And when she asked me to join her cell-group, I was like 'OK, God, You did it again'. (Fyi, Amplify does not really have cellgroup structure, it's really out of their passion that they group themselves to be accountable for each other. What a spirit, right?!) Never despise small beginnings for great things to come! Great achievements start small.

Coincident again? OK, my life is really full of coincidents, freaky+timely coincidences.

After work, I decided to drop-by the SCC200 'gathering' to experience what they are actually doing. (Fyi, in CTK parish we have these small community groups where they'll gather and pray and fellowship etc, except Bible study) It's kinda cell-group in our Protestant churches (Oh man, I really DO NOT like this word 'Protestants'!!.. separated brothers??.. even the word 'separated' doesnt sound right - We are all in the same Body!) Everyone is so happy to see me. Fyi how i got to know this group is really a wonder...I was attracted by their christmas carols last Oct when they're practising..I'm so busybody that I followed the music to my neighbour's house below. At first I was enjoying the carols at the staircase (just outside their doorstep) but I ended up singing along with them IN the house, as they welcomed me in. Even B was surprised and amused how I could actually and simply go and join them just like that..Though we are neighbours, but I really do not know who they are. Well, my thought at that time was 'hey it's Christmas, a time to spread the joy..afterall the westerners do this too'. It's funny. how God works, right?

OK, I mentioned everyone is happy to see me in SCC200. But I'm even more surprised to see them!! Besides from the 'familiar' faces from last carolling, I actually met my friend Agnes!! Agnes is a strong woman and active member in Family Life ministry. How I get to know her? it's another wonder! I was just sitting beside her in Mass one day. At the end of the Mass, she simply turned to me and asked about me. I was really taken aback-afterall people dont just turn to ask about you, especially I do not know this person at all! I guess she must had seen my hesitation to her question, cos she then apologised and explained..she didn't understand either-she just felt that she should talk to me and so she did. That's how we know each other-she's been my 'invisible' mentor before RCIA started. And here she is in this SCC group! I'm so happy cos ever since RCIA started, I kinda lost contact with her..

You know, God is really God of Abundance..When I asked for cellgroup support, He gave me TWO groups! Remember the time I was so 'free' and afraid of being 'free', I prayed for something to occupy my time? I tried registering myself as volunteer to various organisations, yet I receive no response. But now, i find myself having so many choices on what to do, that it's more of a challenge for me to priortise. Trust me, be careful of what you ask for in prayers. God is so happy and excited to answer our prayers that He simply POURS His answers unto us. Alternatively, you might want to try to be as specific as possible. If you want 1 apple, just ask 1 apple. If you just say apple, He can really pours the whole crate of apples(or even more) to you. I mean it. He 'failed' badly in His selfish and stingy test.

妈妈别哭.... Please help them, don't be skeptical

I'm really not into Chinese shows and music but I really want to share this poem with you. The charity show on TV didn't really move me much (afterall we are so immune to fund-raising shows these days), till this poem... Tears just flood down, I just feel so much for this child..the cry of all the children in China and Myanmar...

妈妈别哭，我现在已没有痛苦
不用再看我，你一辈子也会记住
地震来得那么唐突
没有什么可以遮护
幸存的同学真让人羡慕
那一刻，求生的愿望强烈却茫然无助

妈妈别哭，我不能陪你走今后的路
这么多人陪我我不会孤独
却担心你悲痛地泪流如注
我多么希望你能幸福
我多想长大了孝敬父母
我真的不想早走这一步

妈妈别哭，地震是大地在发怒
也许是它一时糊涂
才伤害了这么多无辜
我只是不幸中的一卒
还有更多的人惨不忍睹
泪水掀不起压我的混凝土

妈妈别哭，别再抱着我幼小的身躯
我已没有往日的温度
呼吸和心跳已经止住
请给我换上爱穿的衣服
拿来我爱读的书
假如天堂里还有学府
我会在梦中告诉你考试的分数

妈妈别哭，天灾人祸是对圣灵的荼毒
你柔弱的身躯无法挡住
只要妈妈你还活着
就是上天对我们的眷顾
因为有你，每年清明那小坟上，会多一锹土

I don't know about you.. But I really hear the cry of this strong kid..his last blessing to his mother.. I hope that's how my children cried too..I'm sorry..

Please help our brothers and sisters who are suffering now..Do not let skepticism hinder your kind intention..Do our part and let God do the rest.. God looks at our hearts and love for one another..

"And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength.This is the first commandment. And the second, like it, is this: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no other commandment greater than these." - Mark 12:30-31

"I tell you the truth, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me." - Matthew 25:45

24 May 08 - How to pray

Very often, we 'give up' on our prayer life, because we do not know how to pray, what to pray.. But yet, we know prayer life is very important as it's communication with God Himself, our Abba Father. So, how to pray, especially you are praying for a miracle in your life?
[ Miracle: An event that appears inexplicable by the laws of nature and so is held to be supernatural in origin or an act of God]

How to expect a miracle through prayer? We are taught to pray for God's will be done, all works for His greater Glory, strength to do His will ..etc etc. In fact, it's not really encouraged that we should pray for our needs, wants and interests. Afterall, God is Almighty, He knows what situation we are in and what we desire in our hearts, right? If it's meant for us, He will give to us. True, I do agree, God knows every requests even before you ask for it. Then, how shall we pray, since He already knows we desire a miracle?

I'd like to share 3 kinds of faith I've been taught, learnt and reinforced again when I was in a prayer meeting during my depression. It's simple, yet it should be the way we must have in prayers.. FAITH.

3 situations for miracles to take place:
1)When the miracle works for God's Glory.
This is the simplest to understand, and this is what we've always been taught.
When Jesus performed His miracle, it's usually of Divine Timing. Can you imagine - Jesus who is so well-known for His healing power, walking down the street full of sickly, handicapped and even lepers..I'm sure the street is full of those people because they were 'outcast' of the society, and they really seek some miracle to make them 'accepted' again. In Matthew 15:29-31 and Luke 6:17-19, Jesus heals great multitude-"the whole multitude sought to touch Him, for power went out from Him and healed them all", "and they glorified the God of Israel". It did not matter how long/short had each of them waited for their miracle, Jesus healed everyone of them that day.

2)When faith of intercessor is strong.
This is commonly known and experienced when people prays and blesses you. You might not believe in miracle, but miracles do happen when they pray for you. When a paralytic was unable to come to Jesus, his friends took the effort to let him down with his bed through the roof into the midst before Jesus. When Jesus saw THEIR faith, he gave the paralytic his miracle. (Matthew 9:1-2; Mark 2:1-5; Luke 5:17-20) Personally, I think the paralytic must be very grateful to have such friends of great faith- not only they believe Jesus is the Healer, but they put their faith into action on behalf of him.

3)When your own faith is strong.
This is the most demanding faith to have. Yet, if you truly desire your miracle, this is the faith you must have, against all odds. There will be people who tell you to 'face reality', and might even labelled you as 'stubborn'. Trust me, they really meant well and good for you, though they do not share your faith for your miracle. But this will also means you are 'on your own' in this faith battle.
I hope you remember the woman who had a flow of blood for twelve years (Matthew 9:2-22; Mark 5:25-34; Luke 8:43-48). Imagine being so sick for more than a decade, yet still hoping for a miracle! I'm sure people around her would have been so 'fed-up' and given up on her for her stubborn desire to get well. She must be very lonely in her faith journey. Yet, she kept her faith and pushed through the crowd towards Jesus. Just imagine what a crowd it was cos everyone just wanted to be near Jesus, touching Him.. Yet, with her pain of flowing blood, she pushed through for 'just one touch of His clothes'. And the most amazing part is although Jesus was being so thronged and pressed upon in the crowd, He actually felt nothing until this woman 'stolen' His power from Him. That is the power of one's strong faith for miracle - to able to 'steal' power of God..


In conclusion, when you pray, do not be afraid to tell God what you desire. There is nothing wrong of a child to keep asking from his father for the things he wants. Afterall, the child won't know how to differentiate good and bad, at the point of asking. If only you dare to open your mouth and ask, God will hears and He will make a way - to give or to teach. If your desire is great, also pray for great faith to receive your miracle. Our Father will increase your faith each day, if only you ask. You will receive one day, if you do not lose heart.

“Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened. Or what man is there among you who, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will he give him a serpent? If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask Him! Therefore, whatever you want men to do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets." - Matthew 7:7-12

"With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible" - Matthew 19:26 and Mark 10:27

"if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you" - Matthew 17:20

"The earnest (heartfelt, continued) prayer of a righteous man makes tremendous power available [dynamic in its working]."- James 5:16 (Amplified Bible)


This is the book which taught me so much about praying, when I was so lost in my prayers..I hope it'll bless you too.
How to Pray - RA Torrey
http://www.freechristianaudiobooks.com/audiobooks/HowtoPray/mp3/HowtoPraymp3.htm

22 May 08 - Workaholic J

I'm in office..saw my emails and I'm glad the emails are manageable today (fyi, I'm waiting for a mass request which has to be completed by next wed). So decided to 'take a break, have a blog' while I can still afford.

Yesterday I met a long-lost friend and we happened to be on topic of marriage. (It's common topic for my age group.) Well, I didn't share about what happened but I managed to turn the conversation to work..

Listening to our talk, I realise I really do love my job. No kidding. I really love my job, and so blessed to be able to return to this position, even after the abrupt notice given. How I got this position was already God's blessing and yet I'm offered back again, after the abrupt 'handover'. (It's also not a 'handover' cos I simply left everything on my desk and took my leave, as I really could not control myself anymore.) That was how bad I was, and the whole department saw...

From the start, God has already planned this route for me. This job is really 'given' to me because I didn't even apply or know of this vacancy at all. I just received a call for interview and they offered me on spot. I can still remember how surprised+blessed I was as I prayed for God's direction, to decide between this and another great offer. Honestly, I was really blessed beyond words - even B was 'envious' at that time. And I'm so glad I followed Holy Spirit's 'tagging' to join this company, though the location is my 'most undesired'.

I've been so greatly blessed ever since.. great boss, great colleagues and great culture! Though my workload is great, but I really love my job! Even when I was with B, I love my job, contributing my every best (even working on Saturdays). It was when I finished my work, then I realised it's late at night. Then the 'guilt' came for not spending time with family and B...That's how I loved my job and still loving..Now that I'm back, and able to concentrate, it's no problem for me to work long hours, contributing my EVERY best..

Workaholic? Yes, I am..and proud of it! :D

"In everything you do, do your best and God will do the rest."

21 May 08 - Though hope is frail,it's hard to kill

Today's session is really God's rhema for me. (Rhema[Gk-ρημα)]:prophetic spoken word,direct words of God to the individual) Our journey is on Jesus' Ministry now...teaching & proclaiming and healing & curing. Indeed, we really have to 'be careful' in our prayers for miracles..cos the 'price' of miracle is usually the Great Commission. I'm not saying it's a trade transaction, but you'll be so in awe of how great God is that you cant help proclaiming His Glory.

It's Father's style to end session with a song and reflection prayer..and this is the moment which touches me..The song "When you believe"..I reflected on my journey so far.. It's amazing how I could actually be in depression (cos I'm quite a strong-headed person), how I enjoy His blessings and guidance in this 'scary' cross-over, how I am 'miraculously' healed, and even how I am actually sharing the Word and encourage others to read the Word (I could not see myself sharing His Word with any friend at all, cos my spiritual discipline was rather weak)..this song also brought me back to the ancient days when Moses faced the dead-end, yet nothing is impossible to God - He parted the Red Sea..Yes, many of us, including myself, can only imagine it as cartoon, or frictional story. But the fact is THE BIBLE IS BASED ON TRUE ACCOUNTS! It's hard and impossible for me to imagine, but that's how God works.. How awesome, right?

Matt 17:20 "..if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you" Such a simple request - simply believe and have faith in God. Yet, in science, there's a study on mind power and positive energy. That must be SUPER GREAT mind power to part the sea, in order for the whole tribe to cross! If so, in my opinion, we should keep Moses' brain to study instead of Einstein.

*****



Many nights we've prayed
With no proof anyone could hear
In our hearts a hopeful song
We barely understood
Now we are not afraid
Although we know there's much to fear
We were moving mountains long
Before we knew we could

There can be miracles
When you believe
Though hope is frail
It's hard to kill
Who knows what miracles
You can achieve
When you believe
Somehow you will
You will when you believe

In this time of fear
When prayer so often proved in vain
Hope seemed like the summer birds
Too swiftly flown away
And now I am standing here
Now I'm standing here
With heart so full I can't explain
Seeking faith and speaking words
I never thought I'd say

There can be miracles
When you believe (When you believe)
Though hope is frail
It's hard to kill (It's hard to kill)
Who knows what miracles
You can achieve (You can achieve)
When you believe
Somehow you will
You will when you believe

Ashira l'adonai ki gaoh ga-ah
Ashira l'adonai ki gaoh ga-ah
Mi chamocha baelim adonai
Mi kamocha nedar bakodesh

Nachita v'chas-d'cha am zu ga-alta
Nachita v'chas-d'cha am zu ga-alta
Ashira ashira ashira

Ashira l'adonai ki gaoh ga-ah
Ashira l'adonai ki gaoh ga-ah
Mi chamocha baelim adonai
Mi kamocha nedar bakodesh

Nachita v'chas-d'cha am zu ga-alta
Nachita v'chas-d'cha am zu ga-alta
Ashira ashira ashira

There can be miracles
When you believe
Though hope is frail
It's hard to kill

It's hard to kill
Who knows what miracles
You can achieve

You can achieve
When you believe
Somehow you will
Now you will

You will when you believe

20 May 08 - My buddy's wedding

i know they're preparing for marriage, I'm happy for them.. and I'm very grateful for their sensitivity, they tried to 'keep low profile' from me, knowing what i was going through.. Oh ya, remember when I was in my pit, I shared that my buddy's gf came and I was greatly blessed? That's them - ZhongWei and Wendy. They are really such a blessing to me. Wendy even took the effort to print out those Bible promises into stickers, so I can focus on God then. That is the most creative encouragement techique I've ever seen, really. Now they are getting married, I'm really so happy for them. :)

Come to think of it, it's kinda strange too. I kinda 'first' to get into the idea of marriage, among the 3 of us - Zhongwei, Ziwei and me. Yet their commitment are so ready to put into action. In fact, Ziwei was married early this year and Zhongwei is getting married end of the year. How timely.. I'll always remember this year 2008.

And the best surprise is when Zhongwei told this good news to me, I was about to 'book' them to witness my baptism in church. Because I'm so greatly blessed by them, I really wanted them to share my joy that day too. And behold! Their wedding date is 15Dec08!! My baptism is on 14Dec08! How timely! I know they'll be busy with all those last minute preparation, but Zhongwei say they'll try their best to attend..What a friend!! (Zhongwei, no pressure ok? really.. even if you cant attend, I'll still attend your wedding on 15Dec :p )

I was so happy that I called my sisters to share this great news. Fyi, Zhongwei and my family are close (please do not ask me why-i dunno) since our primary school days. He's like a godson to my mother, though he only visits her once a year (esp last day and last hour of CNY). He's a guest who we can simply trust him to make himself feel at home, in our house, without having to entertain him. :) And I'm so glad he finally managed to 'persuade' Wendy to marry him, lest I'm sure no one would.. hahaa..

..Some of you may be wondering...I know it's kinda hurtful but the joy of his marriage is greater than this hurt in me. We practically grew up together, from 'friendly' basketball vs netball team, traffic monitor to chasing around with waterbottles..Those were really good memories. Don't worry for me, ya? I'm ok, really ok. I know it might remind me of some hurt, but hey..my situation is still in God's Hands. What makes you think it wont get better? God is still working in my outcome!! Oh, ye of little faith.. :P I know my God will work it out for me in His timing. You just wait and see :D

20 May 08 - Reflection on mystery of suffering

I was 'scare' to sleep last night cos I don't know if I'll be dreaming of B again - the joy of dreaming with the pain of reality is really very torturing, if you ever experience it.I was trying my best to tire myself out by surfing the Net and my friend emailed this article to me....Another 'coincident'? OK, my life is certainly full of 'coincidents'..too many of them..

