My love - B

My story..

I love B very much, in fact still does. We had been together for 4yrs and were planning into marriage just 3 months ago. I was the happiest person on earth when he told my mum he has prayed and confirmed I'm the one for him, we'll go through ups and downs on this tough path together. I know he's a faithful man who trust God. He's not a man who gives any promise,unless he's certain. He's a man of his words..I love him so much and put in all my love and effort..I was really so blessed by his return, God's blessing to me..

I started to get busy in work-working from 8.30 to even 11pm. I even have to work late on Saturdays. I'm very unhappy at work and i know it's not healthy for our relationship..I've not been spending time with him..

On 22Dec07, I'm supposed to join his church group for Christmas gathering. I had to work on that day..I worked without realising it's already 9.30pm while the party start at 7pm..I was sad cos he never call or sms me to follow-up with me,if i'm joining. I called and he's not answering..my heart just sank even lower. I sms him in my frustration 'if u dun wan me to join,just say so'..and i never hear from him till...

On 29Dec07,he finally want to meet up,to work things out. We met in AMK central,we said our perspectives on this slience and i'm looking forward to work things out.He said he sms me Christmas greetings, but I didn't respond..he sms to my terminated number so I didn't receive on my new number...he knew i've terminated the old number..I though all's cleared till he sat back and thought to himself..then he said he might not be ready,dun wan to waste my time..he wanted to break up with me and he walked away. What is this? We are supposed to work things out.. why the ending.. I called on his mobile.. seeking for reconcilation.. I asked him 'did you make the love commitment out of love or obligation? he answered 'out of love''.. then why cant we work things out since we love each other.. He said he needs time to consider..

During the period, i tried to contact him to open him up but he just ignore me..I seek help from his mum...he's not opening to his mum too..once or twice i receive sms and email from him telling me to give him time and space,not to try to contact him..he had never been so closed up..it hurts so much,but i tried to give him space..i deleted his number from my phone..I pray and cry to God everyday.. i know i cannot open him up,no one can..Only God.... And He gave me such peace in my heart and all signs to tell me God is with me though B's not opening up...God is with me.I kept praying.. and everything just so flow -- mass messages on family acceptance,man's problem solving attitude of hiding in cave,keep perservance.. it just so flow..I really pray for God to open him up as I perserve,no matter how hard it is, and i pray even on the slimmest hope..

8Jan08 - he called..finally i hear his voice.. he want to take his clothes back..i was so afraid..i shivered so badly when he came.. he asked me why i'm shaking.i told him 'i'm scare you'll take away my memories'..in the end,he only took his sandals and left.. I insisted to walk him to bus-stop though the distance is short..I just want to see him,talk to him as casual as possible.. i don't want to add pressure to him as he's not opening to me yet...Before he boarded the bus,he told me 'I don't like sticky girls'.. I am not sticky!! Thoughout our 4yrs,I've never ask him where or who he's with.. he knows it.. I just wan to see him as long as I can,especially he's so closed up..

11Jan08 - I bought present for his mum's birthday and delivered to his house..he's at home,we had a talk.. it hurts cos he dun wan to open the door for me,if not for his dog who squeezed out of the gate to greet me..he asked me 'how have u been'.. and everything is so friend-friendly..but he just dun wan to talk about us cos he say I'm not listening..but I really want to listen..why is he tired?? but he's not talking..I just kneel and apologised for all i've done wrong..he said it's not my fault,he knows how much I love him..he just dun wan to talk abt us..he invited me to leave..

God knows how many nights and days i cried to Him, in Adoration room and even on buses..I know he's stressed, tired.. but why is he tired?? We can always work things out,we so love each other.. We had even sorted out our differences and planned which faith is for our family.. we had solutions for each concerns..

I'm so crushed..I dunno what to do..his mum cant help me,though she tried to ask him but he dropped the topic..I really want to know why teh sudden withdrawal and sudden decision,i know i cannot push him..i need to give him space..I really don't know what to do..

19Jan08 - i managed to calm down after Devotion prayer..prayed all the way to get my pooh bear from his house..No one's in..i left the new year gifts on his table.. took my bear..hope he'll realise i've taken.. don't know if he still cares..

20Jan08 - my virginal area suddenly cramped badly for more than 1hr.. in pain,i sms him to pray for me..he sms he'll pray and I called him.. his voice told me something changed... he doesn't care as much for me anymore.. but i still want to talk to him, to know what happened..I really want to listen..he say he feels peace after making the decision to walk out that day.all these years,he didn't really have this peace in him when he's with me..now he's happy with the peace and clear of his direction.. He don't want me to call him 'Darling' and don't even want me to pray for reconciliation..If I still harp about our love,he won't treat me even as a friend anymore..He says he cannot see me as his future wife.,he's scared of me....God! Why did he pray and confirm I'm teh one when he could have walked out 3 months ago!!?!? He could still affirm i'm the one for him,in front of my mum!! I really don't understand.. God,I really don't understand.. He say he needs time and space and I gave him time and space! My heart is so crushed..so hurt..very hurt...i really love him with all i have..
I tried to pick myself up.. talked to him as casually as possible as a friend-the only link to him now...talked about Protestants and Catholic faith..he's reading a book on this..He now understand why i've been asking those challenging questions and is more affirmed in his faith..I really enjoy talking to him.. just to hear his voice.. the pain vanished..

21Jan08 - he sms me 'i'm already in the future,u shld not stay in the past' My heart just crushed again.. After last night,I know i have to move on..but all these while i'm waiting for him to open up..how much i want to work things out with him.. he just closed up,keep saying i'm not listening and only choose what i want to listen, he just refused to talk to me...I only can stand firm in our love and pray.. i don't want to break up.. we made teh love promise to each other,knowing it's not easy road to take... it's not easy to move on,though i pray....I really gave him all i have.. my last hope in love.. How can he be in the future when he said he need time and space to think all these while? Why and how can a person change so suddenly.. where is my B who love me so much,who promised to walk this path with me though we know it'll be tough,who promised his shoulder will always be here when I cry,who promised he won't bring me through this hurt again.. God where is he??? Who is this person using his body now?? How can he not have compassion on me,even as a friend as he wanted me to be? Have mercy on me.. where is my lovely B who has a heart of love.He won't crush a wounded spirit,even as a friend... where is he??..How can he 'feel peace' and dishonour his words now.. where is the B who guards his tongue and believe in Judgement..