The whole of last night, I tried not to be emotional n to get a hold on myself.. before i trigger any depression..I really do not want to start on the pills again.. It was hard..really hard..when I was crying in a corner of my bed, my heart cried with me..it's really hard not to cry..I tried my best..I ended up with puffy eyes this morning.
Honestly, I was not really in the mood for social gathering today after the sleepless torture..But I know I have to go, somehow somewhat..And indeed, i received a lot of surprises today.
1) My daddy (Godfather) told me he has been reading my blog diligently since what happened..I don't know about you, but I really didn't expect him to read it often at all! Firstly, he's a busy man with a lot of activities in his mind - work, RCIA, and even his house moving plan. Though he seems to be taking everything in its stride, but I know he's the 'details guy'. I don't know if he saw my 'Oh my gosh' face in the backseat of his car, I was really blessed and surprise.. Secondly, once reading some of my diary you'll know they seem to be talking about the similiar thing, I'm sure it wont take me long to 'switch to another channel', only return to read once in a while..
hmm...does it mean I have to be careful of what i'm writting here? Gosh, for goodness' sake, this IS my personal space..and he is my daddy, who IS entitled to know about me. What are you thinking, J?
(p/s: daddy,if u think i'm turning religious freak/wrong in my views, do let me know ok? and if you want to know more about my thoughts, just have a chat :) You know I'm open to you on everything)
2) It's really a eye-opener when I saw how 'pro' was my daddy in billiard. During lunch break, some of them had a game in the billiard room. You should see how accurate he is! I still do not believe that he has not been playing for ages. Seriously, he's THAT good! (And, I'm not saying this on my blog cos I know he's reading this! Don't believe? You can challenge him one day.) I cannot imagine those days when he could be one of those guys in pub/clubs spending so much time 'practising'..I know he is very fun-loving, but THAT fun-loving??
3) I cant express for all who joined the gathering today. But I, for one, really surprised to find myself enjoying VERY MUCH. Not because of the great hand-made food, but because of the fun, laughter and joy which did not seem to fill us up, since it started.. Everyone, I mean, EVERYONE,not matter how reserved they are in our usual Wednesday sessions, the participation level is great! Yes, maybe because the sponsors are really 'high' but the inquiriers (or shall I say 'catechumens' now) also joined in the 'high' fun. It really didn't feel like a planned gathering at all! We are just a bunch of crazy friends, playing those youngsters' games, making fools of ourselves (esp during charades!!), and we simply enjoy every moment of it! I also get to know more names to put onto the familiar faces I see each week. It's like a reunion gathering, rather than 'first' gathering..
4) The surprise of the surprises: After the end of the event, I ended up being the only catechumen in the group again. Trust me, it can be really stressing when the core team started to discuss about the RCIA process and their plans..It's really an honour to be 'part of the team' though I'm not even baptised yet. But such honour comes with responsibility as well. They kinda get used to have me being 'the only catechumen' in the group..so used that they nominated me for the Christmas party planning!!! (At this point, even my good brothers-John and David 'ousted' me out from their group..what good brothers!)
I must say I'm honoured, GREATLY honoured! Because in this process, there are a lot of 'rising stars' who getting active and open to be bonded..And their experience are a lot richer than mine. Plus, I've just adapted to my new lifestyle.. this really came as an HONOUR! Though my daddy commented that I should see it coming when I asked him to be my Godfather, well, honestly I really not expecting such honour. Responsibility to be a sponsor - yes; but honour to organise such activity - no.
Mentally I know it's no problem for me to organise such functions..afterall, my dear J, you're in Human Resource and had plenty of such welfare&recreation projects before..Such Christmas party should be a piece of cake for u, esp it's only 80-100pax! OK, that's what rationale is telling me..But I still have my personal concerns ok? I know myself - I'm quite a perfectionist in my work, especially so in event planning (afterall i'm from hotel & tourism industry). What if I cannot deliver my expectations? What if I cannot cope with the stress i'll give myself? Afterall,planning for company events the HR committee is 'expert' and it's our part of our ricebowl, for goodness sake...See, even right now, my mind is going racing with all the ideas and contemplation...
***
OK people, help me out. If you know anywhere in Singapore is a good Christmas party place, for esti 100pax. I try not to entertain the conventional function room concepts, ok? Hope this year will be a innovative one, for all kids, young and matured. Haa.. Set the standard!
HELP, LEAVE A COMMENT!
