"Glory to God in the Highest!"
I'm still in joyful awe of what God has just done.. He is just so amazing in His ways to assure me that He is with me. God is indeed on my side.
I met another group of colleagues for dinner...They were late and I was waiting in fear for them..I just cannot stand alone for long..I'm so glad when I finally met them..One of those ladies' chat over dinner..No matter how hard I try to concentrate on the topic,I'm fighting a battle inside me..But overall,we enjoyed ourselves..so far so good..
Miracle happened when I'm heading home..One of my colleague - Lindy took the same route with me so we chatted in the MRT train...God surprised me when the person standing next to me-Celese,began to share her experience with me!! We have similiar experience,encouraging each other in God..(She is also a Christian)..My heart just so blessed cos I know it has to be God..
You know,it's a wonder how God works! How many of us can open and share our life experience during the short MRT ride? I entered the train with questions but alighted with such joy cos God touched me in such miraculous way. God really answers my prayers and doing wonders for me..lifting me up each time. Indeed He is God of all,Creator of Heaven and Earth and He is ALIVE! If God is for me,who can be against me?
1 John 4:4
"You, dear children, are from God and have overcome them, because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world"
I don't know why I'm so blessed..but I'm just so so blessed..God has never left me alone.He keeps sending people,giving me signal grace to bless my heart.. I'm in awe of what a wonderful real Abba Father he is! I thank Holy Mary Blessed Virgin for her prayers too..There's power in prayers and especially in the Rosary! Miracles DO happen!
Thursday, January 31, 2008
31 Jan 08 - Open palms
As I was praying just now,"open palm" came to my mind..Delia shared with me before..
We should receive our blessings with open palms,and with open palms also allow God to take away what He has given..Only with open palms that we'll be able to receive blessings from God..
I really look onto Blessed Virgin as an example..She is so faithful and always look unto God in all things..I know I'm not that noble,but I pray I will try to be like her..
Let God be my Advocate and Guide as I learn to live each day,day by day....
We should receive our blessings with open palms,and with open palms also allow God to take away what He has given..Only with open palms that we'll be able to receive blessings from God..
I really look onto Blessed Virgin as an example..She is so faithful and always look unto God in all things..I know I'm not that noble,but I pray I will try to be like her..
Let God be my Advocate and Guide as I learn to live each day,day by day....
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
30 Jan 08 - I amazed myself
Somehow I know God heard my prayers..I felt such peace and confidence when I went out from my room this morning..
I'm amazed by myself today..I actually able to go out alone,to meet my colleagues for lunch,with such peace in me. Of course,I do face some 'reminders' and 'missing' but I try to shield myself with prayer and look unto Jesus who is my Advocate... Anyway,there's nothing I can do to change the situation now..To you,it seems 'it's normal to go out alone' but this is really a big step for me.. You know, for past days, I won't dare to go out,unless I've someone accompanying or I'll just ask my dad to bring me to the destination,even to church.. My colleagues told me I look better now,and I know it's all God's work..Though it's been less than a week since I saw them, but the past days were really the longest days in my life.. I could not have gone through those days without God..I just hug them and thank them so much for their prayers..Their lunch invitation came in at just so right timing to bless me..
After lunch,I went back to Adoration room again (yes-again, I felt I had to). It's either my medication or God..I feel so calm about myself,the peace within me..Something tells me if B is for me,He'll make a way,despite whatever happened..just like my new position (fyi,I cried during my interview yet I got the offer)...God has planned it all and I just have to trust Him... Then it's either my medication is making me forgetful or God is helping me..all his hurtful words I don't remember anymore..I just know I've to move on and leave everything to God..If he's for me,God will make a way.. Just enjoy the friendship as now...
I know somehow i cannot bring myself to another relationship anymore..I'm too tired to 'try' to go through another...I've loved B with all my heart...
But look on the bright side - I'm beginning to move out of my situation now,learning to face and accept singlehood. Even my therapist is pleased with my progress - it can only be of God's works.
Thanks to be to God!
I'm amazed by myself today..I actually able to go out alone,to meet my colleagues for lunch,with such peace in me. Of course,I do face some 'reminders' and 'missing' but I try to shield myself with prayer and look unto Jesus who is my Advocate... Anyway,there's nothing I can do to change the situation now..To you,it seems 'it's normal to go out alone' but this is really a big step for me.. You know, for past days, I won't dare to go out,unless I've someone accompanying or I'll just ask my dad to bring me to the destination,even to church.. My colleagues told me I look better now,and I know it's all God's work..Though it's been less than a week since I saw them, but the past days were really the longest days in my life.. I could not have gone through those days without God..I just hug them and thank them so much for their prayers..Their lunch invitation came in at just so right timing to bless me..
After lunch,I went back to Adoration room again (yes-again, I felt I had to). It's either my medication or God..I feel so calm about myself,the peace within me..Something tells me if B is for me,He'll make a way,despite whatever happened..just like my new position (fyi,I cried during my interview yet I got the offer)...God has planned it all and I just have to trust Him... Then it's either my medication is making me forgetful or God is helping me..all his hurtful words I don't remember anymore..I just know I've to move on and leave everything to God..If he's for me,God will make a way.. Just enjoy the friendship as now...
I know somehow i cannot bring myself to another relationship anymore..I'm too tired to 'try' to go through another...I've loved B with all my heart...
But look on the bright side - I'm beginning to move out of my situation now,learning to face and accept singlehood. Even my therapist is pleased with my progress - it can only be of God's works.
Thanks to be to God!
30 Jan 08 - Immaculate Heart of Mary
Last night,Delia and I talked about Mary and the words just keep ringing in my heart.. Indeed it really take a woman of pure great faith in God to submit herself into God's will.."Let it be done unto me according to Your word"-what a simple sentence.. I realised I really respect Holy Mother even more now.. She is indeed of immaculate heart..
I'm not saying I will worship her..but I really respect her..How many of us can be like her..It's really not easy at all,especially during her time..The amount of faith and courage is really beyond my imagination..
I'm not trying to preach,but you guys see me through the past week..I know I could not have done it without prayers..I know the path ahead is still hard,but I will try to focus on God who create miracles...Let Him be my Guide,my Peace and my Judge..
Psalm 128:1
"Blessed are all who fear the LORD, who walk in his ways"
I'm not saying I will worship her..but I really respect her..How many of us can be like her..It's really not easy at all,especially during her time..The amount of faith and courage is really beyond my imagination..
I'm not trying to preach,but you guys see me through the past week..I know I could not have done it without prayers..I know the path ahead is still hard,but I will try to focus on God who create miracles...Let Him be my Guide,my Peace and my Judge..
Psalm 128:1
"Blessed are all who fear the LORD, who walk in his ways"
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
29 Jan 08 - Stepping out
I decided to step out today..step out from my condition,out of my house..Just at that moment,Wendy invited me for lunch..and other invitations just kept coming in..I don't know if it's God's plan or coincidental..anyway I don't believe in coincidents..
Anyway,I decided to meet my mum instead..it's hard,cos the thoughts still attack now and then in my mind,yet I cannot tell my mum..My medication is always making me drowsy in the afternoon,so it's really a struggle to fight the voices when I'm physically sleepy..In desperation,I held onto my Rosary and started reciting..It helps!! Not immediate,but the peace gradually came..and I'm able to walk normally in the public..
Had a blessed dinner with Delia just now.She is ever so understanding in my cross-over..She shared a lot on the differences between Male and Female problem solving attitude..Very often,we know there's difference,but few of us really take care of this difference in order to bridge communication to work things out together,especially when men who prefer to cave themselves in. Maybe that's what happened to B and me..
After Sunset mass,I sms B hoping that he still regards me as friend,even after reading my blog..I really don't know his definition of 'not 100% accurate', but I sure like to hear his version one day,if he is willing to open up..
Btw,I'm thinking of taking driving lessons..should I?I browsed the advance theory book today,it's intimidating..so many things to remember..Or shall I take singing/spanish lesson??
Anyway,I decided to meet my mum instead..it's hard,cos the thoughts still attack now and then in my mind,yet I cannot tell my mum..My medication is always making me drowsy in the afternoon,so it's really a struggle to fight the voices when I'm physically sleepy..In desperation,I held onto my Rosary and started reciting..It helps!! Not immediate,but the peace gradually came..and I'm able to walk normally in the public..
Had a blessed dinner with Delia just now.She is ever so understanding in my cross-over..She shared a lot on the differences between Male and Female problem solving attitude..Very often,we know there's difference,but few of us really take care of this difference in order to bridge communication to work things out together,especially when men who prefer to cave themselves in. Maybe that's what happened to B and me..
