I cant sleep last night.. kept thinking about the emails I have to resolve today + my India trip on this Sun...I've not gotten my visa, not knowing who to contact, not packed my stuff..yet I know I've to work extreme long hours today, before I start my weekend..and my weekends: I have to pack my meeting materials, my luggage, exchange money and get some gifts.. A lot to do on top of my routine tuitions.. (First time since my depression, I experience such 'fulfillment' of time.. simply too many things to do..) (I better to careful what I pray for in future - God not only answers, He answers prayers with ABUNDANCE)
And today is my specialist follow-up for my eye infection..I simply cant make it at my appointed time - 4.30pm (I need to clear my works!!) Hence I decided this morning to take a risk of walking into the clinic.. I don't know if any of you knows - eye specialist in hospital only attends to appointments.. If you are early or late, you simply just have to stick to your appointed time. The specialists' schedule are really PACKED! (trust me - I tried calling to change my appointment, and the next earliest date is in AUGUST08! What good business for them!!)
Ok, back to my 'risk-taking' at the clinic..Expected, I got 'nagging' from the nurse who told me this morning schedule is already full with 200 patients..Only if the doctor is free, then they'll see me which means I just have to 'wait n see' for the whole morning session.. So, being understanding and 'patient' I proposed for them to call me back, while I return to work during my wait.. I was planning in my mind how to squeeze some time out from my work, when I was walking out of clinic..
Felt hunger so i took a detour to the canteen for some quick breakfast..Just then, my long-silenced mobile vibrated..I thought something happened in office..To my surprise, it's from the clinic! The doctor says he's just started the day, so is able to squeeze me in NOW..Can you imagine how fast I RAN back to the clinic, saying 'God is Good all the time' so loudly along the way! ... Miracles do happen :)
Another miracle I realised -- throughout my stress emotions and mental now, I'm still smiling, teasing and joking with EVERYONE I meet! My colleagues who keep bugging me on their urgent requests, my sisters who were tempting me with my Wii, the nurse who was so stern on me, the auntie at the canteen, and the doctor.. If only they know I'm so stressed and eager to clear my work, they'll think I'm having a SPLIT personality..freaking out...Its really weird for me, ok? to have both anxiety+stress+happiness+enjoyment together at the same time, in the same body.. I am really having a totally split - outside and inside..
Ok..I got to go work now.. Keep praying for me - sound mind, wisdom, guidance, protection and joy. :) I love you all!
Friday, May 9, 2008
Thursday, May 8, 2008
8 May 08 - Half battle won..
U wont be able to imagine how TIRED i am today..After a day of fun yesterday, my inbox is BURSTING with so many 'urgent' emails! My whole team are on course these 2 days, so I'm alone to face all these horror mails! Simply no time for washroom or even snacks at all! As matter of fact, I just reached home.. it's been so long since I worked such long hours!! but I kinda enjoy it...hee.. yes, I enjoy being workaholic.. :P
Honestly, I was kinda afraid that i might 'freak out' cos working late reminds me of B.. And it still does.. I miss him.. It's so hard to concentrate in work (I still have 30 unread emails for tomorrow, after clearing 20 today...) I know I just have to...esp I'm alone in this email battle, have to clear all of them by weekend..otherwise my team will face hell of emails on Monday.. it's not good for team spirit, esp for start of week..I guess this 'fighting spirit' kept me going for the past 13hrs at work :)
... I wonder how is B now.. miss him, yet cant talk to him.. It's actually not easy to love someone from afar..what else can I do??..
Oh ya, people, I need your prayers ok? Latest update is I have to attend 3days meeting in India on my own! Yes, I know I'm used to business trips and travelling alone.. but this location + my condition is really gonna be a GREAT test for me. Pray that I wun freak out by cultural shock, and any panic attack.. Just feeling that it WILL BE a great challenge for me.. Though I know my hotel and transfer are of best - 5star designer hotel + company transfer.. All taken into consideration and of the best plan.. but.. it's just kinda intimidating..Afterall it's my first time to INDIA, and it's not really a city area as meeting office is in the industrial zone...
...ok i got to sleep.. Sounds of my sisters playing Wii in living room.. I'm too tired to even watch them play now.. goodnight, my dear..
Honestly, I was kinda afraid that i might 'freak out' cos working late reminds me of B.. And it still does.. I miss him.. It's so hard to concentrate in work (I still have 30 unread emails for tomorrow, after clearing 20 today...) I know I just have to...esp I'm alone in this email battle, have to clear all of them by weekend..otherwise my team will face hell of emails on Monday.. it's not good for team spirit, esp for start of week..I guess this 'fighting spirit' kept me going for the past 13hrs at work :)
... I wonder how is B now.. miss him, yet cant talk to him.. It's actually not easy to love someone from afar..what else can I do??..
