Why am I blogging? I really begin to wonder...as a 'venting' space? as 'update' to my friends so I do not need to repeat my story? as 'showcase' on my journey? as 'showoff' for my experience?? Or, simply just to keep B connected to me???
B, I admit I do pray and hope you'll read my blog to express your concern..In fact, many a times I often treat this space as you..talking to you..I know you want me to let go, to let you go..Trust me, I do want to let go and live my life..but somehow..things just happen..I do not know if it's just me, my illusion or stubborness..but I really pray with all my heart to let you go..I really want you to be happy in what you do..If we are meant to be, nothing can separate us, not even ourselves. I've experienced too many freaking incidents to recognise God is God of All and He's always in control. No matter how we choose to deviate, we will still end up to where He wants us to be..just take a longer way to get there, whereas if we follow Him, it'll be a shorter and easier way..But that's human..we have to learn the 'human' way..
I cant say you are making a wrong decision, I only pray for greater faith to walk His Will. Maybe I'm meant to be single, maybe it's just a trial for us..I really do not know, and I cant understand what He is trying to tell me..I just know I'll always love you, no matter what happens..I don't know what's ahead of me, or even what's happening around me..but I know God is leading us by our hands. He wont let us go, no matter what happens..
Sound as if I'm freaking out again..I cant explain as I recall..
the 'seed' to know Catholic faith since my conversion-escaping fr finding out-challenging doctrines as an easy way to know more-knowing you and your mum-going through the 'rituals' with you-how we went through ups n downs-your decision-my experience..till now..
Remember you used to 'tease' me that I'm 'fated' with Catholic cos I kept meeting Archbishop in Mass? It 'scared' me actually. Because I really didn't want to leave my comfort zone in CHC. Afterall, it's my birth-church - God must have wanted me to be in CHC that's why He showed me there. I've learnt so much of the Bible, made so many good friends, experienced controversies with the whole church.. I just feel so 'at home'..Such signs or thoughts of me crossing-over is 'NO-WAY, I'm happy where I am'
B, I don't know if you still feel anything for me, for us. But I hope you know that everything is in God's control..from beginning till now and it shall be forever. All we can do is keep praying and learning to walk His Will. I love you, always will.. Not because I'm stubborn, but because I experience Love in our relationship. All I can do now is leave you to God - what will be will be.
"A pure heart
that's what I long for
A heart that follows hard after Thee
A heart that hides Your Word
so that sin will not come in
A heart that's undivided
but one You rule and reign
A heart that beats compassion
that pleases You, my Lord
A sweet aroma of worship
that rises to Your throne"
Thursday, May 1, 2008
30 Apr 08 - I love Wednesdays!
Have I told you that I love Wednesdays? Can you believe that I'm so looking forward for RCIA every Wednesdays that I practically ran on my high thin heels, in order not to be late?! I am even so willing to take cab. just for distance of 3 busstops! Simply cannot explain the joy, so much of 'looking forward'.. I just love to go RCIA! It's a total different me, when I attended previous RCIA and this-total transformation!! It's really a joy when you know you are planted at the right place - just like tree planted by the river.
Maybe you'll say it's the friends and fellowship which made me so excited and enthusiastic. I admit I enjoy their company, support and loving-kindness..but what I'm really looking forward is the 'Feeding' of my spiritual hunger - The Word of God. I cannot explain how this course is 'tailored' for me.. but I simply enjoying the weekly 'feeding' of the Word. Explaination of every catholic practices, tracing back to the context of ancient times, and understanding the time period of the Bible etc.. It's like having a feast, which is so satisfying, no matter how tired you are.. Understand??
Cannot believe that I'm going through Rite of Acceptance this Sunday..Though it's just acceptance, but i'm really amazed how I came this far and still looking forward to be part of the faith... Still remember my panic during the opening night.. the anxiety, fear and depression, and just want to be in a corner to get things over and done with.. It's so different now! Every step i have taken in this journey required all my physical and mental energy.. looking back, I know I will not regret it, and I will keep pressing forward..
... ... If only I followed the prompting of my heart last year, with B joining as my sponsor.. I still miss him.. no doubt, I still love him now.. I don't know if he misses me or even has any feeling for me now, but I'm not afraid of telling you YES, I STILL LOVE B! As long as he is happy, I'll be happy and always pray for him.. Love actually does not need close physical distance.. if u understand what I mean.
"But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you." - Matt 6:33
Maybe you'll say it's the friends and fellowship which made me so excited and enthusiastic. I admit I enjoy their company, support and loving-kindness..but what I'm really looking forward is the 'Feeding' of my spiritual hunger - The Word of God. I cannot explain how this course is 'tailored' for me.. but I simply enjoying the weekly 'feeding' of the Word. Explaination of every catholic practices, tracing back to the context of ancient times, and understanding the time period of the Bible etc.. It's like having a feast, which is so satisfying, no matter how tired you are.. Understand??
Cannot believe that I'm going through Rite of Acceptance this Sunday..Though it's just acceptance, but i'm really amazed how I came this far and still looking forward to be part of the faith... Still remember my panic during the opening night.. the anxiety, fear and depression, and just want to be in a corner to get things over and done with.. It's so different now! Every step i have taken in this journey required all my physical and mental energy.. looking back, I know I will not regret it, and I will keep pressing forward..
... ... If only I followed the prompting of my heart last year, with B joining as my sponsor.. I still miss him.. no doubt, I still love him now.. I don't know if he misses me or even has any feeling for me now, but I'm not afraid of telling you YES, I STILL LOVE B! As long as he is happy, I'll be happy and always pray for him.. Love actually does not need close physical distance.. if u understand what I mean.
"But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you." - Matt 6:33
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
29 Apr 08 - Physical darkness
I just had the most joyous experience, followed by horrible fear..
Last Friday, I was struggling in my heart to choose between my passion (Salsa dance) and church (youth ministry). I know I have to focus on RCIA journey, before I get 'involved' into any ministry. But I cant help having the 'tag' to forgo my dance and possible chillout with my friends, for the prayer meeting... Well, in the end, I gave in to this tag of the Spirit.
I'd NEVER regret or forget that prayer meeting!! The moment I stepped CSC, though I'm alone, I felt at home, so at ease..Got to know some friends and they are just so nice! SO unbelievable..feel just 'at home' with them..When the praise and worship started, nothing else matters anymore..not even the people sitting beside me.. the presence of God is so strong in our midst - I can just touch Him! It's just so happened to be 'intercessary' meeting..The flow of the Spirit is so strong and so undescribable! Even after the meeting, God just sends people of same vision and such faith to 'pump' me up! It's really surprising how God works, everything just 'so pre-arranged' if we could just follow Him! That night, I know i'm no longer in depression anymore because of the Joy in my heart! Nothing can take away this joy that I have! It's totally mind-blowing!! ... finally I was able to sleep with a smile, with the love and assurance....
Sunday 27Apr - My 'darkness' falls.. For no apparent reason, out of vanity, I decided to wear my contact lenses for Mass. Trust me, I'm really not a fan of 'contact lense' unless special occasion, think of the dread of cleaning after use...But that morning, though it's just for an hr's Mass, I thought of 'being my best'..The moment I put 1 lense on, it STUNG my eye with such burning fire! So painful that I cant even open my eye! Took me a while before I can pull it out..my eye was so RED!
My eyes are quite sensitive, hence such experience is quite normal to me. Just as I thought I cant attend Mass with this state, instinct told me to pray.. So I did, and I was able to attend Mass WITHOUT any irritation at all! It was till my friends asked about my eye that I remembered of the morning incident..Feeling ok, I did my routine and took a nap.
Horror of horrors, I simple cannot open my eyes after my nap! After applying 'eye-mo' and washing my eye several times, I could only open for that few seconds before the pain returned. I knew I had to consult doctor-took a fast ride fr my dad to the nearest 24hr clinic. While waiting, the pain just don't give up.. I had to grope my way around the clinic as my dad was not with me. Even being blindfolded is not as dark as this! Best still, the doctor said he cannot help and had to direct me to hospital A&E! I was really shocked - it's just a infection! Usually I just get some eye-drops to clear it off, that's all.. True - he gave me my normal eye-drop after my insistence, it really didn't help at all! I still cannot open my eye!
When prayers and did-what-I-could didn't help, I had to give in to 'reality' and rushed to hospital A&E with my sister. All through the journey, the registration, the wait, my eye was really so painful that I was really whining loud! (ask my sister-she vouch for me) So loud that she had to tell me to shut up as people are looking at me! (yes, imagine a 30yrs old whining loud that her eye is so hurtful..you get the picture). Of course, I cannot see their reaction, it's all depending on the voices and sounds I heard, beside my sis's constant 'jokes' as comfort..Trust me, pain in the eye is really NOT something you can bear with - no matter how strong your pain threshold is.
To make matter worse, the eye specialist on duty was making her rounds - it took her more than 1hr to return! The agony and wait really materialised my fear of being blind.. When she finally returned, I got a 'scolding' that I should not whine so much cos I'm a big girl now.. What best thing to hear, after my anxious, pain-bearing wait!!
When I finally open my eye, after her 'powerful' eye-drops, I was SO HAPPY! I can SEE!! But the effect only lasted for half hr, just enough for her examination! Very promptly, the pain returns and I'm back to darkness! What a horrible experience - NEVER UNDERESTIMATE INFECTION! You'll be living in dark when you are least expected!
Basically, I could only fully open my eyes today (2nd day of MC). It's really quite an experience to be in the dark for so long.. Went for follow-up, and had to return to consultation again on Fri.. I'll never underestimate the power of infection again..How fragile is every part of my body and how I've taken God's creations for granted...
Last Friday, I was struggling in my heart to choose between my passion (Salsa dance) and church (youth ministry). I know I have to focus on RCIA journey, before I get 'involved' into any ministry. But I cant help having the 'tag' to forgo my dance and possible chillout with my friends, for the prayer meeting... Well, in the end, I gave in to this tag of the Spirit.
I'd NEVER regret or forget that prayer meeting!! The moment I stepped CSC, though I'm alone, I felt at home, so at ease..Got to know some friends and they are just so nice! SO unbelievable..feel just 'at home' with them..When the praise and worship started, nothing else matters anymore..not even the people sitting beside me.. the presence of God is so strong in our midst - I can just touch Him! It's just so happened to be 'intercessary' meeting..The flow of the Spirit is so strong and so undescribable! Even after the meeting, God just sends people of same vision and such faith to 'pump' me up! It's really surprising how God works, everything just 'so pre-arranged' if we could just follow Him! That night, I know i'm no longer in depression anymore because of the Joy in my heart! Nothing can take away this joy that I have! It's totally mind-blowing!! ... finally I was able to sleep with a smile, with the love and assurance....
Sunday 27Apr - My 'darkness' falls.. For no apparent reason, out of vanity, I decided to wear my contact lenses for Mass. Trust me, I'm really not a fan of 'contact lense' unless special occasion, think of the dread of cleaning after use...But that morning, though it's just for an hr's Mass, I thought of 'being my best'..The moment I put 1 lense on, it STUNG my eye with such burning fire! So painful that I cant even open my eye! Took me a while before I can pull it out..my eye was so RED!
My eyes are quite sensitive, hence such experience is quite normal to me. Just as I thought I cant attend Mass with this state, instinct told me to pray.. So I did, and I was able to attend Mass WITHOUT any irritation at all! It was till my friends asked about my eye that I remembered of the morning incident..Feeling ok, I did my routine and took a nap.
Horror of horrors, I simple cannot open my eyes after my nap! After applying 'eye-mo' and washing my eye several times, I could only open for that few seconds before the pain returned. I knew I had to consult doctor-took a fast ride fr my dad to the nearest 24hr clinic. While waiting, the pain just don't give up.. I had to grope my way around the clinic as my dad was not with me. Even being blindfolded is not as dark as this! Best still, the doctor said he cannot help and had to direct me to hospital A&E! I was really shocked - it's just a infection! Usually I just get some eye-drops to clear it off, that's all.. True - he gave me my normal eye-drop after my insistence, it really didn't help at all! I still cannot open my eye!
When prayers and did-what-I-could didn't help, I had to give in to 'reality' and rushed to hospital A&E with my sister. All through the journey, the registration, the wait, my eye was really so painful that I was really whining loud! (ask my sister-she vouch for me) So loud that she had to tell me to shut up as people are looking at me! (yes, imagine a 30yrs old whining loud that her eye is so hurtful..you get the picture). Of course, I cannot see their reaction, it's all depending on the voices and sounds I heard, beside my sis's constant 'jokes' as comfort..Trust me, pain in the eye is really NOT something you can bear with - no matter how strong your pain threshold is.
To make matter worse, the eye specialist on duty was making her rounds - it took her more than 1hr to return! The agony and wait really materialised my fear of being blind.. When she finally returned, I got a 'scolding' that I should not whine so much cos I'm a big girl now.. What best thing to hear, after my anxious, pain-bearing wait!!
When I finally open my eye, after her 'powerful' eye-drops, I was SO HAPPY! I can SEE!! But the effect only lasted for half hr, just enough for her examination! Very promptly, the pain returns and I'm back to darkness! What a horrible experience - NEVER UNDERESTIMATE INFECTION! You'll be living in dark when you are least expected!
Basically, I could only fully open my eyes today (2nd day of MC). It's really quite an experience to be in the dark for so long.. Went for follow-up, and had to return to consultation again on Fri.. I'll never underestimate the power of infection again..How fragile is every part of my body and how I've taken God's creations for granted...
Friday, April 25, 2008
25 Apr 08 - What a life
Cant help thinking about my life after my blog last night -- it's full of trials.. and I don't understand why!!
Things started challenging in my Sec4..'Turning point' indeed. GCE+TH+JC+strong prosecution..quite a few major events in limited period.. experienced joy-fire-peace-struggle-guilt-murder-death-heartbreak-dispair-suidical thoughts.. It's amazing how I survived that 4 years, coming in-n-out of hospital so frequently..my health is so much affected even till now..
Then another 4 yrs of individualism-hopeful-murder-heartbreak..And another 4yrs cycle to go through another death of my life, to be where I am now.. To be honest, I'm freaking scare of relationship, of another 4yrs.. B used to say I'm superstitious (#4 is my favourite yet most fearful). I did reflect on myself, why things fall apart every 4yrs..but things just happened as just when we were planning for marriage.. I'm the pressure and cause for their withrdrawal? If so, why did they take inititaive to plan, to promise, to return etc..taking me as training ground??
To those scientific people, my experiences lead me towards depression and so here I am. But everything happens for a reason, in God's time, I just dont understand why me.. when all I want is to be someone whom I love and he is willing to commit to love. I'm willing to go through thick and thin with him, with the Love we have...Sounds too frictional, too noble? It's true - ask B if you have chance. My expectation is really simple - love with all your heart and commit with your life. That's natural in loving a person, is it not?
Vincent told me this morning that life is about trials. Jesus had gone through the greatest trial cos of His Love for us. We need to carry our cross daily to follow Him, trust Him to go through with us... Sounds simple, right? Keep praying for me...I'm still learning to let Jesus be pilot of my life..
"Then he called the crowd to him along with his disciples and said: "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me and for the gospel will save it." - Matt 8:34-35
Things started challenging in my Sec4..'Turning point' indeed. GCE+TH+JC+strong prosecution..quite a few major events in limited period.. experienced joy-fire-peace-struggle-guilt-murder-death-heartbreak-dispair-suidical thoughts.. It's amazing how I survived that 4 years, coming in-n-out of hospital so frequently..my health is so much affected even till now..
Then another 4 yrs of individualism-hopeful-murder-heartbreak..And another 4yrs cycle to go through another death of my life, to be where I am now.. To be honest, I'm freaking scare of relationship, of another 4yrs.. B used to say I'm superstitious (#4 is my favourite yet most fearful). I did reflect on myself, why things fall apart every 4yrs..but things just happened as just when we were planning for marriage.. I'm the pressure and cause for their withrdrawal? If so, why did they take inititaive to plan, to promise, to return etc..taking me as training ground??
To those scientific people, my experiences lead me towards depression and so here I am. But everything happens for a reason, in God's time, I just dont understand why me.. when all I want is to be someone whom I love and he is willing to commit to love. I'm willing to go through thick and thin with him, with the Love we have...Sounds too frictional, too noble? It's true - ask B if you have chance. My expectation is really simple - love with all your heart and commit with your life. That's natural in loving a person, is it not?
Vincent told me this morning that life is about trials. Jesus had gone through the greatest trial cos of His Love for us. We need to carry our cross daily to follow Him, trust Him to go through with us... Sounds simple, right? Keep praying for me...I'm still learning to let Jesus be pilot of my life..
"Then he called the crowd to him along with his disciples and said: "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me and for the gospel will save it." - Matt 8:34-35
Thursday, April 24, 2008
24 Apr 08 - Small step forward,Great leap of Faith
So many things happened today, that I cant wait till tmr to share..
It's so amazing how God's plan.. Remember last night,I shared about my experience in saying the closing prayer?..Vincent told me this morning that all of them are inspired (I was praying for them, didn't I?) and to tell u frankly, I was excited for 'proof' for his claim. Afterall, being my godfather, he's been really very encouraging. He shared what Father told him, after my prayer - "small step forward,great leap of faith". I tell you - it surprised me! Cos not even to you guys online, that I've disclosed my private conversation with God. Yet, these are the exact words which I've been putting to God as a 'challenge'. Coincident, you might say, but well..every thing happens for a reason. :) And what concluded my 'proof' is his sharing that the bond in this RCIA group is very strong. It really kinda 'put a full-stop' to my doubt. Cos that is another prayer I've been saying too, despite the 'huge' age gap. Ok, 2 conincidents happen at same time and I'm just too naive to connect them to God. Oh well, I can only pray that you'll experience God one day sooner.
That really made my day as I feel the cheer, joy and love in me. It's hard to explain..but it's like falling in love..yet I'm not in love with any person... It's strange, but everyone who saw/talked to me today feels 'something wrong' with me.. :P Not that I'm crazy or mad, just the joy I tried to share with them in a rainy gloomy morning (esp end of week is our stress period with "week-end closings")... never mind if you don't understand... just take it that I AM VERY VERY HAPPY!
To my surprise, I received a sms from B in the afternoon. Of course, I didn't realise it till end of work..And to my greater surprise, I naturally picked up the phone to return his call!!! Trust me, i've tried to stop my actions, tried to reason it out with myself.. It got through and he answered!! You really cannot imagine the joy+fear I had when I heard his voice! NO joke, it's really joy+fear! Yet, I don't know how, but we were able to make small chats for some minutes (just like the time he came over to explain- I just hear myself chatting with him.) It really blew my mind off that I was able to do that! No kidding!! I cannot say I've recovered cos depression is not just depressing mood which can recover so fast by one's will. I simply listened to myself talking to him..
I was so 'immobilised' within myself that when he wanted to end, I cant be more 'glad' to. I quickly put the phone down and totally in awe of what happened. Another freaking action due to depression? But if it's just a freaky act of rush, how could I survive the chat without breaking down?
I really cant say anymore to thank God, cos He is SO REAL!! I know it's freaking, you might say 'Janet is going spiritually insane'..But I cant help it! Please trust me - I'm keeping myself in check from turning into a religious person.. but I cant help experiencing these 'bizzare' things! OK, it's either God or I'm really turning crazy.. But if I'm crazy, can I still survive the day and even blog it down now?
I'm not trying to preach.. but can somebody gives me a good explaination what I am experiencing? OK, for the scientific people, I have to tell you I went through 2 'deaths'. First -when I saw myself lying on the operation table, due to severe internal bleeding (fyi - I was rushed into ops room immediately and stayed 1mth in hospital); Second - my whole mind 'died' when B left me.. ... Now, someone explain to me - what and why am I going through these?
It's so amazing how God's plan.. Remember last night,I shared about my experience in saying the closing prayer?..Vincent told me this morning that all of them are inspired (I was praying for them, didn't I?) and to tell u frankly, I was excited for 'proof' for his claim. Afterall, being my godfather, he's been really very encouraging. He shared what Father told him, after my prayer - "small step forward,great leap of faith". I tell you - it surprised me! Cos not even to you guys online, that I've disclosed my private conversation with God. Yet, these are the exact words which I've been putting to God as a 'challenge'. Coincident, you might say, but well..every thing happens for a reason. :) And what concluded my 'proof' is his sharing that the bond in this RCIA group is very strong. It really kinda 'put a full-stop' to my doubt. Cos that is another prayer I've been saying too, despite the 'huge' age gap. Ok, 2 conincidents happen at same time and I'm just too naive to connect them to God. Oh well, I can only pray that you'll experience God one day sooner.
That really made my day as I feel the cheer, joy and love in me. It's hard to explain..but it's like falling in love..yet I'm not in love with any person... It's strange, but everyone who saw/talked to me today feels 'something wrong' with me.. :P Not that I'm crazy or mad, just the joy I tried to share with them in a rainy gloomy morning (esp end of week is our stress period with "week-end closings")... never mind if you don't understand... just take it that I AM VERY VERY HAPPY!
To my surprise, I received a sms from B in the afternoon. Of course, I didn't realise it till end of work..And to my greater surprise, I naturally picked up the phone to return his call!!! Trust me, i've tried to stop my actions, tried to reason it out with myself.. It got through and he answered!! You really cannot imagine the joy+fear I had when I heard his voice! NO joke, it's really joy+fear! Yet, I don't know how, but we were able to make small chats for some minutes (just like the time he came over to explain- I just hear myself chatting with him.) It really blew my mind off that I was able to do that! No kidding!! I cannot say I've recovered cos depression is not just depressing mood which can recover so fast by one's will. I simply listened to myself talking to him..
I was so 'immobilised' within myself that when he wanted to end, I cant be more 'glad' to. I quickly put the phone down and totally in awe of what happened. Another freaking action due to depression? But if it's just a freaky act of rush, how could I survive the chat without breaking down?
I really cant say anymore to thank God, cos He is SO REAL!! I know it's freaking, you might say 'Janet is going spiritually insane'..But I cant help it! Please trust me - I'm keeping myself in check from turning into a religious person.. but I cant help experiencing these 'bizzare' things! OK, it's either God or I'm really turning crazy.. But if I'm crazy, can I still survive the day and even blog it down now?
I'm not trying to preach.. but can somebody gives me a good explaination what I am experiencing? OK, for the scientific people, I have to tell you I went through 2 'deaths'. First -when I saw myself lying on the operation table, due to severe internal bleeding (fyi - I was rushed into ops room immediately and stayed 1mth in hospital); Second - my whole mind 'died' when B left me.. ... Now, someone explain to me - what and why am I going through these?
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
23 Apr 08 - My 1st closing prayer in RCIA
Dear all!
I cannot wait till tmr to tell you how happy I am! U know I've been asked to do the closing prayer for tonight's class.. Though I had 'experience' in saying public prayer, but this is really totally a CHALLENGE, both to my mental and faith.
I was 70% confident I could do it with God's Guidance, when I said 'yes' to my goddaddy's request. Then he posed me a qn which stumbled me "Have you written it down or are you saying then?".. I was like 'Ya, why didn't I think of writing it down, so I can have better control'.. Then I heard myself telling him, "I'll do it there, don't worry". ... How can I say that when I AM worried I might say the wrong words or stammering.. I was really amazed at my answer!
When class is closing, I kept praying in my heart "Holy Spirit, please give me the words to say, please" ... managed to keep myself from being nervous..
When I stood in front of the class, with the MICROPHONE (yes!! that's scary!), I nearly cried out 'God, help me to pray'. TO my surprise, words just came out from my mouth. Yes, I admit the first sentence is 'prepared' but the rest of it are not!.. Though it's a short prayer, but I'm trying to focus on prayer, while preventing myself from breaking down.
Well, I must say, it didn't turned out to be the 'expected' prayer as I hoping to say. But I really thank God for every words that came forth, and I pray this prayer will be reality into the hearts of everyone in class. Burn in us with the fire of Holy Spirit, teach us to love God and people fervently... (that's all I remember now)..
What an experience, indeed! I was totally 'helpless' in my physical, yet I feel the joy of doing. Confusing to understand?.. I guess so, cos I really don't know how to describe the 'joy+struggle'.
I really love God's Word even more now.. Not to be religious, but I simply love the Word of God! Heaven and earth will pass away but His Words last forever. You may call me 'freaking' but I really enjoy reading the Bible now more than before. They are not just recorded stories to me, but they are really mysteries and 'clues' how great God is!
"For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him" - Psa 103:11
"He performs wonders that cannot be fathomed, miracles that cannot be counted" - Job 5:9
I cannot wait till tmr to tell you how happy I am! U know I've been asked to do the closing prayer for tonight's class.. Though I had 'experience' in saying public prayer, but this is really totally a CHALLENGE, both to my mental and faith.
I was 70% confident I could do it with God's Guidance, when I said 'yes' to my goddaddy's request. Then he posed me a qn which stumbled me "Have you written it down or are you saying then?".. I was like 'Ya, why didn't I think of writing it down, so I can have better control'.. Then I heard myself telling him, "I'll do it there, don't worry". ... How can I say that when I AM worried I might say the wrong words or stammering.. I was really amazed at my answer!
