13 May 08 - I fix my eyes on You

I wanted to share about my work, about what i see in India, my colleagues etc.. until I switched on the TV. I left it on God TV channel when I left. It's the SAME pastor, same screen and basically the same verse as my 'welcome' sound again. What a coincident, right? Wait wait, things get better..I put this coincident off my mind..and do my packing (i always pack each day as I do not like to pack everything on last day.) The next program is even better! You know, everyone I met challenges me on the Biblical principle on Tithing. And trust me, it's really NOT easy to explain to them about the principle of tithing, sowing and reaping etc. I do agree there are people who might not be able to provide God's portion of the 10%. But remember, the woman with 2 pennies? She is widow and the Bible says she is poor. Did she sow in exchange of God to bless her? I suppose so. When one is really desperate and there's nothing seem to work in life, trust me God seems to be the only option, whether you like it or not. I suppose she must be 'desperate' for some breakthrough, one way or another. She might or might not praying for monetary returns, but the 2 pennies were all she had! What a choice to make - taking such risk to put all she had for God. What great is her faith in God! Is she mentally sane? Exchanging something of physical substance for abstract expectation.. what if her faith is not the great enough for God to act, what if God is not watching?? Yet, she gave out of her need. The act of her giving simply tells me she simply turned to God to act on her life, let it be money, new love or even support for her family. She is really desperate for something in her life and God is the only Person who can help her. It's either that faith, that desperation, or the love the she has for God, so much the she's willing to take this risk of trusting God. OK, that should be the attitude of giving.

But what about tithing? Is love-offering not enough for God? My friends, who is God to you? Do you really believe with ALL your heart that God is Almighty? He has all the gold and treasures of this world (can you imagine how rich He is?)! He CREATES them, for goodness' sake! OK, if you understand how great is God. Then why do we need to give the 10%? Really, it's not the amount that He's interested in. It's your OBEDIENCE that he's looking at. He enjoys pouring His blessings onto you, but what are you doing with this blessings? For your own self? or are you willing to give the portion to bless others (no matter how in need you are)? Yes, giving 1% or 5% can also bless people. But why 10%? I say again, it's not the numerals He's looking at. It's your ATTITUDE OF OBEDIENCE. Is He not your God of All? Does He not know your situation? Get real! He PLANNED your path of life, knew you before you know God. Yet, since the Fall of our first parents, we have been taking God for granted. 10% is an 'stated amount' yet it's not the amount that He's looking at. Understand? ... ok, I shall not preach here on my blog.. I'm not a pastor.. If you really want to know the difference, do approach your pastor and pray for God to speak to you. ..

I'm SO SO BLESSED here in India! I really don't understand what's happening.. but I 'automatically' missed this channel on yesterday, yet 'automatically' found this channel and have been so blessed ever since...I didn't even recognise Joyce Meyer until her name is shown. I just keep drinking from the teaching of the Word, I didn't even take note of who is the speaker. Yes, i understand the caution required to guard God's doctrine. But when you start to drink from God, you'll have the joy of drinking the 'right' stuff.

I hope you'll be blessed too - www.god.tv
We are one Body in Christ. Let's come together in partnership and cooperation to work for God's kingdom!

13 May 08 - What a BLESSED start..

13May
You cannot believe how I started this morning! Or rather, it started last night..

You wont believe how clean is my room! They really take ALL effort to clean 1 room! Vacuum so spark and clean and I’m totally speechless! So thoughtful in their little ways of turning down room service too! Every little thing which I’ve put out of place, they simply put it back or replace it! NO slacking! I can practically live her for long! But, it’s not all perfect. Despite of 100% great and friendly service, this hotel has frequent blackouts! It’s ok when it happens in the early evening or day. It’s not that scary…

Last night, after my bath, in my efforts to relax after a long day, blackout happened again! This time is SO DARK as my curtains are totally drawn, blocking out all possible light. For a moment, I froze with fear. I was really scared, ok! It’s so dark that I cannot see my hand (if I dare to stretch out). I practically fixed in my position. All I can think is trust in God. I mean, if there is any ‘supernatural beings’ with me in this darkness, God is greater than all, right? It’s hard to trust, really.. but I tried my best. He’s my only option for reaction to this darkness. Whether I have such faith for Him to show any miracle, it’s not any issue anymore. I just have to take the ‘risk’ to trust Him.

Well, after 3mins or so, the lights came back. I was SO SO relieved. Trust me, it's one thing to have faith in His Word, it’s really another thing to really act on it. I’m so happy to be out of darkness, that I quickly scampered into my blanket. No more standing around, in case it blackout again. I was that intimidated!