Oh ya, people, I need your prayers ok? Latest update is I have to attend 3days meeting in India on my own! Yes, I know I'm used to business trips and travelling alone.. but this location + my condition is really gonna be a GREAT test for me. Pray that I wun freak out by cultural shock, and any panic attack.. Just feeling that it WILL BE a great challenge for me.. Though I know my hotel and transfer are of best - 5star designer hotel + company transfer.. All taken into consideration and of the best plan.. but.. it's just kinda intimidating..Afterall it's my first time to INDIA, and it's not really a city area as meeting office is in the industrial zone...
...ok i got to sleep.. Sounds of my sisters playing Wii in living room.. I'm too tired to even watch them play now.. goodnight, my dear..
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
7 May 08 - SAP HRSC Teambuilding 2008
Hi, people, do you miss me? (yes-this is narcisistic in scientific term) I practically RUSHED back to come to this blog!! I'm BURSTING to feed you with what happened today!! (You know how it's like when a woman just want to talk it out -- she cant help it!!)
OK, in order not to freak you out or start to be spiritual, I'll keep this entry focused on the events, ok? 1) Rainy morning 2) Amazing Race in Sentosa 3) Ironman movie
1) Have any of you woke up one morning, feeling peculiar for the day? It's like 'something IS going to happen' but yet do not know it's good or bad.. Kinda fear + expectation feeling.. Get it? Well, it happened to me this morning...
I was waken at 7am when I suddenly heard the rain poured down suddenly. Trust me, it's SUDDENLY as my neighbour, who was already on her way out, was exclaiming loudly "Wah, why this rain so sudden?!" Being a sleep-lover, I simply seized the opportunity to laze on my bed, even pulled my dog to sleep with me. How good time flies.. the next moment I know it's already 7.35am! (fyi, company's teambuilding require me to be in VivoCity at 8.30am, and the normal mrt journey require 50mins) I'm so in deep trouble, esp my HRSC VP will be there to flag start the event!
Yet, the moment I stood up from my bed, I just had this strange feeling that everything will be alright today.. I had to double-up my pace in my washing up, changing etc.. and cos of the sudden rain, I had to REPACK my bag in order to put my umbrella and windbreaking jacket (which also act as my raincoat)..What a mess to start off my morning.. For a moment, I even entertained the idea of excusing myself with medical leave, since I'm going to be late and the rain's so heavy!! Somemore, I managed to get myself out of the house at 7.45am! (That IS remarkable for me, ok!)
Even walking to my bus-stop, I cant shake that weird feeling off.. i know something is going to happen, but what?!?!! Will I be blacklisted officially as latecomer?? My mind started to race without any directions..I had to do something before it trigger any panic attack.. so I prayed. Yes, I pray with all I know how, yet I've no idea what to pray..I just recited the Rosary (the only formula prayer I remember).. It's just so difficult to concentrate on praying, when you do not know what to pray for... yet I just keep reciting, yes - really reciting or saying it out, if you do know understand meaning of reciting..Reciting is totally different from praying. It calmed me down, yet it just didnt leave me..
(OK, people, things starting to get freaky now..) The moment I reached bus-stop, my bus came. Though it's not my preferred bus (cos it does not stop directly at MRT stop), I'm 'whisked' into the bus..every traffic junction was so good to me! No stopping! Less than 5mins, I found myself briskly walking (not in a rush, just big leisure steps) from alighted bus-stop to MRT. And the train arrived, the moment I followed the crowd onto the platform. How timely! But that's norm for morning trains, right? In a way, I'm rushing for time, yet I'm really not rushing..everything just comes in place for me.. as if they've been waiting for my arrival..
To my suprise, shock or great thanksgiving (whatever), I arrived at VivoCity at 8.30am! Hello, the usual journey takes 50mins (I know cos I work in area, so this journey is my routine)..No matter how I rush to work, 50mins is no-escape. But today, I reached with a 45mins journey! (5mins is really a big deal, if you are taking the same route everyday, doing the same rushing) And yet, today I didn't even feel like rushing!! I'm merely whisked into the crowd and followed teh flow! It's really funny if u understand what I mean..
I cant help smiling to myself - God is so FUN-LOVING! Yes, He is! He's just God, but He's NOT a boring, strict-looking God. First - the sudden rain which detered my good mood; second - the strange feeling of 'something gonna happen'; third - everything is so smooth when I didn't even need to rush! It's like He's already made the way for my entry this morning.
2) We had to lucky-dip our grouping for the Amazing Race game. And I was hoping in my heart that I'll be grouped with Joanne, and Teggy who will be my host for my coming India trip. Trust me, due to personal reasons, I hope for them to be in my group.. And they'are BOTH in my group! Hello, it's lucky-draw, not assigned grouping, ok? I just felt like 'God' for the moment-everything is according to my wish! hahaha..
