29 Apr 08 - Physical darkness

I just had the most joyous experience, followed by horrible fear..

Last Friday, I was struggling in my heart to choose between my passion (Salsa dance) and church (youth ministry). I know I have to focus on RCIA journey, before I get 'involved' into any ministry. But I cant help having the 'tag' to forgo my dance and possible chillout with my friends, for the prayer meeting... Well, in the end, I gave in to this tag of the Spirit.

I'd NEVER regret or forget that prayer meeting!! The moment I stepped CSC, though I'm alone, I felt at home, so at ease..Got to know some friends and they are just so nice! SO unbelievable..feel just 'at home' with them..When the praise and worship started, nothing else matters anymore..not even the people sitting beside me.. the presence of God is so strong in our midst - I can just touch Him! It's just so happened to be 'intercessary' meeting..The flow of the Spirit is so strong and so undescribable! Even after the meeting, God just sends people of same vision and such faith to 'pump' me up! It's really surprising how God works, everything just 'so pre-arranged' if we could just follow Him! That night, I know i'm no longer in depression anymore because of the Joy in my heart! Nothing can take away this joy that I have! It's totally mind-blowing!! ... finally I was able to sleep with a smile, with the love and assurance....

Sunday 27Apr - My 'darkness' falls.. For no apparent reason, out of vanity, I decided to wear my contact lenses for Mass. Trust me, I'm really not a fan of 'contact lense' unless special occasion, think of the dread of cleaning after use...But that morning, though it's just for an hr's Mass, I thought of 'being my best'..The moment I put 1 lense on, it STUNG my eye with such burning fire! So painful that I cant even open my eye! Took me a while before I can pull it out..my eye was so RED!

My eyes are quite sensitive, hence such experience is quite normal to me. Just as I thought I cant attend Mass with this state, instinct told me to pray.. So I did, and I was able to attend Mass WITHOUT any irritation at all! It was till my friends asked about my eye that I remembered of the morning incident..Feeling ok, I did my routine and took a nap.

Horror of horrors, I simple cannot open my eyes after my nap! After applying 'eye-mo' and washing my eye several times, I could only open for that few seconds before the pain returned. I knew I had to consult doctor-took a fast ride fr my dad to the nearest 24hr clinic. While waiting, the pain just don't give up.. I had to grope my way around the clinic as my dad was not with me. Even being blindfolded is not as dark as this! Best still, the doctor said he cannot help and had to direct me to hospital A&E! I was really shocked - it's just a infection! Usually I just get some eye-drops to clear it off, that's all.. True - he gave me my normal eye-drop after my insistence, it really didn't help at all! I still cannot open my eye!

When prayers and did-what-I-could didn't help, I had to give in to 'reality' and rushed to hospital A&E with my sister. All through the journey, the registration, the wait, my eye was really so painful that I was really whining loud! (ask my sister-she vouch for me) So loud that she had to tell me to shut up as people are looking at me! (yes, imagine a 30yrs old whining loud that her eye is so hurtful..you get the picture). Of course, I cannot see their reaction, it's all depending on the voices and sounds I heard, beside my sis's constant 'jokes' as comfort..Trust me, pain in the eye is really NOT something you can bear with - no matter how strong your pain threshold is.

To make matter worse, the eye specialist on duty was making her rounds - it took her more than 1hr to return! The agony and wait really materialised my fear of being blind.. When she finally returned, I got a 'scolding' that I should not whine so much cos I'm a big girl now.. What best thing to hear, after my anxious, pain-bearing wait!!

When I finally open my eye, after her 'powerful' eye-drops, I was SO HAPPY! I can SEE!! But the effect only lasted for half hr, just enough for her examination! Very promptly, the pain returns and I'm back to darkness! What a horrible experience - NEVER UNDERESTIMATE INFECTION! You'll be living in dark when you are least expected!

