31 Jan 08 - Miracle encounter

"Glory to God in the Highest!"
I'm still in joyful awe of what God has just done.. He is just so amazing in His ways to assure me that He is with me. God is indeed on my side.

I met another group of colleagues for dinner...They were late and I was waiting in fear for them..I just cannot stand alone for long..I'm so glad when I finally met them..One of those ladies' chat over dinner..No matter how hard I try to concentrate on the topic,I'm fighting a battle inside me..But overall,we enjoyed ourselves..so far so good..

Miracle happened when I'm heading home..One of my colleague - Lindy took the same route with me so we chatted in the MRT train...God surprised me when the person standing next to me-Celese,began to share her experience with me!! We have similiar experience,encouraging each other in God..(She is also a Christian)..My heart just so blessed cos I know it has to be God..

You know,it's a wonder how God works! How many of us can open and share our life experience during the short MRT ride? I entered the train with questions but alighted with such joy cos God touched me in such miraculous way. God really answers my prayers and doing wonders for me..lifting me up each time. Indeed He is God of all,Creator of Heaven and Earth and He is ALIVE! If God is for me,who can be against me?

1 John 4:4
"You, dear children, are from God and have overcome them, because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world"

I don't know why I'm so blessed..but I'm just so so blessed..God has never left me alone.He keeps sending people,giving me signal grace to bless my heart.. I'm in awe of what a wonderful real Abba Father he is! I thank Holy Mary Blessed Virgin for her prayers too..There's power in prayers and especially in the Rosary! Miracles DO happen!

31 Jan 08 - Open palms

As I was praying just now,"open palm" came to my mind..Delia shared with me before..
We should receive our blessings with open palms,and with open palms also allow God to take away what He has given..Only with open palms that we'll be able to receive blessings from God..

I really look onto Blessed Virgin as an example..She is so faithful and always look unto God in all things..I know I'm not that noble,but I pray I will try to be like her..

Let God be my Advocate and Guide as I learn to live each day,day by day....

30 Jan 08 - I amazed myself

Somehow I know God heard my prayers..I felt such peace and confidence when I went out from my room this morning..

I'm amazed by myself today..I actually able to go out alone,to meet my colleagues for lunch,with such peace in me. Of course,I do face some 'reminders' and 'missing' but I try to shield myself with prayer and look unto Jesus who is my Advocate... Anyway,there's nothing I can do to change the situation now..To you,it seems 'it's normal to go out alone' but this is really a big step for me.. You know, for past days, I won't dare to go out,unless I've someone accompanying or I'll just ask my dad to bring me to the destination,even to church.. My colleagues told me I look better now,and I know it's all God's work..Though it's been less than a week since I saw them, but the past days were really the longest days in my life.. I could not have gone through those days without God..I just hug them and thank them so much for their prayers..Their lunch invitation came in at just so right timing to bless me..

After lunch,I went back to Adoration room again (yes-again, I felt I had to). It's either my medication or God..I feel so calm about myself,the peace within me..Something tells me if B is for me,He'll make a way,despite whatever happened..just like my new position (fyi,I cried during my interview yet I got the offer)...God has planned it all and I just have to trust Him... Then it's either my medication is making me forgetful or God is helping me..all his hurtful words I don't remember anymore..I just know I've to move on and leave everything to God..If he's for me,God will make a way.. Just enjoy the friendship as now...

I know somehow i cannot bring myself to another relationship anymore..I'm too tired to 'try' to go through another...I've loved B with all my heart...

But look on the bright side - I'm beginning to move out of my situation now,learning to face and accept singlehood. Even my therapist is pleased with my progress - it can only be of God's works.
Thanks to be to God!

30 Jan 08 - Immaculate Heart of Mary

Last night,Delia and I talked about Mary and the words just keep ringing in my heart.. Indeed it really take a woman of pure great faith in God to submit herself into God's will.."Let it be done unto me according to Your word"-what a simple sentence.. I realised I really respect Holy Mother even more now.. She is indeed of immaculate heart..

I'm not saying I will worship her..but I really respect her..How many of us can be like her..It's really not easy at all,especially during her time..The amount of faith and courage is really beyond my imagination..

