Saturday, May 10, 2008

10 May 08 - It's not that bad...

I had a tough morning with my class - they just finished their exams and simply do not want to learn today. I can understand that attitude, but what I cant stand is their personal war against the only girl in class - Yanling. 4 of them are fast-learners, and my rapport with them is really great (so good that they even talk to me on their personal life - school and family) I'm really very blessed to have this class, really. But precisely they are smart, they have this 'internal' war of gender. Remember when we were young, the girls didn't like guys and vice versa? Well, it's the same with this class. The guys were making a din, trying to 'get rid' of Yanling. I really had a hard time getting their attention today. In the end, I gave up. I took away all my materials, and simply sat down there - talking to them like a 'grandmother'.. trying to reason with them on their behavious and attitude. I don't know if they really understand what I'm trying to say - about attitude and respect. But they seem to understand and voiced out their 'complaints'.. Suddenly I felt I was the 'psychologist' for kids, trying to put life's values into simple terms for them to understand.. It's just my personal belief that teaching is not just about academic, but also how they should prepare for life's challenges - not to be prideful / discriminating etc.. I was so tired at the end of my 2 lessons..

Once I stepped out of the class, I started to get anxious - so many things not done and I'm leaving tomorrow evening. Not a thing I've packed and I'm still trying to stablise myself to face this 'test of independence'. I wanted to attend Novena (part of my Saturday routine) but I know I cannot go so far from my house today, not today.. I ended up at home, just when my panic attack came. I really don't know what happened. I'm really trying to make life as simple as possible for me now - following my routine and simply no concern for time - taking my time as easy as I can. (I was VERY time consicious in the past.) I keep telling myself: 'what the worst can happen? Even if I'd to die on the road suddenly, I know God is with me. Nothing else is so important anymore, right?'.. But the attack still came.. Since I cannot fight it off, I decided to sleep..And it's so difficult to sleep! Kept having dreams and waking up in cold sweat..Subconsiciously, I told myself to relax and take a rest as much as I can, and my nap occupied 4hrs. I'm glad that my dogs are surprising quiet during my nap, resting themselves close to my sleeping position, as if they're guarding me. It's really not a relaxing nap for me.

The moment I woke up, logic and rationale came back to me. I had to find food, start my pre-packing, exchange money, and checking in for my flight etc.. It's reality that I have to face. A lot of things in mind, but I remember my counsellor's advice:One step at a time. So, I did some mental listing and mapping on where and what to do, planning my route to interchange as simple as possible. (I'm also under pressure of not-to-shop around, hence I really had to plan my route well) I simply forced myself to step out to do all these by myself.. really..

It was a tough struggle as I waited for bus and starting off this route. I even had a hard time, deciding what to eat. Simple scenario, yet tough decision. I kept telling myself to stay focused throughout this simple trip. that is how panic I am, ok? Well, to cut the story short.. I managed to complete my trip and being rationale on my spending. Towards the end of my trip, I getting proud of myself. Really. I started to realise it's not that hard to be alone afterall, just keep my life simple. To my surprise, I'm getting to enjoy my 'independence'. "What if I'm going to be single all my life, at least this is a preview for me"..Then I remember B..Maybe this is how he lived his life, being the only child in single-parent family.. Independence..This is his 'usual lifestyle' since he's young, yet I've to struggle to adapt. Life is just so strange..

By the time I reached home, I really enjoyed me being alone. I imagine myself in a foreign country, living by myself..It's not fun ok. Have to clean the house (esp with 2 dogs messing around), clear the rubbish, wash the dishes, clear laundry, find personal time to relax, spend time playing with dogs.. Now I understand how my mum feels - quite a lot to do in one day and that's her 'usual routine' after work. How amazing..

I find myself in this 'big' project for the next 4mths - to make my house as cosy as possible. No more messing, misplacing things. Clear up as I go. No more leaving it for tomorrow... After this project, I'd know if I can really live independently.. But one thing I know for sure- I'll still need pets in my house + a part-time maid. I really don't like to do the laundry + getting a maid can prevent me from being a hermit. The rest of the chores I'll manage myself. ..getting mentally prepared for single life.. (honestly, I'm really happy that I survive past hours and proud of myself for it.)

OK, now that I'm feeling better. I better go and bath and start my packing.. where's my passport...

No comments: