6.35am - why is morning so scary? I open my eyes and my B is no longer around. I miss B, I really miss B.. I know people say when guy is gone,he is gone..But I really miss my B - he is full of love for people..where is he now..He always ready to help people,to work things out.. How can he just say 'peace' and want to serve his ministry, therefore not peace with me...God,I miss B so much... it hurts,it just hurts... I know I should not wait for B,but I love B so much..so so much.... I miss B,God..I miss him so much.. his smile,voice,his tender care...i love B.. He said he love me cos I'm full of faith in love and in God..I've always guard my tongue as possible,as the Bible says my tongue holds the power of Life and Death. Jesus will come to judge one day.
I look at his pictures..the one I've taken for him and with him.. He always like to act cool in the photos,but he's always so fun and caring..He was with me just few months ago..what happened to my B..I pray my B will return..I love him so much and I still love him so much.. B,where are you..I still love you, I will wait for you...God,help me...
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Hi J,
I'd been reading you diary. Sorry to interrupt into your privacy .. (but I think I should not bother to apologise becasue this is public .. you had 'invited' me to read this)
I'm a young man and a Christian too ... I can understand some of your 'misery' as a young woman in Christ. I guarantee you that you are not the 1st to experience this 'misery'. You are seeing the situation from a woman view .. let me share with you from a man's view.
I don't really understand what is happening between you and B. But it seems that you haven't really let go your B. If not, you won't be in so much agony.
(I just wonder is it true that you are very 'sticky' ... oops, sorry to bring that -ve word back here)
Why don't you give yourself a break, and some spaces. Do you remember what your B told you? He needs time and spaces (alto he didn't guarantee that he will come back). He is telling you too that you need to give yourself some spaces and time too.
If your spirit continue to clinch on him, do you think you had given him the time and space that he needed? No .. !! Your spirit is still very much 'sticking' to his. Up to now, you are still not 'listening' to him .. and maybe he is right, you choose to listen to what you want to listen only.
Well, many say that female have a good 6th sense .. but sometime guys do too. Have you ever try to grab a handful of sand? The stronger you grab/squueze it, the more it will escape below your palm!
Another thing which bother me too much .. you are "forcing" God to give you back B. You are not the only one. A lot of modern Christian are doing the same ... use His words and comeback to demands Him to answer according to what they want. Why not they just say, "God, give me this and I want it now." No wonder 99% are not answered and worse come to worse, they leave God because of their own ignorance/lack of knowledge.
Do you remember what is Jesus's prayer in Garden of Gesthmane? "Not My will, but let Your will be done." So, no matter what is the outcome, let His will be done. Do not ask for B .. but instead ask for your own peace and understanding in this matter.
Maybe you should ask God to bless B. This might in turn give you the peace and "answer" that you long for. You should release all the "???" from your mind .. and seek for answer. And remember, let God answer in His best timing.
Mt 5:11 says, "Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me."
Do you read the last 3 words, .. "Beacuse of Me"? So, if you are insulted because you are too slow at work .. no blessings to you until you improve in your work!! Do not blame God for not blessing you in your work. There is nothing to do with God, but a lot to do with yourself. Just like when your kid fail the exam in school, it is nothing to do with our Education Minister but rather te kid/parents right? :)
Hope you will start to get back to the right path .. there is more in life than B. Who knows, God may have a better BB for you?
Thanks,connect..I know what you are getting at. But trust me,I've tried not contacting him when he said he needed time and space. It's hard..it's really hard..
I really want to let go..cos the B I've known is so dead now. I don't even who is the B now.
I know I've been crying out to God..I also pray to let His will be done and bless B in everyway..Let this new friendship be new,free all the past burden and hurt.. I really forgive him,no matter how much hurt i'm going through now..I cannot bring myself to hurt or blame him at all..
I hope you know it's not easy,especially i've always trusted him in his words. When he said he prayed about us and certain I'm the one, he returned and he initated the marriage planning. If he prayed about us,and he's certain, we always can work it out.. But now,just because he feel 'peace', then he's throwing in the towel?
I'm very sorry to hear of your lost. Let it go, with grace.
I have been reading on you harping on the fact that he was the one who initiated the wedding planning and affirming you were the one for him yet was also the one who initiated to walk away. (Do you know you are indirectly blaming him despite you saying you cannot bring yourself to blame or hurt him?) (p/s: it is alright to blame him, no one is stopping you but don't be confused of what you are thinking and doing cos you apparently are.)
But you know... it is very usual for us to blame him for making you so miserable but then again, so what if he was labelled as the badass by everyone? He will still not come back to you.
And seriously, I hold high regard for Christ, but can you stop mentioning Christ in every sentence? (it is not very healthy to both reader and writer.)
Anywsy, the best thing you can only do now is to FORCE YOURSELF TO FORGET HIM AND FORCE YOURSELF NOT TO MENTION HIM. Among all my getover methods, this is the one that works best simply because if you force and remind yourself that you are not to talk/mention about B, then your mind will stop thinking of what to say about him and will stop at reminding yourself about B. And as time goes by, you will forget him bit by bit.
MOVE ON. seriously. force yourself to move on. its all in your mind. train your mind to be strong and determine to follow your will. And your will is to be - TO FORGET ABOUT THIS JERK.
remember: its all in the mind.
Kim,
I agree with you.
So J, pls stop doing all the little things like going to his house, talking to the mother, leaving something on the door steps ... better still pack all his clothes (and underwear) and ask him to collect from your mother on specific date. Make sure that you are not there even to see him off the lift.
Hehe .. this may make him into some serious thinking because you are no longer you as what he sees you ... but who cares??? You also know that the B that you know is 'dead' ... even there is another B, you don't even know what is inside him .. Alien2? Better watched Alien vs Predator 2 .. haha !!
[Most of the time decision always remain as decision unless you take an action out of it. So how to really give him up if you still keep something in the wardrobe?]
J is J .. and J has her own pride and honour. Who will honour you if you don't know how to honour yourself?
Wish you all the best .. and start enjoying your life. Believe your family will be happy to see a cheerful J back in action!!
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