I'm not trying to preach,but you guys see me through the past week..I know I could not have done it without prayers..I know the path ahead is still hard,but I will try to focus on God who create miracles...Let Him be my Guide,my Peace and my Judge..

Psalm 128:1
"Blessed are all who fear the LORD, who walk in his ways"

29 Jan 08 - Stepping out

I decided to step out today..step out from my condition,out of my house..Just at that moment,Wendy invited me for lunch..and other invitations just kept coming in..I don't know if it's God's plan or coincidental..anyway I don't believe in coincidents..

Anyway,I decided to meet my mum instead..it's hard,cos the thoughts still attack now and then in my mind,yet I cannot tell my mum..My medication is always making me drowsy in the afternoon,so it's really a struggle to fight the voices when I'm physically sleepy..In desperation,I held onto my Rosary and started reciting..It helps!! Not immediate,but the peace gradually came..and I'm able to walk normally in the public..

Had a blessed dinner with Delia just now.She is ever so understanding in my cross-over..She shared a lot on the differences between Male and Female problem solving attitude..Very often,we know there's difference,but few of us really take care of this difference in order to bridge communication to work things out together,especially when men who prefer to cave themselves in. Maybe that's what happened to B and me..

After Sunset mass,I sms B hoping that he still regards me as friend,even after reading my blog..I really don't know his definition of 'not 100% accurate', but I sure like to hear his version one day,if he is willing to open up..

Btw,I'm thinking of taking driving lessons..should I?I browsed the advance theory book today,it's intimidating..so many things to remember..Or shall I take singing/spanish lesson??

29 Jan 08 - B read my blog

This morning,my heart still aches so much even when my eyes are still closed..I refused to open my eyes..I pray to God to remove this pain,calling onto Holy Mother to pray for me...I just don't want to start my day in this hurt...

As I was praying on my bed,B sms me..He read my blog..He's happy for me for the family car,for the interesting blog though it's not 100% accurate in his perspective.Everything happens for a reason.. Well,I'd like to hear from his perspective one day..Let God be our Guide and hope we can rediscover each other..everything happens for a reason..I dont know what's the reason or the outcome,but i know right now,we are able to rediscover each other as friends..I just want to treasure this new friendship and trust in God to guide us..

I know it's easy to say..but I will learn to look unto God..Especially if my calling is to be single,the more I should depend on God..I will always love B..God knows how much I've loved..He'll be my Judge..

28 Jan 08 - Last Risk Taken

After my cry and nap,I know I cannot be like this..I'll go crazy..God helps those who help themselves,especially after how He saw me through past days..I know I have to help myself..somehow..

I asked my mum how did I get over the previous time,though I didn't put in much effort and love unlike this relationship..My mum told me I recovered quickly..partly cos I got to know B..Everyone was concerned cos he is 4yrs younger than me,but somehow we managed to go through all the trials..but,this time..well my mum says bad thing happen to good people,maybe it's not the right time yet..

I don't know about right timing..I know if I tell u guys that I've enough and wont take any relationship anymore,you will say "J,u never know what God has planned.."..But trust me,I've closed this door long ago,even B knows I'm taking my very last hope in love with him..thought it was finally right when he gave me his word to commit but in the end..Love hurts..I still love B,wish him to be happy as I've always wanted him to be...I will always love him,no matter what happens..

Maybe this is just my cross..I have to carry this cross alone and proceed on this path..Not that I'll be a nun,I'm just tired of this relationship thing..4yrs ago,Guoqiang was very stern and warned me that I've to bear my consequences for taking this last risk..now I know what he meant..

I don't know how am I going to get through these,afterall I really gave my whole heart and soul into loving B,always trying to make things work no matter how hard it is..I dare say I've lived out my word-my bond to love him with all my heart,being very truthful and true to him in all things..even though some friends discouraged me from being so truthful in relationship..But I really want to be honest in love,in every aspects - my past,present and even future..
"Hebrews 4:13
Nothing in all creation is hidden from God's sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give account."

I'll try to get over and move into singlehood..Just hope you guys will still keep me in prayers..call me,sms me..anything just contact me,afterall I'm also alone..