Basically, I could only fully open my eyes today (2nd day of MC). It's really quite an experience to be in the dark for so long.. Went for follow-up, and had to return to consultation again on Fri.. I'll never underestimate the power of infection again..How fragile is every part of my body and how I've taken God's creations for granted...

25 Apr 08 - What a life

Cant help thinking about my life after my blog last night -- it's full of trials.. and I don't understand why!!

Things started challenging in my Sec4..'Turning point' indeed. GCE+TH+JC+strong prosecution..quite a few major events in limited period.. experienced joy-fire-peace-struggle-guilt-murder-death-heartbreak-dispair-suidical thoughts.. It's amazing how I survived that 4 years, coming in-n-out of hospital so frequently..my health is so much affected even till now..

Then another 4 yrs of individualism-hopeful-murder-heartbreak..And another 4yrs cycle to go through another death of my life, to be where I am now.. To be honest, I'm freaking scare of relationship, of another 4yrs.. B used to say I'm superstitious (#4 is my favourite yet most fearful). I did reflect on myself, why things fall apart every 4yrs..but things just happened as just when we were planning for marriage.. I'm the pressure and cause for their withrdrawal? If so, why did they take inititaive to plan, to promise, to return etc..taking me as training ground??

To those scientific people, my experiences lead me towards depression and so here I am. But everything happens for a reason, in God's time, I just dont understand why me.. when all I want is to be someone whom I love and he is willing to commit to love. I'm willing to go through thick and thin with him, with the Love we have...Sounds too frictional, too noble? It's true - ask B if you have chance. My expectation is really simple - love with all your heart and commit with your life. That's natural in loving a person, is it not?

Vincent told me this morning that life is about trials. Jesus had gone through the greatest trial cos of His Love for us. We need to carry our cross daily to follow Him, trust Him to go through with us... Sounds simple, right? Keep praying for me...I'm still learning to let Jesus be pilot of my life..

"Then he called the crowd to him along with his disciples and said: "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me and for the gospel will save it." - Matt 8:34-35

24 Apr 08 - Small step forward,Great leap of Faith

So many things happened today, that I cant wait till tmr to share..

It's so amazing how God's plan.. Remember last night,I shared about my experience in saying the closing prayer?..Vincent told me this morning that all of them are inspired (I was praying for them, didn't I?) and to tell u frankly, I was excited for 'proof' for his claim. Afterall, being my godfather, he's been really very encouraging. He shared what Father told him, after my prayer - "small step forward,great leap of faith". I tell you - it surprised me! Cos not even to you guys online, that I've disclosed my private conversation with God. Yet, these are the exact words which I've been putting to God as a 'challenge'. Coincident, you might say, but well..every thing happens for a reason. :) And what concluded my 'proof' is his sharing that the bond in this RCIA group is very strong. It really kinda 'put a full-stop' to my doubt. Cos that is another prayer I've been saying too, despite the 'huge' age gap. Ok, 2 conincidents happen at same time and I'm just too naive to connect them to God. Oh well, I can only pray that you'll experience God one day sooner.

That really made my day as I feel the cheer, joy and love in me. It's hard to explain..but it's like falling in love..yet I'm not in love with any person... It's strange, but everyone who saw/talked to me today feels 'something wrong' with me.. :P Not that I'm crazy or mad, just the joy I tried to share with them in a rainy gloomy morning (esp end of week is our stress period with "week-end closings")... never mind if you don't understand... just take it that I AM VERY VERY HAPPY!

To my surprise, I received a sms from B in the afternoon. Of course, I didn't realise it till end of work..And to my greater surprise, I naturally picked up the phone to return his call!!! Trust me, i've tried to stop my actions, tried to reason it out with myself.. It got through and he answered!! You really cannot imagine the joy+fear I had when I heard his voice! NO joke, it's really joy+fear! Yet, I don't know how, but we were able to make small chats for some minutes (just like the time he came over to explain- I just hear myself chatting with him.) It really blew my mind off that I was able to do that! No kidding!! I cannot say I've recovered cos depression is not just depressing mood which can recover so fast by one's will. I simply listened to myself talking to him..

