yesterday was the mid-point of my RCIA journey..time flies,isn't it? Not that i want to look back, but it's really amazing how was i able to survive the past months..dun worry;I wun bore u or myself w those details, i'm just amazed..
i really thank God for CHC..esp for Pastor Kong,Sun, Sis Jacq, Ziwei, Frances,ChunHua,Alec, Victor Lim,Val,Delia. I can still remember how embarrassed I am whenever Ziwei or Alec introduced me as 'the one who invited me to CHC'...to be honest,i dun remember what i did to invite them..All i remember is one day they came and they stayed. Totally clueless how n why they come.. seriously-not that i'm trying to 'promote' myself but i'm really clueless. That's why i'm super embarrassed by this kind of introduction.(Guys,if u r reading this, dun do this intro anymore ok?) I guess the seed was planted by someone, but harvested by me; and the credit was given to me??? But it's real joy in me to see them all rising up strong in faith n rooted in church- one is a well-trained CGL;another is worship leader in weekly service; both are going to be Godly head of their family.They made such a difference in their school-days too-I can just see the connections of souls they're bringing up to Heaven as their harvest for God. (Hmmm..kinda jealous y i didn't rise up with them, afterall i'm in church longer than them.lol)
Growing up in CHC is really one of God's greatest blessings to me. Besides the strong Biblical teachings,life applications n the strong family bond (trust me-no matter where i'll be,CHC will always be my family), i've also learnt how to face persecutions. i'm sure u know how much in limelight is CHC..to worldly eyes,we'r radical,aggressive n even 'too rich' for a Christian church; to spiritual eyes,we're on the cutting edge of breaking all limitations for God's glory.Everyone will question us on tithing,building fund,church doctrines n commitment,out-reach etc.. I'm sure every CHC member will face these questions, to an extend it's become a norm for us. I really thank Pastor Kong for his teachings to help us face these issues!He is really like our father-he's so open,stern,loving to us.(trust me-when Pastor is stern,he IS stern and will not spare us in his 'loving kindness') That's strong discipleship!
Someone once told me Christian church focus on fellowship,while Catholic church focus worship. Well,it might be true for some churches they've been,but it's definitely NOT for CHC. Worship God and discipleshp is our root,henceforth our strong fellowship, not another way round. Maybe that's y it took us quite a while before we are recognised as denomination of our own.
Someone also told me that people from CHC are easily recognised-I don't know how true but I know I can identify another fellow CHC member just by listening to him/her. I guess is that the church culture lives within us: "To build a church with a strong spiritual atmosphere of faith and purity,where every member is released into ministry,discipled in the Great Commandment to obey the Great Commission." What an honour to carry God's Glory which people can see!!
wonder why i'm so into thanking CHC today? I also dunno..but i know if not for CHC,i'd have committed suicide when all hope was gone and suicide seem to be 'natural' thing to do..fyi,death was always in my mind and i've always been preparing for it. To extend that i often felt the urge to step into the way of a on-coming vehicle, to experience its impact of 'accident', whenever i cross the road. Don't believe? Well, u can ask B..he knows how open I am to talk about death,how crazy I was to be always think of dying..In fact,B also really dun like me having such tots, it took him a while to get me out of these tots. But when B left, i tell u,these tots came back even stronger..tempting me in every ways. I tried all best to resist, for God, for B and myself.
then why i cross-over since i love CHC so much? please do not ask me such question.I've answered numerous times-I just follow. I prayed,I heard,I know i just have to obey.(fyi, if u've been praying for God to speak to u, n when He speaks to u, pls do what He says - otherwise it's really no point of praying for Him to speak into ur life, yet u dont want to follow Him)
If u ask me now,i'd still prefer to return to CHC to bask in the strong discipleship and teachings. That's why I'm praying for a clearer direction n calling now. It's kinda a debate of 'God,I want that' and 'Child,this is for you'. In CHC, I know I can sit back and be fed n feed others..free and easy while staying in contact with Holy Spirit *best of both worlds* But everytime I see the hunger in AMP and even RCIA,I have this burning to rise up to feed this hunger..Guess I just have to find a balance between being fed and feeding others. I wonder how the charismatic leaders in AMP and CTKCPG do it..Please join me in my prayer in this issue, ok?
I love you, City Harvest Church! You will always be my spiritual family!!
"To build a church with a strong spiritual atmosphere of faith and purity,
where every member is released into ministry,
discipled in the Great Commandment to obey the Great Commission."
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
8 Jul 08 - Be a Servant, Not a Martyr!
Love in Action; part of Servanthood,part of humility - willingness to give up what you like/have. God looks at every heart. Let your actions be in love.
In fact, I know I'll really fly to the moon if God would reward me with 'Well done,you good n faithful servant" for demostrating His Love and be a good steward of His blessings...I know I will and I know He will one day..
Be a Servant, Not a Martyr!
by Joyce Meyer
We all know what a martyr is. We’ve all heard heartrending stories of heroic men and women who, down through the ages, have paid the ultimate price and been killed for what they believe. But there's another kind of martyr without courage and nobility. I’m sure we all know one—a great and constant sufferer who’s always willing to share their pain with anyone who will listen. This martyr wants everyone around to know the sacrifices they’re making in their life.
The "martyr trap" is such an easy one to fall into. We start out serving our families and friends and loving it. But after a while, our hearts begin to change and we begin to expect something in return. After all, we're working so hard and sacrificing so much. Eventually, we no longer have the heart of a servant. We become discouraged because our expectations aren't being met. Our attitude sours, and we soon find out we've become mired in self-pity. We’ve become a martyr.
