Why am I blogging? I really begin to wonder...as a 'venting' space? as 'update' to my friends so I do not need to repeat my story? as 'showcase' on my journey? as 'showoff' for my experience?? Or, simply just to keep B connected to me???
B, I admit I do pray and hope you'll read my blog to express your concern..In fact, many a times I often treat this space as you..talking to you..I know you want me to let go, to let you go..Trust me, I do want to let go and live my life..but somehow..things just happen..I do not know if it's just me, my illusion or stubborness..but I really pray with all my heart to let you go..I really want you to be happy in what you do..If we are meant to be, nothing can separate us, not even ourselves. I've experienced too many freaking incidents to recognise God is God of All and He's always in control. No matter how we choose to deviate, we will still end up to where He wants us to be..just take a longer way to get there, whereas if we follow Him, it'll be a shorter and easier way..But that's human..we have to learn the 'human' way..
I cant say you are making a wrong decision, I only pray for greater faith to walk His Will. Maybe I'm meant to be single, maybe it's just a trial for us..I really do not know, and I cant understand what He is trying to tell me..I just know I'll always love you, no matter what happens..I don't know what's ahead of me, or even what's happening around me..but I know God is leading us by our hands. He wont let us go, no matter what happens..
Sound as if I'm freaking out again..I cant explain as I recall..
the 'seed' to know Catholic faith since my conversion-escaping fr finding out-challenging doctrines as an easy way to know more-knowing you and your mum-going through the 'rituals' with you-how we went through ups n downs-your decision-my experience..till now..
Remember you used to 'tease' me that I'm 'fated' with Catholic cos I kept meeting Archbishop in Mass? It 'scared' me actually. Because I really didn't want to leave my comfort zone in CHC. Afterall, it's my birth-church - God must have wanted me to be in CHC that's why He showed me there. I've learnt so much of the Bible, made so many good friends, experienced controversies with the whole church.. I just feel so 'at home'..Such signs or thoughts of me crossing-over is 'NO-WAY, I'm happy where I am'
B, I don't know if you still feel anything for me, for us. But I hope you know that everything is in God's control..from beginning till now and it shall be forever. All we can do is keep praying and learning to walk His Will. I love you, always will.. Not because I'm stubborn, but because I experience Love in our relationship. All I can do now is leave you to God - what will be will be.
"A pure heart
that's what I long for
A heart that follows hard after Thee
A heart that hides Your Word
so that sin will not come in
A heart that's undivided
but one You rule and reign
A heart that beats compassion
that pleases You, my Lord
A sweet aroma of worship
that rises to Your throne"
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1 comment:
Amen, leave everything in the hands of the Lord and He will make all things good.
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