After Sunset mass,I sms B hoping that he still regards me as friend,even after reading my blog..I really don't know his definition of 'not 100% accurate', but I sure like to hear his version one day,if he is willing to open up..
Btw,I'm thinking of taking driving lessons..should I?I browsed the advance theory book today,it's intimidating..so many things to remember..Or shall I take singing/spanish lesson??
29 Jan 08 - B read my blog
This morning,my heart still aches so much even when my eyes are still closed..I refused to open my eyes..I pray to God to remove this pain,calling onto Holy Mother to pray for me...I just don't want to start my day in this hurt...
As I was praying on my bed,B sms me..He read my blog..He's happy for me for the family car,for the interesting blog though it's not 100% accurate in his perspective.Everything happens for a reason.. Well,I'd like to hear from his perspective one day..Let God be our Guide and hope we can rediscover each other..everything happens for a reason..I dont know what's the reason or the outcome,but i know right now,we are able to rediscover each other as friends..I just want to treasure this new friendship and trust in God to guide us..
I know it's easy to say..but I will learn to look unto God..Especially if my calling is to be single,the more I should depend on God..I will always love B..God knows how much I've loved..He'll be my Judge..
As I was praying on my bed,B sms me..He read my blog..He's happy for me for the family car,for the interesting blog though it's not 100% accurate in his perspective.Everything happens for a reason.. Well,I'd like to hear from his perspective one day..Let God be our Guide and hope we can rediscover each other..everything happens for a reason..I dont know what's the reason or the outcome,but i know right now,we are able to rediscover each other as friends..I just want to treasure this new friendship and trust in God to guide us..
I know it's easy to say..but I will learn to look unto God..Especially if my calling is to be single,the more I should depend on God..I will always love B..God knows how much I've loved..He'll be my Judge..
Monday, January 28, 2008
28 Jan 08 - Last Risk Taken
After my cry and nap,I know I cannot be like this..I'll go crazy..God helps those who help themselves,especially after how He saw me through past days..I know I have to help myself..somehow..
I asked my mum how did I get over the previous time,though I didn't put in much effort and love unlike this relationship..My mum told me I recovered quickly..partly cos I got to know B..Everyone was concerned cos he is 4yrs younger than me,but somehow we managed to go through all the trials..but,this time..well my mum says bad thing happen to good people,maybe it's not the right time yet..
I don't know about right timing..I know if I tell u guys that I've enough and wont take any relationship anymore,you will say "J,u never know what God has planned.."..But trust me,I've closed this door long ago,even B knows I'm taking my very last hope in love with him..thought it was finally right when he gave me his word to commit but in the end..Love hurts..I still love B,wish him to be happy as I've always wanted him to be...I will always love him,no matter what happens..
Maybe this is just my cross..I have to carry this cross alone and proceed on this path..Not that I'll be a nun,I'm just tired of this relationship thing..4yrs ago,Guoqiang was very stern and warned me that I've to bear my consequences for taking this last risk..now I know what he meant..
I don't know how am I going to get through these,afterall I really gave my whole heart and soul into loving B,always trying to make things work no matter how hard it is..I dare say I've lived out my word-my bond to love him with all my heart,being very truthful and true to him in all things..even though some friends discouraged me from being so truthful in relationship..But I really want to be honest in love,in every aspects - my past,present and even future..
"Hebrews 4:13
Nothing in all creation is hidden from God's sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give account."
I'll try to get over and move into singlehood..Just hope you guys will still keep me in prayers..call me,sms me..anything just contact me,afterall I'm also alone..
I asked my mum how did I get over the previous time,though I didn't put in much effort and love unlike this relationship..My mum told me I recovered quickly..partly cos I got to know B..Everyone was concerned cos he is 4yrs younger than me,but somehow we managed to go through all the trials..but,this time..well my mum says bad thing happen to good people,maybe it's not the right time yet..
I don't know about right timing..I know if I tell u guys that I've enough and wont take any relationship anymore,you will say "J,u never know what God has planned.."..But trust me,I've closed this door long ago,even B knows I'm taking my very last hope in love with him..thought it was finally right when he gave me his word to commit but in the end..Love hurts..I still love B,wish him to be happy as I've always wanted him to be...I will always love him,no matter what happens..
Maybe this is just my cross..I have to carry this cross alone and proceed on this path..Not that I'll be a nun,I'm just tired of this relationship thing..4yrs ago,Guoqiang was very stern and warned me that I've to bear my consequences for taking this last risk..now I know what he meant..
I don't know how am I going to get through these,afterall I really gave my whole heart and soul into loving B,always trying to make things work no matter how hard it is..I dare say I've lived out my word-my bond to love him with all my heart,being very truthful and true to him in all things..even though some friends discouraged me from being so truthful in relationship..But I really want to be honest in love,in every aspects - my past,present and even future..
"Hebrews 4:13
Nothing in all creation is hidden from God's sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give account."
I'll try to get over and move into singlehood..Just hope you guys will still keep me in prayers..call me,sms me..anything just contact me,afterall I'm also alone..
28 Jan 08 - Still in depression
now i know what's depression really about.. It's really not easy..After my prayer this morning,I was half-tank full of hope..but now..I cried again..
I really don't know what's behold the future..I'm really scare..I love B so much,even till now..How can anyone deny the love we had,and regard all that as tiring process? We could not have gone this far,if we just based our relationship on 'pity' and 'obligation'..There has to something more..the love..Where is this love now..I know i should not think this anymore..but I cant help it..
I hugged my dad this morning and he encouraged me to look forward..I know I should,I must..but it's not easy..really.."Let it be done to me,according to Thy Word"..what a simple sentence,yet it's so hard to do..
I really don't know what's behold the future..I'm really scare..I love B so much,even till now..How can anyone deny the love we had,and regard all that as tiring process? We could not have gone this far,if we just based our relationship on 'pity' and 'obligation'..There has to something more..the love..Where is this love now..I know i should not think this anymore..but I cant help it..
I hugged my dad this morning and he encouraged me to look forward..I know I should,I must..but it's not easy..really.."Let it be done to me,according to Thy Word"..what a simple sentence,yet it's so hard to do..
28 Jan 08 - Normal life is back?
The ache returns,I still miss B...I tried to remain asleep so I dont have to face it..But I know I have to face it.. Things are getting normal,that's why the 'natural' returns.. The more I need to seek God..I don't know what to pray..physically tired and emotionally too..I practically kneel at the altar and rest..I wonder how people can do daily devotions..it's really not easy as all kinds of 'excuses' will come..I really respect them..
The song "Still" keep ringing in my heart..sometime silence is not a bad thing..just try keep focusing on God and His Goodness...
The song "Still" keep ringing in my heart..sometime silence is not a bad thing..just try keep focusing on God and His Goodness...
Sunday, January 27, 2008
27 Jan 08 - Am I out of depression?
With all the support around me and God's peace in me,I really feel I'm better now,compared to days ago..But am I really out of depression,in such short time?
B sms me today when I was in prayer.. I thank God that he still cares for me..I'm learning not to read too much into this..If God is for me,who can be against me..He provides for the sparrows of the field,how much more will He care for His children..Ya, it's easier to say I trust Him..But the truth,it still hurts to recall B's words on his decision..I just don't know what to think,except to leave to God who knows the Truth..B say he'll check my blog when he has the chance..I just hope he won't be offended as most of the entries are about him..But then again,this is my blog - the space where I can speak forth and be true to myself (fyi,B said I'm not 'true' person as I change according to situations,but I really don't agree)
My family bought a car today..it's really a 'family commitment' as whole family went out to choose the car,even though it's my sister's work requirement. It's really a blessing too - the agent threw in a lot of free installations for the new car (I don't really know much but my sister is thrilled with the bargain) and got a new 32" LCD TV as a freebie too! Considering the LCD TV is already 2k-3k,I really think it's great bargain.
Come to think of it,it's really funny how much an impact a hug can be..It really restores relationships and bring reconciliation and joy..Now that I can hold and put my arms around my dad and mum without reservations..I'm so proud of myself for being able to do that.. I can be my parent's little girl and rest in their arms anytime..Miracles do happen..