One morning as I got up and went downstairs to make coffee, the Lord encouraged me to make a fruit salad for my husband. Dave loves fruit salad in the morning, and I knew it would be a nice gesture for me to do this for him. He wasn't up yet, so I had time to prepare it and then surprise him with it when he came downstairs.
The problem was I didn't want to make him a fruit salad. I would’ve taken him a banana or an apple, but I didn't want to take the time to cut up all the fruit, put it in a bowl, and then serve it to him. I wanted to go pray and read my Bible instead! I thought, Why do I always have to do this stuff for him? Why doesn't he do things for me? After all, I have to study the Bible and pray. It's my ministry!
It's funny how we sometimes make the mistake of thinking that spiritual activity somehow takes the place of obedience and makes us more holy—because it doesn’t. The Lord patiently reminded me that serving my husband in this way was actually serving Him. So I obediently made the fruit salad and surprised Dave with it when he came downstairs.
I wonder how many marriages could have been saved from divorce if husbands and wives had been willing to show love by serving one another. It seems that everyone today wants to be “free,” and Jesus has indeed set us free. But He never intended for us to use that freedom selfishly. He wants us to serve others.
I definitely love my husband, and sometimes that love is best expressed through service. Words are wonderful, but when you walk in love, your commitment must contain much more than just words. How can I truly love my husband if I never want to do anything for him?
I don't recall getting any particular reward that morning for making Dave's fruit salad. He did thank me, but nothing spectacular happened. However, I'm sure there were rewards of peace and joy in my life that I didn't even realize—benefits of obedience that I didn't even see.
I'm sure we lose a lot of blessings we never even know about simply because we fail to do for others what we would like to have done for us. We always want to be blessed in return by the people we bless, but it doesn't always work that way.
Swallow your pride and save your relationship. Stop talking about all the sacrifices you make and start serving your spouse. Make them the focus, not you and be a servant, not a martyr!
In fact, I know I'll really fly to the moon if God would reward me with 'Well done,you good n faithful servant" for demostrating His Love and be a good steward of His blessings...I know I will and I know He will one day..
Be a Servant, Not a Martyr!
by Joyce Meyer
We all know what a martyr is. We’ve all heard heartrending stories of heroic men and women who, down through the ages, have paid the ultimate price and been killed for what they believe. But there's another kind of martyr without courage and nobility. I’m sure we all know one—a great and constant sufferer who’s always willing to share their pain with anyone who will listen. This martyr wants everyone around to know the sacrifices they’re making in their life.
The "martyr trap" is such an easy one to fall into. We start out serving our families and friends and loving it. But after a while, our hearts begin to change and we begin to expect something in return. After all, we're working so hard and sacrificing so much. Eventually, we no longer have the heart of a servant. We become discouraged because our expectations aren't being met. Our attitude sours, and we soon find out we've become mired in self-pity. We’ve become a martyr.
One morning as I got up and went downstairs to make coffee, the Lord encouraged me to make a fruit salad for my husband. Dave loves fruit salad in the morning, and I knew it would be a nice gesture for me to do this for him. He wasn't up yet, so I had time to prepare it and then surprise him with it when he came downstairs.
The problem was I didn't want to make him a fruit salad. I would’ve taken him a banana or an apple, but I didn't want to take the time to cut up all the fruit, put it in a bowl, and then serve it to him. I wanted to go pray and read my Bible instead! I thought, Why do I always have to do this stuff for him? Why doesn't he do things for me? After all, I have to study the Bible and pray. It's my ministry!
It's funny how we sometimes make the mistake of thinking that spiritual activity somehow takes the place of obedience and makes us more holy—because it doesn’t. The Lord patiently reminded me that serving my husband in this way was actually serving Him. So I obediently made the fruit salad and surprised Dave with it when he came downstairs.
I wonder how many marriages could have been saved from divorce if husbands and wives had been willing to show love by serving one another. It seems that everyone today wants to be “free,” and Jesus has indeed set us free. But He never intended for us to use that freedom selfishly. He wants us to serve others.
I definitely love my husband, and sometimes that love is best expressed through service. Words are wonderful, but when you walk in love, your commitment must contain much more than just words. How can I truly love my husband if I never want to do anything for him?
I don't recall getting any particular reward that morning for making Dave's fruit salad. He did thank me, but nothing spectacular happened. However, I'm sure there were rewards of peace and joy in my life that I didn't even realize—benefits of obedience that I didn't even see.
I'm sure we lose a lot of blessings we never even know about simply because we fail to do for others what we would like to have done for us. We always want to be blessed in return by the people we bless, but it doesn't always work that way.
Swallow your pride and save your relationship. Stop talking about all the sacrifices you make and start serving your spouse. Make them the focus, not you and be a servant, not a martyr!
Monday, July 7, 2008
7 Jul 08 - Search for Righteousness
the moment i woke up, i remembered the sprained ankle - i need to work today..for a moment,i was happy that the ankle pain was gone.But the moment i stepped down from my bed,the pain returns as my weight (not much though-only 41kg) seem to be too heavy for my poor ankle..totally hurtful..
my hugo saw me getting up and back to bed, knowing i'm not rushing off to work this morning.. he jumped unto my bed and snuggled besides me, into to my bosom..like a baby he sleeps while i pat him..it's his way of telling me he's always here for me..perhaps he know i'm in pain cos that's what he did when i was in bad shape..he cant talk but like a son sticks to his mother,he tells me how much i am to him with these little acts for comfort and affection..although we know his first passion is human food, but i suppose i'm next to it.. he is really a smart dog with high situation awareness..can be a real opportunist too..
then my dad came into my room..instead of being sympathetic for my pain,he justified himeself by saying 'See,luckily i never go movie with you all,spend money and get hurt'...honestly, my first reaction to mind was 'hello,no one wants this lor..u didn't want to watch w us cos u've always chose to be hermit - stay in ur room and sleep, eat,sleep." Somehow, i didn't react in my words, i just let him carry on to justify himself for making the right choice and let him smirking away..
