23 Jan 08 - In the morning

8.45am - i woke up,realised my love is dead.. it hurts..it really hurts..I miss B so much,miss his smile,I miss his 'Good morning,darling' sms.. it hurts so much.. I fell into prayer,crying to God who alone has all the answers. Just like Job who lost everything in one day,made a widower suddenly.. I feel the same with him.. The thief has came to rob my joy,my B..I don't know where is he now..or will he ever come back..I can only consider him as dead,yet i still get to see him walking around..I cried so loud cos the pain is so great..But i still believe in Jesus who has indeed risen up from death and He's seated at the right hand of the Father. He'll come again to judge the lviing and the dead..I managed to complete my Rosary prayer in tears,so much tears..I know I should not hope for B's return,i might as well consider him be dead..but in my heart,I know I do hope for some Divine intercession,a miracle perhaps..I forgive him for not being around with me at this time..I love him so much,i will always be here if my B returns..

I know I have to move on and let God's will be done.. I don't know why my cross is so heavy..Have I been unrighteous? I confess all my sins to God,to my Godly friends cos I know I had to bring everything to His Light..Otherwise,the guilt of sin will still hold me inside.. In fact,I even confess our sin in this relationship, to God and to my sisters-in-Christ. I do not want to deal with guilt of sin alone in my heart...Am I silly to open myself as a book to others? No..I really want to be honest for I know God is watching everything,nothing can hide from Him. But why is my cross so heavy that I've to experience these again and again,each time it's more and more hurtful.. this time i'm so dead in love cos my love is dead..I don't even know this B who will be coming tomorrow to collect his stuff anymore.. I'm a widow..seeking all mercy from God and all around me..

I only can take a step at a time now..even if it's a very tiny step..have mercy on me..