What a downpour this morning - I almost gave in to resting at home the whole day.. In the end, I ended up one of the sardines in MRT can. Though I'm late for official work-hr, but I simply took my leisure pace... enjoying the 'drift' of the morning crowd rush..
I'm still thinking about the issue on Love from yesterday.. Did I sound 'preaching' or spiritual? I hope not.. cos it's direct from my heart and thoughts, hope you'd understand anyway..
Couple of things I've to do as my counselling 'homework'..one of them is to set a goal for myself..Simple to you? I'm sure it is - everyone has a goal in mind for their daily lives..but not for someone who under depression..Like a baby, I am learning to get onto my knees to learn to crawl and walk. I know it sounds simple.. but every move of the process requires so much of me, as if i'm in a vicious battle. It's not easy, especially we do fall so many times while learning to move on.. Back to goal setting, I decided to commit myself to know God more (especially in my Bible reading and QT)..That's spiritual, and for my social, I want to learn guitar and Spanish..
Why spanish? Cos I've always like Spanish, but never have the determination to learn the language. Why not French or ..something more conversational? Firstly I'm against the idea of learning language becos of its economic value..To me, language is a reflection of society culture and history, which is so much valuable than $$ itself..And I've always like ancient language - Latin. Spanish is fragments of Latin as the full Latin language is so profound that it'll require years of language studies. So, I'm taking a 'shortcut' to understand bits of Latin.
Sounds like a lot of things to occupy my time, but I have to work it out with my counsellor..She's like my mental 'mother', helping me to priortise and tracking my progress..I really thank God that my case is assigned to her, when I was so desperately in need of professional support. She is ever so supportive and patient (I am always the impatient one on my recovery).
Looking back now..(gathering my courage to look back), I really don't understand why and how things could go so terribly 'out-of-plan'..But, I thank God for His blessings and guidance in this path..Have you heard of the story - "Footprints"? I really feel it in my heart and so thankful for Jesus who carried me through, even though I do not feel Him..Whether I like it or not, He just pick me up and carry me all through..How great Thou Art!
"There are times in your life where you see only 1 set of footprints, suggesting that you are alone in the walk. But no, My child, it was I who carried you when you couldn't walk, hence you only see 1 set of footprints."
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Monday, April 21, 2008
21 Apr 08 - God loves me very much??
Can i share something which freaks me out early this morning?
My godfather got the message that God really loves me very much while intervening for me in his prayers..Ya, you might say it's usual for Christian to say that, especially to the one they love. But when he says it, I just feel the assurance, the love...this is not just a normal pleasant greeting..This is a timed greeting.
I was so so tired of my struggle that I really THREW everything unto God during the retreat. I'm so fed-up cos I really don't understand what God is trying to show me.. How I wish i could heck-care of my life instead of the constant challenge to balance on this thin line of faith and logic. I simply had enough - I'm going crazy!!
It is with this scream of my heart that I 'challenged' God. I cannot deny the peace, signs and the friends He showed me in my prayers for this relationship with B. Even before my depression, He gave me such peace and assurance that this relationship is blessed. Yet, I do not understand why things still happened to this 'blessing', in such short notice! It's not that I cannot accept the reality, but I can't deny what happened yet i cant explain what's happening.. (see how I can become really crazy?) I'm really so tired of trying to let go, and trying to logic things out in order for me to let go.. (trust me-I'm really screaming crazily) Now, I want to throw everything unto God - If He meant us to be, He'll make a way even when it seems no way. I simply do not have the energy to think anymore..
I am afriad of praying cos the presence is so real yet i cant explain. I really cannot see His Works..it's so so so hard to trust His Heart,esp in this situation. The book of Job keeps coming to me and inspiring me - how he lost everything and everyone he loves in 1 day, the deep depression he was in, the 'sanity' of his mind to trust God in that situation.. the bible stories sound so frictional, yet I know it's TRUE LIFE ACCOUNTS. How can it be possible? How can Job survive the mental torture to trust God in the midst of his depression. NOTHING, Nothing at all in reality is in favour for any reason to trust God for his blessings..How can you call depression a blessing, when it's really a mental torture? You might even say it's self-dellusion, or self-deception, escape from reality.. But in the end, God favours Job's faith and blessed him back in double portion.. How on earth was Job able to do trust God-he cant possibly know for sure if God is going to bless him back..
