Cant help thinking about my life after my blog last night -- it's full of trials.. and I don't understand why!!
Things started challenging in my Sec4..'Turning point' indeed. GCE+TH+JC+strong prosecution..quite a few major events in limited period.. experienced joy-fire-peace-struggle-guilt-murder-death-heartbreak-dispair-suidical thoughts.. It's amazing how I survived that 4 years, coming in-n-out of hospital so frequently..my health is so much affected even till now..
Then another 4 yrs of individualism-hopeful-murder-heartbreak..And another 4yrs cycle to go through another death of my life, to be where I am now.. To be honest, I'm freaking scare of relationship, of another 4yrs.. B used to say I'm superstitious (#4 is my favourite yet most fearful). I did reflect on myself, why things fall apart every 4yrs..but things just happened as just when we were planning for marriage.. I'm the pressure and cause for their withrdrawal? If so, why did they take inititaive to plan, to promise, to return etc..taking me as training ground??
To those scientific people, my experiences lead me towards depression and so here I am. But everything happens for a reason, in God's time, I just dont understand why me.. when all I want is to be someone whom I love and he is willing to commit to love. I'm willing to go through thick and thin with him, with the Love we have...Sounds too frictional, too noble? It's true - ask B if you have chance. My expectation is really simple - love with all your heart and commit with your life. That's natural in loving a person, is it not?
Vincent told me this morning that life is about trials. Jesus had gone through the greatest trial cos of His Love for us. We need to carry our cross daily to follow Him, trust Him to go through with us... Sounds simple, right? Keep praying for me...I'm still learning to let Jesus be pilot of my life..
"Then he called the crowd to him along with his disciples and said: "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me and for the gospel will save it." - Matt 8:34-35
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