This teaching comes to my mind- Righteousness,Peace and Joy. All that we are doing in our lives, everthing that we do now are really seeking for these 3 things all our lives. It's from this inner calling, inner desire to seek for these RPJ, that we make our daily decisions, devise our daily activities and lifestyle. How many times I've the urge to argue back - just to ensure i'm right; how many times i've told people 'See, i told you so'-just to prove i'm right. Being strong-headed and independent, how hard i've tried to be right in order to be righteous so i can fill this Righteousness void in my heart...
Yet, no matter how right we make ourselves, we wont be able to fill this R void in our hearts. How can we find this R to fit perfectly into our R gap? It's like finding the last piece of jigsaw puzzle, but we cant seem to find the right piece which can fit perfectly. We decide to make do with what we find - our morals,perceptions, experiences n the great enlightenment of Science...anything that we can justify ourselves and make us feel right.
Can u imagine how detailed and what delicated fingers God has? He made us in His image, and even crafted this delicately-shaped voids in our hearts which only He can fit. How delicate is His works! We can try to complete our lives with so many things yet nothing, absolutely nothing can fit into the voids except His RPJ..
Maybe you may think-God is selfish or egoist. He created us and yet making us seek for Him, His RPJ..what about the 'free-will' that He has given us? It sounds more like a sabotage plot..
My dear, are you able to create another life in your image? Is the creation greater than the Creator, because of this free-will He has given to His creation? He created us in His perfection which He could have total control over us, but He chose to give us the will which He will never touch. Just imagine this - Michelangelo who painted "The Creation of Adam" gave u his painting brush which he had just used to finish this marvelous painting..what would u do? Holding this brush in hand, do you claim this great painting to be your work? Or, exclaim to the world Michelangelo painted it in great inspiration with this brush that you hold? Who do you choose to give this glory - yourself or Michelangelo?
That is how great God love us! God created us, yet gave us will. We can take this will to give glory to ourselves n justify our own righteousness, or take this will to give glory to God who is Righteous. Too profound? Take some time to think about it, ok?
I pray one day everyone on earth will turn to God to fill these voids..to complete us.
...btw my dad just came back into my room.. His attitude is totally different from the self-satisfactory smirk earlier on..He asked about my ankle again in totally different tone. What can i say..miracles do happen, but do you recognise these miracles in your life? Regard them as 'coincidents' or 'some sense finally gets into his thick head' or give thanks to God who is always working to make impossible possible??
The brush is on your hands, I leave it to your decision.
my hugo saw me getting up and back to bed, knowing i'm not rushing off to work this morning.. he jumped unto my bed and snuggled besides me, into to my bosom..like a baby he sleeps while i pat him..it's his way of telling me he's always here for me..perhaps he know i'm in pain cos that's what he did when i was in bad shape..he cant talk but like a son sticks to his mother,he tells me how much i am to him with these little acts for comfort and affection..although we know his first passion is human food, but i suppose i'm next to it.. he is really a smart dog with high situation awareness..can be a real opportunist too..
then my dad came into my room..instead of being sympathetic for my pain,he justified himeself by saying 'See,luckily i never go movie with you all,spend money and get hurt'...honestly, my first reaction to mind was 'hello,no one wants this lor..u didn't want to watch w us cos u've always chose to be hermit - stay in ur room and sleep, eat,sleep." Somehow, i didn't react in my words, i just let him carry on to justify himself for making the right choice and let him smirking away..
This teaching comes to my mind- Righteousness,Peace and Joy. All that we are doing in our lives, everthing that we do now are really seeking for these 3 things all our lives. It's from this inner calling, inner desire to seek for these RPJ, that we make our daily decisions, devise our daily activities and lifestyle. How many times I've the urge to argue back - just to ensure i'm right; how many times i've told people 'See, i told you so'-just to prove i'm right. Being strong-headed and independent, how hard i've tried to be right in order to be righteous so i can fill this Righteousness void in my heart...
Yet, no matter how right we make ourselves, we wont be able to fill this R void in our hearts. How can we find this R to fit perfectly into our R gap? It's like finding the last piece of jigsaw puzzle, but we cant seem to find the right piece which can fit perfectly. We decide to make do with what we find - our morals,perceptions, experiences n the great enlightenment of Science...anything that we can justify ourselves and make us feel right.
Can u imagine how detailed and what delicated fingers God has? He made us in His image, and even crafted this delicately-shaped voids in our hearts which only He can fit. How delicate is His works! We can try to complete our lives with so many things yet nothing, absolutely nothing can fit into the voids except His RPJ..
Maybe you may think-God is selfish or egoist. He created us and yet making us seek for Him, His RPJ..what about the 'free-will' that He has given us? It sounds more like a sabotage plot..
My dear, are you able to create another life in your image? Is the creation greater than the Creator, because of this free-will He has given to His creation? He created us in His perfection which He could have total control over us, but He chose to give us the will which He will never touch. Just imagine this - Michelangelo who painted "The Creation of Adam" gave u his painting brush which he had just used to finish this marvelous painting..what would u do? Holding this brush in hand, do you claim this great painting to be your work? Or, exclaim to the world Michelangelo painted it in great inspiration with this brush that you hold? Who do you choose to give this glory - yourself or Michelangelo?