I was so 'immobilised' within myself that when he wanted to end, I cant be more 'glad' to. I quickly put the phone down and totally in awe of what happened. Another freaking action due to depression? But if it's just a freaky act of rush, how could I survive the chat without breaking down?

I really cant say anymore to thank God, cos He is SO REAL!! I know it's freaking, you might say 'Janet is going spiritually insane'..But I cant help it! Please trust me - I'm keeping myself in check from turning into a religious person.. but I cant help experiencing these 'bizzare' things! OK, it's either God or I'm really turning crazy.. But if I'm crazy, can I still survive the day and even blog it down now?

I'm not trying to preach.. but can somebody gives me a good explaination what I am experiencing? OK, for the scientific people, I have to tell you I went through 2 'deaths'. First -when I saw myself lying on the operation table, due to severe internal bleeding (fyi - I was rushed into ops room immediately and stayed 1mth in hospital); Second - my whole mind 'died' when B left me.. ... Now, someone explain to me - what and why am I going through these?

23 Apr 08 - My 1st closing prayer in RCIA

Dear all!
I cannot wait till tmr to tell you how happy I am! U know I've been asked to do the closing prayer for tonight's class.. Though I had 'experience' in saying public prayer, but this is really totally a CHALLENGE, both to my mental and faith.

I was 70% confident I could do it with God's Guidance, when I said 'yes' to my goddaddy's request. Then he posed me a qn which stumbled me "Have you written it down or are you saying then?".. I was like 'Ya, why didn't I think of writing it down, so I can have better control'.. Then I heard myself telling him, "I'll do it there, don't worry". ... How can I say that when I AM worried I might say the wrong words or stammering.. I was really amazed at my answer!

When class is closing, I kept praying in my heart "Holy Spirit, please give me the words to say, please" ... managed to keep myself from being nervous..

When I stood in front of the class, with the MICROPHONE (yes!! that's scary!), I nearly cried out 'God, help me to pray'. TO my surprise, words just came out from my mouth. Yes, I admit the first sentence is 'prepared' but the rest of it are not!.. Though it's a short prayer, but I'm trying to focus on prayer, while preventing myself from breaking down.

Well, I must say, it didn't turned out to be the 'expected' prayer as I hoping to say. But I really thank God for every words that came forth, and I pray this prayer will be reality into the hearts of everyone in class. Burn in us with the fire of Holy Spirit, teach us to love God and people fervently... (that's all I remember now)..

What an experience, indeed! I was totally 'helpless' in my physical, yet I feel the joy of doing. Confusing to understand?.. I guess so, cos I really don't know how to describe the 'joy+struggle'.

I really love God's Word even more now.. Not to be religious, but I simply love the Word of God! Heaven and earth will pass away but His Words last forever. You may call me 'freaking' but I really enjoy reading the Bible now more than before. They are not just recorded stories to me, but they are really mysteries and 'clues' how great God is!

"For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him" - Psa 103:11

"He performs wonders that cannot be fathomed, miracles that cannot be counted" - Job 5:9

23 Apr 08 - RCIA Today

Whew..so many things to tend the moment I stepped into office.. the 'price' of working with people from different time-zone :)

I'm supposed to prepare breakfsat for my office every Wed mornings, but today I'm just plain lazy.. But I feel kinda bad cos they're going for JP Morgan run this evening, should have at least 'feed' them with something..I'll make it up with a sumptous breakfast next wed. :) Am I going for the run? No - I've RCIA tonight, remember?