B sms me today when I was in prayer.. I thank God that he still cares for me..I'm learning not to read too much into this..If God is for me,who can be against me..He provides for the sparrows of the field,how much more will He care for His children..Ya, it's easier to say I trust Him..But the truth,it still hurts to recall B's words on his decision..I just don't know what to think,except to leave to God who knows the Truth..B say he'll check my blog when he has the chance..I just hope he won't be offended as most of the entries are about him..But then again,this is my blog - the space where I can speak forth and be true to myself (fyi,B said I'm not 'true' person as I change according to situations,but I really don't agree)
My family bought a car today..it's really a 'family commitment' as whole family went out to choose the car,even though it's my sister's work requirement. It's really a blessing too - the agent threw in a lot of free installations for the new car (I don't really know much but my sister is thrilled with the bargain) and got a new 32" LCD TV as a freebie too! Considering the LCD TV is already 2k-3k,I really think it's great bargain.
Come to think of it,it's really funny how much an impact a hug can be..It really restores relationships and bring reconciliation and joy..Now that I can hold and put my arms around my dad and mum without reservations..I'm so proud of myself for being able to do that.. I can be my parent's little girl and rest in their arms anytime..Miracles do happen..
27 Jan 08 - Sunday Mass message
I don't want to be freaky,preachy,or even religious.. But I thank God for the past miraculous days He carried me through.. He really answers prayers if only we would come to Him..
I thought it'll be a normal mass today,afterall it's ordinary time..I thought after all the hype,I should be contented to stay in God's peace (which I am,really) and expect nothing else.. Just go through the mass,listen.. But God is ommipresent..The message was on the Light of Jesus. He is our Light in our darkness,He'll guide us into his Light..I don't know if you agree,but after all these days,Jesus is really my Light..guiding my heart..revealing His faithfulness in ways I do not expect..Suddenly,I feel so blessed..I'm not trying to be spiritual or sound noble,but I'm just so blessed cos God is with me in such tangible ways.. I pray His Light will also be upon people who are going through difficult time now..Let them cry to Him like little children,He'll reveal His glory in them.. Jere 33:3 "Come to Me and I will show you great and mighty things which you do not know"
Then, the offertory hymn just comforts me even more.. "Unless a grain of wheat falls unto ground and dies,it remains but a grain without life" .. How true.. But I tell you,it's really very very very very hurtful to go through the dying stage..it's really the DYING stage..We don't undestand how come,we keep asking why,we cry to Him in prayers,so in great fear of the future,even go into the depression,sometimes even wish God could just take us away....But no matter what happens,keep praying to God who is always beside us....
As for me, I just want to take one day at a time now..let it be pyschologically or supernaturally,I just want to learn to lean on God's grace and strength one day at a time..Pray His peace will always reigns in me..A clear mind freed from all those attacks.. Just take rest under God's wings..
There's really power in prayers,especially with fasting...really it's so true and real..Thank you all who have been praying for me..standing by me as my friends indeed..Thank you..Thank you,Comment,though I do not know you but your comments are really very encouraging..Thank you
I thought it'll be a normal mass today,afterall it's ordinary time..I thought after all the hype,I should be contented to stay in God's peace (which I am,really) and expect nothing else.. Just go through the mass,listen.. But God is ommipresent..The message was on the Light of Jesus. He is our Light in our darkness,He'll guide us into his Light..I don't know if you agree,but after all these days,Jesus is really my Light..guiding my heart..revealing His faithfulness in ways I do not expect..Suddenly,I feel so blessed..I'm not trying to be spiritual or sound noble,but I'm just so blessed cos God is with me in such tangible ways.. I pray His Light will also be upon people who are going through difficult time now..Let them cry to Him like little children,He'll reveal His glory in them.. Jere 33:3 "Come to Me and I will show you great and mighty things which you do not know"
Then, the offertory hymn just comforts me even more.. "Unless a grain of wheat falls unto ground and dies,it remains but a grain without life" .. How true.. But I tell you,it's really very very very very hurtful to go through the dying stage..it's really the DYING stage..We don't undestand how come,we keep asking why,we cry to Him in prayers,so in great fear of the future,even go into the depression,sometimes even wish God could just take us away....But no matter what happens,keep praying to God who is always beside us....
As for me, I just want to take one day at a time now..let it be pyschologically or supernaturally,I just want to learn to lean on God's grace and strength one day at a time..Pray His peace will always reigns in me..A clear mind freed from all those attacks.. Just take rest under God's wings..
There's really power in prayers,especially with fasting...really it's so true and real..Thank you all who have been praying for me..standing by me as my friends indeed..Thank you..Thank you,Comment,though I do not know you but your comments are really very encouraging..Thank you
27 Jan 08 - Do you believe in miracle?
Do you believe in miracle? I do! Not because I'm experiencing hence I believe, but I have always believe our God is God of impossibles. He enjoys working miracles for us,so we can glorify His Name to all the earth..
Remember how I've been praying on my morning ache? Well, glory to God - I really don't feel the ache or hurt today when I open my eyes. Instead,I know God is in control..I just need to learn to leave everything in His Hands..Take a day at a time..He will be with me,guide me by my hand in this walk,carry me when I'm weak to walk....He is with me..
Remember how I've been praying on my morning ache? Well, glory to God - I really don't feel the ache or hurt today when I open my eyes. Instead,I know God is in control..I just need to learn to leave everything in His Hands..Take a day at a time..He will be with me,guide me by my hand in this walk,carry me when I'm weak to walk....He is with me..
Saturday, January 26, 2008
26 Jan 08 - Double portion of Blessing
You cannot believe how double blessed I am!! My spirit rejoices and so refreshed cos I've spoken to a woman of such strong faith!! And I've never even expected her to be Christian at all!!
She is my buddy's girlfriend. I never expect them to visit me,but they just did. To her,she felt the urge to come, we just know it's God. I've seldom to talk to her;just now was the first time I really talk to her -woman-to-woman. She blessed my soul so so much with her faith in God..I just enjoy talking to her.. .. Indeed,we are all micro in the macro world of God. Only when we are able to leave everything to God,then that is faith. Always remember we have a safety net cos our Lord will never let us fall beyond Him. Just trust Him in each day,day by day.. Eventually,we have to present ourselves to God-an account between oneself and God where no one else matters anymore...What matters is to be true to myself-of how God has created me and how he has planted this faith in me..He is the Author and Finisher of my faith..What a joy it'll be if we are able to present Him our moulded self when He returns..The moulding process will hurt,it sure hurts..the devil is sure to attack especially when we are so dear to God..but trust God in everything-because God will perfect and is working in us..
Let me tell you guys, I've never had such personal uplifting conversation before! She is just here,so compassionate yet strong in faith. She is such a amazing woman!! My buddy should be very blessed to have her as girlfriend! You know,i can almost imagine how blessed Elizabeth (Mary's cousin) felt when our Blessed Virgin paid her a visit (Luke 1:39-45).. My spirit is so filled with joy and my cup is so full.. I pray God will use me to bless people around me,just like she has blessed me.. My experience will not be in vain.. What a blessing to be used by God indeed!!
I'm in awe of what God is doing-He just keep blessing me with all these miracles..My spirit want to shout with joy "Glory to God!"...I'm coming back to the place of worship,when it's all about You.It's all about You,Jesus...
She is my buddy's girlfriend. I never expect them to visit me,but they just did. To her,she felt the urge to come, we just know it's God. I've seldom to talk to her;just now was the first time I really talk to her -woman-to-woman. She blessed my soul so so much with her faith in God..I just enjoy talking to her.. .. Indeed,we are all micro in the macro world of God. Only when we are able to leave everything to God,then that is faith. Always remember we have a safety net cos our Lord will never let us fall beyond Him. Just trust Him in each day,day by day.. Eventually,we have to present ourselves to God-an account between oneself and God where no one else matters anymore...What matters is to be true to myself-of how God has created me and how he has planted this faith in me..He is the Author and Finisher of my faith..What a joy it'll be if we are able to present Him our moulded self when He returns..The moulding process will hurt,it sure hurts..the devil is sure to attack especially when we are so dear to God..but trust God in everything-because God will perfect and is working in us..
Let me tell you guys, I've never had such personal uplifting conversation before! She is just here,so compassionate yet strong in faith. She is such a amazing woman!! My buddy should be very blessed to have her as girlfriend! You know,i can almost imagine how blessed Elizabeth (Mary's cousin) felt when our Blessed Virgin paid her a visit (Luke 1:39-45).. My spirit is so filled with joy and my cup is so full.. I pray God will use me to bless people around me,just like she has blessed me.. My experience will not be in vain.. What a blessing to be used by God indeed!!
I'm in awe of what God is doing-He just keep blessing me with all these miracles..My spirit want to shout with joy "Glory to God!"...I'm coming back to the place of worship,when it's all about You.It's all about You,Jesus...