When the game started, we had REAL fun! Our group leader is so surprisingly energetic! (She's usually not so 'sporty' in office) We totally had fun with her, running with her all over Sentosa, doing through all sorts of challenges.. And you know what, we are the last team to leave (cos the first clue was really HARD), yet we are the first team who completed all the challenges within that 2hrs!) I must say, we are really BLESSED!! Cos we met a lot of kind and fun people who really played with us! We didn't have a hard time to find people to take photos with us, we didn't have to wait for shuttle bus, we didn't even had to walk around the island!! We practically took a hitch-ride from stations to stations, throughout our race! Serious! No joke! Next time, you can try asking for hitch-ride in Sentosa to anyone, really anyone! I'm sure you'll be surprised and have fun like us! The weather is so cooling (not sunny, not rainy, just cooling with such good breeze!) What more can you ask for, in a out-door game event? And we didn't even have to walk long distance to get a ride! It's just pure fun!
3) Last event-Ironman movie. OK, I must say I'm really tired from all the 'walk' in Sentosa. Dark cinema is the best place to hide myself and sleep, without being 'labelled' by my boss! My infected eye was so happy to close, even for a quick nap. Yet, the show is.. OK, the plot is expected..But what impressed me is the actificial intelligence of technology. Imagine constructing vitually, yet able to touch it! Simply pick and throw the wanted ideas into the rubbish bin! It'll be fun if I can do that..
I really enjoyed this 'comedy' if I could put it. Cos I really enjoyed how intelligent Tony Stark is. (yes, it's a frictional movie, but hey, I'm just attracted to this type of 'science geek', ok?) He's totally smart and WITTY, and fun loving too! Where to find such a guy in real world? A nerd + fun-loving wits.. It'll be easier for me to hit jackpot than to find this guy.. Another thing which impressed me is how sensitive, caring and HONEST he is! He's gentle to his 'secretary' with such humour, and caring in his own ways for all people. What a big heart he has - just like a child, childish yet pure! And he simply cannot tell lies! Even though he's all prepared to give his official speech of 'denial', you can see it's just NOT him to deny.. He simply admits his responsibility of Ironman.. haha..
I really find this movie amusing! Besides the cheap thrill of technology, I cant help laughing in my heart.. How can this 'great' guy be possibly exist in reality? He must be king David in the Bible.. What a great heart and wits! And even if there is this person in this world, what makes me think I'd ever stand a chance near him? (OK, I know I'm fantasizing but no harm, right??) This movie is really 'crappy' yet 'heartwarming' for me, as if there's still 'hope' in this world.. hahaa..
I simply had such great time today! I really tried to simplify everything into this entry...I'm so so thankful to God for this day! Such fun he has planned!
"Our God
Is an Awesome God!"
OK, in order not to freak you out or start to be spiritual, I'll keep this entry focused on the events, ok? 1) Rainy morning 2) Amazing Race in Sentosa 3) Ironman movie
1) Have any of you woke up one morning, feeling peculiar for the day? It's like 'something IS going to happen' but yet do not know it's good or bad.. Kinda fear + expectation feeling.. Get it? Well, it happened to me this morning...
I was waken at 7am when I suddenly heard the rain poured down suddenly. Trust me, it's SUDDENLY as my neighbour, who was already on her way out, was exclaiming loudly "Wah, why this rain so sudden?!" Being a sleep-lover, I simply seized the opportunity to laze on my bed, even pulled my dog to sleep with me. How good time flies.. the next moment I know it's already 7.35am! (fyi, company's teambuilding require me to be in VivoCity at 8.30am, and the normal mrt journey require 50mins) I'm so in deep trouble, esp my HRSC VP will be there to flag start the event!
Yet, the moment I stood up from my bed, I just had this strange feeling that everything will be alright today.. I had to double-up my pace in my washing up, changing etc.. and cos of the sudden rain, I had to REPACK my bag in order to put my umbrella and windbreaking jacket (which also act as my raincoat)..What a mess to start off my morning.. For a moment, I even entertained the idea of excusing myself with medical leave, since I'm going to be late and the rain's so heavy!! Somemore, I managed to get myself out of the house at 7.45am! (That IS remarkable for me, ok!)
Even walking to my bus-stop, I cant shake that weird feeling off.. i know something is going to happen, but what?!?!! Will I be blacklisted officially as latecomer?? My mind started to race without any directions..I had to do something before it trigger any panic attack.. so I prayed. Yes, I pray with all I know how, yet I've no idea what to pray..I just recited the Rosary (the only formula prayer I remember).. It's just so difficult to concentrate on praying, when you do not know what to pray for... yet I just keep reciting, yes - really reciting or saying it out, if you do know understand meaning of reciting..Reciting is totally different from praying. It calmed me down, yet it just didnt leave me..
(OK, people, things starting to get freaky now..) The moment I reached bus-stop, my bus came. Though it's not my preferred bus (cos it does not stop directly at MRT stop), I'm 'whisked' into the bus..every traffic junction was so good to me! No stopping! Less than 5mins, I found myself briskly walking (not in a rush, just big leisure steps) from alighted bus-stop to MRT. And the train arrived, the moment I followed the crowd onto the platform. How timely! But that's norm for morning trains, right? In a way, I'm rushing for time, yet I'm really not rushing..everything just comes in place for me.. as if they've been waiting for my arrival..