That is how great God love us! God created us, yet gave us will. We can take this will to give glory to ourselves n justify our own righteousness, or take this will to give glory to God who is Righteous. Too profound? Take some time to think about it, ok?
I pray one day everyone on earth will turn to God to fill these voids..to complete us.
...btw my dad just came back into my room.. His attitude is totally different from the self-satisfactory smirk earlier on..He asked about my ankle again in totally different tone. What can i say..miracles do happen, but do you recognise these miracles in your life? Regard them as 'coincidents' or 'some sense finally gets into his thick head' or give thanks to God who is always working to make impossible possible??
The brush is on your hands, I leave it to your decision.
Sunday, July 6, 2008
6 Jul 08 - I am crying..and sprained my ankle
I cried..really cried my heart out again.. whole heart..painful..so painful.. Even as I'm writing now, i'm weeping...i know only God can heal this pain, He'll bottle all my tears.. God, please help me..
i just watched "10 Promises to My Dog" with my mum, 2 sis and my sis' bf (YX).. I know i'll cry cos it's a animal show and i'm very attached to animals.. I had prepared for it.. but.. i cried.. my heart cried.. not becos of the movie plot, but bcos i miss B.. I really miss B. The last time I watched this type of show, i watched with him n his mum..this 10 promises reminded me of the promises in our relationship- what we discussed, what we committed.. And golden retriever is B's favourite dog..loyal and trust-worthy..
To be fair to the movie, it is really very good - it reflects how we desire for something, so much joy when we have it, how promises are made when it is easy to commit; yet as days go by, we find it as a burden - so suffocating that we just wish we can put it aside and take a breather; only to look back and realise how much we've failed in our promises, and even regret..if only we treasure every moments we had-good times and bad times...
To me,every scene is not so much about Socks and Akari, but about B and me..
I weeped like i've never did..in the darkness of the theater, while we were walking out of the cinema and even when we were out of the complex, i just cannot help crying.. I miss B, I love B.. still do..I learnt last night not to simply tolerate this pain inside and live on, but to lift it up to the Lord..i tried, i did..i prayed in my heart like i've ever known how..the Lord's prayer, Hail Mary, whatever..Everyone tried to comfort me, saying my dog Hugo is still alive - dont be so sad and tried to tease me.. but i don't think they know i'm actually crying for B..
In fact, even Hugo reminds me of B.. cos it was B who brought Hugo to my life..how Hugo suddenly barked at B one night, when he had to ride out to MRT to fetch his mum's bicycle back..I still remember how both of us were puzzled by Hugo's sudden strange reaction, and how i was so worried that B might meet some accident on his ride out, as if Hugo's barking was a 'warning'..how i prayed for his safety while waiting anxiously with Hugo in his house..I really cannot afford him to meet with any mishap..cannot afford anything of any hurt to him at all..
my sis n mum wanted to go for dinner, even though i'm weeping like a baby behind them..it was really embarrassing to walk into the coffee shop, knowing no matter how i tried to look normal, my eyes and nose are really red, obviously red..even though there're not many people in coffeeshop, but everyone turned to my direction..i know it was really embarrassing, yet i cant help it.. i'm really trying so hard not to embarrass myself, stop the tears flowing n look normal..but i guess my face just tell everyone that i'm super super depressed.. as if i've just has a tiff with my bf..even YX teased me that i've won the super emotional title.. i know i really looked like crap..
i didnt eat..simply tried to calm myself down with prayers in my heart..how glad i was when we can finally leave and go home..
then i sprained my ankle. for the first time in my life, i actually sprained my ankle. now i know why people look so painful when they have sprained ankle, cos it's really painful..For a skilled high-heel walker since 16yrs old, i can even run with my 3" heels, how could i sprain my ankle with only 1" shoe? whatever it is, it's really hurtful.. my mum had to support me all the way to take cab, and up my home..even my bathing time is so fast so i cant support myself for long..
i tell u, times like these really make me think of B even more.. not that he'll be able to carry me or support me (he's pretty bad in handling my 'emergencies'/'accidents') but if only i could call to tell him i'm in pain..and to hear his care..
I know i have to let go esp after being prayed n ministered in letting go.. i know letting go is a process..but can anyone really understand the depth of my love for B..if you think it's more or less the same of that for TH, Lawrence, or even GQ, you are very wrong.. if it's more or less the same for B, i wont be in that state.. i really love B..so much that I scare myself(even till now); so much that i was willing to cut off my contact with GQ in order to assure B but only to make use of GQ to spite B during my silent protest (fyi, GQ n I were on very good terms since i'm 16yrs old, so good that we even explored the possibilty of long-distance relationship, but we decided to maintain this friendship..cos i've found someone who really share my faith, filled my heart with complete joy n share my faith in the meaning of love)..that is how much i love B..
Silly? yes - i know..if only you love someone that much, u wont feel silly for doing those silly things..esp so for us girls, we usually are teh ones who will do all we can to secure this love, giving our all and best when we think it's our prayer answered..Nothing is silly in love..
..finally...my tears vault is dried up now..Jesus finally can close his bottle on my tears..my eyes are super swollen as my ankle now..n tmr i have to work..great job,J..leave the room for Jesus now,give Him all access into all the rooms of your life..He knows,He feels n He'll restore..let go and let God.
Please pray for me..thank you
i just watched "10 Promises to My Dog" with my mum, 2 sis and my sis' bf (YX).. I know i'll cry cos it's a animal show and i'm very attached to animals.. I had prepared for it.. but.. i cried.. my heart cried.. not becos of the movie plot, but bcos i miss B.. I really miss B. The last time I watched this type of show, i watched with him n his mum..this 10 promises reminded me of the promises in our relationship- what we discussed, what we committed.. And golden retriever is B's favourite dog..loyal and trust-worthy..