26 Jan 08 - Queen of Peace
I think I really have to thank my therapist for giving me this blogging idea. Whatever happens to me, I just want to share with you..though I don't know how many of you are reading or criticising me..
Today after my morning tuition,i was gripped by fear and all the questions again.All the promises he made and why things turned out like this now..I don't even know if he's ever coming back..I'm just so scare..When my dad came to fetch me to my bus-stop,I cried to him of my fear..Somehow,he managed to calm me down..
I had to attend a writing class this afternoon,for my new position,with a new colleague whom I do not know. During my bus journey,the voices and questions keep attacking me..I feel so alone and scared..I kept my ears busy by listening to God's promises and tried to fall asleep in the bus so I won't think.. It's really a battle inside and I tried to act normally outwardly..
I cannot concentrate in class,let alone smile. Though there's group discussion,but I just kept quiet as I really cannot think..I'm so scare to think.. I pray the Holy Rosary in my heart in hope for some peace,while my heart also yearns to leave the class as soon as possible..finally I cant stand it anymore..I have to confess out my fear..I talked to this new colleague..Well,when people are depressed,they really cannot control when and who to open to.they just have to open,and hopefully they open to good counsel..Though she's kind,but I know she don't really understand..
After the class,I rushed to Novena church..I just need to seek refuge in God,with all these struggle inside me,before i cry out in public..The miracle happens....when I stepped in Novena church,all those voices stopped..Somehow,peace really falls unto me when I stepped in church.I'm not resisting any thoughts anymore..I'm surprised..Being rational,I tried to recall those voices - questions and promises he made..but I just cant..I really cannot explain why I cant recall,so I just stay in this peace and pray this peace will stay with me always,even when I step out of church..
I thank God for all these little happenings,which so miraculous to me..Glory to God in the Highest and peace to His people on earth..Holy Mother of Peace..I really pray this peace will continue to reign in me at all times,especially when I wake up tomorrow..
Today after my morning tuition,i was gripped by fear and all the questions again.All the promises he made and why things turned out like this now..I don't even know if he's ever coming back..I'm just so scare..When my dad came to fetch me to my bus-stop,I cried to him of my fear..Somehow,he managed to calm me down..
I had to attend a writing class this afternoon,for my new position,with a new colleague whom I do not know. During my bus journey,the voices and questions keep attacking me..I feel so alone and scared..I kept my ears busy by listening to God's promises and tried to fall asleep in the bus so I won't think.. It's really a battle inside and I tried to act normally outwardly..
I cannot concentrate in class,let alone smile. Though there's group discussion,but I just kept quiet as I really cannot think..I'm so scare to think.. I pray the Holy Rosary in my heart in hope for some peace,while my heart also yearns to leave the class as soon as possible..finally I cant stand it anymore..I have to confess out my fear..I talked to this new colleague..Well,when people are depressed,they really cannot control when and who to open to.they just have to open,and hopefully they open to good counsel..Though she's kind,but I know she don't really understand..
After the class,I rushed to Novena church..I just need to seek refuge in God,with all these struggle inside me,before i cry out in public..The miracle happens....when I stepped in Novena church,all those voices stopped..Somehow,peace really falls unto me when I stepped in church.I'm not resisting any thoughts anymore..I'm surprised..Being rational,I tried to recall those voices - questions and promises he made..but I just cant..I really cannot explain why I cant recall,so I just stay in this peace and pray this peace will stay with me always,even when I step out of church..
I thank God for all these little happenings,which so miraculous to me..Glory to God in the Highest and peace to His people on earth..Holy Mother of Peace..I really pray this peace will continue to reign in me at all times,especially when I wake up tomorrow..
26 Jan 08 - In the Morning again
8.12am = still aches..I've tried,really tried to let go..I still miss B..Though I thank God we're still friends now,and he had the courage to explain to my parents to end in peace.. but i still miss him.. By now,I guess you must be sick and tired of my blog cos it's the same every morning.. Sorry,I cannot help it.. I even hug my Bible to sleep in hope it'll ease the aching in the morning.. Anything..anything that will help me to get over this morning aching..
Friday, January 25, 2008
25 Jan 08 - After all those high moments
I really thank God for what He had done for me,in me.. I cannot deny that God is with me..
But I began to wonder..what's next..you know,after all these 'miraculous' moments,reality still have to be put in place.. So I went to back to Adoration room again.. I don't know why but that is the place where I feel God is so tangible,something like the Holy of Holy..
I'm confused..I really don't know how to pray now..On one hand,I know I have to move on and let God be our Guide;whatever will be will be..But on another,something inside just keep holding on...Ya,I know you'll say "J,let go-it's over"..It's really easier said than done, you know..
Anyway,back to Adoration room,i don't know why but I cried again.. I thank Him for seeing me through..but now,somehow I'm fearful to come out,to move out.. I pray and pray hard that i'll keep my focus on God. I really don't know what will happen,just have to trust God who knows the desires of my heart. He is our Abba Father..
Somehow,I got my affirmation in the prayer meeting group. Special guest speaker-Father Lawrence shared with us Luke 24:13-31. This story is not the usual passage to preach,but it just touched my heart. 2 men were on a journey to a village from Jerusalem,talking about the miraculous event that Jesus of Nazareth has risen,yet they didn't recognise Jesus who came up and walked with them. Even when Jesus,who already knew what happened,asked them what was their topic,trying to get them to share with Him..they still didn't recognise Him.It was until Jesus acted as if he were going away,then the men urged him to stay with them. Because of their urge,Jesus stayed and opened their eyes when he broke the bread and gave thanks.
Am I like the men who knew about the wonderous work of God,yet not knowing God?Or now that I've experienced Him for past days,that my eyes are opened..In fact,He has never leave me or forsake me all these while.. I know even right now,after those 'high' moments,He is still with me.. And since He is with me,why am I in this confusion again? My spirit is so stirred..I just want to cry "Stay with me,Lord"..Whatever going to happen,I really don't know..But I really enjoy the Peace with God,nothing seems to matter when He's with me.. I cannot afford to lose sight of Him..
So,if you are reading this blog, esp Comment,Kim and Florence..Please keep me in your prayers..I really don't wish to wake up in fear and aching heart every morning..Pray that my focus will always on God-may my eyes fixed on Him..I've always believe there's power in prayers so I seek your prayers.. Thank you..
But I began to wonder..what's next..you know,after all these 'miraculous' moments,reality still have to be put in place.. So I went to back to Adoration room again.. I don't know why but that is the place where I feel God is so tangible,something like the Holy of Holy..
I'm confused..I really don't know how to pray now..On one hand,I know I have to move on and let God be our Guide;whatever will be will be..But on another,something inside just keep holding on...Ya,I know you'll say "J,let go-it's over"..It's really easier said than done, you know..
Anyway,back to Adoration room,i don't know why but I cried again.. I thank Him for seeing me through..but now,somehow I'm fearful to come out,to move out.. I pray and pray hard that i'll keep my focus on God. I really don't know what will happen,just have to trust God who knows the desires of my heart. He is our Abba Father..
Somehow,I got my affirmation in the prayer meeting group. Special guest speaker-Father Lawrence shared with us Luke 24:13-31. This story is not the usual passage to preach,but it just touched my heart. 2 men were on a journey to a village from Jerusalem,talking about the miraculous event that Jesus of Nazareth has risen,yet they didn't recognise Jesus who came up and walked with them. Even when Jesus,who already knew what happened,asked them what was their topic,trying to get them to share with Him..they still didn't recognise Him.It was until Jesus acted as if he were going away,then the men urged him to stay with them. Because of their urge,Jesus stayed and opened their eyes when he broke the bread and gave thanks.
Am I like the men who knew about the wonderous work of God,yet not knowing God?Or now that I've experienced Him for past days,that my eyes are opened..In fact,He has never leave me or forsake me all these while.. I know even right now,after those 'high' moments,He is still with me.. And since He is with me,why am I in this confusion again? My spirit is so stirred..I just want to cry "Stay with me,Lord"..Whatever going to happen,I really don't know..But I really enjoy the Peace with God,nothing seems to matter when He's with me.. I cannot afford to lose sight of Him..
So,if you are reading this blog, esp Comment,Kim and Florence..Please keep me in your prayers..I really don't wish to wake up in fear and aching heart every morning..Pray that my focus will always on God-may my eyes fixed on Him..I've always believe there's power in prayers so I seek your prayers.. Thank you..