To my suprise, shock or great thanksgiving (whatever), I arrived at VivoCity at 8.30am! Hello, the usual journey takes 50mins (I know cos I work in area, so this journey is my routine)..No matter how I rush to work, 50mins is no-escape. But today, I reached with a 45mins journey! (5mins is really a big deal, if you are taking the same route everyday, doing the same rushing) And yet, today I didn't even feel like rushing!! I'm merely whisked into the crowd and followed teh flow! It's really funny if u understand what I mean..
I cant help smiling to myself - God is so FUN-LOVING! Yes, He is! He's just God, but He's NOT a boring, strict-looking God. First - the sudden rain which detered my good mood; second - the strange feeling of 'something gonna happen'; third - everything is so smooth when I didn't even need to rush! It's like He's already made the way for my entry this morning.
2) We had to lucky-dip our grouping for the Amazing Race game. And I was hoping in my heart that I'll be grouped with Joanne, and Teggy who will be my host for my coming India trip. Trust me, due to personal reasons, I hope for them to be in my group.. And they'are BOTH in my group! Hello, it's lucky-draw, not assigned grouping, ok? I just felt like 'God' for the moment-everything is according to my wish! hahaha..
When the game started, we had REAL fun! Our group leader is so surprisingly energetic! (She's usually not so 'sporty' in office) We totally had fun with her, running with her all over Sentosa, doing through all sorts of challenges.. And you know what, we are the last team to leave (cos the first clue was really HARD), yet we are the first team who completed all the challenges within that 2hrs!) I must say, we are really BLESSED!! Cos we met a lot of kind and fun people who really played with us! We didn't have a hard time to find people to take photos with us, we didn't have to wait for shuttle bus, we didn't even had to walk around the island!! We practically took a hitch-ride from stations to stations, throughout our race! Serious! No joke! Next time, you can try asking for hitch-ride in Sentosa to anyone, really anyone! I'm sure you'll be surprised and have fun like us! The weather is so cooling (not sunny, not rainy, just cooling with such good breeze!) What more can you ask for, in a out-door game event? And we didn't even have to walk long distance to get a ride! It's just pure fun!
3) Last event-Ironman movie. OK, I must say I'm really tired from all the 'walk' in Sentosa. Dark cinema is the best place to hide myself and sleep, without being 'labelled' by my boss! My infected eye was so happy to close, even for a quick nap. Yet, the show is.. OK, the plot is expected..But what impressed me is the actificial intelligence of technology. Imagine constructing vitually, yet able to touch it! Simply pick and throw the wanted ideas into the rubbish bin! It'll be fun if I can do that..
I really enjoyed this 'comedy' if I could put it. Cos I really enjoyed how intelligent Tony Stark is. (yes, it's a frictional movie, but hey, I'm just attracted to this type of 'science geek', ok?) He's totally smart and WITTY, and fun loving too! Where to find such a guy in real world? A nerd + fun-loving wits.. It'll be easier for me to hit jackpot than to find this guy.. Another thing which impressed me is how sensitive, caring and HONEST he is! He's gentle to his 'secretary' with such humour, and caring in his own ways for all people. What a big heart he has - just like a child, childish yet pure! And he simply cannot tell lies! Even though he's all prepared to give his official speech of 'denial', you can see it's just NOT him to deny.. He simply admits his responsibility of Ironman.. haha..
I really find this movie amusing! Besides the cheap thrill of technology, I cant help laughing in my heart.. How can this 'great' guy be possibly exist in reality? He must be king David in the Bible.. What a great heart and wits! And even if there is this person in this world, what makes me think I'd ever stand a chance near him? (OK, I know I'm fantasizing but no harm, right??) This movie is really 'crappy' yet 'heartwarming' for me, as if there's still 'hope' in this world.. hahaa..
I simply had such great time today! I really tried to simplify everything into this entry...I'm so so thankful to God for this day! Such fun he has planned!
"Our God
Is an Awesome God!"
Monday, May 5, 2008
5 May 08 - Let's not be so religious..
OK, I admit I've been religious in past entries...But what do you expect? I'm totally IN AWE of what's happening! It's like suddenly able to see after being blind... get what I mean?
Fine, let's be more 'mortal' and practical (I'll try ok?).. Hmm... let's see what can I start on.. Oh ya! I'm being 'persuaded' to purchase Wii as my 'investment' to curb my retail therapy (to stop buying things I have to buy thing?). Well, for the better of family, why not.. One thing for sure, my shoe cabinet can finally take a rest, espeically I've bought about 20 NEW pairs while it can only contain 20pairs.. This IS a joy for my family, really, if I can finally stop coming home with a pair of new shoes. Yes, yes I know - I'm shoe-fanatic, and I'm proud of it! :) Now.. I'm going to turn my attention feet fashion to feet health and support.. ahha.. how I pamper my boney feet, for they have to take the full weight of my 40kg everyday!
*****
I went to consult my doc before I came home just now..He's surprised that I'm 'off medication' now (just 3wks ago, he told me I'll need another 2-3mths before he can consider reducing my dosage). Well, i guess it's for the better.. I just wanted to be sure on my mental recovery (I cant believe it myself), and ended up paying $20 for less than 2mins 'assurance consultation'. What a price to pay for professional assurance.. But I just do not want to land myself in a spiritual hipe of delusion or phantasy..It'll be worse than being in mental depression!
I guess this is just me - when I'm on medication, i pray for God's healing; yet when I'm healed, I wonder if it's just another phrase of mental disorder.. I just don't have enough faith to accept His blessings, yet keep praying for His blessings.. So much about being 'Christians'.. Have faith to ask, yet no faith to receive..
Fine, let's be more 'mortal' and practical (I'll try ok?).. Hmm... let's see what can I start on.. Oh ya! I'm being 'persuaded' to purchase Wii as my 'investment' to curb my retail therapy (to stop buying things I have to buy thing?). Well, for the better of family, why not.. One thing for sure, my shoe cabinet can finally take a rest, espeically I've bought about 20 NEW pairs while it can only contain 20pairs.. This IS a joy for my family, really, if I can finally stop coming home with a pair of new shoes. Yes, yes I know - I'm shoe-fanatic, and I'm proud of it! :) Now.. I'm going to turn my attention feet fashion to feet health and support.. ahha.. how I pamper my boney feet, for they have to take the full weight of my 40kg everyday!
*****
I went to consult my doc before I came home just now..He's surprised that I'm 'off medication' now (just 3wks ago, he told me I'll need another 2-3mths before he can consider reducing my dosage). Well, i guess it's for the better.. I just wanted to be sure on my mental recovery (I cant believe it myself), and ended up paying $20 for less than 2mins 'assurance consultation'. What a price to pay for professional assurance.. But I just do not want to land myself in a spiritual hipe of delusion or phantasy..It'll be worse than being in mental depression!
I guess this is just me - when I'm on medication, i pray for God's healing; yet when I'm healed, I wonder if it's just another phrase of mental disorder.. I just don't have enough faith to accept His blessings, yet keep praying for His blessings.. So much about being 'Christians'.. Have faith to ask, yet no faith to receive..
Sunday, May 4, 2008
4 May 08 - Suddenly it's clearer now..
I cannot tell you how happy I am! I have passed the Rite of Acceptance (ROA)!!
During the rehearsal, or in fact all these while, I really didn't regard this rite as any pressure..till this morning. (fyi, last night I had a sudden real bad bad flu, at around 3am..So bad that I really cannot sleep and my ears started hurting badly too.. I began to wonder if I can attend Sunday Mass for my ROA) When I woke up this morning at 7am, I was so refreshed despite the sleepless night. My heart-beat began to gear-up as I prepared for Mass. I almost had a panic attack when I reached church. The excitment was so great within me, though my mind was logically treating it as 'normal process'. I just had to calm myself down in the Adoration Room, let the Holy Spirit take hold of this 'ridiculous' excitment, before any possibility of trigger any depression attack..
I was so so so blessed when I was going through the ROA. It's totally unexplainable! Imagine the whole church accepts the 42 of us as Catechumens, and the joy of commitment is so great when my sponsor blessed me and gave me the cross. I tell you, I'm just so high (for no logical reason) even though I cant jump with joy during the procession (giving respect to the Order of Mass). I'm so sure I will jump so high if I can! Totally freaking me out - feel so happy yet I cant find logical reason for it...
The best part is yet to come.. after Breaking Open of the Word (BOW), my fellow catechumens were supposed to wait for me to a lunch celebration. When I finished 'hugging' around, they had already gone on their way.. What kinda friends huh...I ended up returning to RCIA room, and was invited to join the core team for lunch. (fyi, the RCIA core team usually have fellowship together) Well, I might as well accept the invitation since I'm 'abandoned' anyway..
I cannot put in words how BLESSED I am at lunch! I'm so thankful for being in Wednesday RCIA process, so thankful for knowing Paul, so grateful for having Vincent and Phyllis as my Godparents, so blessed to have such commited team in RCIA..Listening to their concerns and visions for RCIA, it brought me back to the time when I first joined CHC.. We were small team of young adults, desiring to stand in the gap for the lost and making a difference for Christ.. yes - that's how CHC started.. I used to wonder why I couldn't grow with the church, esp I was one of the 'pioneer' batch.. Now then I realised God has His plans..
I cant help smiling and thanking God in my heart, while listening to RCIA meeting...I'm just so thankful to God for placing me in CHC, exposing me to 13years of strong biblical teaching and leadership in CHC. I am just so thankful! I've wasted so much time in wondering on my growth and decommitment to God, yet God has never given up on me. What patience and love He has!