Monday, May 19, 2008
Sunday, May 18, 2008
18 May 08 - 風中的羽翼 Wings of Wind
Just as I'm thinking about life, thinking about B.. This song came and touches my heart.. I don't listen to Chinese songs, but this one is just so simple..it simply come and touches me so deeply...i cried..
********
風中的羽翼 (Wings of Wind)
黑夜過後太陽就要升起 暴風雨過後也就會天晴
讓我們一起手牽手向前 彩虹就在我們心底
人生路一定有風也有雨 用淚水灌溉生命的勇氣
用希望化作風中的羽翼 讓夢帶走心中的憂鬱
(Sun will still rise after night, sky will still clear after storm;
Let us move forward in unity, with rainbow in our hearts;
Life has its tests and trials, have courage to endure in tears;
May hope become wings of wind, may dreams carry our gloom away)
你陪伴我穿越過高山和大海
我的心有你才會澎湃
我願意放棄所有堅持和驕傲
相信你因為相信愛
(You accompany me over mountains and seas;
My heart races because of you;
I'm willing to give up all stubborness and pride;
Believe in you because of love)
人生路一定有風也有雨 用淚水灌溉生命的勇氣
用希望化作風中的羽翼 讓夢帶走心中的憂鬱
你陪伴我穿越過高山和大海
我的心有你才會澎湃
我願意放棄所有堅持和驕傲
相信你因為相信愛
你陪伴我穿越過高山和大海
我的心有你才會澎湃
我願意放棄所有堅持和驕傲
相信你因為相信愛
黑夜過後太陽就要升起
暴風雨過後也就會天晴
用希望化作風中的羽翼
讓夢帶走心中的憂鬱
相信愛因為相信你
(Believe in love because of you)
********
風中的羽翼 (Wings of Wind)
黑夜過後太陽就要升起 暴風雨過後也就會天晴
讓我們一起手牽手向前 彩虹就在我們心底
人生路一定有風也有雨 用淚水灌溉生命的勇氣
用希望化作風中的羽翼 讓夢帶走心中的憂鬱
(Sun will still rise after night, sky will still clear after storm;
Let us move forward in unity, with rainbow in our hearts;
Life has its tests and trials, have courage to endure in tears;
May hope become wings of wind, may dreams carry our gloom away)
你陪伴我穿越過高山和大海
我的心有你才會澎湃
我願意放棄所有堅持和驕傲
相信你因為相信愛
(You accompany me over mountains and seas;
My heart races because of you;
I'm willing to give up all stubborness and pride;
Believe in you because of love)
人生路一定有風也有雨 用淚水灌溉生命的勇氣
用希望化作風中的羽翼 讓夢帶走心中的憂鬱
你陪伴我穿越過高山和大海
我的心有你才會澎湃
我願意放棄所有堅持和驕傲
相信你因為相信愛
你陪伴我穿越過高山和大海
我的心有你才會澎湃
我願意放棄所有堅持和驕傲
相信你因為相信愛
黑夜過後太陽就要升起
暴風雨過後也就會天晴
用希望化作風中的羽翼
讓夢帶走心中的憂鬱
相信愛因為相信你
(Believe in love because of you)
18 May 08 - Life is fragile
I wanted to share my revelation in church today, on this Trinity Sunday..But I've a stronger feeling to share what I've wanted to share this whole week...Life is fragile..
All of you do not know this - I have a really good 'sister' in Taiwan. We met in the company orientation camp, and we were close to each other, even though the camp was only 1week. Her name is Rose. She is a cheerful and strong girl.. In fact, he father had a sudden death just before she joined the company. She was very close to her father, and it really affected her alot..Yet, if she didn't share with me that night (she's also my roommate in the camp), I'd never had guessed it from her smile and laughter she's brought to the group. She is our 'Highness' because of her leadership and cheer to the group. (It was also 'timely' when we share such grief, cos that was the time when my dad had a sudden stroke while B and I were in a 'seperate and think twice' period.) I know I could never understand the grief of losing a parent permanently but I sure experienced the fear of losing one, and with no one to turn to. Her situation was worse, yet her smile and laughter filled our memories for this orientation. That is Rose, my dear sister..
Before I left for India, my good friend - Aries called to deliver a shocking bad news that Rose had died in April08. DEAD!? We were emailing each other some months ago, before she left the company. Had news that she's getting married and moving to US. How come that be possible? I really scolded Aries over the phone for such bad joke. It was till he emailed me the farewell speech for Rose' obituary, that the reality sinks in my mind. She is really dead..from a heart-attack. Such a young lady - 30 this year..gone so suddenly.. I cannot imagine how despair her mother is..a widow who has to lose her daughter now..within 2 yrs...I really don't know what to say when I think of her..