To be fair to the movie, it is really very good - it reflects how we desire for something, so much joy when we have it, how promises are made when it is easy to commit; yet as days go by, we find it as a burden - so suffocating that we just wish we can put it aside and take a breather; only to look back and realise how much we've failed in our promises, and even regret..if only we treasure every moments we had-good times and bad times...
To me,every scene is not so much about Socks and Akari, but about B and me..
I weeped like i've never did..in the darkness of the theater, while we were walking out of the cinema and even when we were out of the complex, i just cannot help crying.. I miss B, I love B.. still do..I learnt last night not to simply tolerate this pain inside and live on, but to lift it up to the Lord..i tried, i did..i prayed in my heart like i've ever known how..the Lord's prayer, Hail Mary, whatever..Everyone tried to comfort me, saying my dog Hugo is still alive - dont be so sad and tried to tease me.. but i don't think they know i'm actually crying for B..
In fact, even Hugo reminds me of B.. cos it was B who brought Hugo to my life..how Hugo suddenly barked at B one night, when he had to ride out to MRT to fetch his mum's bicycle back..I still remember how both of us were puzzled by Hugo's sudden strange reaction, and how i was so worried that B might meet some accident on his ride out, as if Hugo's barking was a 'warning'..how i prayed for his safety while waiting anxiously with Hugo in his house..I really cannot afford him to meet with any mishap..cannot afford anything of any hurt to him at all..
my sis n mum wanted to go for dinner, even though i'm weeping like a baby behind them..it was really embarrassing to walk into the coffee shop, knowing no matter how i tried to look normal, my eyes and nose are really red, obviously red..even though there're not many people in coffeeshop, but everyone turned to my direction..i know it was really embarrassing, yet i cant help it.. i'm really trying so hard not to embarrass myself, stop the tears flowing n look normal..but i guess my face just tell everyone that i'm super super depressed.. as if i've just has a tiff with my bf..even YX teased me that i've won the super emotional title.. i know i really looked like crap..
i didnt eat..simply tried to calm myself down with prayers in my heart..how glad i was when we can finally leave and go home..
then i sprained my ankle. for the first time in my life, i actually sprained my ankle. now i know why people look so painful when they have sprained ankle, cos it's really painful..For a skilled high-heel walker since 16yrs old, i can even run with my 3" heels, how could i sprain my ankle with only 1" shoe? whatever it is, it's really hurtful.. my mum had to support me all the way to take cab, and up my home..even my bathing time is so fast so i cant support myself for long..
i tell u, times like these really make me think of B even more.. not that he'll be able to carry me or support me (he's pretty bad in handling my 'emergencies'/'accidents') but if only i could call to tell him i'm in pain..and to hear his care..
I know i have to let go esp after being prayed n ministered in letting go.. i know letting go is a process..but can anyone really understand the depth of my love for B..if you think it's more or less the same of that for TH, Lawrence, or even GQ, you are very wrong.. if it's more or less the same for B, i wont be in that state.. i really love B..so much that I scare myself(even till now); so much that i was willing to cut off my contact with GQ in order to assure B but only to make use of GQ to spite B during my silent protest (fyi, GQ n I were on very good terms since i'm 16yrs old, so good that we even explored the possibilty of long-distance relationship, but we decided to maintain this friendship..cos i've found someone who really share my faith, filled my heart with complete joy n share my faith in the meaning of love)..that is how much i love B..
Silly? yes - i know..if only you love someone that much, u wont feel silly for doing those silly things..esp so for us girls, we usually are teh ones who will do all we can to secure this love, giving our all and best when we think it's our prayer answered..Nothing is silly in love..
..finally...my tears vault is dried up now..Jesus finally can close his bottle on my tears..my eyes are super swollen as my ankle now..n tmr i have to work..great job,J..leave the room for Jesus now,give Him all access into all the rooms of your life..He knows,He feels n He'll restore..let go and let God.
Please pray for me..thank you
Saturday, July 5, 2008
5 Jul 08 - Rev Mike Connell's blessing to my soul
God answers prayers, even when we don't feel (think) he's listening or around us. For past weeks, I was disappointed with myself for allowing myself in this spiritual roller-coaster ride..I know something is holding me back from my breakthrough,and to make thing worse, I actually 'somehow' know what is it that's holding me.. Why didn't I resolve it then? Maybe cos it's my fear of facing it, cos I know it'll cause pain in my heart again..I'd rather adopt the 'bear the current pain and i'll get over it' + 'build a wall to protect myself in future' attitude.
I know I have to let go..but I still love B alot,alot, miss him alot,alot..I even prayed that I'll meet him in my nightly dreams..though I still do not dare to face him in person.. I'll still read his sms (I've saved every of his assuring, loving sms and even 'good morning' greetings from the start of our relationship) and I'll wonder how is he going to account "my word is my bond", "i'll love u with God's love", "i will always love u darling"... It's like I've let go of the 95% yet holding onto the 5%..I'm confused by the discrepancy in the affirmation we had received for this relationship,and what's happening now.
