24 Jan 08 - I've done it!

I did it! I don't know how but I did it!
I've gotten my answers from B with the peace of God! Praise to God!

It didn't start very well..he came straight into my room,I was shock!How can he be coming to my room,doesn't he know it's hurtful...But at that moment,I heard myself asking him "what happened" in such calm tone! It's so not me who is talking.Inside myself, how I wanted to ask him get out of my comfort zone...it's just not me who was talking..It has to be my medication or God who gave me this courage and calmness.. and it just didn't stop there! I started leading the conversation in such calmness,when I was just crying to my girlfriend who was in my room moments ago! Honestly,I don't remember what did I talk to him about,I just tell him how I'm feeling now and how is he.. but the peace of God just reigns..I'm even able to crack jokes and break the tension.

Even when he had to explain to my parents who came into my room, the peace just reigns. No commotions, instead I'm super surprised my dad actually encouraged him to speak forth his mind to end this in peace..I've never seen my dad being so out-spoken and encouraging,though I know he's upset on what happened.. We had a little chat,as friends..I feel so relaxed talking to him,about us,about our new friendship in such openness and truth.. Honestly,I don't want to look back at all the hurt..suddenly it all doesn't matter anymore..I am just enjoying the conversation with him,in such peace and openness! Though I know he is holding some scepticism about me, but it doesn't affect me at all! I'm just enjoying the conversation as a friend..I really don't know what's ahead of us,I just want to leave everything to God and enjoy that peace and openness...

The last thing I remember is I see him (with his stuff) to my door..He asked if I could carry for him,perhaps have dinner with him before he leave..How my heart cries 'YES-I want to spend time with him' yet the voice who is talking all these while told him 'Are you sane?' .. Before he leaves,he asked me if we could still meet up. Again,my heart cries 'YES,OF COURSE' but my voice replied in such calmness 'Sure,now that I'm not working,just give me a call' which I cannot comprehend! I really hope he meant his word..to meet up..even as friend..

God is indeed with me for He is really seeing me through this..I won't have known what to say or even how to react..I remember I was shivering in fear when I met him the previous time.. I cannot say I've grown stronger,as you guys know i'm still crying like a baby for God. All I can say,I thank God for being with me,giving the words to say,guiding me on how to behave.. I'm in awe of what He has just done! His Peace just reigns in my room all these while and .. I'm so so blessed!!

I don't know what shape i'll be in tomorrow morning(my daily fear)..But I know God is with me..