25 Jan 08 - I hug my dad!
I hug my dad!
All these years of Christian faith, I know I've to honour my parents.. My parents are not the hugging,pat-on-your-back type,they are more traditional chinese.. I remember it surprised my mum when I hug her for the first time,after all these years.. and now,I just hug her every now and then and relationship really improves...But i've never dare to hug my dad..His views can be very stubborn and unreasonable..I just cannot bring myself to hug him...
I really thank God,for He is working in me now! Well,you might say it's cos I'm so sad that's why I can do this. If you know me personally,I'm quite prideful person (as B always says). No matter how difficult the situation is,I can open to anyone except my dad, though I know I love him and we're so similiar in character.
Well,I saw him sitting alone in the living room just now..I just have the urge to go over and hug him and I did! He hugged me back and gave me a pat on my back!!! No words can express my thanksgivings and gladness for my dad!..I just rest in his hug..
God really do wonders when you open yourself to Him. He is God,so true and alive!
B, if you are reading this blog (I have my doubts),I can proudly say to you - You gonna rediscover a new me, cos God is indeed at work in me. God do answer prayers! Maybe this is not the right time for us yet, but let the past be bygones,and let's rediscover each other..Let God be our Guide and our Way..
All these years of Christian faith, I know I've to honour my parents.. My parents are not the hugging,pat-on-your-back type,they are more traditional chinese.. I remember it surprised my mum when I hug her for the first time,after all these years.. and now,I just hug her every now and then and relationship really improves...But i've never dare to hug my dad..His views can be very stubborn and unreasonable..I just cannot bring myself to hug him...
I really thank God,for He is working in me now! Well,you might say it's cos I'm so sad that's why I can do this. If you know me personally,I'm quite prideful person (as B always says). No matter how difficult the situation is,I can open to anyone except my dad, though I know I love him and we're so similiar in character.
Well,I saw him sitting alone in the living room just now..I just have the urge to go over and hug him and I did! He hugged me back and gave me a pat on my back!!! No words can express my thanksgivings and gladness for my dad!..I just rest in his hug..
God really do wonders when you open yourself to Him. He is God,so true and alive!
B, if you are reading this blog (I have my doubts),I can proudly say to you - You gonna rediscover a new me, cos God is indeed at work in me. God do answer prayers! Maybe this is not the right time for us yet, but let the past be bygones,and let's rediscover each other..Let God be our Guide and our Way..
25 Jan 08 - In the Morning
7.10am - my heart aches again when i open my eyes..I keep telling myself it's ok, let God have His Will.. but it just aches..I know the situtation is better now,that we are still friends, rather than avoiding each other. Well, at least I've done my part to love wholeheartedly in the relationship and to end the relationship in peace and love. I guess it's normal that it aches,no matter how I try to talk myself out of it. Maybe Kim is right,I should force myself to get out.. ..
I still love him so much..and I told him that last night.. his last sms "i thank you for your love.i am truly blessed.sorry i couldn't love you back.you have grown,stronger in faith n in the lord.am happy for u.take care" I replied him to leave everything to God,let God be our Guide.
I know it's time to move on,I know I should not.. but I love him so much.. I'll keep praying for him,for us..All steps are guided by God,so I will learn to walk by faith and trust God. Our Father knows the desires of our hearts; if we abide in Him, He'll make a way for His way is higher than our way.. Just like the miraculous peace He blessed me last night...
Friend just sms me this when I'm about to end this blog..
Mark 11:23"I tell you the truth, if anyone says to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself into the sea,' and does not doubt in his heart but believes that what he says will happen, it will be done for him."
I don't want to be freaky or religious,but it just comforts me...
I still love him so much..and I told him that last night.. his last sms "i thank you for your love.i am truly blessed.sorry i couldn't love you back.you have grown,stronger in faith n in the lord.am happy for u.take care" I replied him to leave everything to God,let God be our Guide.
I know it's time to move on,I know I should not.. but I love him so much.. I'll keep praying for him,for us..All steps are guided by God,so I will learn to walk by faith and trust God. Our Father knows the desires of our hearts; if we abide in Him, He'll make a way for His way is higher than our way.. Just like the miraculous peace He blessed me last night...
Friend just sms me this when I'm about to end this blog..
Mark 11:23"I tell you the truth, if anyone says to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself into the sea,' and does not doubt in his heart but believes that what he says will happen, it will be done for him."
I don't want to be freaky or religious,but it just comforts me...
Thursday, January 24, 2008
24 Jan 08 - I've done it!
I did it! I don't know how but I did it!
I've gotten my answers from B with the peace of God! Praise to God!
It didn't start very well..he came straight into my room,I was shock!How can he be coming to my room,doesn't he know it's hurtful...But at that moment,I heard myself asking him "what happened" in such calm tone! It's so not me who is talking.Inside myself, how I wanted to ask him get out of my comfort zone...it's just not me who was talking..It has to be my medication or God who gave me this courage and calmness.. and it just didn't stop there! I started leading the conversation in such calmness,when I was just crying to my girlfriend who was in my room moments ago! Honestly,I don't remember what did I talk to him about,I just tell him how I'm feeling now and how is he.. but the peace of God just reigns..I'm even able to crack jokes and break the tension.
Even when he had to explain to my parents who came into my room, the peace just reigns. No commotions, instead I'm super surprised my dad actually encouraged him to speak forth his mind to end this in peace..I've never seen my dad being so out-spoken and encouraging,though I know he's upset on what happened.. We had a little chat,as friends..I feel so relaxed talking to him,about us,about our new friendship in such openness and truth.. Honestly,I don't want to look back at all the hurt..suddenly it all doesn't matter anymore..I am just enjoying the conversation with him,in such peace and openness! Though I know he is holding some scepticism about me, but it doesn't affect me at all! I'm just enjoying the conversation as a friend..I really don't know what's ahead of us,I just want to leave everything to God and enjoy that peace and openness...
The last thing I remember is I see him (with his stuff) to my door..He asked if I could carry for him,perhaps have dinner with him before he leave..How my heart cries 'YES-I want to spend time with him' yet the voice who is talking all these while told him 'Are you sane?' .. Before he leaves,he asked me if we could still meet up. Again,my heart cries 'YES,OF COURSE' but my voice replied in such calmness 'Sure,now that I'm not working,just give me a call' which I cannot comprehend! I really hope he meant his word..to meet up..even as friend..
God is indeed with me for He is really seeing me through this..I won't have known what to say or even how to react..I remember I was shivering in fear when I met him the previous time.. I cannot say I've grown stronger,as you guys know i'm still crying like a baby for God. All I can say,I thank God for being with me,giving the words to say,guiding me on how to behave.. I'm in awe of what He has just done! His Peace just reigns in my room all these while and .. I'm so so blessed!!
I don't know what shape i'll be in tomorrow morning(my daily fear)..But I know God is with me..
I've gotten my answers from B with the peace of God! Praise to God!
It didn't start very well..he came straight into my room,I was shock!How can he be coming to my room,doesn't he know it's hurtful...But at that moment,I heard myself asking him "what happened" in such calm tone! It's so not me who is talking.Inside myself, how I wanted to ask him get out of my comfort zone...it's just not me who was talking..It has to be my medication or God who gave me this courage and calmness.. and it just didn't stop there! I started leading the conversation in such calmness,when I was just crying to my girlfriend who was in my room moments ago! Honestly,I don't remember what did I talk to him about,I just tell him how I'm feeling now and how is he.. but the peace of God just reigns..I'm even able to crack jokes and break the tension.
Even when he had to explain to my parents who came into my room, the peace just reigns. No commotions, instead I'm super surprised my dad actually encouraged him to speak forth his mind to end this in peace..I've never seen my dad being so out-spoken and encouraging,though I know he's upset on what happened.. We had a little chat,as friends..I feel so relaxed talking to him,about us,about our new friendship in such openness and truth.. Honestly,I don't want to look back at all the hurt..suddenly it all doesn't matter anymore..I am just enjoying the conversation with him,in such peace and openness! Though I know he is holding some scepticism about me, but it doesn't affect me at all! I'm just enjoying the conversation as a friend..I really don't know what's ahead of us,I just want to leave everything to God and enjoy that peace and openness...
The last thing I remember is I see him (with his stuff) to my door..He asked if I could carry for him,perhaps have dinner with him before he leave..How my heart cries 'YES-I want to spend time with him' yet the voice who is talking all these while told him 'Are you sane?' .. Before he leaves,he asked me if we could still meet up. Again,my heart cries 'YES,OF COURSE' but my voice replied in such calmness 'Sure,now that I'm not working,just give me a call' which I cannot comprehend! I really hope he meant his word..to meet up..even as friend..