The only answer i can logic it out is Faith. What a faith Job had, what a faith Mary had... despite what the reality is telling them to do logically, they illogically turn to God and trust Him. That's is Faith? Blind faith is believing what God will do as your prayers, without you seeking His will. But being rational, how do we know what's His will? .. .. It all voices down to Trust in Love..
Someone told me this before "the child love his parents, but could never love more than they love him." This is God's love to us... We've been talking about having faith in God, but what we really need to know is His Love for us. He is indeed our Abba Father! Though we have not seen Him, yet He knew every one of us before we were even formed in the womb. Confusing?.. it's not.. it's just the Power of love..
"Janet, God loves you very much." I really don't understand why, and how..Is this His way of showing His love for me? Having me put through all the trials in my love relationships, though what I truly and only desire is to have a simple love and support my family for Christ's glory? Why others are able to be blessed with such smooth sailing love relationship? No answer - No one can answer, except Heavenly Father. With thanksgiving and grateful heart, I thank God for seeing me through all these trials, being with me all these while, even right now. I do not understand His reasons for all these tortures but I know my Lord is hurting so much more than me, cos of His great love for me. He will reveal His reasons to me one day...
" Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love" - Lamentations 3:32
My godfather got the message that God really loves me very much while intervening for me in his prayers..Ya, you might say it's usual for Christian to say that, especially to the one they love. But when he says it, I just feel the assurance, the love...this is not just a normal pleasant greeting..This is a timed greeting.
I was so so tired of my struggle that I really THREW everything unto God during the retreat. I'm so fed-up cos I really don't understand what God is trying to show me.. How I wish i could heck-care of my life instead of the constant challenge to balance on this thin line of faith and logic. I simply had enough - I'm going crazy!!
It is with this scream of my heart that I 'challenged' God. I cannot deny the peace, signs and the friends He showed me in my prayers for this relationship with B. Even before my depression, He gave me such peace and assurance that this relationship is blessed. Yet, I do not understand why things still happened to this 'blessing', in such short notice! It's not that I cannot accept the reality, but I can't deny what happened yet i cant explain what's happening.. (see how I can become really crazy?) I'm really so tired of trying to let go, and trying to logic things out in order for me to let go.. (trust me-I'm really screaming crazily) Now, I want to throw everything unto God - If He meant us to be, He'll make a way even when it seems no way. I simply do not have the energy to think anymore..
I am afriad of praying cos the presence is so real yet i cant explain. I really cannot see His Works..it's so so so hard to trust His Heart,esp in this situation. The book of Job keeps coming to me and inspiring me - how he lost everything and everyone he loves in 1 day, the deep depression he was in, the 'sanity' of his mind to trust God in that situation.. the bible stories sound so frictional, yet I know it's TRUE LIFE ACCOUNTS. How can it be possible? How can Job survive the mental torture to trust God in the midst of his depression. NOTHING, Nothing at all in reality is in favour for any reason to trust God for his blessings..How can you call depression a blessing, when it's really a mental torture? You might even say it's self-dellusion, or self-deception, escape from reality.. But in the end, God favours Job's faith and blessed him back in double portion.. How on earth was Job able to do trust God-he cant possibly know for sure if God is going to bless him back..
The only answer i can logic it out is Faith. What a faith Job had, what a faith Mary had... despite what the reality is telling them to do logically, they illogically turn to God and trust Him. That's is Faith? Blind faith is believing what God will do as your prayers, without you seeking His will. But being rational, how do we know what's His will? .. .. It all voices down to Trust in Love..
Someone told me this before "the child love his parents, but could never love more than they love him." This is God's love to us... We've been talking about having faith in God, but what we really need to know is His Love for us. He is indeed our Abba Father! Though we have not seen Him, yet He knew every one of us before we were even formed in the womb. Confusing?.. it's not.. it's just the Power of love..
"Janet, God loves you very much." I really don't understand why, and how..Is this His way of showing His love for me? Having me put through all the trials in my love relationships, though what I truly and only desire is to have a simple love and support my family for Christ's glory? Why others are able to be blessed with such smooth sailing love relationship? No answer - No one can answer, except Heavenly Father. With thanksgiving and grateful heart, I thank God for seeing me through all these trials, being with me all these while, even right now. I do not understand His reasons for all these tortures but I know my Lord is hurting so much more than me, cos of His great love for me. He will reveal His reasons to me one day...
" Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love" - Lamentations 3:32
Sunday, April 20, 2008
20 Apr 08 - RCIA 1st Retreat
Hard to believe I'm still in RCIA, I even truly enjoyed the 1st 2-days retreat today! I cant help wondering if this is God's planning.. all along I felt the prompt towards CTK church, yet in order to make 'travelling easier for B', I chose to attend HS-RCIA instead.. Well, I must say, I made a mess for myself.. I couldn't understand nor flow with HS-RCIA approach, and felt so much of a 'outsider'..I know, you will say RCIA is the same everywhere.. trust me, it's really different 'culture' if i may put it this way..
Being of a charismatic background, I tend to be more 'direct' and 'out-spoken'..I really dont like the word 'Protestant' when we are merely different parts of the same Body. In fact, the early Christians do not even have this labelling.. I thank God that CTK-RCIA seems to be tailored for me. It didn't start off with discussion on adoration of saints and Mary etc, but it went straight to the Bible, the church history and the practices (remember? I'm a very theology person - I simply enjoy tracking back church history and even latin reference to Bible).. Every questions are answered so specifically without me asking..Even the Father is so open to discuss the different doctrines in Christianity! I just feel so "at home" in CTK RCIA, right from the start..
"Just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, so in Christ we who are many form one body, and each member belongs to all the others" Rom 12:4-5
I still remember the first RCIA class on 13Feb - I was looking forward for it since Jan08, yet that very day I had a very bad depression attack.. real bad.. so bad that I could not step out of my room the whole day..so bad that I had to sms the RCIA facilitor that I'm not in good mental state to join this journey, perhaps I should withdraw myself.. But I thank God for his reply - he really was ' push' factor to get me out of my house.. Yet, that night I was so afriad of people that I sat in a corner, praying for peace in my heart n fighting to control myself, throughout the whole 2hrs.. I can still remember the fear that night.. God must be with me in this journey that I can 'survived' this day and looking forward for RCIA each week.. I really didn't start it well, but I know God is watching over me and I will complete it with Him..
How time flies..I'm approaching Rite of Acceptance now and even helping fellow-mates to understand the Bible, helping in Bible reading (Me?! giving bible reading - can u believe that?) and bridging the views why people think Catholics are 'worshipping' Mary.. Though the materials in this journey is so theological, but I'm so glad that even these unchurched are open and have the fervency for Word of God n Prayer life! It's really amazing how God works - such 'profound' theology for those really new inquiriers who knew nothing about Christianity at all, yet they are so on fire. And I'm not talking about young people on fire! They are really matured working class, above 35yrs old! Usually people will fall out during the journey, but in this journey, not only we have a record-breaking of 50 inquirers, we also maintain a lowest fall-out ratio. I'm so glad I took up Vincent's advice to start this journey with them..
I do have to confess EVERY wednesday I have to struggle to attend RCIA, though I know I'd enjoy it. Not just the work fatigue, but I'm also fighting the strong mental urge to 'just stay at home'..Taking this retreat for example, I was SO PREPARED with excuses not to attend, esp I had a sudden bad flu on Fri and I'm the only inquirer from my group to attend this retreat..Trust me, I'm certainly not comfortable being the 'only inquirer' of the group.. All I wished is rest and laze at home this weekend.. Yet, I found myself standing outside CTK at 1.30pm, being the first to register..Thinking back,everything went so smoothly for this retreat weekend - my students cancelled their tuitions, so I need not 'apply leave' from them; my mum woke me up so timely in the morning; and my dad offered to give me a ride to church.. hence, i was one of the earliest..though i really didn't feel like going for retreat..
It's just amazing how God works-Nothing can change unless God is willing. Despite my morning struggle, I really enjoyed myself, spiritually and socially, from this retreat. Somehow I know I'll be joining RCIA next year as a Sponsor to help this ministry to integrate inquirers. It's so strange - I was so 'anti-Catholic' yet now I find myself happily planted in CTK, with a desire to help others intergrate! Maybe that's how St Paul felt when he converted from church-prosecuter to church-proclaimer..
