All of you do not know this, perhaps except my godbrother - I have been feeling down in my spirit for past week. It's a paradox cos I received so many hugs and comments that they feel happy when they are with me, they feel joyful seeing me etc.... (Honestly, these really surprised me cos I really feel dry inside). I know it's common to be 'back-to-reality' after the hype in YISS, I am really feeling fear+doubt in me..it's really so amazing when people share their spiritual dryness with me last week, I share their situation, tried to encourage them to the best of my Bible knowledge and seeing them back on Fire, serving their ministry...yet I just feel so dry.. Am I the problem?
How they are blessed through me is not my deed - I know it's not. I simply do not have much joy myself to share.. It has to be His doing.. But if God is using me to fill others, how come I don't feel filled-up? I did pray but.. my prayers are so heavy..
This self-doubt worsened when my family discouraged me from my Baptism, which I've been long-awaiting for 15yrs.. Even though I finally gotten their 'consensus' at the beginning of this year, they kinda went back on their words now. I understand their concerns, tried to assure them but they simply do not understand the Spirituality matters and my joy in Baptism. .. It really got me down down down.. To a point, I even feel like giving up - why cant I just be a sunday church-goer, not that i'm denying God.. but I simply too tired to explain to them..Why make my parents upset esp at their age? Am I not supposed to be a living testimony for God..then why upset them? ...I'm so tired in this 'battle' which seem to be going in cycle and back to square-one..I know I wont be happy being a sunday church-goer, but I simply too tired to 'fight' this issue..
It was only at yesterday's Mass that I really threw in the towel at Jesus. I really do not want to harbour this struggle inside anymore - I have enough of it for 15yrs. If He wants it to happen, He let it happen. Then, the Message came so strongly to me - Strong and Resilient (12th Sunday in Ordinary Time)... Jesus' vindication of the indestructibility of human spirit. Whatever endangers us in our work of witness to God and His love for all mankind is of little acount, we have the grace within us to withstand all storms and survives to eternal life.
"Just remember in winter; far beneath the snow;
Lies the seed that, with sun's love, in the spring becomes a rose"
I am thankful for these encouragement. I know nothing happens by coincident, but all in God's appointed time. I'm reminded of the life of Jeremiah..how God provided for him in his tough life.. As long as we dare to take up our cross to follow Jesus, He will never leave us alone to carry it ourselves.
That revelation (if you may call it) certainly fueled me up.. but i'm still skeptical if this is my rhema word.
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This morning, while sharing with my godbrother on this, I chanced upon a sermon CD in my office laptop..I must have saved it inside when I returned to this position at work, cos I really dont' remember what's the message title, or where did I get it.. It cant be from CHC cos I have not been attending CHC service; let alone getting the sermon CD.. Even when I was in CHC, I'm not into buying the sermon CD afterall I have my strong cellgroup and strong service every week..
In first place, I just wanted to listen to some happy praise n worship songs esp on Monday morning.. But this 'tag of the heart' comes again.. I have no idea what's the 'unknown album' is about cos I really dont rememeber.. without proper naming. But once I put on my earphones, I cannot pull it out.. The teaching is just what I need to hear.. to 'slap' myself up..
Life of Prayer
James 5:16
"The effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much"
I know this verse at the back of my hand, has always kept in mind of its teaching.. yet I still slipped into the devil's trap..
While I'm having self-doubt on my spiritual life,I'm also wondering if I'm righteous enough to be considered as righteous in order to claim this promise.. I was focusing on my fear, trying hard to justify my righteousness that I missed the point that WE ARE RIGHTEOUS. Righteousness is a GIFT from God. We cannot do more things to become more righteous or less things to be less righteous. It is a GIFT from God! And what God has given to us, He will not take it back, not even when we are 'disobedient' to Him. He simply loves us, He is our Abba Father! I've tried so hard reasoning n justifying myself and my faith that I got so lost touched of God, and deeper in my fear..
I tell you, this sermon really open my eyes (or shall I say ears)! Slapped me right on my face.. for past week i've put myself through such dryness, all cos of my prayerless week. I know the Truth in my mind, yet not received into my Spirit - Importance of Prayer and the Power in Prayer..How silly I have been!
"I want to know the One
Who holds my hand in this race that I run.
My Helper and Friend,
Holy Spirit I love You til the end.
I want more of You, O God
More of you in my life, Holy Spirit
Living waters flowing from within
As I yearn myself to You
Move in my life like never before
More of You, Holy Spirit
More of You.."
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