21 Apr 08 - God loves me very much??

Can i share something which freaks me out early this morning?

My godfather got the message that God really loves me very much while intervening for me in his prayers..Ya, you might say it's usual for Christian to say that, especially to the one they love. But when he says it, I just feel the assurance, the love...this is not just a normal pleasant greeting..This is a timed greeting.

I was so so tired of my struggle that I really THREW everything unto God during the retreat. I'm so fed-up cos I really don't understand what God is trying to show me.. How I wish i could heck-care of my life instead of the constant challenge to balance on this thin line of faith and logic. I simply had enough - I'm going crazy!!

It is with this scream of my heart that I 'challenged' God. I cannot deny the peace, signs and the friends He showed me in my prayers for this relationship with B. Even before my depression, He gave me such peace and assurance that this relationship is blessed. Yet, I do not understand why things still happened to this 'blessing', in such short notice! It's not that I cannot accept the reality, but I can't deny what happened yet i cant explain what's happening.. (see how I can become really crazy?) I'm really so tired of trying to let go, and trying to logic things out in order for me to let go.. (trust me-I'm really screaming crazily) Now, I want to throw everything unto God - If He meant us to be, He'll make a way even when it seems no way. I simply do not have the energy to think anymore..

I am afriad of praying cos the presence is so real yet i cant explain. I really cannot see His Works..it's so so so hard to trust His Heart,esp in this situation. The book of Job keeps coming to me and inspiring me - how he lost everything and everyone he loves in 1 day, the deep depression he was in, the 'sanity' of his mind to trust God in that situation.. the bible stories sound so frictional, yet I know it's TRUE LIFE ACCOUNTS. How can it be possible? How can Job survive the mental torture to trust God in the midst of his depression. NOTHING, Nothing at all in reality is in favour for any reason to trust God for his blessings..How can you call depression a blessing, when it's really a mental torture? You might even say it's self-dellusion, or self-deception, escape from reality.. But in the end, God favours Job's faith and blessed him back in double portion.. How on earth was Job able to do trust God-he cant possibly know for sure if God is going to bless him back..

The only answer i can logic it out is Faith. What a faith Job had, what a faith Mary had... despite what the reality is telling them to do logically, they illogically turn to God and trust Him. That's is Faith? Blind faith is believing what God will do as your prayers, without you seeking His will. But being rational, how do we know what's His will? .. .. It all voices down to Trust in Love..

Someone told me this before "the child love his parents, but could never love more than they love him." This is God's love to us... We've been talking about having faith in God, but what we really need to know is His Love for us. He is indeed our Abba Father! Though we have not seen Him, yet He knew every one of us before we were even formed in the womb. Confusing?.. it's not.. it's just the Power of love..

"Janet, God loves you very much." I really don't understand why, and how..Is this His way of showing His love for me? Having me put through all the trials in my love relationships, though what I truly and only desire is to have a simple love and support my family for Christ's glory? Why others are able to be blessed with such smooth sailing love relationship? No answer - No one can answer, except Heavenly Father. With thanksgiving and grateful heart, I thank God for seeing me through all these trials, being with me all these while, even right now. I do not understand His reasons for all these tortures but I know my Lord is hurting so much more than me, cos of His great love for me. He will reveal His reasons to me one day...

" Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love" - Lamentations 3:32