11 Apr 08 - What is depression

I'm sure everyone know how being depressed feels like.. but I can tell u with such certainty that being in depression is so much so much different from being depressed.

Many people think depression = mental and emotional state of depress, but how wrong they are, including me.. I used to think that way too..I did cry when i'm depressed.. thought i was into depression.. till I am actually IN depression now..

For those who have not gone through, please DO NOT TRY. It's a horrible illness! I call it illness cos it's really is! We are so normal in our daily lives, we laugh, we joke, we make friends, doing what we do every day.. Yet, there's a constant battle in our mind, a battle we know we cannot afford to lose, yet our strength is so limited compared to its power. Being alone in our thoughts can really cause us to lose this battle, even though we are in party or with friends..

It's so horrible having to fight yourself against yourself. Yes, you may say it's a mindset thingy.. but I can tell u, it's not. In our mind, we are rationale, knowing life still goes on and so must we.. we fell, we pick ourselves up and we move on.. it's so logical and "right-thing-to-do".. But our response to our "logic" is so uncontrollable.. trust me, I know everything of what my family, counsellor and friends urge me to do - the "right thing".. I also want to do the right thing.. but I just cannot control my response.. I need to keep myself on 24hrs guard to 'control' myself, it's so tiring.. it's no wonder people like us think of suicide cos we really trying hard to fight this uncontrollable battle inside, but we do not know how long it'll last.. it's so taxing - both on mental and physical. We have to equip ourselves with 'weapons' and 'strength' to fight 24-7, even in our sleep.

I really don't know how long can I last in this war.. I find myself weaker each day now.. Though I don't want to think about anything, just taking things as they are now....but it doesn't leave me...I know i have to be patient with myself.. but every time i succeed in overcoming one area, it'll attack another.. I'm so tired of this battle.. Why cant the doctor just announce me as 'Crazy' so at least I do not need to fight all these and facing the daily routine stress to be normal? I'd rather be locked up in hospital..I just have to follow the rountine issued by doctor each day and be a zombie..

Yet, for sake of myself, my family and my friends, i have to fight on... Oh Lord, how long will this last? Logically, it will last as long as i'm holding on.. but i'm willing to let go everything.. I love B for coming into my life and forgive B for leaving my life.. I just dont want anyone to be unhappy, like i always tell him just do it as long as u r happy, as long as B is happy..

Guoqiang warned me long before this relationship started.. I should be listened.. so now i'm willing to bear the consequence.. I jst don't know i'd be in this depression thing - it's so much to bear... Qiang..where are you? I'm sorry..