This struggle is even more intense today..I felt the tag so strong in my heart during Novena,during my tuitions..Esp so when i was in my cab towards Rev Mike Connell's service in CHC. (To sidetrack a bit - My ex-cell member asked me if i like Rev Mike's preaching, cos i initiated joining out of a sudden.To be very frank, I don't even remember what's Mike Connnell's ministry is about..faith??healing??Revival??...I just dunno..I just feel like going..Anyway, Pastor Mike is like my spiritual grandfather. He's been mentoring Pastor Kong and the church since 1989)
Anyway..there I was rushing to Expo Hall 8 after my 3-5pm tuition, in a silver cab.. The journey seem so slow - traffic lights and slow-moving cars..I nearly got so frustrated, before I turned to God..(fyi, whenever I attend CHC service,somehow my journey to church will be full of delay factors which will frustrate me..but that's the more I know greater things are in stored for me in service. N I've learnt through years that the best response to traffic frustration is to turn to God) Back in my cab ride towards Expo, I heard His voice again..(why must this kind of experience always happen to me in cab?) I know I have to let go..totally..not with my strength but in His strength...
1st thanksgiving: I was able to reach church on time for 5.30 service, despite the long slow journey for the tight time allowance.
Really felt like back home again.though it's been so long since i attended CHC service,but i 'just know' where my cellgroup will be sitting..(fyi,seats in CHC are very hot and ursher are very firm- no reservation of seats 10mins before service, but if u dun ask ur cell to reserve,u might not have seat at all, esp for guest speaker's preaching). The moment I entered behind the curtains, the presence of God is already so strong..strong praise and worship, strong prayer languages..everyone is simply soaking and preparing themselves for a great time in the Lord. Totally awesome..nowhere I'd rather be than to be in His presence like this.
2nd thanksgiving: unexpected powerful ministering in the Spirit
Like i said, greater things awaits for me in service. Pastor Mike's simple message really speaks affirmation to my heart..The message I heard in my cab was totally affirmed by the preaching. Overcoming Disappointment - my hand was so busy taking down notes, I really want to take as much 'pebbles' as I can..Simply cant afford to miss anything in Spirit. You cannot imagine how blessed I am to receive this biblical teaching! It's just so timely! Too much of an coincident! I really dived in and drink as much as I can..nothing can distract me from drinking His living waters..His Word to my soul.
3rd thanksgiving: very supportive and strong discipleship cell - N277
it's been so long since i spent time with my cell..in fact, I was quite hesitant to share cos some may not understand why I crossed over.. But God is good! in fact, He is GREAT! No one felt any 'gap' at all, it's as if I've always been with them. Talk about quality fellowship - we really share our lives n edify with one another in the Word! I really love this kind of fellowship, Godly fellowship...Food, chatting and catching-up become so minor when we share God's promises and revelation with one another, reminding and encouraging through God's everlasting words.
I thank God for Valerie - she is such a strong leader in Spiritual matters (u cannot believe how i used to have discipleship issues with her when i first joined the cell, she is really that strong! It required God to speak to me so sternly before I could submit myself willingly under her discipleship) Though she is stern, but she is a woman of vision too. She really cares for her sheep (us) so much that sometimes she'll rather incovenient herself and take the burden on her own shoulders (even when she's pregnant). What a spirit of leadership!
I thank God for Delia - my knowledgeable, firm yet ever soft-spoken sister. We didn't really know each other for long, but the connection we share is really.. she is my sister! I really look up to her. I guess, besides my spiritual leader whom I have to give accountability to, Delia is one I'll for sure keep her updated on my life, be it personal or spiritual. She does not have to reply or say much, but you know she is listening with her heart.. And you can always count on her to pray, cos she is so close with the Spirit..
I am just so blessed today!! Totally soaked in Holy Spirit, the joy of worship.. how I wished I've invited Lydia to come with me.. She'll be so blessed and u will really see her jumping with joy in the Lord! :)
I know I have to let go..but I still love B alot,alot, miss him alot,alot..I even prayed that I'll meet him in my nightly dreams..though I still do not dare to face him in person.. I'll still read his sms (I've saved every of his assuring, loving sms and even 'good morning' greetings from the start of our relationship) and I'll wonder how is he going to account "my word is my bond", "i'll love u with God's love", "i will always love u darling"... It's like I've let go of the 95% yet holding onto the 5%..I'm confused by the discrepancy in the affirmation we had received for this relationship,and what's happening now.
This struggle is even more intense today..I felt the tag so strong in my heart during Novena,during my tuitions..Esp so when i was in my cab towards Rev Mike Connell's service in CHC. (To sidetrack a bit - My ex-cell member asked me if i like Rev Mike's preaching, cos i initiated joining out of a sudden.To be very frank, I don't even remember what's Mike Connnell's ministry is about..faith??healing??Revival??...I just dunno..I just feel like going..Anyway, Pastor Mike is like my spiritual grandfather. He's been mentoring Pastor Kong and the church since 1989)
Anyway..there I was rushing to Expo Hall 8 after my 3-5pm tuition, in a silver cab.. The journey seem so slow - traffic lights and slow-moving cars..I nearly got so frustrated, before I turned to God..(fyi, whenever I attend CHC service,somehow my journey to church will be full of delay factors which will frustrate me..but that's the more I know greater things are in stored for me in service. N I've learnt through years that the best response to traffic frustration is to turn to God) Back in my cab ride towards Expo, I heard His voice again..(why must this kind of experience always happen to me in cab?) I know I have to let go..totally..not with my strength but in His strength...
1st thanksgiving: I was able to reach church on time for 5.30 service, despite the long slow journey for the tight time allowance.
Really felt like back home again.though it's been so long since i attended CHC service,but i 'just know' where my cellgroup will be sitting..(fyi,seats in CHC are very hot and ursher are very firm- no reservation of seats 10mins before service, but if u dun ask ur cell to reserve,u might not have seat at all, esp for guest speaker's preaching). The moment I entered behind the curtains, the presence of God is already so strong..strong praise and worship, strong prayer languages..everyone is simply soaking and preparing themselves for a great time in the Lord. Totally awesome..nowhere I'd rather be than to be in His presence like this.
