20 Apr 08 - RCIA 1st Retreat

Hard to believe I'm still in RCIA, I even truly enjoyed the 1st 2-days retreat today! I cant help wondering if this is God's planning.. all along I felt the prompt towards CTK church, yet in order to make 'travelling easier for B', I chose to attend HS-RCIA instead.. Well, I must say, I made a mess for myself.. I couldn't understand nor flow with HS-RCIA approach, and felt so much of a 'outsider'..I know, you will say RCIA is the same everywhere.. trust me, it's really different 'culture' if i may put it this way..

Being of a charismatic background, I tend to be more 'direct' and 'out-spoken'..I really dont like the word 'Protestant' when we are merely different parts of the same Body. In fact, the early Christians do not even have this labelling.. I thank God that CTK-RCIA seems to be tailored for me. It didn't start off with discussion on adoration of saints and Mary etc, but it went straight to the Bible, the church history and the practices (remember? I'm a very theology person - I simply enjoy tracking back church history and even latin reference to Bible).. Every questions are answered so specifically without me asking..Even the Father is so open to discuss the different doctrines in Christianity! I just feel so "at home" in CTK RCIA, right from the start..

"Just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, so in Christ we who are many form one body, and each member belongs to all the others" Rom 12:4-5

I still remember the first RCIA class on 13Feb - I was looking forward for it since Jan08, yet that very day I had a very bad depression attack.. real bad.. so bad that I could not step out of my room the whole day..so bad that I had to sms the RCIA facilitor that I'm not in good mental state to join this journey, perhaps I should withdraw myself.. But I thank God for his reply - he really was ' push' factor to get me out of my house.. Yet, that night I was so afriad of people that I sat in a corner, praying for peace in my heart n fighting to control myself, throughout the whole 2hrs.. I can still remember the fear that night.. God must be with me in this journey that I can 'survived' this day and looking forward for RCIA each week.. I really didn't start it well, but I know God is watching over me and I will complete it with Him..

How time flies..I'm approaching Rite of Acceptance now and even helping fellow-mates to understand the Bible, helping in Bible reading (Me?! giving bible reading - can u believe that?) and bridging the views why people think Catholics are 'worshipping' Mary.. Though the materials in this journey is so theological, but I'm so glad that even these unchurched are open and have the fervency for Word of God n Prayer life! It's really amazing how God works - such 'profound' theology for those really new inquiriers who knew nothing about Christianity at all, yet they are so on fire. And I'm not talking about young people on fire! They are really matured working class, above 35yrs old! Usually people will fall out during the journey, but in this journey, not only we have a record-breaking of 50 inquirers, we also maintain a lowest fall-out ratio. I'm so glad I took up Vincent's advice to start this journey with them..

I do have to confess EVERY wednesday I have to struggle to attend RCIA, though I know I'd enjoy it. Not just the work fatigue, but I'm also fighting the strong mental urge to 'just stay at home'..Taking this retreat for example, I was SO PREPARED with excuses not to attend, esp I had a sudden bad flu on Fri and I'm the only inquirer from my group to attend this retreat..Trust me, I'm certainly not comfortable being the 'only inquirer' of the group.. All I wished is rest and laze at home this weekend.. Yet, I found myself standing outside CTK at 1.30pm, being the first to register..Thinking back,everything went so smoothly for this retreat weekend - my students cancelled their tuitions, so I need not 'apply leave' from them; my mum woke me up so timely in the morning; and my dad offered to give me a ride to church.. hence, i was one of the earliest..though i really didn't feel like going for retreat..

It's just amazing how God works-Nothing can change unless God is willing. Despite my morning struggle, I really enjoyed myself, spiritually and socially, from this retreat. Somehow I know I'll be joining RCIA next year as a Sponsor to help this ministry to integrate inquirers. It's so strange - I was so 'anti-Catholic' yet now I find myself happily planted in CTK, with a desire to help others intergrate! Maybe that's how St Paul felt when he converted from church-prosecuter to church-proclaimer..

I really don't understand what God is trying to direct me or say to me.. But I know He is with me - that's all that matters, isn't it? I can't understand the peace when I was crying over my relationship with B, the signs which direct me to cross-over in my most difficult time..I simply don't understand what happened, what's happening and what's going to happen.. I'm really groping in the dark now, only to know God is with me. Many a times, I'm not even sure what I'm doing is right or wrong, yet I just do it. And it will turn out well.. A puppet, you may say..perhaps, cos afterall, I'm not God - just the Creator's creation. He knew me, even before I was formed in my mother's womb. I just have to trust Him, let His rod and staff comfort me..

"So let us not become tried of doing good; for if we do not give up, the time will come when we will reap the harvest" - Gal 6:9