The disaster of China's earthquake made the headlines when I was in India. Honestly, watching those footages on CNN didn't impact me as much as Rose' death. But it certainly reinforced my 'enlightenment' that life is fragile..We as human beings, no matter how great, smart or successful we are, God's will is still above all. Who would expect that this is the day you'll lose your child forever by sending him to school? Who would expect this is your last day living?..I sympathise the magnitude of death toll in this earthquake, but what impact me is not the number but the pain of losing someone you know, let alone the love ones...suddenly and surely taken away from you..
Have you taken each day for granted? Taking assumption that the sun will rise again tomorrow, your life will still goes on, the people you know will still be around after tonight.. I know I have. Looking back at the natural disasters happening these days, together with the mutation of virus, I really feel so ashamed that I had been taking each sunrise as 'norm' and so blessed that I'm actually planned into this country, into this family. How big is this world, how many newborns each day - that I'm actually born here. Coincident? Sheer luck?? or pure genetic outcome??? then who created the genes and engineered the process of production? Whose great idea is it that sperm is to fertile and only 1 can make it through this process? .. Mother Nature? Then who created nature? Result of meteoriod collision? Then where does this meteoriod comes from? .. Honestly, I've given up asking such scientific questions now.. till someone can really answer all these questions with scientific evidents, without assumptions and hypothesis.. Even the great scientist of our time - Einstein said there is a greater being, after using all his life on science and logic. Has he gone bonkers? If so, why are we still keeping his brain as the smartest brain in the world?
Face it - life is indeed very fragile, and we are just beings on this world. Of course, i'm not saying we are 'puppets' but don't you agree there's Someone greater out there? Greater than us humans, greater than Universe itself. Maybe you'll join the others who say 'that's usual for those who went through bad tough times of their lives to say this'. True - I admit I learnt all these only after my 'trial' and experience. But are you so certain that you'll be able to stand unshaken, totally not affected, if you are the one going through trials? How can you be sure? Because you have always been independent? How independent? Are you able to turn water into wine with your words? Or command the sick to be healed? ... Very often, our independency can be quite deceiving. Wait till your 'independent' is put under test of fire, then you'll know the definition of independence..
Even our language and words are so limited to truly express how great this Being is. We can only say "He so loved the world"..'So loved the world'..do you really understand the 'so loved'? It's already so amazing how Holy Spirit can inspire the writer to record such greatness in such simple words..I guess He really must have 'no choice' cos if he tried to explain this greatness in its exact context, we will not be able to understand at all..What we know and what we have learnt are really so limited.. even too limited to explain how great God is..
That is also why we say Faith is a Mystery, a mystery because it is too simple and too great for our human minds to comprehend or imagine. The greatness of it cannot be grasped even as a abstract concept but only through experiencing it. How great is our God...
All of you do not know this - I have a really good 'sister' in Taiwan. We met in the company orientation camp, and we were close to each other, even though the camp was only 1week. Her name is Rose. She is a cheerful and strong girl.. In fact, he father had a sudden death just before she joined the company. She was very close to her father, and it really affected her alot..Yet, if she didn't share with me that night (she's also my roommate in the camp), I'd never had guessed it from her smile and laughter she's brought to the group. She is our 'Highness' because of her leadership and cheer to the group. (It was also 'timely' when we share such grief, cos that was the time when my dad had a sudden stroke while B and I were in a 'seperate and think twice' period.) I know I could never understand the grief of losing a parent permanently but I sure experienced the fear of losing one, and with no one to turn to. Her situation was worse, yet her smile and laughter filled our memories for this orientation. That is Rose, my dear sister..
Before I left for India, my good friend - Aries called to deliver a shocking bad news that Rose had died in April08. DEAD!? We were emailing each other some months ago, before she left the company. Had news that she's getting married and moving to US. How come that be possible? I really scolded Aries over the phone for such bad joke. It was till he emailed me the farewell speech for Rose' obituary, that the reality sinks in my mind. She is really dead..from a heart-attack. Such a young lady - 30 this year..gone so suddenly.. I cannot imagine how despair her mother is..a widow who has to lose her daughter now..within 2 yrs...I really don't know what to say when I think of her..