Wondering why I retired early last night? ..Good question, I guess I just love sleeping? :P TV is losing its appeal on me, I'd rather read my books and relaxing in my room.. If you've been in my room, you'll understand why my room is so condusive for lazing and sleeping - My Pride. :) But of course, I welcome friends to stay over too :) Just give me a call :P (*hey-this is a OPEN invitation!*)

Tonight has RCIA class..still praying for courage to say the closing prayer later. (Vincent asked me to do the closing prayer tonight, cos he feel the 'tag' in his spirit when he's praying )..See, that's why I con't understand what's God's thinking and doing.. Yes, i used to be able to lead a cell-group prayer, but now.. in my present condition, it's a HUGE challenge for me! Mind you, this RCIA class has more members than 4 cell-groups combined. Kinda freaking me out, just to think of it... Please pray for me - to keep calm and let Holy Spirit uses my mouth which will bring forth His Words.. If this is what His plan for me, I know I can do it with His Guidance. Amen!

"It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect." - Psa 18:32

22 Apr 08 - Setting goals

What a downpour this morning - I almost gave in to resting at home the whole day.. In the end, I ended up one of the sardines in MRT can. Though I'm late for official work-hr, but I simply took my leisure pace... enjoying the 'drift' of the morning crowd rush..

I'm still thinking about the issue on Love from yesterday.. Did I sound 'preaching' or spiritual? I hope not.. cos it's direct from my heart and thoughts, hope you'd understand anyway..

Couple of things I've to do as my counselling 'homework'..one of them is to set a goal for myself..Simple to you? I'm sure it is - everyone has a goal in mind for their daily lives..but not for someone who under depression..Like a baby, I am learning to get onto my knees to learn to crawl and walk. I know it sounds simple.. but every move of the process requires so much of me, as if i'm in a vicious battle. It's not easy, especially we do fall so many times while learning to move on.. Back to goal setting, I decided to commit myself to know God more (especially in my Bible reading and QT)..That's spiritual, and for my social, I want to learn guitar and Spanish..

Why spanish? Cos I've always like Spanish, but never have the determination to learn the language. Why not French or ..something more conversational? Firstly I'm against the idea of learning language becos of its economic value..To me, language is a reflection of society culture and history, which is so much valuable than $$ itself..And I've always like ancient language - Latin. Spanish is fragments of Latin as the full Latin language is so profound that it'll require years of language studies. So, I'm taking a 'shortcut' to understand bits of Latin.

Sounds like a lot of things to occupy my time, but I have to work it out with my counsellor..She's like my mental 'mother', helping me to priortise and tracking my progress..I really thank God that my case is assigned to her, when I was so desperately in need of professional support. She is ever so supportive and patient (I am always the impatient one on my recovery).

Looking back now..(gathering my courage to look back), I really don't understand why and how things could go so terribly 'out-of-plan'..But, I thank God for His blessings and guidance in this path..Have you heard of the story - "Footprints"? I really feel it in my heart and so thankful for Jesus who carried me through, even though I do not feel Him..Whether I like it or not, He just pick me up and carry me all through..How great Thou Art!

"There are times in your life where you see only 1 set of footprints, suggesting that you are alone in the walk. But no, My child, it was I who carried you when you couldn't walk, hence you only see 1 set of footprints."

21 Apr 08 - God loves me very much??

Can i share something which freaks me out early this morning?

My godfather got the message that God really loves me very much while intervening for me in his prayers..Ya, you might say it's usual for Christian to say that, especially to the one they love. But when he says it, I just feel the assurance, the love...this is not just a normal pleasant greeting..This is a timed greeting.

I was so so tired of my struggle that I really THREW everything unto God during the retreat. I'm so fed-up cos I really don't understand what God is trying to show me.. How I wish i could heck-care of my life instead of the constant challenge to balance on this thin line of faith and logic. I simply had enough - I'm going crazy!!

It is with this scream of my heart that I 'challenged' God. I cannot deny the peace, signs and the friends He showed me in my prayers for this relationship with B. Even before my depression, He gave me such peace and assurance that this relationship is blessed. Yet, I do not understand why things still happened to this 'blessing', in such short notice! It's not that I cannot accept the reality, but I can't deny what happened yet i cant explain what's happening.. (see how I can become really crazy?) I'm really so tired of trying to let go, and trying to logic things out in order for me to let go.. (trust me-I'm really screaming crazily) Now, I want to throw everything unto God - If He meant us to be, He'll make a way even when it seems no way. I simply do not have the energy to think anymore..