I see the holy fire in everyone at the lunch - ordinary people trying to make a difference, bringing God to people, helping people to understand who God is, what the Bible really means.. I thank God for practically pulling me out and putting me in this journey with these people.. Their discipline and faith in God are so strong and firm - it just 'aligned' with my vision/desire (I'm not using myself as comparison reference, but I do not know what else to explain that flow.. so FLOWING!) It is also then that I realised my Godparents are chosen for me, not that I've chosen them..They are really firm when it concerns matters of God - no "wishy-washy". Let your 'Yes' be 'Yes' and 'No' be 'No'. They are so fun-loving, yet they are so disciplined and committed in spiritual issues. I simply LOVE them from bottom of my heart! Everything and everyone just flows so well, that I simply cannot explain!!
Back in Amplify, things are even more surprising flowing! I really love being part of the youth community-bringing Presence of God to youth so they can return to their parish to make a difference! We desire to build a community with worship, fellowship, discipleship, ministry and evangelism. You cannot believe the 'connection' I feel in every prayer meeting, with everyone in the ministry. I just thank God for all of them - such bonding, commitment and love! Nothing else matters on Fridays; everyone is so eager to gather in CSC for meetings.
To put in plainly, I cannot comprehend what's happening at all, yet I just want to shout 'THANK YOU,GOD!!' It's like being in EXPRESS lane to experience God..really. EVERYTHING flows so smoothly that it's so cranky and freaking.. I can see my calling so clearly..RCIA is 'expecting' me to join their ministry (don't worry, daddy, I will :D ) and I'm also drawn to the youth.. I can practically see myself yet I do not know how I could manage that!!.. I'll keep praying for clearer directions, man.... I really need to know how am I going to do that??!?! The last thing I want is to have everything in an impulse (esp if I've just 'recovered' from depression) and drain myself out.. it'll kill the joy of the Spirit in me.. I want to be planted in good ground and grow to bring harvest! Be wise!
During the rehearsal, or in fact all these while, I really didn't regard this rite as any pressure..till this morning. (fyi, last night I had a sudden real bad bad flu, at around 3am..So bad that I really cannot sleep and my ears started hurting badly too.. I began to wonder if I can attend Sunday Mass for my ROA) When I woke up this morning at 7am, I was so refreshed despite the sleepless night. My heart-beat began to gear-up as I prepared for Mass. I almost had a panic attack when I reached church. The excitment was so great within me, though my mind was logically treating it as 'normal process'. I just had to calm myself down in the Adoration Room, let the Holy Spirit take hold of this 'ridiculous' excitment, before any possibility of trigger any depression attack..
I was so so so blessed when I was going through the ROA. It's totally unexplainable! Imagine the whole church accepts the 42 of us as Catechumens, and the joy of commitment is so great when my sponsor blessed me and gave me the cross. I tell you, I'm just so high (for no logical reason) even though I cant jump with joy during the procession (giving respect to the Order of Mass). I'm so sure I will jump so high if I can! Totally freaking me out - feel so happy yet I cant find logical reason for it...
The best part is yet to come.. after Breaking Open of the Word (BOW), my fellow catechumens were supposed to wait for me to a lunch celebration. When I finished 'hugging' around, they had already gone on their way.. What kinda friends huh...I ended up returning to RCIA room, and was invited to join the core team for lunch. (fyi, the RCIA core team usually have fellowship together) Well, I might as well accept the invitation since I'm 'abandoned' anyway..
I cannot put in words how BLESSED I am at lunch! I'm so thankful for being in Wednesday RCIA process, so thankful for knowing Paul, so grateful for having Vincent and Phyllis as my Godparents, so blessed to have such commited team in RCIA..Listening to their concerns and visions for RCIA, it brought me back to the time when I first joined CHC.. We were small team of young adults, desiring to stand in the gap for the lost and making a difference for Christ.. yes - that's how CHC started.. I used to wonder why I couldn't grow with the church, esp I was one of the 'pioneer' batch.. Now then I realised God has His plans..
I cant help smiling and thanking God in my heart, while listening to RCIA meeting...I'm just so thankful to God for placing me in CHC, exposing me to 13years of strong biblical teaching and leadership in CHC. I am just so thankful! I've wasted so much time in wondering on my growth and decommitment to God, yet God has never given up on me. What patience and love He has!
I see the holy fire in everyone at the lunch - ordinary people trying to make a difference, bringing God to people, helping people to understand who God is, what the Bible really means.. I thank God for practically pulling me out and putting me in this journey with these people.. Their discipline and faith in God are so strong and firm - it just 'aligned' with my vision/desire (I'm not using myself as comparison reference, but I do not know what else to explain that flow.. so FLOWING!) It is also then that I realised my Godparents are chosen for me, not that I've chosen them..They are really firm when it concerns matters of God - no "wishy-washy". Let your 'Yes' be 'Yes' and 'No' be 'No'. They are so fun-loving, yet they are so disciplined and committed in spiritual issues. I simply LOVE them from bottom of my heart! Everything and everyone just flows so well, that I simply cannot explain!!