The disaster of China's earthquake made the headlines when I was in India. Honestly, watching those footages on CNN didn't impact me as much as Rose' death. But it certainly reinforced my 'enlightenment' that life is fragile..We as human beings, no matter how great, smart or successful we are, God's will is still above all. Who would expect that this is the day you'll lose your child forever by sending him to school? Who would expect this is your last day living?..I sympathise the magnitude of death toll in this earthquake, but what impact me is not the number but the pain of losing someone you know, let alone the love ones...suddenly and surely taken away from you..
Have you taken each day for granted? Taking assumption that the sun will rise again tomorrow, your life will still goes on, the people you know will still be around after tonight.. I know I have. Looking back at the natural disasters happening these days, together with the mutation of virus, I really feel so ashamed that I had been taking each sunrise as 'norm' and so blessed that I'm actually planned into this country, into this family. How big is this world, how many newborns each day - that I'm actually born here. Coincident? Sheer luck?? or pure genetic outcome??? then who created the genes and engineered the process of production? Whose great idea is it that sperm is to fertile and only 1 can make it through this process? .. Mother Nature? Then who created nature? Result of meteoriod collision? Then where does this meteoriod comes from? .. Honestly, I've given up asking such scientific questions now.. till someone can really answer all these questions with scientific evidents, without assumptions and hypothesis.. Even the great scientist of our time - Einstein said there is a greater being, after using all his life on science and logic. Has he gone bonkers? If so, why are we still keeping his brain as the smartest brain in the world?
Face it - life is indeed very fragile, and we are just beings on this world. Of course, i'm not saying we are 'puppets' but don't you agree there's Someone greater out there? Greater than us humans, greater than Universe itself. Maybe you'll join the others who say 'that's usual for those who went through bad tough times of their lives to say this'. True - I admit I learnt all these only after my 'trial' and experience. But are you so certain that you'll be able to stand unshaken, totally not affected, if you are the one going through trials? How can you be sure? Because you have always been independent? How independent? Are you able to turn water into wine with your words? Or command the sick to be healed? ... Very often, our independency can be quite deceiving. Wait till your 'independent' is put under test of fire, then you'll know the definition of independence..
Even our language and words are so limited to truly express how great this Being is. We can only say "He so loved the world"..'So loved the world'..do you really understand the 'so loved'? It's already so amazing how Holy Spirit can inspire the writer to record such greatness in such simple words..I guess He really must have 'no choice' cos if he tried to explain this greatness in its exact context, we will not be able to understand at all..What we know and what we have learnt are really so limited.. even too limited to explain how great God is..
That is also why we say Faith is a Mystery, a mystery because it is too simple and too great for our human minds to comprehend or imagine. The greatness of it cannot be grasped even as a abstract concept but only through experiencing it. How great is our God...
18 May 98 - someone please help me..
help me, i dreamt of B again..i have been in this dream before..with him..same 'plot'..but this time it's on different topic..It's a trip with his church friends, i still can remember all their faces in my dream..so vivid..I feel so 'outcast' while he has no problem interacting with them, even the 'newcomer'..I understamd his 'passion' to integrate and help newcomers to feel at home, but..does he realise I'm feeling uneasy?...I finally managed to talk to B, a real short one..about his church ministry and even invited him to visit Amplify one day (being awake now - i know it's crazy, but in the dream, i really hope he'll join me with my friends to praise and worship, and to share)
it's a long trip as there was last minute change on location..I ended up taking bus with his friends alone, as he took the other bus with another group of his friends..It's sad, but i know i'll see him in our destination.. I tried to interact with those on the same bus..Nothing much to really start a chat..I fell asleep on the bus.. the moment i woke up, no one is on the bus.. somehow I knew they're at the dinner place..I was hurt again..why didn't he call to wake me up..doesn't he know i'm not with the group..do i not matter to him? (I am really hurt, even now when i'm 'awake').. I want to spend time with him and his friends, but he seem to have a better time with them, without me.. it hurts...
The next moment i know, i'm crying from my dream, on my bed, waking up from the dream...the first feeling is hurtful..and then i have to blog it down.. my space to voice out, to cry out.. I miss B. I really do.. and I still love B. It's insane, stupid and silly I know. But I cant help it. I love B. As simple as that. I cannot deny this love still growing inside me.. though i know it's not helping in my recovery at all.. yet I do not understand why i cant let it go...why i cant sqeeze everything about him into a chest in my heart and lock it away (I did it with the previous and it works..once locked away, it's put in my heart and i get on with my life)..
can someone help me? i cannot 'kill' this love in me, and i do not want to dream of B again in those dreams i've been having....familiar place...they're not of anywhere I've been with B in real life, they are jus the same dream-backdrop and same settings.. it hurts, even though it's a 'happy' plot.. it just hurts...