Surprisingly I fell asleep quite easily after reading my Bible. It’s not easy to visualize or understand how big is God’s temple as He measured for Ezekiel to see, but I just enjoyed reading it. Then, I had this totally weird dream (being rationale, I think it’s the fear+trust in God that leads to this dream). There IS a spirit in my room – an middle-aged male, doing all sorts of things to get my attention. Yet, I only remember to keep telling myself ‘Trust in God’ throughout this dream. I even managed to communicate and even helped this spirit, before I woke up peacefully. I do not even feel tired, after all the mind exercise on dream activity.

Then, automatically, I switch on the TV. Then automatically, I saw the channel ‘GOD’. (How can I miss this channel when I was searching for time yesterday morning?) The next thing I hear is “Let us look at Psa 34:8 – Taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the man who trusts in Him!” I know it’s kinda freaky. But many a times, God communicates to our heart. Yes, He give visions and dreams but it’s not very often such great privilege is given. And when I heard this verse as my first sound today, I AM SO BLESSED in my heart! I can almost feel the leap of joy and comfort in my heart. I know it sounds spiritual again, but it’s true. I am so blessed. Immediately, my joy is so filled for the day (again).

I really think my hotel staff are beginning to think I’m strange. Every morning, I greet everyone, really EVERYONE, with such joy and smile. I don't know if they really think I’m crazy for being so happy to be on business trip. I cant help myself too. No matter how tired I am, the smile just came on my face and I just greet everyone I meet. And trust me, I am very tired. Yet, I feel so at home in this foreign place, even more comfortable than I was in Taiwan.

..In fact, I’m so comfortable here that I’ve done so many reflections..life in Singapore and other places, our beliefs and the love of God.. etc.. But I will not share it here otherwise you’ll complain I’m freaking spiritual.. May my life reflect my revelations and manifest what I’m created to do..

My Indian colleagues say they'll miss me.. which I don't understand.. I'm really having a slacking time here and I'm feeling bad.. But I thank God that i didn't even need to try to 'blend in' with them..

12 May 08 - 1st day in India

The first thing I woke up is 'Gosh,what's time now' My watch is not adjusted to reflect the 2.5hr difference, and my mind simply refuses to do the mental calculation. Being resourceful, I searched for local news TV channel..and hopefully it's in English.. Didn't take too long, cos I skipped most of the channels in the 8pages list. 7.15am India time..

I took my time to arrange company transport, to wash up and strolled to my breakfast. I tell you, I really had a BIG Indian breakfast! I simply took a scoop of all on the table, except meat. Indian rice-cake, Indian vegetable congee, hashbrowns, omelette, toasts and Indian rice etc.. The waiters must think I'm really starving.. I didn't want to try the congee as it looked plain, too watery and not-appealing.. But to my surprise, the lemongrass really made the congee so refreshing and pure delicious! What a wonder.. I must cook this for my colleagues next week. It's even more surprising that I finished EVERY BIT of the food and enjoyed EVERY BIT of it! Tomorrow I'll try more Indian breakfast from their 'fresh-from-kitchen' menu..

My transport was late..or rather some miscommunication- it simply didn't turn up. I had to make another booking and wait for another hour. Though I should be anxious cos I have a meeting to attend, but I simply felt so relaxed! "What is time when I'm 'away' from work?" I just feel like a leisure traveller..exploring the hotel..My room attendant complimented me on my dressing..Well, first impression counts, right, so i try to be leisurely professional as I can.. especially under the hot sun..Really taking it very easy.. Now it's 10am and i'm sitting by the pool , writing this entry.. what a life.. so what i'm 'late' for work..I really had a language breakdown with my driver.. what can i do??

Oh, by the way, I shopped alone in the mall just now. Bought some indian accessories :P really it's not that bad shopping alone in India.

11 May 08 - 1st night in India

I survived the Night of Surprises last night. The flight journey started well (afterall it's SQ..) watched my long-wanted movie "The Bucket List". I don't know if it has this effect on you too. It simply touched my heart..the love which Morgan Freeman has for his wife, though he felt 'nothing much' for her after all these years.. The Fear of God and commitment to His Word.. He really loves his family, willingly to sacrifice his dreams for them, in exchange for their dreams to be fulfilled..How great is his fatherly love..I cried..yes, I cried..Maybe I should start a bucket list too..afterall there're so many things we wanted to do, which we pushed it till tomorrow..Personally, death is not about leaving a legacy but how many hearts have you touched this life.. You cannot might not be able to change their lives, but you can touch their hearts.. Everyone can do that, just a matter of 'will you?'...After the show, my misery kicked in..I'm SO uncomfortable - my neck ached and my back stiffen. I cant even sit properly to rest..I tried to sleep, but my back just so painful.. This is the worst flight experience, never have I had this before!