Now, physically in office after a long weekend, my mind still clings onto the teachings of the article from last night. Job and David are really impossible!! They go through all the dramatic changes in their lives, yet able to turn and praise God, and in the end both gain so much favour from God..so much that God actually answers Job's questions to his situation and David is so doted by God as 'man after God's own heart'. What an HONOUR to be praised by God, our Creator Himself!

Looking at what's happening and happened around me (be it personally or globally), there're so much pain and laments! "Oh God, why me?","why do You allow this to happen?","God,what have I done to deserve this?"...Even if no sound is made, can you hear the cries and screams of hearts? The desperate cries for help, coming directly from our hearts! God must be hurting so much more than us, as He hears these voices of our hearts. He loves everyone of us so much..To make things worse, He is the One who has to allow and 'approve' these painful experiences, knowing that He'll be more hurtful than us, knowing that we might 'blame' Him because we will not be able to understand His good intentions and plans...It must be really tough and hurtful to be God..I can imagine our Lord crying as He prays for us (have you seen the Agony of Jesus in Gethsemane?)..That is how He is intercessing for us, no matter how we blame him...


Source: www.theholyrosary.org

The Mystery of Suffering: How Should I Respond?

The Mystery of Suffering: How Should I Respond?
by Kenneth R. Overberg, S.J.


Suffering surrounds us. Mental and physical illness, poverty and starvation, wars and violence of all kinds overwhelm individuals, communities, entire nations. We ourselves experience suffering. It might be broken relationships and alienated families, accidents and disease, failed dreams or boring jobs, in dying and death. How many people suffer from addictions, abuse and other forms of violence!

A terrible image of suffering now burns in the memories of so many of us: planes burying themselves into the World Trade Center and erupting in giant fireballs. Shock and horror led to grief and lament, heroism and vengeance—and to questions about God. “How could God allow this to happen?” “Where is God in all this suffering?” Those directly involved in suffering often ask, “Why did this happen to me?” and sometimes even “What did I do wrong to be punished in this way?”

Humans have long asked these questions. The whole Book of Job in the Bible is about the question of suffering. Christians have tried to discover meaning for suffering in studying and praying about the suffering and death of Jesus told in the Gospels. Some of the more violent biblical perspectives, however, fail to satisfy fully. Hearts and minds long for the God of compassion revealed by Jesus.

How should I respond to suffering? There’s a question for everyone. In this Update we’ll consider the life of Jesus, including some of the major interpretations of his suffering and death. We will return to Scripture and Tradition for another perspective on Jesus’ life and death. There we will find clues for our own response to suffering.

Jesus and suffering

From the Gospels we learn three important points about Jesus and suffering. Books can and have been written about them. Here they are in brief:

1. Jesus resisted and eliminated suffering. Many Gospel stories tell of Jesus healing the blind and sick. Matthew’s Gospel summarizes this way: “Then Jesus went about all the cities and villages, teaching in their synagogues and proclaiming the good news of the kingdom, and curing every disease and every sickness” (9:35).

2. Jesus rejected suffering as punishment for sin. Deeply embedded in the Hebrew tradition is the conviction that suffering is punishment for sin, called the “Law of Retribution.” The people in exile in Babylon, for example, interpreted their exile as God’s punishment for their failure to follow the covenant faithfully. This conviction appears in many religions and cultures. Jesus, however, rejected it. Matthew’s Jesus in the Sermon on the Mount describes God as beyond all that: “for he makes his sun rise on the bad and the good, and causes rain to fall on the just and the unjust” (Mt 5:45).

Similarly, John’s Jesus heals the blind man and explicitly rejects the idea that suffering is punishment for sin. Jesus tells those listening, “Neither he nor his parents sinned; it is so that the works of God might be made visible through him” (see Jn 9:1-41, especially 2-5).

Finally, consider Luke 13:4-5, a question about people who died in the tragic collapse of the tower of Siloam. Jesus indicates that the victims were not killed due to some sin or guilt on their part. Everyone, he says, needs to repent, to turn towards God.

3. Jesus trusted a compassionate, present God. The Gospels reveal Jesus’ intimate, loving relationship with God. Jesus’ surprising use of the word Abba (“Daddy”) to describe God conveys a sense of simplicity, familiarity and trust. The parables also give us a glimpse of Jesus’ sense of God. The Prodigal Son (Lk 15:11-32) tells us a lot about the father: He allows his son freedom even to waste the inheritance; he watches for his return; he forgives the son without any bitterness, throwing a party to celebrate; he goes out to console the angry older brother. Abba is a loving, forgiving, gentle parent. Even as he faced suffering and death, Jesus remained faithful to his call, always trusting God. In the Resurrection, God confirms Jesus’ faithfulness.

Interpreting a terrible death

The life and teaching of Jesus highlighted the healing presence of a God of love and life. In the end, however, Jesus suffered a horrible execution. The mystery of suffering and death—first Jesus’ and later others’—led the early Christian communities to search for light and meaning. They looked to their own culture and their Hebrew Scriptures for possible interpretations. These insights found their way into their preaching and eventually into the New Testament.

From Jewish culture they knew about ransom. From their Jewish practices they also experienced sacrifice and atonement. From their Wisdom literature (the Book of Wisdom is an example) they were familiar with the theme of the vindication of the Innocent Sufferer. From the prophet Isaiah (chapters 42, 49, 50, 52-53) Jesus’ followers creatively used the songs of the Suffering Servant to interpret Jesus’ suffering and death. The Messiah, of course, was not expected to be a suffering messiah.

The facts of crucifixion and death jarred Jesus’ followers into searching the Hebrew Scriptures for insight. A good example of this whole process is the New Testament’s Letter to the Hebrews. Here we read of the priesthood and sacrifice of Jesus (see Chapters 3-10).

Scholars tell us that what the Bible understands by terms such as sacrifice and atonement may be quite different from the understandings that many of us have. For example, for Hebrew people, the blood of the sacrificed animal symbolized the life of the person or community. Pouring the blood on the altar was a symbolic gesture reuniting life with God. The sacrifices were an expression of the people’s desire for reconciliation and union with God. The ritual, of course, still included violence and the death of the victim.

Throughout the centuries Christians have reflected on and developed these different interpretations, leading to a variety of theologies and popular pieties, some of them quite distant from the Scriptures and even farther from the vision of Jesus.

In the fourth century, St. Augustine spoke of satisfaction for sin in legal terms of debts and justice. A key development took place in the 12th century when the theologian St. Anselm developed St. Augustine’s ideas to describe atonement for sin. Anselm, reflecting the medieval culture of his day, understood sin to be something like a peasant insulting a king. Reconciliation would require satisfaction for this insult to the king’s honor. Sin, however, is an infinite offense against God that demands adequate atonement. While humanity was obliged to atone, no human could pay this infinite debt. Only God could do so adequately.

According to this 12th-century view, that is exactly what Jesus, the God-Man, accomplished by his suffering and death. It was actually later theologians and preachers who added to Anselm’s position by emphasizing blood and pain as the satisfaction that placated God’s anger. Many Catholics still grow up with such an understanding.

This image of God—angry, demanding, even bloodthirsty—often appears in sermons, songs and popular pieties today, although the focus is usually placed on Jesus’ willingness to bear the suffering. Many people are uneasy with this view of God, even if they do not know exactly why. This image of God is very different from the one expressed in the life and teachings of Jesus.

Jesus is not Plan B

There is an alternative interpretation of the life and death of Jesus, also expressed in the Scriptures and throughout the tradition. This view, perhaps only on the margins of many people’s religious understanding and devotion, is completely orthodox and is solidly rooted in the Christian tradition. Indeed, it offers perspectives much closer to Jesus’ own experience and vision.

What, briefly, is the heart of this alternative interpretation? It holds that the whole purpose of creation is for the Incarnation, God’s sharing of life and love in a unique and definitive way. God becoming human is not an afterthought, an event to make up for Original Sin and human sinfulness. Incarnation is God’s first thought, the original design for all creation. The purpose of Jesus’ life is the fulfillment of the whole creative process, of God’s eternal longing to become human. Theologians call this the “primacy of the Incarnation.”

For many of us who have lived a lifetime with the atonement view, it may be hard at first to hear this alternative, “incarnational” view. Yet it may offer some wonderful surprises for our relationship with God. God is not an angry or vindictive God, demanding the suffering and death of Jesus as payment for past sin. God is, instead, a gracious God, sharing divine life and love in creation and in the Incarnation. Such a view can dramatically change our image of God, our approach to suffering, our day-to-day prayer. This approach finds its strongest scriptural expression in John’s Gospel and in the letters to the Colossians and the Ephesians.