I really don't understand what God is trying to direct me or say to me.. But I know He is with me - that's all that matters, isn't it? I can't understand the peace when I was crying over my relationship with B, the signs which direct me to cross-over in my most difficult time..I simply don't understand what happened, what's happening and what's going to happen.. I'm really groping in the dark now, only to know God is with me. Many a times, I'm not even sure what I'm doing is right or wrong, yet I just do it. And it will turn out well.. A puppet, you may say..perhaps, cos afterall, I'm not God - just the Creator's creation. He knew me, even before I was formed in my mother's womb. I just have to trust Him, let His rod and staff comfort me..
"So let us not become tried of doing good; for if we do not give up, the time will come when we will reap the harvest" - Gal 6:9
Being of a charismatic background, I tend to be more 'direct' and 'out-spoken'..I really dont like the word 'Protestant' when we are merely different parts of the same Body. In fact, the early Christians do not even have this labelling.. I thank God that CTK-RCIA seems to be tailored for me. It didn't start off with discussion on adoration of saints and Mary etc, but it went straight to the Bible, the church history and the practices (remember? I'm a very theology person - I simply enjoy tracking back church history and even latin reference to Bible).. Every questions are answered so specifically without me asking..Even the Father is so open to discuss the different doctrines in Christianity! I just feel so "at home" in CTK RCIA, right from the start..
"Just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, so in Christ we who are many form one body, and each member belongs to all the others" Rom 12:4-5
I still remember the first RCIA class on 13Feb - I was looking forward for it since Jan08, yet that very day I had a very bad depression attack.. real bad.. so bad that I could not step out of my room the whole day..so bad that I had to sms the RCIA facilitor that I'm not in good mental state to join this journey, perhaps I should withdraw myself.. But I thank God for his reply - he really was ' push' factor to get me out of my house.. Yet, that night I was so afriad of people that I sat in a corner, praying for peace in my heart n fighting to control myself, throughout the whole 2hrs.. I can still remember the fear that night.. God must be with me in this journey that I can 'survived' this day and looking forward for RCIA each week.. I really didn't start it well, but I know God is watching over me and I will complete it with Him..
How time flies..I'm approaching Rite of Acceptance now and even helping fellow-mates to understand the Bible, helping in Bible reading (Me?! giving bible reading - can u believe that?) and bridging the views why people think Catholics are 'worshipping' Mary.. Though the materials in this journey is so theological, but I'm so glad that even these unchurched are open and have the fervency for Word of God n Prayer life! It's really amazing how God works - such 'profound' theology for those really new inquiriers who knew nothing about Christianity at all, yet they are so on fire. And I'm not talking about young people on fire! They are really matured working class, above 35yrs old! Usually people will fall out during the journey, but in this journey, not only we have a record-breaking of 50 inquirers, we also maintain a lowest fall-out ratio. I'm so glad I took up Vincent's advice to start this journey with them..
I do have to confess EVERY wednesday I have to struggle to attend RCIA, though I know I'd enjoy it. Not just the work fatigue, but I'm also fighting the strong mental urge to 'just stay at home'..Taking this retreat for example, I was SO PREPARED with excuses not to attend, esp I had a sudden bad flu on Fri and I'm the only inquirer from my group to attend this retreat..Trust me, I'm certainly not comfortable being the 'only inquirer' of the group.. All I wished is rest and laze at home this weekend.. Yet, I found myself standing outside CTK at 1.30pm, being the first to register..Thinking back,everything went so smoothly for this retreat weekend - my students cancelled their tuitions, so I need not 'apply leave' from them; my mum woke me up so timely in the morning; and my dad offered to give me a ride to church.. hence, i was one of the earliest..though i really didn't feel like going for retreat..
It's just amazing how God works-Nothing can change unless God is willing. Despite my morning struggle, I really enjoyed myself, spiritually and socially, from this retreat. Somehow I know I'll be joining RCIA next year as a Sponsor to help this ministry to integrate inquirers. It's so strange - I was so 'anti-Catholic' yet now I find myself happily planted in CTK, with a desire to help others intergrate! Maybe that's how St Paul felt when he converted from church-prosecuter to church-proclaimer..