The airport service was terrible as I had to wait 45mins at the luggage belt for my luggage! Though it was fun watching the unclaimed bags jamming together at the bend, but I WAS really very tired! (It's already past 11pm in Singapore!) I nearly missed my airport transfer if not for the driver who chased after me. It was really noisy and messy at the arrival hall, ok. Better still, the carpark was so JAMMED with cars (moving + stationary), huge packages, luggages and people! Imagine traffic stand still at international airport carpark! It was really interesting - a different culture. Though I'm freaking tired + frustrated (cos my journey was SO uncomfortable), it's kinda fun to watch the commotion. When we finally drove into the main road, all I see is dark streets + closed shops. If you have been to the alleys of Little Indian at late nights, you'll understand what I mean.. Totally deserted..

We took a few turns before we got to the Hotel. For a moment, I was wondering 'where is this driver taking me to..' The hotel is SO different from the outside. Into an alley, past the gates, it's a total different environment. Talk about hidden modernity~ A true modern hotel tucked behind the dark old alley. I was SO SO tired when I saw my bed..So tired that I even comtemplated not to have my usual 'before sleep' bath. I was REALLY THAT TIRED! The room is clean and cosy, or rather I'm too tired to bother for any dirt, yet I cannot sleep! I don't know if it's jet-lag thingy but I simply cannot sleep! ...set up my laptop, played worship songs and took my sleeping pills (it's a wonder why I last-minute dumped the pills into my bag, just before I left, now I know...)

10 May 08 - It's not that bad...

I had a tough morning with my class - they just finished their exams and simply do not want to learn today. I can understand that attitude, but what I cant stand is their personal war against the only girl in class - Yanling. 4 of them are fast-learners, and my rapport with them is really great (so good that they even talk to me on their personal life - school and family) I'm really very blessed to have this class, really. But precisely they are smart, they have this 'internal' war of gender. Remember when we were young, the girls didn't like guys and vice versa? Well, it's the same with this class. The guys were making a din, trying to 'get rid' of Yanling. I really had a hard time getting their attention today. In the end, I gave up. I took away all my materials, and simply sat down there - talking to them like a 'grandmother'.. trying to reason with them on their behavious and attitude. I don't know if they really understand what I'm trying to say - about attitude and respect. But they seem to understand and voiced out their 'complaints'.. Suddenly I felt I was the 'psychologist' for kids, trying to put life's values into simple terms for them to understand.. It's just my personal belief that teaching is not just about academic, but also how they should prepare for life's challenges - not to be prideful / discriminating etc.. I was so tired at the end of my 2 lessons..

Once I stepped out of the class, I started to get anxious - so many things not done and I'm leaving tomorrow evening. Not a thing I've packed and I'm still trying to stablise myself to face this 'test of independence'. I wanted to attend Novena (part of my Saturday routine) but I know I cannot go so far from my house today, not today.. I ended up at home, just when my panic attack came. I really don't know what happened. I'm really trying to make life as simple as possible for me now - following my routine and simply no concern for time - taking my time as easy as I can. (I was VERY time consicious in the past.) I keep telling myself: 'what the worst can happen? Even if I'd to die on the road suddenly, I know God is with me. Nothing else is so important anymore, right?'.. But the attack still came.. Since I cannot fight it off, I decided to sleep..And it's so difficult to sleep! Kept having dreams and waking up in cold sweat..Subconsiciously, I told myself to relax and take a rest as much as I can, and my nap occupied 4hrs. I'm glad that my dogs are surprising quiet during my nap, resting themselves close to my sleeping position, as if they're guarding me. It's really not a relaxing nap for me.

The moment I woke up, logic and rationale came back to me. I had to find food, start my pre-packing, exchange money, and checking in for my flight etc.. It's reality that I have to face. A lot of things in mind, but I remember my counsellor's advice:One step at a time. So, I did some mental listing and mapping on where and what to do, planning my route to interchange as simple as possible. (I'm also under pressure of not-to-shop around, hence I really had to plan my route well) I simply forced myself to step out to do all these by myself.. really..

It was a tough struggle as I waited for bus and starting off this route. I even had a hard time, deciding what to eat. Simple scenario, yet tough decision. I kept telling myself to stay focused throughout this simple trip. that is how panic I am, ok? Well, to cut the story short.. I managed to complete my trip and being rationale on my spending. Towards the end of my trip, I getting proud of myself. Really. I started to realise it's not that hard to be alone afterall, just keep my life simple. To my surprise, I'm getting to enjoy my 'independence'. "What if I'm going to be single all my life, at least this is a preview for me"..Then I remember B..Maybe this is how he lived his life, being the only child in single-parent family.. Independence..This is his 'usual lifestyle' since he's young, yet I've to struggle to adapt. Life is just so strange..