Throughout the centuries great Christian theologians have contributed to this positive perspective on God and Jesus. From the groundbreaking Cappadocian Fathers in the fourth century (St. Basil, St. Gregory of Nyssa, St. Gregory of Nazianzus) to Franciscan John Duns Scotus in the 13th century to Jesuit Karl Rahner in the 20th century, God’s gracious love and the primacy of the Incarnation have been proclaimed.

In the late 20th century, theologian Catherine LaCugna pulled together many of these themes in her book God For Us. She uses and expands the Cappadocians’ wonderful image of the Trinity as divine dance to include all persons. Borrowing themes of intimacy and communion from John’s Gospel and Ephesians, she affirms that humanity has been made a partner in the divine dance not through our own merit but through God’s election from all eternity. She writes: “The God who does not need nor care for the creature, or who is immune to our suffering, does not exist....The God who keeps a ledger of our sins and failings, the divine policeman, does not exist. These are all false gods....What we believe about God must match what is revealed of God in Scripture: God watches over the widow and the poor, God makes the rains fall on just and unjust alike, God welcomes the stranger and embraces the enemy.”

The emphasis on Jesus as God’s first thought can free us from the idea that God is violent. It allows us to focus on God’s overflowing love. This love is the very life of the Trinity and spills over into creation, Incarnation and the promise of fulfillment of all creation. What a difference this makes for our relationship with God! Life and love, not suffering and death, become the core of our spirituality and morality.

The abyss of suffering

But what about the “dark abyss” (Psalm 88) of suffering? The alternative approach with its emphasis on God’s overflowing love leads us beyond our natural question of “Why?” and suggests four elements of a response to suffering:

1. Acknowledge suffering. Being truthful means avoiding denial and admitting the pain and horror of the suffering, whatever the cause. We must never glorify suffering. Yes, it can lead us to deeper maturity and wisdom, but suffering can also crush the human spirit. Following the lead of the Psalmist (see Psalms 22, 44, 53, 77, 88, 109 and many others), we can express our pain in lament. The first step to grief and healing is to move from overwhelmed silence to the bold speech of lament. The psalms show us how to speak out against suffering and oppression, even to complain against God. Such crying out allows us both to grieve and to grow into a mature covenant partner with God.

2. Trust in God. Lament renews our relationship with God. Trusting in God, of course, is especially challenging in the dark times of suffering. Our usual response is initially just the opposite. We question how God could cause this suffering or at least allow it. We ask why. We may complain to God or even begin to doubt God’s existence. That is exactly why the lament psalms can be so helpful, matching our experience and emotions. The lament allows us to stay in conversation with God, gradually moving to a new trust.

Jesus, of course, is a marvelous example of trust in God. His deep, trusting relationship with Abba grounded his life and teaching. “Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father. And even the hairs of your head are all counted. So do not be afraid; you are of more value than many sparrows” (Mt 10:29-31).

3. Act. Trust in God both allows and inspires our response to suffering in our action. We acknowledge that at times our choices have caused personal and social suffering, so one form of action is moving toward repentance and a change of heart. We also suffer from sickness and many other personal challenges. In this suffering we need to reach out to others, to ask for help, to receive what they offer, to allow them to accompany us in “the dark abyss.” As we reach out to people, so too we move toward God, who may seem very distant. Lament, praise, gratitude—all of these are forms of worship.

Following the life and ministry of Jesus, we work as individuals and as communities to overcome and end suffering. Our actions include remaining with others in their suffering. We can also directly express our compassion by preparing meals, running errands, providing transportation and praying with those who suffer.

Awareness of the world’s suffering leads us to action concerning political and economic issues. The needs are so great and the issues so complex—what can one person do? We can search in solidarity with others for courageous ways to overcome suffering and its causes in our world. We cannot do everything, but we can at least do one thing. We can, for example, tutor in an inner-city school or organize parish groups that promote the consistent ethic of life.

4. Stand in awe. We know that it is a human reaction to ask “Why?”, to search for meaning and reasons for our suffering. Yet suffering remains a mystery, not a problem to be solved. We stand with Job at the end of his bold contest with God: “What can I answer you? I put my hand over my mouth” (40:4).

The emphasis on creation-for-Incarnation, culminating in the Resurrection, also gives us great hope. God does not desire suffering but works to overcome it. God did not demand Jesus’ suffering and does not want ours. Thus, we lament and act to overcome suffering, even as we acknowledge its incomprehensibility. We marvel at God’s remarkable respect of human freedom. We know that the suffering of injustice and terrorism results from peoples’ evil choices. Yet we also know that the suffering of incurable disease or natural disasters simply happens in a world that is not yet fulfilled.

Finally, however, suffering is not fully understandable. Rather than “why?” perhaps we should be asking, “How can I respond? What can we do now?” A profound trust in a compassionate God allows us to ask these questions and then to act, with surprising peace and hope.

Kenneth R. Overberg, S.J., is professor of theology at Xavier University, Cincinnati. He holds a Ph.D. in social ethics from the University of Southern California and is the author of numerous articles and books, including the award-winning Conscience in Conflict: How to Make Moral Choices (St. Anthony Messenger Press).

Source From : http://www.americancatholic.org/Newsletters/CU/ac0702.asp

19 May 08 - RCIA 1st social gathering

The whole of last night, I tried not to be emotional n to get a hold on myself.. before i trigger any depression..I really do not want to start on the pills again.. It was hard..really hard..when I was crying in a corner of my bed, my heart cried with me..it's really hard not to cry..I tried my best..I ended up with puffy eyes this morning.

Honestly, I was not really in the mood for social gathering today after the sleepless torture..But I know I have to go, somehow somewhat..And indeed, i received a lot of surprises today.

1) My daddy (Godfather) told me he has been reading my blog diligently since what happened..I don't know about you, but I really didn't expect him to read it often at all! Firstly, he's a busy man with a lot of activities in his mind - work, RCIA, and even his house moving plan. Though he seems to be taking everything in its stride, but I know he's the 'details guy'. I don't know if he saw my 'Oh my gosh' face in the backseat of his car, I was really blessed and surprise.. Secondly, once reading some of my diary you'll know they seem to be talking about the similiar thing, I'm sure it wont take me long to 'switch to another channel', only return to read once in a while..

hmm...does it mean I have to be careful of what i'm writting here? Gosh, for goodness' sake, this IS my personal space..and he is my daddy, who IS entitled to know about me. What are you thinking, J?
(p/s: daddy,if u think i'm turning religious freak/wrong in my views, do let me know ok? and if you want to know more about my thoughts, just have a chat :) You know I'm open to you on everything)

2) It's really a eye-opener when I saw how 'pro' was my daddy in billiard. During lunch break, some of them had a game in the billiard room. You should see how accurate he is! I still do not believe that he has not been playing for ages. Seriously, he's THAT good! (And, I'm not saying this on my blog cos I know he's reading this! Don't believe? You can challenge him one day.) I cannot imagine those days when he could be one of those guys in pub/clubs spending so much time 'practising'..I know he is very fun-loving, but THAT fun-loving??

3) I cant express for all who joined the gathering today. But I, for one, really surprised to find myself enjoying VERY MUCH. Not because of the great hand-made food, but because of the fun, laughter and joy which did not seem to fill us up, since it started.. Everyone, I mean, EVERYONE,not matter how reserved they are in our usual Wednesday sessions, the participation level is great! Yes, maybe because the sponsors are really 'high' but the inquiriers (or shall I say 'catechumens' now) also joined in the 'high' fun. It really didn't feel like a planned gathering at all! We are just a bunch of crazy friends, playing those youngsters' games, making fools of ourselves (esp during charades!!), and we simply enjoy every moment of it! I also get to know more names to put onto the familiar faces I see each week. It's like a reunion gathering, rather than 'first' gathering..

4) The surprise of the surprises: After the end of the event, I ended up being the only catechumen in the group again. Trust me, it can be really stressing when the core team started to discuss about the RCIA process and their plans..It's really an honour to be 'part of the team' though I'm not even baptised yet. But such honour comes with responsibility as well. They kinda get used to have me being 'the only catechumen' in the group..so used that they nominated me for the Christmas party planning!!! (At this point, even my good brothers-John and David 'ousted' me out from their group..what good brothers!)