Joseph was given the gift of interpreting dream...can anyone help me on my dreams?? ... i really dont want to wake up in tears, crying in my dream with real tears flowing on my face..the feeling is so real that it really hurts, in dream and even so when awake..help me, please..
it's a long trip as there was last minute change on location..I ended up taking bus with his friends alone, as he took the other bus with another group of his friends..It's sad, but i know i'll see him in our destination.. I tried to interact with those on the same bus..Nothing much to really start a chat..I fell asleep on the bus.. the moment i woke up, no one is on the bus.. somehow I knew they're at the dinner place..I was hurt again..why didn't he call to wake me up..doesn't he know i'm not with the group..do i not matter to him? (I am really hurt, even now when i'm 'awake').. I want to spend time with him and his friends, but he seem to have a better time with them, without me.. it hurts...
The next moment i know, i'm crying from my dream, on my bed, waking up from the dream...the first feeling is hurtful..and then i have to blog it down.. my space to voice out, to cry out.. I miss B. I really do.. and I still love B. It's insane, stupid and silly I know. But I cant help it. I love B. As simple as that. I cannot deny this love still growing inside me.. though i know it's not helping in my recovery at all.. yet I do not understand why i cant let it go...why i cant sqeeze everything about him into a chest in my heart and lock it away (I did it with the previous and it works..once locked away, it's put in my heart and i get on with my life)..
can someone help me? i cannot 'kill' this love in me, and i do not want to dream of B again in those dreams i've been having....familiar place...they're not of anywhere I've been with B in real life, they are jus the same dream-backdrop and same settings.. it hurts, even though it's a 'happy' plot.. it just hurts...
Joseph was given the gift of interpreting dream...can anyone help me on my dreams?? ... i really dont want to wake up in tears, crying in my dream with real tears flowing on my face..the feeling is so real that it really hurts, in dream and even so when awake..help me, please..
Saturday, May 17, 2008
17 May 08 - Where??
I enjoy watching movie which triggers reflections and thoughts..Or rather, I'm those 'thinker' type, maybe that's why I tend to think too much and too in details. I do wonder what are your views on me -having to write every things about myself, my thoughts on all-accessible web, am I not seeking for attention? Well, i really looking for a space to speak forth my views and thoughts, though freaking or spiritual I may be, but at least this is the space I can 'open' myself like a book..Life is actually very simple, why make it so complicated with such distrust and sceptism in this world? And if you are reading this and knowing me personally, you really must be honoured as I dare to share this link with you (fyi, I only share this link with those few close friends, ok?)Afterall I do not want to scare all my friends away...
Ok, back to the movie..I just watched 'Maid-Of-Honour'..It's really a funny show, simliar to 'My Best Friend's Wedding'. But what really gets me is not its humour or the dashing guys.. I would really enjoy if I have such 'buddy' who could understand and share my views.. I know I have 2 buddies in this lifetime - Zhongwei and Ziwei. I really appreciate them, being my support all these years; no matter how we seem to have 'lost contact', we'll always be sharing each other's lives. Really, I like to have a 'close friend' who can lead his own life and yet we share each other's lives. Of course, that's a very selfish thing to do - cos ultimately, he'll have his life-partner and he cant possibly spend so much time with 2 females at the same time. And trust me, I am not into the idea of falling for my buddy or having him fall for me. Once become my buddy, I'd rather we stay at buddy-level forever.. Maybe i do not trust those 'friends-into-couple' relationship, or maybe I really treasure buddies too much that I cant bear the thought of 'losing' them one day..
So, it's kinda my 'rule' that close friends stay as close friends, buddies stay as buddies..once we established that relationship. However, I just don't understand why my buddies and close friends are the best candidates for boyfriends, yet I always end up in heartbreaks.. (if you are looking for mature, reliable, fun-loving and sensitive boyfriend, I can recommend some for your consideration)
Now the question comes.. where is mine? Then again, I'm also tired of this relationship game, though i really hope to start my own family..Tired of considering a person for serious relationship, tired of 'trying' the relationship.. and even taking the risk of hurting again. Yes, you may say I love myself more than I love this partner.. But, though I still believe in Love, but this cycle is really tiring.. I really do not have the strength to pick myself up again..
Life is simple, why make it so complicated? The more I think, the simplier life is to me.. It IS really as simple as that.. or maybe I'm just that naive.