God is indeed with me for He is really seeing me through this..I won't have known what to say or even how to react..I remember I was shivering in fear when I met him the previous time.. I cannot say I've grown stronger,as you guys know i'm still crying like a baby for God. All I can say,I thank God for being with me,giving the words to say,guiding me on how to behave.. I'm in awe of what He has just done! His Peace just reigns in my room all these while and .. I'm so so blessed!!
I don't know what shape i'll be in tomorrow morning(my daily fear)..But I know God is with me..
24 Jan 08 - He's coming
6.05pm - B say he'll come after work to collect his stuff.. I've dumped it all in a corner..My friend came and help me to clear it off my room.. It hurts,it really does.. but I know no matter what I do now, he won't feel a thing.. My B is gone..This stranger I do not know.. He says he'll come and explain to my parents for breaking his promise.. Let him be. He's full of reasons on his decision now.. I know it'll hurts to see him again,but I have to.. I have to face him cos he's a stranger now..
Comment>You are right..He might be still immature to handle these,that's why he chose to give up now after all we've been through..But keep praying for him..He does not know what he is doing..
I know I have to move on, with God, with friends and my family who are standing with me.. I've gave my all effort and love into this relationship,I have not regrets for loving him.. it just hurts when i miss him.. Pray for me..May God give mercy and strength for me to go through this valley of tears..
Comment>You are right..He might be still immature to handle these,that's why he chose to give up now after all we've been through..But keep praying for him..He does not know what he is doing..
I know I have to move on, with God, with friends and my family who are standing with me.. I've gave my all effort and love into this relationship,I have not regrets for loving him.. it just hurts when i miss him.. Pray for me..May God give mercy and strength for me to go through this valley of tears..
24 Jan 08 - A call from B friend
Just received a call from B's friend whom he trusted.. he told her he's decided..and things don't happen overnight..True,I understand things dun happen overnight..but we have always put our issues on the table and work the solutions out! Why did he withhold his issue,when he's supposed to talk it out? Now his issue has gripped him so bad that he is giving up..cant he see it's all his own decisions all along - returning to commit after he prayed about us,to keep the issue to himself,and to give up.. I have no participation at all..This is what he means by 'fairness'? And trust me,I know he's the type who keeps things to himself,carry the stress himself..the independent type.. I've always ask him to open up and talk it out,especially it concerns both of us.. But I guess it doesn't matter now.. I just want to leave everything to God... If He meant us to be,we'll to be somehow...
Oh God, show us Your will and be our Guide.. I really don't know what happened.. I just want to leave it to You..I don't know how Holy Mother could do it-it's so hard to trust You when I cannot see..I know You are with me, I pray for Your strength and grace..Let my eyes be open to see Your Way.. My friend told me no one knows what's the future holds,so I'm taking one step at a time.. guide me O Lord..
Oh God, show us Your will and be our Guide.. I really don't know what happened.. I just want to leave it to You..I don't know how Holy Mother could do it-it's so hard to trust You when I cannot see..I know You are with me, I pray for Your strength and grace..Let my eyes be open to see Your Way.. My friend told me no one knows what's the future holds,so I'm taking one step at a time.. guide me O Lord..
24 Jan 08 - In the Morning
6.35am - why is morning so scary? I open my eyes and my B is no longer around. I miss B, I really miss B.. I know people say when guy is gone,he is gone..But I really miss my B - he is full of love for people..where is he now..He always ready to help people,to work things out.. How can he just say 'peace' and want to serve his ministry, therefore not peace with me...God,I miss B so much... it hurts,it just hurts... I know I should not wait for B,but I love B so much..so so much.... I miss B,God..I miss him so much.. his smile,voice,his tender care...i love B.. He said he love me cos I'm full of faith in love and in God..I've always guard my tongue as possible,as the Bible says my tongue holds the power of Life and Death. Jesus will come to judge one day.
I look at his pictures..the one I've taken for him and with him.. He always like to act cool in the photos,but he's always so fun and caring..He was with me just few months ago..what happened to my B..I pray my B will return..I love him so much and I still love him so much.. B,where are you..I still love you, I will wait for you...God,help me...
I look at his pictures..the one I've taken for him and with him.. He always like to act cool in the photos,but he's always so fun and caring..He was with me just few months ago..what happened to my B..I pray my B will return..I love him so much and I still love him so much.. B,where are you..I still love you, I will wait for you...God,help me...
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
23 Jan 08 - Thank You,Jesus
God,I thank you for all these you've planned for me.. Nothing happens by coincident, all steps are guided by You..You know I'll be in this valley of tears,robbed of all joy..You have planned it all - sending friends as angels to my life..
I could never understand why you blessed me with job in SAP,even though they have to compensate Microsoft to get me over- and I'm just a minor role. Now I know.. so I can know Gwen,Daphne,Jolyn,Joanne,Serena and the rest.. The best team to work with-they have been really so understanding and supportive through this time..My performace is so bad now,compared to previous months, yet they give me such kind patience and grace..You prepared my way for this trial, Lord.. Who dare to say You are not with me...
I thank You for Jennifer,Cheryl and Wenya..I'm so surprised on their immediate support,even though I've shut them out for past 1mth when it all started.. I didn't know how to tell them.. Words cannot express how they have blessed my life,even just being around.. No matter what happens,they are always with me..Despite their own issues,they take time and effort to take care of me especially during this depression..
Even for the most unexpected,Zhongwei who seldom contact me..contact me out of sudden and gave his support.. And Ares in Taiwan suddenly message me..Everyone seems to know though I didn't tell them..God,You are indeed with me..
I cannot thank You more for Valerie and Delia. Though it's not easy for them to understand my cross-over, but they have been sms Your Word to keep me going. Nothing is more comforting than Your Word,Lord.. And a miracle - Uncle Bonnie..I only met him twice in Charismatic prayer meeting. First, he prayed so directly into my spirit and blessed me with Your peace when I'm so lost in my situation..Twice,I never expected to be prayed..yet he came over to my seat and prayed into my spirit again..Only 2 encounters..Uncle Bonnie has been blessing me so much with all the sms of Your Promises to remind me and keep me going. When I feel so down,somehow these sms of Your Promises will come in and defend me from all the hurt and attacks..God,You hold the broken-hearted so close to You..I cannot deny Your love,Your Word..
Praise in bad times;Pray in good times..God,You are good all the time.
1 Thessalonians 5:18
"in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you"
I could never understand why you blessed me with job in SAP,even though they have to compensate Microsoft to get me over- and I'm just a minor role. Now I know.. so I can know Gwen,Daphne,Jolyn,Joanne,Serena and the rest.. The best team to work with-they have been really so understanding and supportive through this time..My performace is so bad now,compared to previous months, yet they give me such kind patience and grace..You prepared my way for this trial, Lord.. Who dare to say You are not with me...
I thank You for Jennifer,Cheryl and Wenya..I'm so surprised on their immediate support,even though I've shut them out for past 1mth when it all started.. I didn't know how to tell them.. Words cannot express how they have blessed my life,even just being around.. No matter what happens,they are always with me..Despite their own issues,they take time and effort to take care of me especially during this depression..
Even for the most unexpected,Zhongwei who seldom contact me..contact me out of sudden and gave his support.. And Ares in Taiwan suddenly message me..Everyone seems to know though I didn't tell them..God,You are indeed with me..
I cannot thank You more for Valerie and Delia. Though it's not easy for them to understand my cross-over, but they have been sms Your Word to keep me going. Nothing is more comforting than Your Word,Lord.. And a miracle - Uncle Bonnie..I only met him twice in Charismatic prayer meeting. First, he prayed so directly into my spirit and blessed me with Your peace when I'm so lost in my situation..Twice,I never expected to be prayed..yet he came over to my seat and prayed into my spirit again..Only 2 encounters..Uncle Bonnie has been blessing me so much with all the sms of Your Promises to remind me and keep me going. When I feel so down,somehow these sms of Your Promises will come in and defend me from all the hurt and attacks..God,You hold the broken-hearted so close to You..I cannot deny Your love,Your Word..
Praise in bad times;Pray in good times..God,You are good all the time.