I must say I'm honoured, GREATLY honoured! Because in this process, there are a lot of 'rising stars' who getting active and open to be bonded..And their experience are a lot richer than mine. Plus, I've just adapted to my new lifestyle.. this really came as an HONOUR! Though my daddy commented that I should see it coming when I asked him to be my Godfather, well, honestly I really not expecting such honour. Responsibility to be a sponsor - yes; but honour to organise such activity - no.

Mentally I know it's no problem for me to organise such functions..afterall, my dear J, you're in Human Resource and had plenty of such welfare&recreation projects before..Such Christmas party should be a piece of cake for u, esp it's only 80-100pax! OK, that's what rationale is telling me..But I still have my personal concerns ok? I know myself - I'm quite a perfectionist in my work, especially so in event planning (afterall i'm from hotel & tourism industry). What if I cannot deliver my expectations? What if I cannot cope with the stress i'll give myself? Afterall,planning for company events the HR committee is 'expert' and it's our part of our ricebowl, for goodness sake...See, even right now, my mind is going racing with all the ideas and contemplation...

***
OK people, help me out. If you know anywhere in Singapore is a good Christmas party place, for esti 100pax. I try not to entertain the conventional function room concepts, ok? Hope this year will be a innovative one, for all kids, young and matured. Haa.. Set the standard!

HELP, LEAVE A COMMENT!

18 May 08 - 風中的羽翼 Wings of Wind

Just as I'm thinking about life, thinking about B.. This song came and touches my heart.. I don't listen to Chinese songs, but this one is just so simple..it simply come and touches me so deeply...i cried..



********
風中的羽翼 (Wings of Wind)

黑夜過後太陽就要升起　暴風雨過後也就會天晴
讓我們一起手牽手向前　彩虹就在我們心底
人生路一定有風也有雨　用淚水灌溉生命的勇氣
用希望化作風中的羽翼　讓夢帶走心中的憂鬱
(Sun will still rise after night, sky will still clear after storm;
Let us move forward in unity, with rainbow in our hearts;
Life has its tests and trials, have courage to endure in tears;
May hope become wings of wind, may dreams carry our gloom away)

你陪伴我穿越過高山和大海
我的心有你才會澎湃
我願意放棄所有堅持和驕傲
相信你因為相信愛
(You accompany me over mountains and seas;
My heart races because of you;
I'm willing to give up all stubborness and pride;
Believe in you because of love)

人生路一定有風也有雨　用淚水灌溉生命的勇氣
用希望化作風中的羽翼　讓夢帶走心中的憂鬱
你陪伴我穿越過高山和大海
我的心有你才會澎湃
我願意放棄所有堅持和驕傲
相信你因為相信愛

你陪伴我穿越過高山和大海
我的心有你才會澎湃
我願意放棄所有堅持和驕傲
相信你因為相信愛

黑夜過後太陽就要升起
暴風雨過後也就會天晴
用希望化作風中的羽翼
讓夢帶走心中的憂鬱

相信愛因為相信你
(Believe in love because of you)

18 May 08 - Life is fragile

I wanted to share my revelation in church today, on this Trinity Sunday..But I've a stronger feeling to share what I've wanted to share this whole week...Life is fragile..

All of you do not know this - I have a really good 'sister' in Taiwan. We met in the company orientation camp, and we were close to each other, even though the camp was only 1week. Her name is Rose. She is a cheerful and strong girl.. In fact, he father had a sudden death just before she joined the company. She was very close to her father, and it really affected her alot..Yet, if she didn't share with me that night (she's also my roommate in the camp), I'd never had guessed it from her smile and laughter she's brought to the group. She is our 'Highness' because of her leadership and cheer to the group. (It was also 'timely' when we share such grief, cos that was the time when my dad had a sudden stroke while B and I were in a 'seperate and think twice' period.) I know I could never understand the grief of losing a parent permanently but I sure experienced the fear of losing one, and with no one to turn to. Her situation was worse, yet her smile and laughter filled our memories for this orientation. That is Rose, my dear sister..

Before I left for India, my good friend - Aries called to deliver a shocking bad news that Rose had died in April08. DEAD!? We were emailing each other some months ago, before she left the company. Had news that she's getting married and moving to US. How come that be possible? I really scolded Aries over the phone for such bad joke. It was till he emailed me the farewell speech for Rose' obituary, that the reality sinks in my mind. She is really dead..from a heart-attack. Such a young lady - 30 this year..gone so suddenly.. I cannot imagine how despair her mother is..a widow who has to lose her daughter now..within 2 yrs...I really don't know what to say when I think of her..

The disaster of China's earthquake made the headlines when I was in India. Honestly, watching those footages on CNN didn't impact me as much as Rose' death. But it certainly reinforced my 'enlightenment' that life is fragile..We as human beings, no matter how great, smart or successful we are, God's will is still above all. Who would expect that this is the day you'll lose your child forever by sending him to school? Who would expect this is your last day living?..I sympathise the magnitude of death toll in this earthquake, but what impact me is not the number but the pain of losing someone you know, let alone the love ones...suddenly and surely taken away from you..

Have you taken each day for granted? Taking assumption that the sun will rise again tomorrow, your life will still goes on, the people you know will still be around after tonight.. I know I have. Looking back at the natural disasters happening these days, together with the mutation of virus, I really feel so ashamed that I had been taking each sunrise as 'norm' and so blessed that I'm actually planned into this country, into this family. How big is this world, how many newborns each day - that I'm actually born here. Coincident? Sheer luck?? or pure genetic outcome??? then who created the genes and engineered the process of production? Whose great idea is it that sperm is to fertile and only 1 can make it through this process? .. Mother Nature? Then who created nature? Result of meteoriod collision? Then where does this meteoriod comes from? .. Honestly, I've given up asking such scientific questions now.. till someone can really answer all these questions with scientific evidents, without assumptions and hypothesis.. Even the great scientist of our time - Einstein said there is a greater being, after using all his life on science and logic. Has he gone bonkers? If so, why are we still keeping his brain as the smartest brain in the world?

Face it - life is indeed very fragile, and we are just beings on this world. Of course, i'm not saying we are 'puppets' but don't you agree there's Someone greater out there? Greater than us humans, greater than Universe itself. Maybe you'll join the others who say 'that's usual for those who went through bad tough times of their lives to say this'. True - I admit I learnt all these only after my 'trial' and experience. But are you so certain that you'll be able to stand unshaken, totally not affected, if you are the one going through trials? How can you be sure? Because you have always been independent? How independent? Are you able to turn water into wine with your words? Or command the sick to be healed? ... Very often, our independency can be quite deceiving. Wait till your 'independent' is put under test of fire, then you'll know the definition of independence..

Even our language and words are so limited to truly express how great this Being is. We can only say "He so loved the world"..'So loved the world'..do you really understand the 'so loved'? It's already so amazing how Holy Spirit can inspire the writer to record such greatness in such simple words..I guess He really must have 'no choice' cos if he tried to explain this greatness in its exact context, we will not be able to understand at all..What we know and what we have learnt are really so limited.. even too limited to explain how great God is..

That is also why we say Faith is a Mystery, a mystery because it is too simple and too great for our human minds to comprehend or imagine. The greatness of it cannot be grasped even as a abstract concept but only through experiencing it. How great is our God...

18 May 98 - someone please help me..

help me, i dreamt of B again..i have been in this dream before..with him..same 'plot'..but this time it's on different topic..It's a trip with his church friends, i still can remember all their faces in my dream..so vivid..I feel so 'outcast' while he has no problem interacting with them, even the 'newcomer'..I understamd his 'passion' to integrate and help newcomers to feel at home, but..does he realise I'm feeling uneasy?...I finally managed to talk to B, a real short one..about his church ministry and even invited him to visit Amplify one day (being awake now - i know it's crazy, but in the dream, i really hope he'll join me with my friends to praise and worship, and to share)

it's a long trip as there was last minute change on location..I ended up taking bus with his friends alone, as he took the other bus with another group of his friends..It's sad, but i know i'll see him in our destination.. I tried to interact with those on the same bus..Nothing much to really start a chat..I fell asleep on the bus.. the moment i woke up, no one is on the bus.. somehow I knew they're at the dinner place..I was hurt again..why didn't he call to wake me up..doesn't he know i'm not with the group..do i not matter to him? (I am really hurt, even now when i'm 'awake').. I want to spend time with him and his friends, but he seem to have a better time with them, without me.. it hurts...