2nd thanksgiving: unexpected powerful ministering in the Spirit
Like i said, greater things awaits for me in service. Pastor Mike's simple message really speaks affirmation to my heart..The message I heard in my cab was totally affirmed by the preaching. Overcoming Disappointment - my hand was so busy taking down notes, I really want to take as much 'pebbles' as I can..Simply cant afford to miss anything in Spirit. You cannot imagine how blessed I am to receive this biblical teaching! It's just so timely! Too much of an coincident! I really dived in and drink as much as I can..nothing can distract me from drinking His living waters..His Word to my soul.
3rd thanksgiving: very supportive and strong discipleship cell - N277
it's been so long since i spent time with my cell..in fact, I was quite hesitant to share cos some may not understand why I crossed over.. But God is good! in fact, He is GREAT! No one felt any 'gap' at all, it's as if I've always been with them. Talk about quality fellowship - we really share our lives n edify with one another in the Word! I really love this kind of fellowship, Godly fellowship...Food, chatting and catching-up become so minor when we share God's promises and revelation with one another, reminding and encouraging through God's everlasting words.
I thank God for Valerie - she is such a strong leader in Spiritual matters (u cannot believe how i used to have discipleship issues with her when i first joined the cell, she is really that strong! It required God to speak to me so sternly before I could submit myself willingly under her discipleship) Though she is stern, but she is a woman of vision too. She really cares for her sheep (us) so much that sometimes she'll rather incovenient herself and take the burden on her own shoulders (even when she's pregnant). What a spirit of leadership!
I thank God for Delia - my knowledgeable, firm yet ever soft-spoken sister. We didn't really know each other for long, but the connection we share is really.. she is my sister! I really look up to her. I guess, besides my spiritual leader whom I have to give accountability to, Delia is one I'll for sure keep her updated on my life, be it personal or spiritual. She does not have to reply or say much, but you know she is listening with her heart.. And you can always count on her to pray, cos she is so close with the Spirit..
I am just so blessed today!! Totally soaked in Holy Spirit, the joy of worship.. how I wished I've invited Lydia to come with me.. She'll be so blessed and u will really see her jumping with joy in the Lord! :)
4 Jul 08 - If only I had picked more pebbles
on a more serious note, i'd like to open up my inner thoughts and reflections on this space again.. it's been so long since i reflected..so choked up by work and other concerns..
Have u heard of the story of 'picking stones in the dark'? 2 men were travelling through the night when they heard this compelling voice to pick up pebbles from the ground. It was dark and they were tired. In order to obey this voice, they just picked up a pebble each and went on their way. When the day came, they were surprised to see the 'pebbles' they picked were actually precious gems! How they wished they could have picked more then. (I hope u understand this story, i'm just trying to summarize it as much as I remember. This is a story I heard before, but cant remember the exact details now.)
That is the way I'm feeling now.. I thank God for revealing so much of Himself to me in this journey, I thank Him for seeing me through my depression..and I thank God for leading me INTO depression. Because of my depression, I experienced the times when my ears were so sensitive to hear from God directly, I experienced the times when my heart was so sensitive to Holy Spirit..My prayers were so intense with all my mind, heart and soul. 2-way communication with God was so easy, and every word of God cant wait to jump out to feed me... That is what I desire now..If only I could pick more of these pebbles up when I was in depression..
Do people have to be in critical condition in order to experience God? And why those 'supernatural' experiences seems to die off when things are 'back-to-normal'? I'm not saying we should live by sights, but where have all those sensitivity gone to? When we clung onto God as our only Source, only Hope, our prayer life is such an wonderful experience. But when things are 'better' in our own situations, where is this 'hold-on-for-your-life' grip? We know and experience such wonderous joy from such grip, yet why do we loosen it now? Of course, Jesus is always with us, closer than our very breathe, despite our spiritual hypes and downs. But why do I allow my spiritual life to go down? ... I really miss the 'grip' I had onto Jesus..Miss the intimate relationship with the Most High, face to face..the mighty flow of Holy Spirit in my life..
but i don't want to go through another depression..This is NOT the way God has in plan for anyone!! He allows us to experience critical conditions so we will draw closer to Him, but it's NEVER in His plan for us to stay in it 'so we can continue to be in His presence'...Trust me, whoever tells u to stay in such pit in order for God to work in u, is really crapping to u. God led us into the pit to break us, so we can focus on Him. But He'll never want us to stay in this pit to focus on Him. He desires us to be overcomers for His Glory! He will sees us through the pit, but it's up to us again to decide on our focus after our rescue. that's how democratic is our God.. He loves us so much that He let us taste His goodness first-hand, then He let us decide if we want to stay in this goodness..It's like buying sweets from Jesus- He let us taste before we decide to buy or not..
Matt 6:33
"Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you."
Have u heard of the story of 'picking stones in the dark'? 2 men were travelling through the night when they heard this compelling voice to pick up pebbles from the ground. It was dark and they were tired. In order to obey this voice, they just picked up a pebble each and went on their way. When the day came, they were surprised to see the 'pebbles' they picked were actually precious gems! How they wished they could have picked more then. (I hope u understand this story, i'm just trying to summarize it as much as I remember. This is a story I heard before, but cant remember the exact details now.)
That is the way I'm feeling now.. I thank God for revealing so much of Himself to me in this journey, I thank Him for seeing me through my depression..and I thank God for leading me INTO depression. Because of my depression, I experienced the times when my ears were so sensitive to hear from God directly, I experienced the times when my heart was so sensitive to Holy Spirit..My prayers were so intense with all my mind, heart and soul. 2-way communication with God was so easy, and every word of God cant wait to jump out to feed me... That is what I desire now..If only I could pick more of these pebbles up when I was in depression..
