5 Jul 08 - Rev Mike Connell's blessing to my soul

God answers prayers, even when we don't feel (think) he's listening or around us. For past weeks, I was disappointed with myself for allowing myself in this spiritual roller-coaster ride..I know something is holding me back from my breakthrough,and to make thing worse, I actually 'somehow' know what is it that's holding me.. Why didn't I resolve it then? Maybe cos it's my fear of facing it, cos I know it'll cause pain in my heart again..I'd rather adopt the 'bear the current pain and i'll get over it' + 'build a wall to protect myself in future' attitude.

I know I have to let go..but I still love B alot,alot, miss him alot,alot..I even prayed that I'll meet him in my nightly dreams..though I still do not dare to face him in person.. I'll still read his sms (I've saved every of his assuring, loving sms and even 'good morning' greetings from the start of our relationship) and I'll wonder how is he going to account "my word is my bond", "i'll love u with God's love", "i will always love u darling"... It's like I've let go of the 95% yet holding onto the 5%..I'm confused by the discrepancy in the affirmation we had received for this relationship,and what's happening now.

This struggle is even more intense today..I felt the tag so strong in my heart during Novena,during my tuitions..Esp so when i was in my cab towards Rev Mike Connell's service in CHC. (To sidetrack a bit - My ex-cell member asked me if i like Rev Mike's preaching, cos i initiated joining out of a sudden.To be very frank, I don't even remember what's Mike Connnell's ministry is about..faith??healing??Revival??...I just dunno..I just feel like going..Anyway, Pastor Mike is like my spiritual grandfather. He's been mentoring Pastor Kong and the church since 1989)

Anyway..there I was rushing to Expo Hall 8 after my 3-5pm tuition, in a silver cab.. The journey seem so slow - traffic lights and slow-moving cars..I nearly got so frustrated, before I turned to God..(fyi, whenever I attend CHC service,somehow my journey to church will be full of delay factors which will frustrate me..but that's the more I know greater things are in stored for me in service. N I've learnt through years that the best response to traffic frustration is to turn to God) Back in my cab ride towards Expo, I heard His voice again..(why must this kind of experience always happen to me in cab?) I know I have to let go..totally..not with my strength but in His strength...

1st thanksgiving: I was able to reach church on time for 5.30 service, despite the long slow journey for the tight time allowance.
Really felt like back home again.though it's been so long since i attended CHC service,but i 'just know' where my cellgroup will be sitting..(fyi,seats in CHC are very hot and ursher are very firm- no reservation of seats 10mins before service, but if u dun ask ur cell to reserve,u might not have seat at all, esp for guest speaker's preaching). The moment I entered behind the curtains, the presence of God is already so strong..strong praise and worship, strong prayer languages..everyone is simply soaking and preparing themselves for a great time in the Lord. Totally awesome..nowhere I'd rather be than to be in His presence like this.

2nd thanksgiving: unexpected powerful ministering in the Spirit
Like i said, greater things awaits for me in service. Pastor Mike's simple message really speaks affirmation to my heart..The message I heard in my cab was totally affirmed by the preaching. Overcoming Disappointment - my hand was so busy taking down notes, I really want to take as much 'pebbles' as I can..Simply cant afford to miss anything in Spirit. You cannot imagine how blessed I am to receive this biblical teaching! It's just so timely! Too much of an coincident! I really dived in and drink as much as I can..nothing can distract me from drinking His living waters..His Word to my soul.

3rd thanksgiving: very supportive and strong discipleship cell - N277
it's been so long since i spent time with my cell..in fact, I was quite hesitant to share cos some may not understand why I crossed over.. But God is good! in fact, He is GREAT! No one felt any 'gap' at all, it's as if I've always been with them. Talk about quality fellowship - we really share our lives n edify with one another in the Word! I really love this kind of fellowship, Godly fellowship...Food, chatting and catching-up become so minor when we share God's promises and revelation with one another, reminding and encouraging through God's everlasting words.

I thank God for Valerie - she is such a strong leader in Spiritual matters (u cannot believe how i used to have discipleship issues with her when i first joined the cell, she is really that strong! It required God to speak to me so sternly before I could submit myself willingly under her discipleship) Though she is stern, but she is a woman of vision too. She really cares for her sheep (us) so much that sometimes she'll rather incovenient herself and take the burden on her own shoulders (even when she's pregnant). What a spirit of leadership!

I thank God for Delia - my knowledgeable, firm yet ever soft-spoken sister. We didn't really know each other for long, but the connection we share is really.. she is my sister! I really look up to her. I guess, besides my spiritual leader whom I have to give accountability to, Delia is one I'll for sure keep her updated on my life, be it personal or spiritual. She does not have to reply or say much, but you know she is listening with her heart.. And you can always count on her to pray, cos she is so close with the Spirit..

I am just so blessed today!! Totally soaked in Holy Spirit, the joy of worship.. how I wished I've invited Lydia to come with me.. She'll be so blessed and u will really see her jumping with joy in the Lord! :)