When class is closing, I kept praying in my heart "Holy Spirit, please give me the words to say, please" ... managed to keep myself from being nervous..
When I stood in front of the class, with the MICROPHONE (yes!! that's scary!), I nearly cried out 'God, help me to pray'. TO my surprise, words just came out from my mouth. Yes, I admit the first sentence is 'prepared' but the rest of it are not!.. Though it's a short prayer, but I'm trying to focus on prayer, while preventing myself from breaking down.
Well, I must say, it didn't turned out to be the 'expected' prayer as I hoping to say. But I really thank God for every words that came forth, and I pray this prayer will be reality into the hearts of everyone in class. Burn in us with the fire of Holy Spirit, teach us to love God and people fervently... (that's all I remember now)..
What an experience, indeed! I was totally 'helpless' in my physical, yet I feel the joy of doing. Confusing to understand?.. I guess so, cos I really don't know how to describe the 'joy+struggle'.
I really love God's Word even more now.. Not to be religious, but I simply love the Word of God! Heaven and earth will pass away but His Words last forever. You may call me 'freaking' but I really enjoy reading the Bible now more than before. They are not just recorded stories to me, but they are really mysteries and 'clues' how great God is!
"For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him" - Psa 103:11
"He performs wonders that cannot be fathomed, miracles that cannot be counted" - Job 5:9
23 Apr 08 - RCIA Today
Whew..so many things to tend the moment I stepped into office.. the 'price' of working with people from different time-zone :)
I'm supposed to prepare breakfsat for my office every Wed mornings, but today I'm just plain lazy.. But I feel kinda bad cos they're going for JP Morgan run this evening, should have at least 'feed' them with something..I'll make it up with a sumptous breakfast next wed. :) Am I going for the run? No - I've RCIA tonight, remember?
Wondering why I retired early last night? ..Good question, I guess I just love sleeping? :P TV is losing its appeal on me, I'd rather read my books and relaxing in my room.. If you've been in my room, you'll understand why my room is so condusive for lazing and sleeping - My Pride. :) But of course, I welcome friends to stay over too :) Just give me a call :P (*hey-this is a OPEN invitation!*)
Tonight has RCIA class..still praying for courage to say the closing prayer later. (Vincent asked me to do the closing prayer tonight, cos he feel the 'tag' in his spirit when he's praying )..See, that's why I con't understand what's God's thinking and doing.. Yes, i used to be able to lead a cell-group prayer, but now.. in my present condition, it's a HUGE challenge for me! Mind you, this RCIA class has more members than 4 cell-groups combined. Kinda freaking me out, just to think of it... Please pray for me - to keep calm and let Holy Spirit uses my mouth which will bring forth His Words.. If this is what His plan for me, I know I can do it with His Guidance. Amen!
"It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect." - Psa 18:32
I'm supposed to prepare breakfsat for my office every Wed mornings, but today I'm just plain lazy.. But I feel kinda bad cos they're going for JP Morgan run this evening, should have at least 'feed' them with something..I'll make it up with a sumptous breakfast next wed. :) Am I going for the run? No - I've RCIA tonight, remember?
Wondering why I retired early last night? ..Good question, I guess I just love sleeping? :P TV is losing its appeal on me, I'd rather read my books and relaxing in my room.. If you've been in my room, you'll understand why my room is so condusive for lazing and sleeping - My Pride. :) But of course, I welcome friends to stay over too :) Just give me a call :P (*hey-this is a OPEN invitation!*)
Tonight has RCIA class..still praying for courage to say the closing prayer later. (Vincent asked me to do the closing prayer tonight, cos he feel the 'tag' in his spirit when he's praying )..See, that's why I con't understand what's God's thinking and doing.. Yes, i used to be able to lead a cell-group prayer, but now.. in my present condition, it's a HUGE challenge for me! Mind you, this RCIA class has more members than 4 cell-groups combined. Kinda freaking me out, just to think of it... Please pray for me - to keep calm and let Holy Spirit uses my mouth which will bring forth His Words.. If this is what His plan for me, I know I can do it with His Guidance. Amen!
"It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect." - Psa 18:32
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