Ok, back to the movie..I just watched 'Maid-Of-Honour'..It's really a funny show, simliar to 'My Best Friend's Wedding'. But what really gets me is not its humour or the dashing guys.. I would really enjoy if I have such 'buddy' who could understand and share my views.. I know I have 2 buddies in this lifetime - Zhongwei and Ziwei. I really appreciate them, being my support all these years; no matter how we seem to have 'lost contact', we'll always be sharing each other's lives. Really, I like to have a 'close friend' who can lead his own life and yet we share each other's lives. Of course, that's a very selfish thing to do - cos ultimately, he'll have his life-partner and he cant possibly spend so much time with 2 females at the same time. And trust me, I am not into the idea of falling for my buddy or having him fall for me. Once become my buddy, I'd rather we stay at buddy-level forever.. Maybe i do not trust those 'friends-into-couple' relationship, or maybe I really treasure buddies too much that I cant bear the thought of 'losing' them one day..
So, it's kinda my 'rule' that close friends stay as close friends, buddies stay as buddies..once we established that relationship. However, I just don't understand why my buddies and close friends are the best candidates for boyfriends, yet I always end up in heartbreaks.. (if you are looking for mature, reliable, fun-loving and sensitive boyfriend, I can recommend some for your consideration)
Now the question comes.. where is mine? Then again, I'm also tired of this relationship game, though i really hope to start my own family..Tired of considering a person for serious relationship, tired of 'trying' the relationship.. and even taking the risk of hurting again. Yes, you may say I love myself more than I love this partner.. But, though I still believe in Love, but this cycle is really tiring.. I really do not have the strength to pick myself up again..
Life is simple, why make it so complicated? The more I think, the simplier life is to me.. It IS really as simple as that.. or maybe I'm just that naive.
Thursday, May 15, 2008
15 May 08 - My son is in pain..
I didn't go office today - my best and most capable partner 'ban' me from going back to office with the best reason that I wont be able to work after night flight. I still have to do my report on this trip and I know it's a challenge for them to resolve all those emails within the 24hrs... But anyway, she's right.. I really cant concentrate today, even after my short nap. (I'm not a person who can sleep in the day; Day-time is the best time to do my activities and when night falls, it's time to rest esp at my age now)
Thinking back on my trip, I'm really so happy yet surprise with myself. I simply felt so at home..Maybe cos of my experience in my ex-company which made me comfortable with 'industrial' environment..In case you are wondering - my previous company is a Taiwanese MNC in eletronics manufacturing. I had the opportunity to travel to Taiwan so frequently that my mum called me a 'Taiwanese'. I really enjoyed working and living in Taiwan, and I was with B then. Not because I have all those good and close friends in Taiwan, but because I enjoy being in different culture. Then again, working in that company is really 'no-life'. I lived in company hostel just a street accross office, and we only leave the industrial park on weekends. I practically lived in office all day with all the food, laundry, clinic, gym, massage parlour and even a StatBuck cafe and 7-Eleven store provided within office block. (Those are normal facilities for all companies in Industrial park; some even have indoor swimming pool for employees) It really opened my eyes when I first joined....I'd work with them for another 5 years, if not for my 'promotion'..
OK, back to my experience in India..Though it's also in India industrial park, and different nature of business, the scale of its structure is much smaller than my experience, maybe that's why it's easier for me to 'blend in' on this trip.. I really thank God for the opportunity with that Taiwanese company..I can still remember I had to rush from Swissotel Stamford Hotel to Harbourfront for my 2nd interview with them on our anniversary celebration.. I was so interested for the position, though my experience was not that rich. I really thank God for such a kind, supportive and open-minded boss - Vincent, and his expatriate team. Those good old days....
... Now that I've shared the 'happy' thoughts, it's sad thoughts' turn..The moment I entered my house this morning, my dog son - Hugo LIMPED joyfully to me. He's really limping in his walk and jumps! I knew at once something is WRONG, PAINFULLY WRONG! Though Hugo is attention-seeking, but he has never been like this before! You can really see the pain in his eye, together with his joy of seeing me. Mum told me it just happened suddenly last night with no particular reason or special activity involved. How my heart aches! He's like a son to me, so attached to me (or rather, I'm attached to him)!
He's hurting so badly that he didn't even respond to his favourite food and snacks. He just follows me around all day and wanting me to carry him in my arms.. (Yes-he's so pampered and so smart!) Even right now, while I'm writing this entry, he is sleeping besides me on my bed, resting his head on my lap, like a baby seeking comfort from mother....This is the first time he's SO LONGING for comfort; nothing else matters except comfort from his pain.. Trust me, my heart really aches.. how I want to help to relieve his pain, yet all I can do is to pat him to sleep, trying to make him as comfortable as possible...