I really don't understand what God is trying to direct me or say to me.. But I know He is with me - that's all that matters, isn't it? I can't understand the peace when I was crying over my relationship with B, the signs which direct me to cross-over in my most difficult time..I simply don't understand what happened, what's happening and what's going to happen.. I'm really groping in the dark now, only to know God is with me. Many a times, I'm not even sure what I'm doing is right or wrong, yet I just do it. And it will turn out well.. A puppet, you may say..perhaps, cos afterall, I'm not God - just the Creator's creation. He knew me, even before I was formed in my mother's womb. I just have to trust Him, let His rod and staff comfort me..
"So let us not become tried of doing good; for if we do not give up, the time will come when we will reap the harvest" - Gal 6:9
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
16 Apr 08 - Another dip??
Decided to start my blogging again. Partly cos i cant take the pressure of this battle anymore..partly i don't know who i can turn to.. who'll understand what is depression, esp the stigma is "mindset problem" when it's not. It's more than mindset, trust me!
I was on MC yesterday, tired from all struggle - mentally and physically. Did nothing, just read a book.. a good book i must say. "Ways to understand Depression" This book is so so true! True depression cannot be whisked off with will. We know what we should do, trying hard to do with all our strength.. even the simplest job now requires such tremendous effort..Sigh.. doubt u people understand the difference of depressed and depression. .. never mind, if you wan to read this book, i glad lend to you.
Coming back to my ytd - it was real relaxing..esp the whole family is staying at home.. I like this feeling of "home"... just a cup of tea n a good book, with my family around.. that is a great way to spend the day!
Despite of all the 'joy' i had, my heart was racing fast ytd... still miss B, but I just want him to be happy.. to love is to let go? i'm not that noble, but i just have to do it.. see - this is alredy a struggle itself. Will there be anyone who can fulfil my 5 requirements again? Even if there is, will i be able to accept?? NO... deep in my heart, i know I won't. It's not just fear, but also tiredness.. I had enough of this game..God, be my Guide- what happened I do not know, what's happening I do not understand, what's going to happen I dare not think.. I just hope I can stable myself, my thoughts, my mood... i have to..
I was on MC yesterday, tired from all struggle - mentally and physically. Did nothing, just read a book.. a good book i must say. "Ways to understand Depression" This book is so so true! True depression cannot be whisked off with will. We know what we should do, trying hard to do with all our strength.. even the simplest job now requires such tremendous effort..Sigh.. doubt u people understand the difference of depressed and depression. .. never mind, if you wan to read this book, i glad lend to you.
Coming back to my ytd - it was real relaxing..esp the whole family is staying at home.. I like this feeling of "home"... just a cup of tea n a good book, with my family around.. that is a great way to spend the day!
Despite of all the 'joy' i had, my heart was racing fast ytd... still miss B, but I just want him to be happy.. to love is to let go? i'm not that noble, but i just have to do it.. see - this is alredy a struggle itself. Will there be anyone who can fulfil my 5 requirements again? Even if there is, will i be able to accept?? NO... deep in my heart, i know I won't. It's not just fear, but also tiredness.. I had enough of this game..God, be my Guide- what happened I do not know, what's happening I do not understand, what's going to happen I dare not think.. I just hope I can stable myself, my thoughts, my mood... i have to..
Saturday, April 12, 2008
11 Apr 08 - What is depression
I'm sure everyone know how being depressed feels like.. but I can tell u with such certainty that being in depression is so much so much different from being depressed.
Many people think depression = mental and emotional state of depress, but how wrong they are, including me.. I used to think that way too..I did cry when i'm depressed.. thought i was into depression.. till I am actually IN depression now..
For those who have not gone through, please DO NOT TRY. It's a horrible illness! I call it illness cos it's really is! We are so normal in our daily lives, we laugh, we joke, we make friends, doing what we do every day.. Yet, there's a constant battle in our mind, a battle we know we cannot afford to lose, yet our strength is so limited compared to its power. Being alone in our thoughts can really cause us to lose this battle, even though we are in party or with friends..
It's so horrible having to fight yourself against yourself. Yes, you may say it's a mindset thingy.. but I can tell u, it's not. In our mind, we are rationale, knowing life still goes on and so must we.. we fell, we pick ourselves up and we move on.. it's so logical and "right-thing-to-do".. But our response to our "logic" is so uncontrollable.. trust me, I know everything of what my family, counsellor and friends urge me to do - the "right thing".. I also want to do the right thing.. but I just cannot control my response.. I need to keep myself on 24hrs guard to 'control' myself, it's so tiring.. it's no wonder people like us think of suicide cos we really trying hard to fight this uncontrollable battle inside, but we do not know how long it'll last.. it's so taxing - both on mental and physical. We have to equip ourselves with 'weapons' and 'strength' to fight 24-7, even in our sleep.
