15 May 08 - I miss B..

I don't know what you people will think of me...
I was looking forward to return to home, after a long last day in India (My boss came ad joined me).. I don't know why.. I cant sleep in this journey too..too stress?too many thoughts?? Well, I ended up watching the movie for 2nd time..It's a late-night flight, and everyone is asleep..except me and the crew..(in fact, I've just reached home)

Everything was fine until..the captain annouced the landing procedure. .. .. His voice is so much like B..and B likes flying as a pilot.. Then I realise how much I miss B..I don't know if he misses me, but I know i do. I know I can and have to 'get on with my life' or even wait for a 'new' person, but somehow I know I cant and I wont be able, even I hope to. I love B. so much that you might say I'm silly to love someone this much.. but that's me and it's been done. No matter how happy I am or blessed I feel now, I still want to share my joy with B. I know he might not love me anymore, let alone think of me.. but he'll always be in my mind and heart. Besides my family, he's my family despite what happened..

Very often I do check on myself - am I in depression, denial or .. Do I have such faith that God will make a way when it seems no way? I'm not in depression now, cos I know what's depression is like.. and I've passed that stage..Am I going sane or insane? Why do I still feel so strongly for B when nothing is suggesting any possibility? Stubborn? Denial?? I know I can find another person now, time is precious at my age.. but why the love is still that strong and it's still growing?? Have I really let him go as my words? Or am I waiting for some super supernatural miracle?? If so, i'd be so silly to exchange someone physical for such extract 'hope' at the cost of my whole life! Am I that madly in love?

Even if B miss me, will he love me? Even if he still loves me, will he know how I feel? Yes, he might read this blog to 'follow-up' on me.. but all these words are just words..He might even think I'm being such a novelist in my entries, or worse - creating such self-pity to 'win' him back.. I admit that's what most people will do - win the lost love back, I also did that in the past.. but now, when everything is telling me impossibility and my rationale tells me to treasure my 'youth', why is it that the love for B is still growing? It's definitely not helping me at all!! I do want to start my family, have my kids...me and my house we'll serve the Lord. But with such 'love for B' still in me, it's really not helping me at all!!

B, I miss you..please dont try to 'rationale' it in your mind. It's just as simple as I miss you. If you can accept this simple meaning, I'll be very grateful.

Just now, as I stepped out from Arrival gate, ... i miss you too. Not because of the memories we shared, but purely because i miss you. ... The last time I stepped out, I was hoping to see you, but I was disappointed...and you appeared at my house. I know this will not happen this time. I'm not expecting such 'miracle'. Just a simple pure 'miss you'

Really hope you are happy now..God will show you His way and guide you in His path. Don't worry, I have not been praying for us to reconcile as this is not what you want me to pray. I can only pray that you are happy and well in everything you do. As for future, I've learnt everything has been planned for a reason, in God's timing. No matter how hard we try to escape from God's calling, He'll make a way back to our calling. Not that we cannot decide for out lives, or God is autocratic, but life is indeed so much bigger than what we can imagine...and God is in control of everything details..