The next moment i know, i'm crying from my dream, on my bed, waking up from the dream...the first feeling is hurtful..and then i have to blog it down.. my space to voice out, to cry out.. I miss B. I really do.. and I still love B. It's insane, stupid and silly I know. But I cant help it. I love B. As simple as that. I cannot deny this love still growing inside me.. though i know it's not helping in my recovery at all.. yet I do not understand why i cant let it go...why i cant sqeeze everything about him into a chest in my heart and lock it away (I did it with the previous and it works..once locked away, it's put in my heart and i get on with my life)..

can someone help me? i cannot 'kill' this love in me, and i do not want to dream of B again in those dreams i've been having....familiar place...they're not of anywhere I've been with B in real life, they are jus the same dream-backdrop and same settings.. it hurts, even though it's a 'happy' plot.. it just hurts...

Joseph was given the gift of interpreting dream...can anyone help me on my dreams?? ... i really dont want to wake up in tears, crying in my dream with real tears flowing on my face..the feeling is so real that it really hurts, in dream and even so when awake..help me, please..

17 May 08 - Where??

I enjoy watching movie which triggers reflections and thoughts..Or rather, I'm those 'thinker' type, maybe that's why I tend to think too much and too in details. I do wonder what are your views on me -having to write every things about myself, my thoughts on all-accessible web, am I not seeking for attention? Well, i really looking for a space to speak forth my views and thoughts, though freaking or spiritual I may be, but at least this is the space I can 'open' myself like a book..Life is actually very simple, why make it so complicated with such distrust and sceptism in this world? And if you are reading this and knowing me personally, you really must be honoured as I dare to share this link with you (fyi, I only share this link with those few close friends, ok?)Afterall I do not want to scare all my friends away...

Ok, back to the movie..I just watched 'Maid-Of-Honour'..It's really a funny show, simliar to 'My Best Friend's Wedding'. But what really gets me is not its humour or the dashing guys.. I would really enjoy if I have such 'buddy' who could understand and share my views.. I know I have 2 buddies in this lifetime - Zhongwei and Ziwei. I really appreciate them, being my support all these years; no matter how we seem to have 'lost contact', we'll always be sharing each other's lives. Really, I like to have a 'close friend' who can lead his own life and yet we share each other's lives. Of course, that's a very selfish thing to do - cos ultimately, he'll have his life-partner and he cant possibly spend so much time with 2 females at the same time. And trust me, I am not into the idea of falling for my buddy or having him fall for me. Once become my buddy, I'd rather we stay at buddy-level forever.. Maybe i do not trust those 'friends-into-couple' relationship, or maybe I really treasure buddies too much that I cant bear the thought of 'losing' them one day..

So, it's kinda my 'rule' that close friends stay as close friends, buddies stay as buddies..once we established that relationship. However, I just don't understand why my buddies and close friends are the best candidates for boyfriends, yet I always end up in heartbreaks.. (if you are looking for mature, reliable, fun-loving and sensitive boyfriend, I can recommend some for your consideration)

Now the question comes.. where is mine? Then again, I'm also tired of this relationship game, though i really hope to start my own family..Tired of considering a person for serious relationship, tired of 'trying' the relationship.. and even taking the risk of hurting again. Yes, you may say I love myself more than I love this partner.. But, though I still believe in Love, but this cycle is really tiring.. I really do not have the strength to pick myself up again..

Life is simple, why make it so complicated? The more I think, the simplier life is to me.. It IS really as simple as that.. or maybe I'm just that naive.

15 May 08 - My son is in pain..

I didn't go office today - my best and most capable partner 'ban' me from going back to office with the best reason that I wont be able to work after night flight. I still have to do my report on this trip and I know it's a challenge for them to resolve all those emails within the 24hrs... But anyway, she's right.. I really cant concentrate today, even after my short nap. (I'm not a person who can sleep in the day; Day-time is the best time to do my activities and when night falls, it's time to rest esp at my age now)

Thinking back on my trip, I'm really so happy yet surprise with myself. I simply felt so at home..Maybe cos of my experience in my ex-company which made me comfortable with 'industrial' environment..In case you are wondering - my previous company is a Taiwanese MNC in eletronics manufacturing. I had the opportunity to travel to Taiwan so frequently that my mum called me a 'Taiwanese'. I really enjoyed working and living in Taiwan, and I was with B then. Not because I have all those good and close friends in Taiwan, but because I enjoy being in different culture. Then again, working in that company is really 'no-life'. I lived in company hostel just a street accross office, and we only leave the industrial park on weekends. I practically lived in office all day with all the food, laundry, clinic, gym, massage parlour and even a StatBuck cafe and 7-Eleven store provided within office block. (Those are normal facilities for all companies in Industrial park; some even have indoor swimming pool for employees) It really opened my eyes when I first joined....I'd work with them for another 5 years, if not for my 'promotion'..

OK, back to my experience in India..Though it's also in India industrial park, and different nature of business, the scale of its structure is much smaller than my experience, maybe that's why it's easier for me to 'blend in' on this trip.. I really thank God for the opportunity with that Taiwanese company..I can still remember I had to rush from Swissotel Stamford Hotel to Harbourfront for my 2nd interview with them on our anniversary celebration.. I was so interested for the position, though my experience was not that rich. I really thank God for such a kind, supportive and open-minded boss - Vincent, and his expatriate team. Those good old days....

... Now that I've shared the 'happy' thoughts, it's sad thoughts' turn..The moment I entered my house this morning, my dog son - Hugo LIMPED joyfully to me. He's really limping in his walk and jumps! I knew at once something is WRONG, PAINFULLY WRONG! Though Hugo is attention-seeking, but he has never been like this before! You can really see the pain in his eye, together with his joy of seeing me. Mum told me it just happened suddenly last night with no particular reason or special activity involved. How my heart aches! He's like a son to me, so attached to me (or rather, I'm attached to him)!

He's hurting so badly that he didn't even respond to his favourite food and snacks. He just follows me around all day and wanting me to carry him in my arms.. (Yes-he's so pampered and so smart!) Even right now, while I'm writing this entry, he is sleeping besides me on my bed, resting his head on my lap, like a baby seeking comfort from mother....This is the first time he's SO LONGING for comfort; nothing else matters except comfort from his pain.. Trust me, my heart really aches.. how I want to help to relieve his pain, yet all I can do is to pat him to sleep, trying to make him as comfortable as possible...

The first thing to do tomorrow morning is to bring him to vet, that's for sure.. Even if it gonna cost me quite a sum, but as long as Hugo is healthy and happy again.. Please pray for him, thanks!

15 May 08 - I miss B..

I don't know what you people will think of me...
I was looking forward to return to home, after a long last day in India (My boss came ad joined me).. I don't know why.. I cant sleep in this journey too..too stress?too many thoughts?? Well, I ended up watching the movie for 2nd time..It's a late-night flight, and everyone is asleep..except me and the crew..(in fact, I've just reached home)

Everything was fine until..the captain annouced the landing procedure. .. .. His voice is so much like B..and B likes flying as a pilot.. Then I realise how much I miss B..I don't know if he misses me, but I know i do. I know I can and have to 'get on with my life' or even wait for a 'new' person, but somehow I know I cant and I wont be able, even I hope to. I love B. so much that you might say I'm silly to love someone this much.. but that's me and it's been done. No matter how happy I am or blessed I feel now, I still want to share my joy with B. I know he might not love me anymore, let alone think of me.. but he'll always be in my mind and heart. Besides my family, he's my family despite what happened..

Very often I do check on myself - am I in depression, denial or .. Do I have such faith that God will make a way when it seems no way? I'm not in depression now, cos I know what's depression is like.. and I've passed that stage..Am I going sane or insane? Why do I still feel so strongly for B when nothing is suggesting any possibility? Stubborn? Denial?? I know I can find another person now, time is precious at my age.. but why the love is still that strong and it's still growing?? Have I really let him go as my words? Or am I waiting for some super supernatural miracle?? If so, i'd be so silly to exchange someone physical for such extract 'hope' at the cost of my whole life! Am I that madly in love?

