26 Jul 08 - Same vision with B

2 things which i reflected in this early morning (very late night)...

1)
I love dancing is a fact. but somehow.. i've lost the zeal for club dancing. Not because i've high expectations on the music flow and DJ mix. But when i open my eyes to see the crowd in the pubs, i really have this hope that one day they'll be crowding in church to dance in the Lord. What a religious view u might say. But what a magnificent sight to be!

I had this vision (shall i say 'push in the heart') since I was a wild club dancer(a very cheong-ster *hokkien language*). I was dancing on the upper floor, looking down at the people dancing wilding on the dance floor below. this qn came to my mind..what if this is not pub but church..seeing all of them dancing joyfully in the presence of Lord, in the House of God..How wonderful,right?

I shared this vision with B when we went dancing one night (fyi, B is a good dancer -few of men whom I've known deserves this compliment). Surprisingly, he also had the same vision. I didnt tell him how happy i was cos i was trying to justify that i had this vision way before he had it. but the truth is I AM HAPPY THAT WE SHARE THE SAME VISION!
perhaps that's why going to club dancing now always reminds me of B, and of this vision we shared. ... if only i had told him this..

2)
i have this gift of loving my boyfriend as who he is, n willing to give all my love just for him to be happy..someone told me i'm full of love.. i dunno why but guys always like me for this gift..and then they cannot cope when i'm in love with them. Lawrence is one, and B is another..

when Lawrence was wooing me, he knew how i treasure love cos TH just broke-off with me then. he really helped me to divert my affection from TH to him. Yet, after 3yr of relationship, he's unsure if he can handle my definition of love.

when B wooed me, i was still in the long distance rship with GQ. He saw how much I'm willing to give in for love, he knew my contemplation in deciding to move over Taiwan for GQ or to maintain our friendship as it was. That was the time B came into my life n i made the decision to stay in SG for him n also cut off my contacts with GQ..then ironically, it's him who decided to leave me cos he cannot handle or unsure if he can be the one for me.

(of course, there were a lot of practical and rationale reaons for not moving on in the rship with GQ. But it's really B who made me made the decision to stay. afterall i know i'll survive in Taiwan if GQ is the one for me - just as long as he is happy)

..i hope i've become wiser now..i do not like to share my love experiences with guys i know.. and even if they knew, i know i will be wise enough - not to mislead them and not to consider them for any relationship at all.

Perhaps i'm still waiting for B to return, perhaps i'm really tired of the hurt this 'gift' has brought me. perhaps one day God will reveal His way to me.. perhaps..