I am afriad of praying cos the presence is so real yet i cant explain. I really cannot see His Works..it's so so so hard to trust His Heart,esp in this situation. The book of Job keeps coming to me and inspiring me - how he lost everything and everyone he loves in 1 day, the deep depression he was in, the 'sanity' of his mind to trust God in that situation.. the bible stories sound so frictional, yet I know it's TRUE LIFE ACCOUNTS. How can it be possible? How can Job survive the mental torture to trust God in the midst of his depression. NOTHING, Nothing at all in reality is in favour for any reason to trust God for his blessings..How can you call depression a blessing, when it's really a mental torture? You might even say it's self-dellusion, or self-deception, escape from reality.. But in the end, God favours Job's faith and blessed him back in double portion.. How on earth was Job able to do trust God-he cant possibly know for sure if God is going to bless him back..

The only answer i can logic it out is Faith. What a faith Job had, what a faith Mary had... despite what the reality is telling them to do logically, they illogically turn to God and trust Him. That's is Faith? Blind faith is believing what God will do as your prayers, without you seeking His will. But being rational, how do we know what's His will? .. .. It all voices down to Trust in Love..

Someone told me this before "the child love his parents, but could never love more than they love him." This is God's love to us... We've been talking about having faith in God, but what we really need to know is His Love for us. He is indeed our Abba Father! Though we have not seen Him, yet He knew every one of us before we were even formed in the womb. Confusing?.. it's not.. it's just the Power of love..

"Janet, God loves you very much." I really don't understand why, and how..Is this His way of showing His love for me? Having me put through all the trials in my love relationships, though what I truly and only desire is to have a simple love and support my family for Christ's glory? Why others are able to be blessed with such smooth sailing love relationship? No answer - No one can answer, except Heavenly Father. With thanksgiving and grateful heart, I thank God for seeing me through all these trials, being with me all these while, even right now. I do not understand His reasons for all these tortures but I know my Lord is hurting so much more than me, cos of His great love for me. He will reveal His reasons to me one day...

" Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love" - Lamentations 3:32

20 Apr 08 - RCIA 1st Retreat

Hard to believe I'm still in RCIA, I even truly enjoyed the 1st 2-days retreat today! I cant help wondering if this is God's planning.. all along I felt the prompt towards CTK church, yet in order to make 'travelling easier for B', I chose to attend HS-RCIA instead.. Well, I must say, I made a mess for myself.. I couldn't understand nor flow with HS-RCIA approach, and felt so much of a 'outsider'..I know, you will say RCIA is the same everywhere.. trust me, it's really different 'culture' if i may put it this way..

Being of a charismatic background, I tend to be more 'direct' and 'out-spoken'..I really dont like the word 'Protestant' when we are merely different parts of the same Body. In fact, the early Christians do not even have this labelling.. I thank God that CTK-RCIA seems to be tailored for me. It didn't start off with discussion on adoration of saints and Mary etc, but it went straight to the Bible, the church history and the practices (remember? I'm a very theology person - I simply enjoy tracking back church history and even latin reference to Bible).. Every questions are answered so specifically without me asking..Even the Father is so open to discuss the different doctrines in Christianity! I just feel so "at home" in CTK RCIA, right from the start..

"Just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, so in Christ we who are many form one body, and each member belongs to all the others" Rom 12:4-5

I still remember the first RCIA class on 13Feb - I was looking forward for it since Jan08, yet that very day I had a very bad depression attack.. real bad.. so bad that I could not step out of my room the whole day..so bad that I had to sms the RCIA facilitor that I'm not in good mental state to join this journey, perhaps I should withdraw myself.. But I thank God for his reply - he really was ' push' factor to get me out of my house.. Yet, that night I was so afriad of people that I sat in a corner, praying for peace in my heart n fighting to control myself, throughout the whole 2hrs.. I can still remember the fear that night.. God must be with me in this journey that I can 'survived' this day and looking forward for RCIA each week.. I really didn't start it well, but I know God is watching over me and I will complete it with Him..