Even if B miss me, will he love me? Even if he still loves me, will he know how I feel? Yes, he might read this blog to 'follow-up' on me.. but all these words are just words..He might even think I'm being such a novelist in my entries, or worse - creating such self-pity to 'win' him back.. I admit that's what most people will do - win the lost love back, I also did that in the past.. but now, when everything is telling me impossibility and my rationale tells me to treasure my 'youth', why is it that the love for B is still growing? It's definitely not helping me at all!! I do want to start my family, have my kids...me and my house we'll serve the Lord. But with such 'love for B' still in me, it's really not helping me at all!!

B, I miss you..please dont try to 'rationale' it in your mind. It's just as simple as I miss you. If you can accept this simple meaning, I'll be very grateful.

Just now, as I stepped out from Arrival gate, ... i miss you too. Not because of the memories we shared, but purely because i miss you. ... The last time I stepped out, I was hoping to see you, but I was disappointed...and you appeared at my house. I know this will not happen this time. I'm not expecting such 'miracle'. Just a simple pure 'miss you'

Really hope you are happy now..God will show you His way and guide you in His path. Don't worry, I have not been praying for us to reconcile as this is not what you want me to pray. I can only pray that you are happy and well in everything you do. As for future, I've learnt everything has been planned for a reason, in God's timing. No matter how hard we try to escape from God's calling, He'll make a way back to our calling. Not that we cannot decide for out lives, or God is autocratic, but life is indeed so much bigger than what we can imagine...and God is in control of everything details..

13 May 08 - I fix my eyes on You

I wanted to share about my work, about what i see in India, my colleagues etc.. until I switched on the TV. I left it on God TV channel when I left. It's the SAME pastor, same screen and basically the same verse as my 'welcome' sound again. What a coincident, right? Wait wait, things get better..I put this coincident off my mind..and do my packing (i always pack each day as I do not like to pack everything on last day.) The next program is even better! You know, everyone I met challenges me on the Biblical principle on Tithing. And trust me, it's really NOT easy to explain to them about the principle of tithing, sowing and reaping etc. I do agree there are people who might not be able to provide God's portion of the 10%. But remember, the woman with 2 pennies? She is widow and the Bible says she is poor. Did she sow in exchange of God to bless her? I suppose so. When one is really desperate and there's nothing seem to work in life, trust me God seems to be the only option, whether you like it or not. I suppose she must be 'desperate' for some breakthrough, one way or another. She might or might not praying for monetary returns, but the 2 pennies were all she had! What a choice to make - taking such risk to put all she had for God. What great is her faith in God! Is she mentally sane? Exchanging something of physical substance for abstract expectation.. what if her faith is not the great enough for God to act, what if God is not watching?? Yet, she gave out of her need. The act of her giving simply tells me she simply turned to God to act on her life, let it be money, new love or even support for her family. She is really desperate for something in her life and God is the only Person who can help her. It's either that faith, that desperation, or the love the she has for God, so much the she's willing to take this risk of trusting God. OK, that should be the attitude of giving.

But what about tithing? Is love-offering not enough for God? My friends, who is God to you? Do you really believe with ALL your heart that God is Almighty? He has all the gold and treasures of this world (can you imagine how rich He is?)! He CREATES them, for goodness' sake! OK, if you understand how great is God. Then why do we need to give the 10%? Really, it's not the amount that He's interested in. It's your OBEDIENCE that he's looking at. He enjoys pouring His blessings onto you, but what are you doing with this blessings? For your own self? or are you willing to give the portion to bless others (no matter how in need you are)? Yes, giving 1% or 5% can also bless people. But why 10%? I say again, it's not the numerals He's looking at. It's your ATTITUDE OF OBEDIENCE. Is He not your God of All? Does He not know your situation? Get real! He PLANNED your path of life, knew you before you know God. Yet, since the Fall of our first parents, we have been taking God for granted. 10% is an 'stated amount' yet it's not the amount that He's looking at. Understand? ... ok, I shall not preach here on my blog.. I'm not a pastor.. If you really want to know the difference, do approach your pastor and pray for God to speak to you. ..

I'm SO SO BLESSED here in India! I really don't understand what's happening.. but I 'automatically' missed this channel on yesterday, yet 'automatically' found this channel and have been so blessed ever since...I didn't even recognise Joyce Meyer until her name is shown. I just keep drinking from the teaching of the Word, I didn't even take note of who is the speaker. Yes, i understand the caution required to guard God's doctrine. But when you start to drink from God, you'll have the joy of drinking the 'right' stuff.

I hope you'll be blessed too - www.god.tv
We are one Body in Christ. Let's come together in partnership and cooperation to work for God's kingdom!

13 May 08 - What a BLESSED start..

13May
You cannot believe how I started this morning! Or rather, it started last night..

You wont believe how clean is my room! They really take ALL effort to clean 1 room! Vacuum so spark and clean and I’m totally speechless! So thoughtful in their little ways of turning down room service too! Every little thing which I’ve put out of place, they simply put it back or replace it! NO slacking! I can practically live her for long! But, it’s not all perfect. Despite of 100% great and friendly service, this hotel has frequent blackouts! It’s ok when it happens in the early evening or day. It’s not that scary…

Last night, after my bath, in my efforts to relax after a long day, blackout happened again! This time is SO DARK as my curtains are totally drawn, blocking out all possible light. For a moment, I froze with fear. I was really scared, ok! It’s so dark that I cannot see my hand (if I dare to stretch out). I practically fixed in my position. All I can think is trust in God. I mean, if there is any ‘supernatural beings’ with me in this darkness, God is greater than all, right? It’s hard to trust, really.. but I tried my best. He’s my only option for reaction to this darkness. Whether I have such faith for Him to show any miracle, it’s not any issue anymore. I just have to take the ‘risk’ to trust Him.

Well, after 3mins or so, the lights came back. I was SO SO relieved. Trust me, it's one thing to have faith in His Word, it’s really another thing to really act on it. I’m so happy to be out of darkness, that I quickly scampered into my blanket. No more standing around, in case it blackout again. I was that intimidated!

Surprisingly I fell asleep quite easily after reading my Bible. It’s not easy to visualize or understand how big is God’s temple as He measured for Ezekiel to see, but I just enjoyed reading it. Then, I had this totally weird dream (being rationale, I think it’s the fear+trust in God that leads to this dream). There IS a spirit in my room – an middle-aged male, doing all sorts of things to get my attention. Yet, I only remember to keep telling myself ‘Trust in God’ throughout this dream. I even managed to communicate and even helped this spirit, before I woke up peacefully. I do not even feel tired, after all the mind exercise on dream activity.

Then, automatically, I switch on the TV. Then automatically, I saw the channel ‘GOD’. (How can I miss this channel when I was searching for time yesterday morning?) The next thing I hear is “Let us look at Psa 34:8 – Taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the man who trusts in Him!” I know it’s kinda freaky. But many a times, God communicates to our heart. Yes, He give visions and dreams but it’s not very often such great privilege is given. And when I heard this verse as my first sound today, I AM SO BLESSED in my heart! I can almost feel the leap of joy and comfort in my heart. I know it sounds spiritual again, but it’s true. I am so blessed. Immediately, my joy is so filled for the day (again).

I really think my hotel staff are beginning to think I’m strange. Every morning, I greet everyone, really EVERYONE, with such joy and smile. I don't know if they really think I’m crazy for being so happy to be on business trip. I cant help myself too. No matter how tired I am, the smile just came on my face and I just greet everyone I meet. And trust me, I am very tired. Yet, I feel so at home in this foreign place, even more comfortable than I was in Taiwan.

..In fact, I’m so comfortable here that I’ve done so many reflections..life in Singapore and other places, our beliefs and the love of God.. etc.. But I will not share it here otherwise you’ll complain I’m freaking spiritual.. May my life reflect my revelations and manifest what I’m created to do..

My Indian colleagues say they'll miss me.. which I don't understand.. I'm really having a slacking time here and I'm feeling bad.. But I thank God that i didn't even need to try to 'blend in' with them..