The first thing to do tomorrow morning is to bring him to vet, that's for sure.. Even if it gonna cost me quite a sum, but as long as Hugo is healthy and happy again.. Please pray for him, thanks!
Thinking back on my trip, I'm really so happy yet surprise with myself. I simply felt so at home..Maybe cos of my experience in my ex-company which made me comfortable with 'industrial' environment..In case you are wondering - my previous company is a Taiwanese MNC in eletronics manufacturing. I had the opportunity to travel to Taiwan so frequently that my mum called me a 'Taiwanese'. I really enjoyed working and living in Taiwan, and I was with B then. Not because I have all those good and close friends in Taiwan, but because I enjoy being in different culture. Then again, working in that company is really 'no-life'. I lived in company hostel just a street accross office, and we only leave the industrial park on weekends. I practically lived in office all day with all the food, laundry, clinic, gym, massage parlour and even a StatBuck cafe and 7-Eleven store provided within office block. (Those are normal facilities for all companies in Industrial park; some even have indoor swimming pool for employees) It really opened my eyes when I first joined....I'd work with them for another 5 years, if not for my 'promotion'..
OK, back to my experience in India..Though it's also in India industrial park, and different nature of business, the scale of its structure is much smaller than my experience, maybe that's why it's easier for me to 'blend in' on this trip.. I really thank God for the opportunity with that Taiwanese company..I can still remember I had to rush from Swissotel Stamford Hotel to Harbourfront for my 2nd interview with them on our anniversary celebration.. I was so interested for the position, though my experience was not that rich. I really thank God for such a kind, supportive and open-minded boss - Vincent, and his expatriate team. Those good old days....
... Now that I've shared the 'happy' thoughts, it's sad thoughts' turn..The moment I entered my house this morning, my dog son - Hugo LIMPED joyfully to me. He's really limping in his walk and jumps! I knew at once something is WRONG, PAINFULLY WRONG! Though Hugo is attention-seeking, but he has never been like this before! You can really see the pain in his eye, together with his joy of seeing me. Mum told me it just happened suddenly last night with no particular reason or special activity involved. How my heart aches! He's like a son to me, so attached to me (or rather, I'm attached to him)!
He's hurting so badly that he didn't even respond to his favourite food and snacks. He just follows me around all day and wanting me to carry him in my arms.. (Yes-he's so pampered and so smart!) Even right now, while I'm writing this entry, he is sleeping besides me on my bed, resting his head on my lap, like a baby seeking comfort from mother....This is the first time he's SO LONGING for comfort; nothing else matters except comfort from his pain.. Trust me, my heart really aches.. how I want to help to relieve his pain, yet all I can do is to pat him to sleep, trying to make him as comfortable as possible...
The first thing to do tomorrow morning is to bring him to vet, that's for sure.. Even if it gonna cost me quite a sum, but as long as Hugo is healthy and happy again.. Please pray for him, thanks!
15 May 08 - I miss B..
I don't know what you people will think of me...
I was looking forward to return to home, after a long last day in India (My boss came ad joined me).. I don't know why.. I cant sleep in this journey too..too stress?too many thoughts?? Well, I ended up watching the movie for 2nd time..It's a late-night flight, and everyone is asleep..except me and the crew..(in fact, I've just reached home)
Everything was fine until..the captain annouced the landing procedure. .. .. His voice is so much like B..and B likes flying as a pilot.. Then I realise how much I miss B..I don't know if he misses me, but I know i do. I know I can and have to 'get on with my life' or even wait for a 'new' person, but somehow I know I cant and I wont be able, even I hope to. I love B. so much that you might say I'm silly to love someone this much.. but that's me and it's been done. No matter how happy I am or blessed I feel now, I still want to share my joy with B. I know he might not love me anymore, let alone think of me.. but he'll always be in my mind and heart. Besides my family, he's my family despite what happened..
Very often I do check on myself - am I in depression, denial or .. Do I have such faith that God will make a way when it seems no way? I'm not in depression now, cos I know what's depression is like.. and I've passed that stage..Am I going sane or insane? Why do I still feel so strongly for B when nothing is suggesting any possibility? Stubborn? Denial?? I know I can find another person now, time is precious at my age.. but why the love is still that strong and it's still growing?? Have I really let him go as my words? Or am I waiting for some super supernatural miracle?? If so, i'd be so silly to exchange someone physical for such extract 'hope' at the cost of my whole life! Am I that madly in love?