I really don't know how long can I last in this war.. I find myself weaker each day now.. Though I don't want to think about anything, just taking things as they are now....but it doesn't leave me...I know i have to be patient with myself.. but every time i succeed in overcoming one area, it'll attack another.. I'm so tired of this battle.. Why cant the doctor just announce me as 'Crazy' so at least I do not need to fight all these and facing the daily routine stress to be normal? I'd rather be locked up in hospital..I just have to follow the rountine issued by doctor each day and be a zombie..
Yet, for sake of myself, my family and my friends, i have to fight on... Oh Lord, how long will this last? Logically, it will last as long as i'm holding on.. but i'm willing to let go everything.. I love B for coming into my life and forgive B for leaving my life.. I just dont want anyone to be unhappy, like i always tell him just do it as long as u r happy, as long as B is happy..
Guoqiang warned me long before this relationship started.. I should be listened.. so now i'm willing to bear the consequence.. I jst don't know i'd be in this depression thing - it's so much to bear... Qiang..where are you? I'm sorry..
Many people think depression = mental and emotional state of depress, but how wrong they are, including me.. I used to think that way too..I did cry when i'm depressed.. thought i was into depression.. till I am actually IN depression now..
For those who have not gone through, please DO NOT TRY. It's a horrible illness! I call it illness cos it's really is! We are so normal in our daily lives, we laugh, we joke, we make friends, doing what we do every day.. Yet, there's a constant battle in our mind, a battle we know we cannot afford to lose, yet our strength is so limited compared to its power. Being alone in our thoughts can really cause us to lose this battle, even though we are in party or with friends..
It's so horrible having to fight yourself against yourself. Yes, you may say it's a mindset thingy.. but I can tell u, it's not. In our mind, we are rationale, knowing life still goes on and so must we.. we fell, we pick ourselves up and we move on.. it's so logical and "right-thing-to-do".. But our response to our "logic" is so uncontrollable.. trust me, I know everything of what my family, counsellor and friends urge me to do - the "right thing".. I also want to do the right thing.. but I just cannot control my response.. I need to keep myself on 24hrs guard to 'control' myself, it's so tiring.. it's no wonder people like us think of suicide cos we really trying hard to fight this uncontrollable battle inside, but we do not know how long it'll last.. it's so taxing - both on mental and physical. We have to equip ourselves with 'weapons' and 'strength' to fight 24-7, even in our sleep.
I really don't know how long can I last in this war.. I find myself weaker each day now.. Though I don't want to think about anything, just taking things as they are now....but it doesn't leave me...I know i have to be patient with myself.. but every time i succeed in overcoming one area, it'll attack another.. I'm so tired of this battle.. Why cant the doctor just announce me as 'Crazy' so at least I do not need to fight all these and facing the daily routine stress to be normal? I'd rather be locked up in hospital..I just have to follow the rountine issued by doctor each day and be a zombie..
Yet, for sake of myself, my family and my friends, i have to fight on... Oh Lord, how long will this last? Logically, it will last as long as i'm holding on.. but i'm willing to let go everything.. I love B for coming into my life and forgive B for leaving my life.. I just dont want anyone to be unhappy, like i always tell him just do it as long as u r happy, as long as B is happy..
Guoqiang warned me long before this relationship started.. I should be listened.. so now i'm willing to bear the consequence.. I jst don't know i'd be in this depression thing - it's so much to bear... Qiang..where are you? I'm sorry..
Friday, April 11, 2008
11 April 08 - Restarting my voice
i've been doing well past months.. not being religious but i must thank God for His strength in this path.. It's not easy, but i know all things are possible with God..
Had my meeting w my counsellor again..I'm just amazed of my progress as she tracked it down from the starting point.. I know it's not my strength, i'm not that 'noble' or strong to fight this constant battle, but it seems that i've been fighting well.. from the pit, i've stood up...now it is time to learn to stand firm n stable.. like a baby learning to walk..
She keeps telling me i've to be patient with myself, which itself is a struggle for me. So much happened, so much have changed.. i'm just not the J who could pick herself from any fall like before.. Maybe it's a lesson for me, maybe it's just a trial.. Whichever, I know i have to go through life - from pit to greatness (Osman Hillman).
