12 Jul 08 - Love is a covenant, not a contract.

i dun wan to start my day today..not bcos i slept late,but i miss B again..kinda mild depression when i just wan to stay in bed to think of him..

last night meeting n chat with my new old friend (JB) was really heart-pouring..perhaps cos he experienced depression before,that's y his advice is even more encouraging. but one thing i dun understand - he said i'll be alright as i'm strong.

Strong..this word is really very puzzling..people who know what i went n going through have this impression. what a false impression.. i still miss B so much that i still cries in my room (eg now),on the bus and even while walking. though i miss B,i still love B so much, but what can i do? nothing n no one can make B realise what he had done,unless he decide to open his heart to receive it himself. it's a hard fact i've to face

so what's my options? to wait; to move on; to win B back.
personally,i wun try to win him back.i know i wun. Not that i'm not pro-active,but i understand B..it'll only repel him further by being pro-active now..
move on- is occupying my days with activties considered as moving on? or moving on=allowing someone to come to replace B?? Not that i'm not open to other 'options' but i cant find the flow with these options. u may say cos i'm still not accepting them cos of B.. i really dun think it's true- i still want to care for these options, to provide for them, but as a friend.. cos i know in my spirit they're not for me..
wait...in fact,that's what His word to me. WAIT. Of course, i'm not going to wait n do nothing.. more of like wait emotionally n see what miracle is in stored for me. Will B return in this wait? i wish,i pray he will but i really don't know.What if B finds a new gf n better still getting married with her? i know it hurts me but as long as he's happy, my blessings will always be there..As for me,i've found my one- we loved n we were 'married' in some ways, but he died suddenly. If i have to remain a widow,i know i will be a happy widow. At least i can share my experience with those couples to encourage them - all things are possible if they are willing to talk it out,commit to the propose solutions.

Love is a covenant, not a contract. Covenant is a commitment to each other even when all things fails,disappointments and hurts come. It's a vow to love, guide, and protect as Christ does for His Church(Bride) and to endeavor in demostrating this vow.