How time flies..I'm approaching Rite of Acceptance now and even helping fellow-mates to understand the Bible, helping in Bible reading (Me?! giving bible reading - can u believe that?) and bridging the views why people think Catholics are 'worshipping' Mary.. Though the materials in this journey is so theological, but I'm so glad that even these unchurched are open and have the fervency for Word of God n Prayer life! It's really amazing how God works - such 'profound' theology for those really new inquiriers who knew nothing about Christianity at all, yet they are so on fire. And I'm not talking about young people on fire! They are really matured working class, above 35yrs old! Usually people will fall out during the journey, but in this journey, not only we have a record-breaking of 50 inquirers, we also maintain a lowest fall-out ratio. I'm so glad I took up Vincent's advice to start this journey with them..

I do have to confess EVERY wednesday I have to struggle to attend RCIA, though I know I'd enjoy it. Not just the work fatigue, but I'm also fighting the strong mental urge to 'just stay at home'..Taking this retreat for example, I was SO PREPARED with excuses not to attend, esp I had a sudden bad flu on Fri and I'm the only inquirer from my group to attend this retreat..Trust me, I'm certainly not comfortable being the 'only inquirer' of the group.. All I wished is rest and laze at home this weekend.. Yet, I found myself standing outside CTK at 1.30pm, being the first to register..Thinking back,everything went so smoothly for this retreat weekend - my students cancelled their tuitions, so I need not 'apply leave' from them; my mum woke me up so timely in the morning; and my dad offered to give me a ride to church.. hence, i was one of the earliest..though i really didn't feel like going for retreat..

It's just amazing how God works-Nothing can change unless God is willing. Despite my morning struggle, I really enjoyed myself, spiritually and socially, from this retreat. Somehow I know I'll be joining RCIA next year as a Sponsor to help this ministry to integrate inquirers. It's so strange - I was so 'anti-Catholic' yet now I find myself happily planted in CTK, with a desire to help others intergrate! Maybe that's how St Paul felt when he converted from church-prosecuter to church-proclaimer..

I really don't understand what God is trying to direct me or say to me.. But I know He is with me - that's all that matters, isn't it? I can't understand the peace when I was crying over my relationship with B, the signs which direct me to cross-over in my most difficult time..I simply don't understand what happened, what's happening and what's going to happen.. I'm really groping in the dark now, only to know God is with me. Many a times, I'm not even sure what I'm doing is right or wrong, yet I just do it. And it will turn out well.. A puppet, you may say..perhaps, cos afterall, I'm not God - just the Creator's creation. He knew me, even before I was formed in my mother's womb. I just have to trust Him, let His rod and staff comfort me..

"So let us not become tried of doing good; for if we do not give up, the time will come when we will reap the harvest" - Gal 6:9

16 Apr 08 - Another dip??

Decided to start my blogging again. Partly cos i cant take the pressure of this battle anymore..partly i don't know who i can turn to.. who'll understand what is depression, esp the stigma is "mindset problem" when it's not. It's more than mindset, trust me!

I was on MC yesterday, tired from all struggle - mentally and physically. Did nothing, just read a book.. a good book i must say. "Ways to understand Depression" This book is so so true! True depression cannot be whisked off with will. We know what we should do, trying hard to do with all our strength.. even the simplest job now requires such tremendous effort..Sigh.. doubt u people understand the difference of depressed and depression. .. never mind, if you wan to read this book, i glad lend to you.

Coming back to my ytd - it was real relaxing..esp the whole family is staying at home.. I like this feeling of "home"... just a cup of tea n a good book, with my family around.. that is a great way to spend the day!