Back in Amplify, things are even more surprising flowing! I really love being part of the youth community-bringing Presence of God to youth so they can return to their parish to make a difference! We desire to build a community with worship, fellowship, discipleship, ministry and evangelism. You cannot believe the 'connection' I feel in every prayer meeting, with everyone in the ministry. I just thank God for all of them - such bonding, commitment and love! Nothing else matters on Fridays; everyone is so eager to gather in CSC for meetings.
To put in plainly, I cannot comprehend what's happening at all, yet I just want to shout 'THANK YOU,GOD!!' It's like being in EXPRESS lane to experience God..really. EVERYTHING flows so smoothly that it's so cranky and freaking.. I can see my calling so clearly..RCIA is 'expecting' me to join their ministry (don't worry, daddy, I will :D ) and I'm also drawn to the youth.. I can practically see myself yet I do not know how I could manage that!!.. I'll keep praying for clearer directions, man.... I really need to know how am I going to do that??!?! The last thing I want is to have everything in an impulse (esp if I've just 'recovered' from depression) and drain myself out.. it'll kill the joy of the Spirit in me.. I want to be planted in good ground and grow to bring harvest! Be wise!
Saturday, May 3, 2008
3 May 08 - Eve of my Rite of Acceptance
I still cant believe I actually stay in this RCIA journey, going through my 1st Rite tomorrow. When I joined, I just wanted to 'get answer' and get out.. but so many 'strange' things happened.. and I'm still with the journey and happily in it too. Even found a great ministry to serve now and after my baptism. Things just happening so smoothly as if I'm on 'express lane' to know God. You might think I'm religious or another spiritual freak.. It's ok, I understand your doubt and scepticism. And I know no matter what and how I try to explain/describe my experience, you just wont believe me. I know.. I was like that..If you want to 'verify' my testimony, I only can advise u - keep praying to God. He is the Only One who can explain to you. And if He does, please explain to me too..
...Just now, I saw my anti-depression medication under my pillow.. It then dawned on me that I've not been taking it!! If you know someone from medical field, ask them about anti-depression drugs. These are the drugs, once you taken you cannot take them off immediately. Especially I've stepped up my dosage, I'd need to stablise my dosage, before I can step down and gradually off the drug. Trust me - I'm not saying this to sound more dramatic, but it's a fact. Anti-depression is really not those 'take when u need it' kinda drug. Remember I tried reducing dosage once on my own accord, I became so nervous in office for no reason, I even had to miss 1 RCIA session cos I just had to hide in my room that day....simply cant face anyone...
It's amazing how I can TOTALLY forgotten about my anti-depression for so many days now.. and not even have the 'trigger' of breaking down.. .. .. What can I say?.. Remember that night when I was so blessed in Amplify intercessionary sharing? That night I 'just know' I'm free from depression because of the Joy in my heart, remember? OK. I really do not want to be religious but it's really too much of an coincident or strong will..(trust me, I'm not as strong as I seem.) I can only thank God for healing me - GOD IS LIVING GOD! He's not far away in Heaven, watching us through some 'mirror'.. He's not in the picture at home, so near yet so far from the physical.. He is God Almighty, even closer than our every breathing! He is not a 'abstract' idealogy, but a REAL LIVING GOD! ... Sounds as if I'm preaching, but it's really true! I think you will freak out like me when He reveals Himself to you...Ask with your heart and you will find Him, so close to you, then you'll know it's freaking..
... I really don't deserve Him, but that's how much He loves every one of us.. how awesome..
...Just now, I saw my anti-depression medication under my pillow.. It then dawned on me that I've not been taking it!! If you know someone from medical field, ask them about anti-depression drugs. These are the drugs, once you taken you cannot take them off immediately. Especially I've stepped up my dosage, I'd need to stablise my dosage, before I can step down and gradually off the drug. Trust me - I'm not saying this to sound more dramatic, but it's a fact. Anti-depression is really not those 'take when u need it' kinda drug. Remember I tried reducing dosage once on my own accord, I became so nervous in office for no reason, I even had to miss 1 RCIA session cos I just had to hide in my room that day....simply cant face anyone...
It's amazing how I can TOTALLY forgotten about my anti-depression for so many days now.. and not even have the 'trigger' of breaking down.. .. .. What can I say?.. Remember that night when I was so blessed in Amplify intercessionary sharing? That night I 'just know' I'm free from depression because of the Joy in my heart, remember? OK. I really do not want to be religious but it's really too much of an coincident or strong will..(trust me, I'm not as strong as I seem.) I can only thank God for healing me - GOD IS LIVING GOD! He's not far away in Heaven, watching us through some 'mirror'.. He's not in the picture at home, so near yet so far from the physical.. He is God Almighty, even closer than our every breathing! He is not a 'abstract' idealogy, but a REAL LIVING GOD! ... Sounds as if I'm preaching, but it's really true! I think you will freak out like me when He reveals Himself to you...Ask with your heart and you will find Him, so close to you, then you'll know it's freaking..