By the time I reached home, I really enjoyed me being alone. I imagine myself in a foreign country, living by myself..It's not fun ok. Have to clean the house (esp with 2 dogs messing around), clear the rubbish, wash the dishes, clear laundry, find personal time to relax, spend time playing with dogs.. Now I understand how my mum feels - quite a lot to do in one day and that's her 'usual routine' after work. How amazing..

I find myself in this 'big' project for the next 4mths - to make my house as cosy as possible. No more messing, misplacing things. Clear up as I go. No more leaving it for tomorrow... After this project, I'd know if I can really live independently.. But one thing I know for sure- I'll still need pets in my house + a part-time maid. I really don't like to do the laundry + getting a maid can prevent me from being a hermit. The rest of the chores I'll manage myself. ..getting mentally prepared for single life.. (honestly, I'm really happy that I survive past hours and proud of myself for it.)

OK, now that I'm feeling better. I better go and bath and start my packing.. where's my passport...

10 May 08 - Start of my test..

OK-I'm home alone for the next 2 days, with my 2 dogs...

My family just left for their trip..Why I didn't go with them? I was supposed to..paid for it..ended up sponsoring my sister's boyfriend (Xyan) for this trip due to my India trip. If you wonder why I'm so good to Xyan, I AM good to him.. He's like a 'part-time' boyfriend to me, a dear brother who will be my future brother-in-law. (Even if they don't turn out well, at least I'd still have this friend, this brother)

OK, coming back to my test..Yes, it really gonna be MY TEST - to face the empty house, maintian it and FACING ALONLINESS..If you know me personally, I'm not a person who stay at home alone, especially so after my depression. I'd grab every chance to go out, even though I'll miss my dogs when I'm out. I just cannot stay at home alone..

Now, I HAVE TO FACE MY FEAR - ALONE. Can you people keep me in prayers? I really do not wish to have any panic attack..I just want to survive this test.. To you, yes - it's just home alone, no big deal.. but trust me, i'm facing a GREAT challenge to balance my sanity, emotions and faith.. No one to talk to..Please keep me in your prayers for this week, ok? This is NOT going to be an easy week - a test of alonliness, or 'independence' if you want to call it..

9 May 08 - After the battle..

Someone once told me he cannot sleep without blogging, now then I realise how true it is.. I miss you people..miss this venting space.. Though I'm not hoping for a lot of people to read my blog, but I know you who read this space is concerned for me.. I really appreciate your comments, written and silent.

I really worked loonnggg hours today - I was still in office at 11pm. Alone in the big office! It's kinda scary actually, cos I'm the only one with lights on.. the rest of the corners had already switch off their lights.. And to think that we had a very good colleague who just died in a car crash some months ago...can be quite creepy ok.. Howver, if not for my family who are leaving for a weekend getway in the next few hours, I'd have stayed to finish my work in office.. Just hope to come home and spend time with them before their trip, when they return I'll be in India.. It'll be another week before we see one another again.

Somehow I enjoyed staying late, doing my work.. Yes, I admit my mind tried to spook me from time to time.. but I just feel so secured, so contented with the silence.. In fact, I was kinda hoping to see 'something' or some spooky experience.. I believe in spirits and ghosts, in fact I had some mild encounters when I was young.. But anyway.. precisely I know they DO exist, the more I love God - because He's even Greater than all those! Not to be religious, ok? But don't you think it's funny - when you tell people there's spooky/haunted spirits, they'll believe you. Yet, when you tell them God's Spirit is present, you'll be labelled as 'religious' or 'spiritual freak'. Human are selective in their perspectives..

Speaking of perspectives.. I had the pleasure of chatting with TH last night..It's a impromptus call from him..It's really good to hear from him again, after all these years.. He has not really changed much in his lifestyle, though I must say he's kinda matured now (I guess he has to be - everyone has to grow and think for the future regardless how reluctant we are). Somehow chatting with him kinda 'open my eyes'. This is the person whom I loved so much, almost died for and even came back for, after losing more than 1.5litres of blood during operations (I can never forget the face of my surgeon when he told me he nearly lost me at the table.) .. God's ways are indeed higher than my ways.. I am so myopic to see His plans for my life..Yes - I loved him but yet God knows he's not the one for me.. I cannot believe how vast apart is our perspectives now..

I can understand what and where he's coming from, and so does he. We had a good chat, but somehow it's just not the same as before.. We used to be able to chat and share so many views.. but now.. we are merely talking on '1st-2nd level' friends..Then I really realise what's life is like - people came, left footprints and go..It kinda scares me too.. Will this happen with B in future? TH was the one who caused my physical 'death' and we end up in this level.. How about B who was so much a part of me that could cause my mental 'death'? I really do not dare to think.. God has His ways and He is in control...I can only pray for His Strength to walk this path..

OK, i got to sleep. have to wake at 5.30am to see my famiy off and now it's nearly 2am! goodnight, my dear.. keep praying-there's power in prayers!