29 Apr 08 - Physical darkness

I just had the most joyous experience, followed by horrible fear..

Last Friday, I was struggling in my heart to choose between my passion (Salsa dance) and church (youth ministry). I know I have to focus on RCIA journey, before I get 'involved' into any ministry. But I cant help having the 'tag' to forgo my dance and possible chillout with my friends, for the prayer meeting... Well, in the end, I gave in to this tag of the Spirit.

I'd NEVER regret or forget that prayer meeting!! The moment I stepped CSC, though I'm alone, I felt at home, so at ease..Got to know some friends and they are just so nice! SO unbelievable..feel just 'at home' with them..When the praise and worship started, nothing else matters anymore..not even the people sitting beside me.. the presence of God is so strong in our midst - I can just touch Him! It's just so happened to be 'intercessary' meeting..The flow of the Spirit is so strong and so undescribable! Even after the meeting, God just sends people of same vision and such faith to 'pump' me up! It's really surprising how God works, everything just 'so pre-arranged' if we could just follow Him! That night, I know i'm no longer in depression anymore because of the Joy in my heart! Nothing can take away this joy that I have! It's totally mind-blowing!! ... finally I was able to sleep with a smile, with the love and assurance....

Sunday 27Apr - My 'darkness' falls.. For no apparent reason, out of vanity, I decided to wear my contact lenses for Mass. Trust me, I'm really not a fan of 'contact lense' unless special occasion, think of the dread of cleaning after use...But that morning, though it's just for an hr's Mass, I thought of 'being my best'..The moment I put 1 lense on, it STUNG my eye with such burning fire! So painful that I cant even open my eye! Took me a while before I can pull it out..my eye was so RED!

My eyes are quite sensitive, hence such experience is quite normal to me. Just as I thought I cant attend Mass with this state, instinct told me to pray.. So I did, and I was able to attend Mass WITHOUT any irritation at all! It was till my friends asked about my eye that I remembered of the morning incident..Feeling ok, I did my routine and took a nap.

Horror of horrors, I simple cannot open my eyes after my nap! After applying 'eye-mo' and washing my eye several times, I could only open for that few seconds before the pain returned. I knew I had to consult doctor-took a fast ride fr my dad to the nearest 24hr clinic. While waiting, the pain just don't give up.. I had to grope my way around the clinic as my dad was not with me. Even being blindfolded is not as dark as this! Best still, the doctor said he cannot help and had to direct me to hospital A&E! I was really shocked - it's just a infection! Usually I just get some eye-drops to clear it off, that's all.. True - he gave me my normal eye-drop after my insistence, it really didn't help at all! I still cannot open my eye!

When prayers and did-what-I-could didn't help, I had to give in to 'reality' and rushed to hospital A&E with my sister. All through the journey, the registration, the wait, my eye was really so painful that I was really whining loud! (ask my sister-she vouch for me) So loud that she had to tell me to shut up as people are looking at me! (yes, imagine a 30yrs old whining loud that her eye is so hurtful..you get the picture). Of course, I cannot see their reaction, it's all depending on the voices and sounds I heard, beside my sis's constant 'jokes' as comfort..Trust me, pain in the eye is really NOT something you can bear with - no matter how strong your pain threshold is.

To make matter worse, the eye specialist on duty was making her rounds - it took her more than 1hr to return! The agony and wait really materialised my fear of being blind.. When she finally returned, I got a 'scolding' that I should not whine so much cos I'm a big girl now.. What best thing to hear, after my anxious, pain-bearing wait!!

When I finally open my eye, after her 'powerful' eye-drops, I was SO HAPPY! I can SEE!! But the effect only lasted for half hr, just enough for her examination! Very promptly, the pain returns and I'm back to darkness! What a horrible experience - NEVER UNDERESTIMATE INFECTION! You'll be living in dark when you are least expected!

Basically, I could only fully open my eyes today (2nd day of MC). It's really quite an experience to be in the dark for so long.. Went for follow-up, and had to return to consultation again on Fri.. I'll never underestimate the power of infection again..How fragile is every part of my body and how I've taken God's creations for granted...