... I really don't deserve Him, but that's how much He loves every one of us.. how awesome..
2 May 08 - Smug of God
Can you believe if I tell you I can almost see the smug on God's face tonight? .. I really didn't feel like going to Amplify just now, afterall we met whole of yesterday under the super hot sun, sand and sea..Just then, my friend called me to join him for a movie in town as a celebration after his exams. It's been so long since I 'chilled out'..How tempted I was, really tempted.. Yet I know God has prepared something for me through the ministry tonight... Do you understand how I felt? I finally threw the ball to God n 'challenged' him.. If He really want me to go Amplify, He'll make a way, right? I told Him to cancel the movie idea fr my friend, so I will 'no-choice' go Amplify..I know it's kinda testing God, but I really wanted to go out, esp on Friday night!! Guess, what..Just as I'm prepared to leave my house, he told me the movie idea is off..I was like "OK, You win".. Can you imagine the smug on our Almight God? So awesome, right? Who dares to challenge Him...
In the end, I enjoyed myself so so so much with Amplify till 11pm. It's really like a big cell-group/small family though age gap is so diversed..The sharing of Word just so direct and 'aligned' with my 'calling'.I just feel so so so so so at home..Speaking of being in the right place! I've always heard Pastor sharing his joy of being at the right place for God, but I've never really feel it till now! Nothing else matters anymore, you know you are meant to be..
I still remember the concerns of my CGL when I told her 'maybe I'm meant to be in the charismatic movement in Catholic church'..I don't blame her-if my member tells me that, I'll be VERY concerned too.
But if u ask me, why the concern when we are all Christians?.. Well, as a general misconception, cos Catholic pray to Mary and have pictures of Holy Family around, not to mention they have lotsa saints too (trust me, I was THAT anti-catholic too) After crossing over, I learnt a lot more of the Bible and the Church. In the end, all I can say is it really depends on what's your calling in God and where God wants to plant you. I will always thank CHC for being my birth-church, teaching me the Word of God and putting the seed in my heart. If someone is to say something nasty about my CHC family, I will still 'defend' our vision in Christ. Yes, we are very big and 'rich' but we are also doing a lot of missionaries and church planting for the Glory of Christ, hence requiring the finance to work through this material world. You may not understand what we are doing, but do keep praying as a Body of Christ. God's ways are higher than our ways - each of us has a different calling in Christ. We will understand one day when His Glory reveals. It takes whole year of faithful sowing in the empty field before reaping the harvest. No one understand what Noel was doing when he was building the ark faithfully for so many years! :) understand my point?
And if you ask me - why I cross-over? All I can conclude - when God moves, just have to move with Him. I cannot afford to be without Him. Though I cannot understand, but I know He'll show me in His time. Keep praying and keep seeking after Him :)
In the end, I enjoyed myself so so so much with Amplify till 11pm. It's really like a big cell-group/small family though age gap is so diversed..The sharing of Word just so direct and 'aligned' with my 'calling'.I just feel so so so so so at home..Speaking of being in the right place! I've always heard Pastor sharing his joy of being at the right place for God, but I've never really feel it till now! Nothing else matters anymore, you know you are meant to be..
I still remember the concerns of my CGL when I told her 'maybe I'm meant to be in the charismatic movement in Catholic church'..I don't blame her-if my member tells me that, I'll be VERY concerned too.
But if u ask me, why the concern when we are all Christians?.. Well, as a general misconception, cos Catholic pray to Mary and have pictures of Holy Family around, not to mention they have lotsa saints too (trust me, I was THAT anti-catholic too) After crossing over, I learnt a lot more of the Bible and the Church. In the end, all I can say is it really depends on what's your calling in God and where God wants to plant you. I will always thank CHC for being my birth-church, teaching me the Word of God and putting the seed in my heart. If someone is to say something nasty about my CHC family, I will still 'defend' our vision in Christ. Yes, we are very big and 'rich' but we are also doing a lot of missionaries and church planting for the Glory of Christ, hence requiring the finance to work through this material world. You may not understand what we are doing, but do keep praying as a Body of Christ. God's ways are higher than our ways - each of us has a different calling in Christ. We will understand one day when His Glory reveals. It takes whole year of faithful sowing in the empty field before reaping the harvest. No one understand what Noel was doing when he was building the ark faithfully for so many years! :) understand my point?
And if you ask me - why I cross-over? All I can conclude - when God moves, just have to move with Him. I cannot afford to be without Him. Though I cannot understand, but I know He'll show me in His time. Keep praying and keep seeking after Him :)
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