Even if B miss me, will he love me? Even if he still loves me, will he know how I feel? Yes, he might read this blog to 'follow-up' on me.. but all these words are just words..He might even think I'm being such a novelist in my entries, or worse - creating such self-pity to 'win' him back.. I admit that's what most people will do - win the lost love back, I also did that in the past.. but now, when everything is telling me impossibility and my rationale tells me to treasure my 'youth', why is it that the love for B is still growing? It's definitely not helping me at all!! I do want to start my family, have my kids...me and my house we'll serve the Lord. But with such 'love for B' still in me, it's really not helping me at all!!
B, I miss you..please dont try to 'rationale' it in your mind. It's just as simple as I miss you. If you can accept this simple meaning, I'll be very grateful.
Just now, as I stepped out from Arrival gate, ... i miss you too. Not because of the memories we shared, but purely because i miss you. ... The last time I stepped out, I was hoping to see you, but I was disappointed...and you appeared at my house. I know this will not happen this time. I'm not expecting such 'miracle'. Just a simple pure 'miss you'
Really hope you are happy now..God will show you His way and guide you in His path. Don't worry, I have not been praying for us to reconcile as this is not what you want me to pray. I can only pray that you are happy and well in everything you do. As for future, I've learnt everything has been planned for a reason, in God's timing. No matter how hard we try to escape from God's calling, He'll make a way back to our calling. Not that we cannot decide for out lives, or God is autocratic, but life is indeed so much bigger than what we can imagine...and God is in control of everything details..
I was looking forward to return to home, after a long last day in India (My boss came ad joined me).. I don't know why.. I cant sleep in this journey too..too stress?too many thoughts?? Well, I ended up watching the movie for 2nd time..It's a late-night flight, and everyone is asleep..except me and the crew..(in fact, I've just reached home)
Everything was fine until..the captain annouced the landing procedure. .. .. His voice is so much like B..and B likes flying as a pilot.. Then I realise how much I miss B..I don't know if he misses me, but I know i do. I know I can and have to 'get on with my life' or even wait for a 'new' person, but somehow I know I cant and I wont be able, even I hope to. I love B. so much that you might say I'm silly to love someone this much.. but that's me and it's been done. No matter how happy I am or blessed I feel now, I still want to share my joy with B. I know he might not love me anymore, let alone think of me.. but he'll always be in my mind and heart. Besides my family, he's my family despite what happened..
Very often I do check on myself - am I in depression, denial or .. Do I have such faith that God will make a way when it seems no way? I'm not in depression now, cos I know what's depression is like.. and I've passed that stage..Am I going sane or insane? Why do I still feel so strongly for B when nothing is suggesting any possibility? Stubborn? Denial?? I know I can find another person now, time is precious at my age.. but why the love is still that strong and it's still growing?? Have I really let him go as my words? Or am I waiting for some super supernatural miracle?? If so, i'd be so silly to exchange someone physical for such extract 'hope' at the cost of my whole life! Am I that madly in love?
Even if B miss me, will he love me? Even if he still loves me, will he know how I feel? Yes, he might read this blog to 'follow-up' on me.. but all these words are just words..He might even think I'm being such a novelist in my entries, or worse - creating such self-pity to 'win' him back.. I admit that's what most people will do - win the lost love back, I also did that in the past.. but now, when everything is telling me impossibility and my rationale tells me to treasure my 'youth', why is it that the love for B is still growing? It's definitely not helping me at all!! I do want to start my family, have my kids...me and my house we'll serve the Lord. But with such 'love for B' still in me, it's really not helping me at all!!
B, I miss you..please dont try to 'rationale' it in your mind. It's just as simple as I miss you. If you can accept this simple meaning, I'll be very grateful.
Just now, as I stepped out from Arrival gate, ... i miss you too. Not because of the memories we shared, but purely because i miss you. ... The last time I stepped out, I was hoping to see you, but I was disappointed...and you appeared at my house. I know this will not happen this time. I'm not expecting such 'miracle'. Just a simple pure 'miss you'
Really hope you are happy now..God will show you His way and guide you in His path. Don't worry, I have not been praying for us to reconcile as this is not what you want me to pray. I can only pray that you are happy and well in everything you do. As for future, I've learnt everything has been planned for a reason, in God's timing. No matter how hard we try to escape from God's calling, He'll make a way back to our calling. Not that we cannot decide for out lives, or God is autocratic, but life is indeed so much bigger than what we can imagine...and God is in control of everything details..
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