Do people have to be in critical condition in order to experience God? And why those 'supernatural' experiences seems to die off when things are 'back-to-normal'? I'm not saying we should live by sights, but where have all those sensitivity gone to? When we clung onto God as our only Source, only Hope, our prayer life is such an wonderful experience. But when things are 'better' in our own situations, where is this 'hold-on-for-your-life' grip? We know and experience such wonderous joy from such grip, yet why do we loosen it now? Of course, Jesus is always with us, closer than our very breathe, despite our spiritual hypes and downs. But why do I allow my spiritual life to go down? ... I really miss the 'grip' I had onto Jesus..Miss the intimate relationship with the Most High, face to face..the mighty flow of Holy Spirit in my life..
but i don't want to go through another depression..This is NOT the way God has in plan for anyone!! He allows us to experience critical conditions so we will draw closer to Him, but it's NEVER in His plan for us to stay in it 'so we can continue to be in His presence'...Trust me, whoever tells u to stay in such pit in order for God to work in u, is really crapping to u. God led us into the pit to break us, so we can focus on Him. But He'll never want us to stay in this pit to focus on Him. He desires us to be overcomers for His Glory! He will sees us through the pit, but it's up to us again to decide on our focus after our rescue. that's how democratic is our God.. He loves us so much that He let us taste His goodness first-hand, then He let us decide if we want to stay in this goodness..It's like buying sweets from Jesus- He let us taste before we decide to buy or not..
Matt 6:33
"Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you."
4 Jul 08 - Gregory
Are you wondering where J has been these days - she is not logging in her blog..and cant contact her as she seems so busy these days n has stubbornly decided not to be tech-slave (Can u imagine that?! No HP?!)..J's Diary is becoming J's Journal??
Well, people, I'm back.. finally finshed 2 companies migration projects for my company. Past weeks, work had been so intense that our team even had no time to go washroom - once we sat on our seats, the battle started. Can u imagine the tons of emails, org data and process charts to follow-up and complete by 1July? Mind u, we are talking about migrating thousands of international employees from the new acquisition. On top of that we have ever-incoming requests from our existing employees..To the extend that I kinda wish if we could work on only 1 time-zone. Working with so many countries with diff time-zones, you simply cannot see any 'resting gap' in our email inbox. Totally insane.. Thank God, the battle is over now.. May the dust settle down now..
I finally managed to leave on-time today (though i still have to bring work home)..I missed AMP last week and Hospi cell-group meeting due to work, n cant wait to join them today.(Can u imagine I actually dreamt of my Hospi girls just 2 nights ago??..simply miss them) I guess God knows i miss them.. I wanted to take MRT via shuttlebus but I felt this 'tag' to change my direction towards public busstop instead.. the moment I followed this tag, I saw Bus571 (private bus) approaching busstop. Trust me, all my days of working there, I've NEVER seen this bus at all! I don't even know its arriving schedule. But yet the moment i reach busstop, it came n it's going DIRECTLY to Hougang Ave 8!! What can I say? It's just so flow n 'coincidental', right? :)
But do u know what really made my heart shouts with thanks? - Gregory.
Grey was really very reserved n skeptical during YISS (he's in my group). He even told me AMP is not his cup of tea - the lifting of hands, the 'hippy' praise and worship.. etc. That is why I cannot help shouting praises to God when I saw Greg again tonight (He was here for past sessions aft YISS). Can u imagine how happy I am when I saw he's lifting his hands, clapping along during praise and worship? And even taking sermon notes!! It's really amazing how God works.. His ways are indeed higher than our ways. He never fails to amaze me with what He can do :) Totally in awe..
Well, people, I'm back.. finally finshed 2 companies migration projects for my company. Past weeks, work had been so intense that our team even had no time to go washroom - once we sat on our seats, the battle started. Can u imagine the tons of emails, org data and process charts to follow-up and complete by 1July? Mind u, we are talking about migrating thousands of international employees from the new acquisition. On top of that we have ever-incoming requests from our existing employees..To the extend that I kinda wish if we could work on only 1 time-zone. Working with so many countries with diff time-zones, you simply cannot see any 'resting gap' in our email inbox. Totally insane.. Thank God, the battle is over now.. May the dust settle down now..
I finally managed to leave on-time today (though i still have to bring work home)..I missed AMP last week and Hospi cell-group meeting due to work, n cant wait to join them today.(Can u imagine I actually dreamt of my Hospi girls just 2 nights ago??..simply miss them) I guess God knows i miss them.. I wanted to take MRT via shuttlebus but I felt this 'tag' to change my direction towards public busstop instead.. the moment I followed this tag, I saw Bus571 (private bus) approaching busstop. Trust me, all my days of working there, I've NEVER seen this bus at all! I don't even know its arriving schedule. But yet the moment i reach busstop, it came n it's going DIRECTLY to Hougang Ave 8!! What can I say? It's just so flow n 'coincidental', right? :)
But do u know what really made my heart shouts with thanks? - Gregory.
Grey was really very reserved n skeptical during YISS (he's in my group). He even told me AMP is not his cup of tea - the lifting of hands, the 'hippy' praise and worship.. etc. That is why I cannot help shouting praises to God when I saw Greg again tonight (He was here for past sessions aft YISS). Can u imagine how happy I am when I saw he's lifting his hands, clapping along during praise and worship? And even taking sermon notes!! It's really amazing how God works.. His ways are indeed higher than our ways. He never fails to amaze me with what He can do :) Totally in awe..
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