12 May 08 - 1st day in India

The first thing I woke up is 'Gosh,what's time now' My watch is not adjusted to reflect the 2.5hr difference, and my mind simply refuses to do the mental calculation. Being resourceful, I searched for local news TV channel..and hopefully it's in English.. Didn't take too long, cos I skipped most of the channels in the 8pages list. 7.15am India time..

I took my time to arrange company transport, to wash up and strolled to my breakfast. I tell you, I really had a BIG Indian breakfast! I simply took a scoop of all on the table, except meat. Indian rice-cake, Indian vegetable congee, hashbrowns, omelette, toasts and Indian rice etc.. The waiters must think I'm really starving.. I didn't want to try the congee as it looked plain, too watery and not-appealing.. But to my surprise, the lemongrass really made the congee so refreshing and pure delicious! What a wonder.. I must cook this for my colleagues next week. It's even more surprising that I finished EVERY BIT of the food and enjoyed EVERY BIT of it! Tomorrow I'll try more Indian breakfast from their 'fresh-from-kitchen' menu..

My transport was late..or rather some miscommunication- it simply didn't turn up. I had to make another booking and wait for another hour. Though I should be anxious cos I have a meeting to attend, but I simply felt so relaxed! "What is time when I'm 'away' from work?" I just feel like a leisure traveller..exploring the hotel..My room attendant complimented me on my dressing..Well, first impression counts, right, so i try to be leisurely professional as I can.. especially under the hot sun..Really taking it very easy.. Now it's 10am and i'm sitting by the pool , writing this entry.. what a life.. so what i'm 'late' for work..I really had a language breakdown with my driver.. what can i do??

Oh, by the way, I shopped alone in the mall just now. Bought some indian accessories :P really it's not that bad shopping alone in India.

11 May 08 - 1st night in India

I survived the Night of Surprises last night. The flight journey started well (afterall it's SQ..) watched my long-wanted movie "The Bucket List". I don't know if it has this effect on you too. It simply touched my heart..the love which Morgan Freeman has for his wife, though he felt 'nothing much' for her after all these years.. The Fear of God and commitment to His Word.. He really loves his family, willingly to sacrifice his dreams for them, in exchange for their dreams to be fulfilled..How great is his fatherly love..I cried..yes, I cried..Maybe I should start a bucket list too..afterall there're so many things we wanted to do, which we pushed it till tomorrow..Personally, death is not about leaving a legacy but how many hearts have you touched this life.. You cannot might not be able to change their lives, but you can touch their hearts.. Everyone can do that, just a matter of 'will you?'...After the show, my misery kicked in..I'm SO uncomfortable - my neck ached and my back stiffen. I cant even sit properly to rest..I tried to sleep, but my back just so painful.. This is the worst flight experience, never have I had this before!

The airport service was terrible as I had to wait 45mins at the luggage belt for my luggage! Though it was fun watching the unclaimed bags jamming together at the bend, but I WAS really very tired! (It's already past 11pm in Singapore!) I nearly missed my airport transfer if not for the driver who chased after me. It was really noisy and messy at the arrival hall, ok. Better still, the carpark was so JAMMED with cars (moving + stationary), huge packages, luggages and people! Imagine traffic stand still at international airport carpark! It was really interesting - a different culture. Though I'm freaking tired + frustrated (cos my journey was SO uncomfortable), it's kinda fun to watch the commotion. When we finally drove into the main road, all I see is dark streets + closed shops. If you have been to the alleys of Little Indian at late nights, you'll understand what I mean.. Totally deserted..

We took a few turns before we got to the Hotel. For a moment, I was wondering 'where is this driver taking me to..' The hotel is SO different from the outside. Into an alley, past the gates, it's a total different environment. Talk about hidden modernity~ A true modern hotel tucked behind the dark old alley. I was SO SO tired when I saw my bed..So tired that I even comtemplated not to have my usual 'before sleep' bath. I was REALLY THAT TIRED! The room is clean and cosy, or rather I'm too tired to bother for any dirt, yet I cannot sleep! I don't know if it's jet-lag thingy but I simply cannot sleep! ...set up my laptop, played worship songs and took my sleeping pills (it's a wonder why I last-minute dumped the pills into my bag, just before I left, now I know...)

10 May 08 - It's not that bad...

I had a tough morning with my class - they just finished their exams and simply do not want to learn today. I can understand that attitude, but what I cant stand is their personal war against the only girl in class - Yanling. 4 of them are fast-learners, and my rapport with them is really great (so good that they even talk to me on their personal life - school and family) I'm really very blessed to have this class, really. But precisely they are smart, they have this 'internal' war of gender. Remember when we were young, the girls didn't like guys and vice versa? Well, it's the same with this class. The guys were making a din, trying to 'get rid' of Yanling. I really had a hard time getting their attention today. In the end, I gave up. I took away all my materials, and simply sat down there - talking to them like a 'grandmother'.. trying to reason with them on their behavious and attitude. I don't know if they really understand what I'm trying to say - about attitude and respect. But they seem to understand and voiced out their 'complaints'.. Suddenly I felt I was the 'psychologist' for kids, trying to put life's values into simple terms for them to understand.. It's just my personal belief that teaching is not just about academic, but also how they should prepare for life's challenges - not to be prideful / discriminating etc.. I was so tired at the end of my 2 lessons..

Once I stepped out of the class, I started to get anxious - so many things not done and I'm leaving tomorrow evening. Not a thing I've packed and I'm still trying to stablise myself to face this 'test of independence'. I wanted to attend Novena (part of my Saturday routine) but I know I cannot go so far from my house today, not today.. I ended up at home, just when my panic attack came. I really don't know what happened. I'm really trying to make life as simple as possible for me now - following my routine and simply no concern for time - taking my time as easy as I can. (I was VERY time consicious in the past.) I keep telling myself: 'what the worst can happen? Even if I'd to die on the road suddenly, I know God is with me. Nothing else is so important anymore, right?'.. But the attack still came.. Since I cannot fight it off, I decided to sleep..And it's so difficult to sleep! Kept having dreams and waking up in cold sweat..Subconsiciously, I told myself to relax and take a rest as much as I can, and my nap occupied 4hrs. I'm glad that my dogs are surprising quiet during my nap, resting themselves close to my sleeping position, as if they're guarding me. It's really not a relaxing nap for me.

The moment I woke up, logic and rationale came back to me. I had to find food, start my pre-packing, exchange money, and checking in for my flight etc.. It's reality that I have to face. A lot of things in mind, but I remember my counsellor's advice:One step at a time. So, I did some mental listing and mapping on where and what to do, planning my route to interchange as simple as possible. (I'm also under pressure of not-to-shop around, hence I really had to plan my route well) I simply forced myself to step out to do all these by myself.. really..

It was a tough struggle as I waited for bus and starting off this route. I even had a hard time, deciding what to eat. Simple scenario, yet tough decision. I kept telling myself to stay focused throughout this simple trip. that is how panic I am, ok? Well, to cut the story short.. I managed to complete my trip and being rationale on my spending. Towards the end of my trip, I getting proud of myself. Really. I started to realise it's not that hard to be alone afterall, just keep my life simple. To my surprise, I'm getting to enjoy my 'independence'. "What if I'm going to be single all my life, at least this is a preview for me"..Then I remember B..Maybe this is how he lived his life, being the only child in single-parent family.. Independence..This is his 'usual lifestyle' since he's young, yet I've to struggle to adapt. Life is just so strange..

By the time I reached home, I really enjoyed me being alone. I imagine myself in a foreign country, living by myself..It's not fun ok. Have to clean the house (esp with 2 dogs messing around), clear the rubbish, wash the dishes, clear laundry, find personal time to relax, spend time playing with dogs.. Now I understand how my mum feels - quite a lot to do in one day and that's her 'usual routine' after work. How amazing..

I find myself in this 'big' project for the next 4mths - to make my house as cosy as possible. No more messing, misplacing things. Clear up as I go. No more leaving it for tomorrow... After this project, I'd know if I can really live independently.. But one thing I know for sure- I'll still need pets in my house + a part-time maid. I really don't like to do the laundry + getting a maid can prevent me from being a hermit. The rest of the chores I'll manage myself. ..getting mentally prepared for single life.. (honestly, I'm really happy that I survive past hours and proud of myself for it.)

OK, now that I'm feeling better. I better go and bath and start my packing.. where's my passport...