6 Jul 08 - I am crying..and sprained my ankle

I cried..really cried my heart out again.. whole heart..painful..so painful.. Even as I'm writing now, i'm weeping...i know only God can heal this pain, He'll bottle all my tears.. God, please help me..

i just watched "10 Promises to My Dog" with my mum, 2 sis and my sis' bf (YX).. I know i'll cry cos it's a animal show and i'm very attached to animals.. I had prepared for it.. but.. i cried.. my heart cried.. not becos of the movie plot, but bcos i miss B.. I really miss B. The last time I watched this type of show, i watched with him n his mum..this 10 promises reminded me of the promises in our relationship- what we discussed, what we committed.. And golden retriever is B's favourite dog..loyal and trust-worthy..

To be fair to the movie, it is really very good - it reflects how we desire for something, so much joy when we have it, how promises are made when it is easy to commit; yet as days go by, we find it as a burden - so suffocating that we just wish we can put it aside and take a breather; only to look back and realise how much we've failed in our promises, and even regret..if only we treasure every moments we had-good times and bad times...

To me,every scene is not so much about Socks and Akari, but about B and me..
I weeped like i've never did..in the darkness of the theater, while we were walking out of the cinema and even when we were out of the complex, i just cannot help crying.. I miss B, I love B.. still do..I learnt last night not to simply tolerate this pain inside and live on, but to lift it up to the Lord..i tried, i did..i prayed in my heart like i've ever known how..the Lord's prayer, Hail Mary, whatever..Everyone tried to comfort me, saying my dog Hugo is still alive - dont be so sad and tried to tease me.. but i don't think they know i'm actually crying for B..

In fact, even Hugo reminds me of B.. cos it was B who brought Hugo to my life..how Hugo suddenly barked at B one night, when he had to ride out to MRT to fetch his mum's bicycle back..I still remember how both of us were puzzled by Hugo's sudden strange reaction, and how i was so worried that B might meet some accident on his ride out, as if Hugo's barking was a 'warning'..how i prayed for his safety while waiting anxiously with Hugo in his house..I really cannot afford him to meet with any mishap..cannot afford anything of any hurt to him at all..

my sis n mum wanted to go for dinner, even though i'm weeping like a baby behind them..it was really embarrassing to walk into the coffee shop, knowing no matter how i tried to look normal, my eyes and nose are really red, obviously red..even though there're not many people in coffeeshop, but everyone turned to my direction..i know it was really embarrassing, yet i cant help it.. i'm really trying so hard not to embarrass myself, stop the tears flowing n look normal..but i guess my face just tell everyone that i'm super super depressed.. as if i've just has a tiff with my bf..even YX teased me that i've won the super emotional title.. i know i really looked like crap..

i didnt eat..simply tried to calm myself down with prayers in my heart..how glad i was when we can finally leave and go home..

then i sprained my ankle. for the first time in my life, i actually sprained my ankle. now i know why people look so painful when they have sprained ankle, cos it's really painful..For a skilled high-heel walker since 16yrs old, i can even run with my 3" heels, how could i sprain my ankle with only 1" shoe? whatever it is, it's really hurtful.. my mum had to support me all the way to take cab, and up my home..even my bathing time is so fast so i cant support myself for long..

i tell u, times like these really make me think of B even more.. not that he'll be able to carry me or support me (he's pretty bad in handling my 'emergencies'/'accidents') but if only i could call to tell him i'm in pain..and to hear his care..

I know i have to let go esp after being prayed n ministered in letting go.. i know letting go is a process..but can anyone really understand the depth of my love for B..if you think it's more or less the same of that for TH, Lawrence, or even GQ, you are very wrong.. if it's more or less the same for B, i wont be in that state.. i really love B..so much that I scare myself(even till now); so much that i was willing to cut off my contact with GQ in order to assure B but only to make use of GQ to spite B during my silent protest (fyi, GQ n I were on very good terms since i'm 16yrs old, so good that we even explored the possibilty of long-distance relationship, but we decided to maintain this friendship..cos i've found someone who really share my faith, filled my heart with complete joy n share my faith in the meaning of love)..that is how much i love B..

Silly? yes - i know..if only you love someone that much, u wont feel silly for doing those silly things..esp so for us girls, we usually are teh ones who will do all we can to secure this love, giving our all and best when we think it's our prayer answered..Nothing is silly in love..

..finally...my tears vault is dried up now..Jesus finally can close his bottle on my tears..my eyes are super swollen as my ankle now..n tmr i have to work..great job,J..leave the room for Jesus now,give Him all access into all the rooms of your life..He knows,He feels n He'll restore..let go and let God.

Please pray for me..thank you