Despite of all the 'joy' i had, my heart was racing fast ytd... still miss B, but I just want him to be happy.. to love is to let go? i'm not that noble, but i just have to do it.. see - this is alredy a struggle itself. Will there be anyone who can fulfil my 5 requirements again? Even if there is, will i be able to accept?? NO... deep in my heart, i know I won't. It's not just fear, but also tiredness.. I had enough of this game..God, be my Guide- what happened I do not know, what's happening I do not understand, what's going to happen I dare not think.. I just hope I can stable myself, my thoughts, my mood... i have to..

11 Apr 08 - What is depression

I'm sure everyone know how being depressed feels like.. but I can tell u with such certainty that being in depression is so much so much different from being depressed.

Many people think depression = mental and emotional state of depress, but how wrong they are, including me.. I used to think that way too..I did cry when i'm depressed.. thought i was into depression.. till I am actually IN depression now..

For those who have not gone through, please DO NOT TRY. It's a horrible illness! I call it illness cos it's really is! We are so normal in our daily lives, we laugh, we joke, we make friends, doing what we do every day.. Yet, there's a constant battle in our mind, a battle we know we cannot afford to lose, yet our strength is so limited compared to its power. Being alone in our thoughts can really cause us to lose this battle, even though we are in party or with friends..

It's so horrible having to fight yourself against yourself. Yes, you may say it's a mindset thingy.. but I can tell u, it's not. In our mind, we are rationale, knowing life still goes on and so must we.. we fell, we pick ourselves up and we move on.. it's so logical and "right-thing-to-do".. But our response to our "logic" is so uncontrollable.. trust me, I know everything of what my family, counsellor and friends urge me to do - the "right thing".. I also want to do the right thing.. but I just cannot control my response.. I need to keep myself on 24hrs guard to 'control' myself, it's so tiring.. it's no wonder people like us think of suicide cos we really trying hard to fight this uncontrollable battle inside, but we do not know how long it'll last.. it's so taxing - both on mental and physical. We have to equip ourselves with 'weapons' and 'strength' to fight 24-7, even in our sleep.

I really don't know how long can I last in this war.. I find myself weaker each day now.. Though I don't want to think about anything, just taking things as they are now....but it doesn't leave me...I know i have to be patient with myself.. but every time i succeed in overcoming one area, it'll attack another.. I'm so tired of this battle.. Why cant the doctor just announce me as 'Crazy' so at least I do not need to fight all these and facing the daily routine stress to be normal? I'd rather be locked up in hospital..I just have to follow the rountine issued by doctor each day and be a zombie..

Yet, for sake of myself, my family and my friends, i have to fight on... Oh Lord, how long will this last? Logically, it will last as long as i'm holding on.. but i'm willing to let go everything.. I love B for coming into my life and forgive B for leaving my life.. I just dont want anyone to be unhappy, like i always tell him just do it as long as u r happy, as long as B is happy..

Guoqiang warned me long before this relationship started.. I should be listened.. so now i'm willing to bear the consequence.. I jst don't know i'd be in this depression thing - it's so much to bear... Qiang..where are you? I'm sorry..

11 April 08 - Restarting my voice

i've been doing well past months.. not being religious but i must thank God for His strength in this path.. It's not easy, but i know all things are possible with God..

Had my meeting w my counsellor again..I'm just amazed of my progress as she tracked it down from the starting point.. I know it's not my strength, i'm not that 'noble' or strong to fight this constant battle, but it seems that i've been fighting well.. from the pit, i've stood up...now it is time to learn to stand firm n stable.. like a baby learning to walk..

She keeps telling me i've to be patient with myself, which itself is a struggle for me. So much happened, so much have changed.. i'm just not the J who could pick herself from any fall like before.. Maybe it's a lesson for me, maybe it's just a trial.. Whichever, I know i have to go through life - from pit to greatness (Osman Hillman).

Things which I used to take for granted - fall,stand up,balance myself,walk again.. actions which can be done in such smooth flow and reflex, are now such a long journey for me.. Everytime i look at kids now, encourage me to keep trying.. When there's a will, there's a way..Just have to keep doing, doing and doing till I'm able to stand..