1 Thessalonians 5:18
"in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you"
23 Jan 08 - In the morning
8.45am - i woke up,realised my love is dead.. it hurts..it really hurts..I miss B so much,miss his smile,I miss his 'Good morning,darling' sms.. it hurts so much.. I fell into prayer,crying to God who alone has all the answers. Just like Job who lost everything in one day,made a widower suddenly.. I feel the same with him.. The thief has came to rob my joy,my B..I don't know where is he now..or will he ever come back..I can only consider him as dead,yet i still get to see him walking around..I cried so loud cos the pain is so great..But i still believe in Jesus who has indeed risen up from death and He's seated at the right hand of the Father. He'll come again to judge the lviing and the dead..I managed to complete my Rosary prayer in tears,so much tears..I know I should not hope for B's return,i might as well consider him be dead..but in my heart,I know I do hope for some Divine intercession,a miracle perhaps..I forgive him for not being around with me at this time..I love him so much,i will always be here if my B returns..
I know I have to move on and let God's will be done.. I don't know why my cross is so heavy..Have I been unrighteous? I confess all my sins to God,to my Godly friends cos I know I had to bring everything to His Light..Otherwise,the guilt of sin will still hold me inside.. In fact,I even confess our sin in this relationship, to God and to my sisters-in-Christ. I do not want to deal with guilt of sin alone in my heart...Am I silly to open myself as a book to others? No..I really want to be honest for I know God is watching everything,nothing can hide from Him. But why is my cross so heavy that I've to experience these again and again,each time it's more and more hurtful.. this time i'm so dead in love cos my love is dead..I don't even know this B who will be coming tomorrow to collect his stuff anymore.. I'm a widow..seeking all mercy from God and all around me..
I only can take a step at a time now..even if it's a very tiny step..have mercy on me..
I know I have to move on and let God's will be done.. I don't know why my cross is so heavy..Have I been unrighteous? I confess all my sins to God,to my Godly friends cos I know I had to bring everything to His Light..Otherwise,the guilt of sin will still hold me inside.. In fact,I even confess our sin in this relationship, to God and to my sisters-in-Christ. I do not want to deal with guilt of sin alone in my heart...Am I silly to open myself as a book to others? No..I really want to be honest for I know God is watching everything,nothing can hide from Him. But why is my cross so heavy that I've to experience these again and again,each time it's more and more hurtful.. this time i'm so dead in love cos my love is dead..I don't even know this B who will be coming tomorrow to collect his stuff anymore.. I'm a widow..seeking all mercy from God and all around me..
I only can take a step at a time now..even if it's a very tiny step..have mercy on me..
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
22 Jan 08 - Start of Depression
Today,i'm disgonised to suffer under Depression... my therapist suggest me to start a blog..so I can have my private space which depression demands, and yet connecting myself with people..
I started my story on B..what happened past weeks..4weeks..
I don't know what to do... my love is dead cos my B is dead.. How can he be so scary suddenly.. Where is his heart?? I miss B..the one who brought me so much joy and even assured me he's the one for me.. We went through so much.. how can he be dead..
I have to start on my anti-depression medication today.. my fear came true.. how many times i've tried to get myself out of depression..with love from B.. now he's gone.. I don't even think the current B will care anymore..even if I die now..
How can a person be so scary..so changed suddenly.. died in himself, in all his 'rational reasoning' on his withdrawal.. He wrote a list on why he love me - he love me because i always say what I feel,very true to self.. why is he saying i'm not true now? He knows I'm always true to him.
I keep hearing his voices,telling i don't listen..i keep changing my words...i'm not my true self with him.. NO! it's not true..I'm so true to him..even my darkest secret I confess to him and he accepted me.. where is my B.. why is he dead.. God where are you
I started my story on B..what happened past weeks..4weeks..
I don't know what to do... my love is dead cos my B is dead.. How can he be so scary suddenly.. Where is his heart?? I miss B..the one who brought me so much joy and even assured me he's the one for me.. We went through so much.. how can he be dead..
I have to start on my anti-depression medication today.. my fear came true.. how many times i've tried to get myself out of depression..with love from B.. now he's gone.. I don't even think the current B will care anymore..even if I die now..
How can a person be so scary..so changed suddenly.. died in himself, in all his 'rational reasoning' on his withdrawal.. He wrote a list on why he love me - he love me because i always say what I feel,very true to self.. why is he saying i'm not true now? He knows I'm always true to him.
I keep hearing his voices,telling i don't listen..i keep changing my words...i'm not my true self with him.. NO! it's not true..I'm so true to him..even my darkest secret I confess to him and he accepted me.. where is my B.. why is he dead.. God where are you
My love - B
My story..
I love B very much, in fact still does. We had been together for 4yrs and were planning into marriage just 3 months ago. I was the happiest person on earth when he told my mum he has prayed and confirmed I'm the one for him, we'll go through ups and downs on this tough path together. I know he's a faithful man who trust God. He's not a man who gives any promise,unless he's certain. He's a man of his words..I love him so much and put in all my love and effort..I was really so blessed by his return, God's blessing to me..
I started to get busy in work-working from 8.30 to even 11pm. I even have to work late on Saturdays. I'm very unhappy at work and i know it's not healthy for our relationship..I've not been spending time with him..
On 22Dec07, I'm supposed to join his church group for Christmas gathering. I had to work on that day..I worked without realising it's already 9.30pm while the party start at 7pm..I was sad cos he never call or sms me to follow-up with me,if i'm joining. I called and he's not answering..my heart just sank even lower. I sms him in my frustration 'if u dun wan me to join,just say so'..and i never hear from him till...
On 29Dec07,he finally want to meet up,to work things out. We met in AMK central,we said our perspectives on this slience and i'm looking forward to work things out.He said he sms me Christmas greetings, but I didn't respond..he sms to my terminated number so I didn't receive on my new number...he knew i've terminated the old number..I though all's cleared till he sat back and thought to himself..then he said he might not be ready,dun wan to waste my time..he wanted to break up with me and he walked away. What is this? We are supposed to work things out.. why the ending.. I called on his mobile.. seeking for reconcilation.. I asked him 'did you make the love commitment out of love or obligation? he answered 'out of love''.. then why cant we work things out since we love each other.. He said he needs time to consider..
During the period, i tried to contact him to open him up but he just ignore me..I seek help from his mum...he's not opening to his mum too..once or twice i receive sms and email from him telling me to give him time and space,not to try to contact him..he had never been so closed up..it hurts so much,but i tried to give him space..i deleted his number from my phone..I pray and cry to God everyday.. i know i cannot open him up,no one can..Only God.... And He gave me such peace in my heart and all signs to tell me God is with me though B's not opening up...God is with me.I kept praying.. and everything just so flow -- mass messages on family acceptance,man's problem solving attitude of hiding in cave,keep perservance.. it just so flow..I really pray for God to open him up as I perserve,no matter how hard it is, and i pray even on the slimmest hope..
8Jan08 - he called..finally i hear his voice.. he want to take his clothes back..i was so afraid..i shivered so badly when he came.. he asked me why i'm shaking.i told him 'i'm scare you'll take away my memories'..in the end,he only took his sandals and left.. I insisted to walk him to bus-stop though the distance is short..I just want to see him,talk to him as casual as possible.. i don't want to add pressure to him as he's not opening to me yet...Before he boarded the bus,he told me 'I don't like sticky girls'.. I am not sticky!! Thoughout our 4yrs,I've never ask him where or who he's with.. he knows it.. I just wan to see him as long as I can,especially he's so closed up..
11Jan08 - I bought present for his mum's birthday and delivered to his house..he's at home,we had a talk.. it hurts cos he dun wan to open the door for me,if not for his dog who squeezed out of the gate to greet me..he asked me 'how have u been'.. and everything is so friend-friendly..but he just dun wan to talk about us cos he say I'm not listening..but I really want to listen..why is he tired?? but he's not talking..I just kneel and apologised for all i've done wrong..he said it's not my fault,he knows how much I love him..he just dun wan to talk abt us..he invited me to leave..
God knows how many nights and days i cried to Him, in Adoration room and even on buses..I know he's stressed, tired.. but why is he tired?? We can always work things out,we so love each other.. We had even sorted out our differences and planned which faith is for our family.. we had solutions for each concerns..
I'm so crushed..I dunno what to do..his mum cant help me,though she tried to ask him but he dropped the topic..I really want to know why teh sudden withdrawal and sudden decision,i know i cannot push him..i need to give him space..I really don't know what to do..
19Jan08 - i managed to calm down after Devotion prayer..prayed all the way to get my pooh bear from his house..No one's in..i left the new year gifts on his table.. took my bear..hope he'll realise i've taken.. don't know if he still cares..
20Jan08 - my virginal area suddenly cramped badly for more than 1hr.. in pain,i sms him to pray for me..he sms he'll pray and I called him.. his voice told me something changed... he doesn't care as much for me anymore.. but i still want to talk to him, to know what happened..I really want to listen..he say he feels peace after making the decision to walk out that day.all these years,he didn't really have this peace in him when he's with me..now he's happy with the peace and clear of his direction.. He don't want me to call him 'Darling' and don't even want me to pray for reconciliation..If I still harp about our love,he won't treat me even as a friend anymore..He says he cannot see me as his future wife.,he's scared of me....God! Why did he pray and confirm I'm teh one when he could have walked out 3 months ago!!?!? He could still affirm i'm the one for him,in front of my mum!! I really don't understand.. God,I really don't understand.. He say he needs time and space and I gave him time and space! My heart is so crushed..so hurt..very hurt...i really love him with all i have..
I tried to pick myself up.. talked to him as casually as possible as a friend-the only link to him now...talked about Protestants and Catholic faith..he's reading a book on this..He now understand why i've been asking those challenging questions and is more affirmed in his faith..I really enjoy talking to him.. just to hear his voice.. the pain vanished..
21Jan08 - he sms me 'i'm already in the future,u shld not stay in the past' My heart just crushed again.. After last night,I know i have to move on..but all these while i'm waiting for him to open up..how much i want to work things out with him.. he just closed up,keep saying i'm not listening and only choose what i want to listen, he just refused to talk to me...I only can stand firm in our love and pray.. i don't want to break up.. we made teh love promise to each other,knowing it's not easy road to take... it's not easy to move on,though i pray....I really gave him all i have.. my last hope in love.. How can he be in the future when he said he need time and space to think all these while? Why and how can a person change so suddenly.. where is my B who love me so much,who promised to walk this path with me though we know it'll be tough,who promised his shoulder will always be here when I cry,who promised he won't bring me through this hurt again.. God where is he??? Who is this person using his body now?? How can he not have compassion on me,even as a friend as he wanted me to be? Have mercy on me.. where is my lovely B who has a heart of love.He won't crush a wounded spirit,even as a friend... where is he??..How can he 'feel peace' and dishonour his words now.. where is the B who guards his tongue and believe in Judgement..
I love B very much, in fact still does. We had been together for 4yrs and were planning into marriage just 3 months ago. I was the happiest person on earth when he told my mum he has prayed and confirmed I'm the one for him, we'll go through ups and downs on this tough path together. I know he's a faithful man who trust God. He's not a man who gives any promise,unless he's certain. He's a man of his words..I love him so much and put in all my love and effort..I was really so blessed by his return, God's blessing to me..
I started to get busy in work-working from 8.30 to even 11pm. I even have to work late on Saturdays. I'm very unhappy at work and i know it's not healthy for our relationship..I've not been spending time with him..
On 22Dec07, I'm supposed to join his church group for Christmas gathering. I had to work on that day..I worked without realising it's already 9.30pm while the party start at 7pm..I was sad cos he never call or sms me to follow-up with me,if i'm joining. I called and he's not answering..my heart just sank even lower. I sms him in my frustration 'if u dun wan me to join,just say so'..and i never hear from him till...
On 29Dec07,he finally want to meet up,to work things out. We met in AMK central,we said our perspectives on this slience and i'm looking forward to work things out.He said he sms me Christmas greetings, but I didn't respond..he sms to my terminated number so I didn't receive on my new number...he knew i've terminated the old number..I though all's cleared till he sat back and thought to himself..then he said he might not be ready,dun wan to waste my time..he wanted to break up with me and he walked away. What is this? We are supposed to work things out.. why the ending.. I called on his mobile.. seeking for reconcilation.. I asked him 'did you make the love commitment out of love or obligation? he answered 'out of love''.. then why cant we work things out since we love each other.. He said he needs time to consider..
During the period, i tried to contact him to open him up but he just ignore me..I seek help from his mum...he's not opening to his mum too..once or twice i receive sms and email from him telling me to give him time and space,not to try to contact him..he had never been so closed up..it hurts so much,but i tried to give him space..i deleted his number from my phone..I pray and cry to God everyday.. i know i cannot open him up,no one can..Only God.... And He gave me such peace in my heart and all signs to tell me God is with me though B's not opening up...God is with me.I kept praying.. and everything just so flow -- mass messages on family acceptance,man's problem solving attitude of hiding in cave,keep perservance.. it just so flow..I really pray for God to open him up as I perserve,no matter how hard it is, and i pray even on the slimmest hope..
8Jan08 - he called..finally i hear his voice.. he want to take his clothes back..i was so afraid..i shivered so badly when he came.. he asked me why i'm shaking.i told him 'i'm scare you'll take away my memories'..in the end,he only took his sandals and left.. I insisted to walk him to bus-stop though the distance is short..I just want to see him,talk to him as casual as possible.. i don't want to add pressure to him as he's not opening to me yet...Before he boarded the bus,he told me 'I don't like sticky girls'.. I am not sticky!! Thoughout our 4yrs,I've never ask him where or who he's with.. he knows it.. I just wan to see him as long as I can,especially he's so closed up..
11Jan08 - I bought present for his mum's birthday and delivered to his house..he's at home,we had a talk.. it hurts cos he dun wan to open the door for me,if not for his dog who squeezed out of the gate to greet me..he asked me 'how have u been'.. and everything is so friend-friendly..but he just dun wan to talk about us cos he say I'm not listening..but I really want to listen..why is he tired?? but he's not talking..I just kneel and apologised for all i've done wrong..he said it's not my fault,he knows how much I love him..he just dun wan to talk abt us..he invited me to leave..
God knows how many nights and days i cried to Him, in Adoration room and even on buses..I know he's stressed, tired.. but why is he tired?? We can always work things out,we so love each other.. We had even sorted out our differences and planned which faith is for our family.. we had solutions for each concerns..
I'm so crushed..I dunno what to do..his mum cant help me,though she tried to ask him but he dropped the topic..I really want to know why teh sudden withdrawal and sudden decision,i know i cannot push him..i need to give him space..I really don't know what to do..
19Jan08 - i managed to calm down after Devotion prayer..prayed all the way to get my pooh bear from his house..No one's in..i left the new year gifts on his table.. took my bear..hope he'll realise i've taken.. don't know if he still cares..
20Jan08 - my virginal area suddenly cramped badly for more than 1hr.. in pain,i sms him to pray for me..he sms he'll pray and I called him.. his voice told me something changed... he doesn't care as much for me anymore.. but i still want to talk to him, to know what happened..I really want to listen..he say he feels peace after making the decision to walk out that day.all these years,he didn't really have this peace in him when he's with me..now he's happy with the peace and clear of his direction.. He don't want me to call him 'Darling' and don't even want me to pray for reconciliation..If I still harp about our love,he won't treat me even as a friend anymore..He says he cannot see me as his future wife.,he's scared of me....God! Why did he pray and confirm I'm teh one when he could have walked out 3 months ago!!?!? He could still affirm i'm the one for him,in front of my mum!! I really don't understand.. God,I really don't understand.. He say he needs time and space and I gave him time and space! My heart is so crushed..so hurt..very hurt...i really love him with all i have..
I tried to pick myself up.. talked to him as casually as possible as a friend-the only link to him now...talked about Protestants and Catholic faith..he's reading a book on this..He now understand why i've been asking those challenging questions and is more affirmed in his faith..I really enjoy talking to him.. just to hear his voice.. the pain vanished..
21Jan08 - he sms me 'i'm already in the future,u shld not stay in the past' My heart just crushed again.. After last night,I know i have to move on..but all these while i'm waiting for him to open up..how much i want to work things out with him.. he just closed up,keep saying i'm not listening and only choose what i want to listen, he just refused to talk to me...I only can stand firm in our love and pray.. i don't want to break up.. we made teh love promise to each other,knowing it's not easy road to take... it's not easy to move on,though i pray....I really gave him all i have.. my last hope in love.. How can he be in the future when he said he need time and space to think all these while? Why and how can a person change so suddenly.. where is my B who love me so much,who promised to walk this path with me though we know it'll be tough,who promised his shoulder will always be here when I cry,who promised he won't bring me through this hurt again.. God where is he??? Who is this person using his body now?? How can he not have compassion on me,even as a friend as he wanted me to be? Have mercy on me.. where is my lovely B who has a heart of love.He won't crush a wounded spirit,even as a friend... where is he??..How can he 'feel peace' and dishonour his words now.. where is the B who guards his tongue and believe in Judgement..
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)