Things which I used to take for granted - fall,stand up,balance myself,walk again.. actions which can be done in such smooth flow and reflex, are now such a long journey for me.. Everytime i look at kids now, encourage me to keep trying.. When there's a will, there's a way..Just have to keep doing, doing and doing till I'm able to stand..
Had my meeting w my counsellor again..I'm just amazed of my progress as she tracked it down from the starting point.. I know it's not my strength, i'm not that 'noble' or strong to fight this constant battle, but it seems that i've been fighting well.. from the pit, i've stood up...now it is time to learn to stand firm n stable.. like a baby learning to walk..
She keeps telling me i've to be patient with myself, which itself is a struggle for me. So much happened, so much have changed.. i'm just not the J who could pick herself from any fall like before.. Maybe it's a lesson for me, maybe it's just a trial.. Whichever, I know i have to go through life - from pit to greatness (Osman Hillman).
Things which I used to take for granted - fall,stand up,balance myself,walk again.. actions which can be done in such smooth flow and reflex, are now such a long journey for me.. Everytime i look at kids now, encourage me to keep trying.. When there's a will, there's a way..Just have to keep doing, doing and doing till I'm able to stand..
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
Thanksgiving
Hi, I'm back - wednesday (RCIA) night again.. I really cannot express how much I enjoy this journey - the way it is structured into the Word, the people and even the difference in praise and worship. I just look forward to RCIA, cant believe next week is my 1st interview..I'm nervous..but I know it'll be a nice interview cos I know I'm ready to move forward in this faith..
Well, how to update u about my past week?? It's freaking me out totally, but I'm learning to enjoy God's grace and favour on me.
Let's start with last Sunday..
I had a dream..and I miss B.. I know it's kinda weak for me to admit this, but yes - I do miss him. I was so affected that I cried in Adoration room again (after so long of non-crying)..Even in Mass, the message was so direct to my heart that I had to hold back my tears! The amazing part is not just the message, but after the Mass, the lady sitting next to me began to share her experience with me! She is like 'so-fated' to sit next to me! I'm in awe of God's plan and also in shock.. how real God is! I am so blessed - I know God is carrying me through this walk (story of Footprints)..
As Manager, I had to face a lot of work issues, from HR, Admin, PR and even office relocation matters. All happens and have to be done at the same time - it is really very challenging, esp with my condition. But I thank God I was able to cope with the workload and stress. The peace came when I started to feel stress and I prayed.
I really like the job - management reports, monthly newsletter, weekly meetings and weekly team gatherings.. It's really a lot, excluding the fact I have to source for interior designers and new office space. My stress come from one source - my boss. His management style is very different from mine and I cannot exchange ideas with him. The whole office knows he is a walking time-bomb. That's why i decided to throw in the towel on Monday.
Trust me, my boss was REALLY angry with me for resigning. He threw his temper at the sales team before he called me in to 'discuss'. I was really very nervous when I entered. But I don't know why - words just came out in such calm tone. And I was released on that same day, though my 2weeks notice still valid (I still get paid!). I was 'relieved' yet feeling 'jobless' when I stepped out of his room. But when I returned to my room, I received this call from my previous boss - offering me a opportunity to return! I was and still am in total amazement on God's plan! Everything just so flow!!!
I am so happy! All my stress and sense of 'jobless' are taken away immediately. I cannot explain how shock I was and how freaking it is to me because God is so real to me!!! Indeed His ways are higher than my ways!
Praise to our Lord, Jesus Christ!
Well, how to update u about my past week?? It's freaking me out totally, but I'm learning to enjoy God's grace and favour on me.
Let's start with last Sunday..
I had a dream..and I miss B.. I know it's kinda weak for me to admit this, but yes - I do miss him. I was so affected that I cried in Adoration room again (after so long of non-crying)..Even in Mass, the message was so direct to my heart that I had to hold back my tears! The amazing part is not just the message, but after the Mass, the lady sitting next to me began to share her experience with me! She is like 'so-fated' to sit next to me! I'm in awe of God's plan and also in shock.. how real God is! I am so blessed - I know God is carrying me through this walk (story of Footprints)..
As Manager, I had to face a lot of work issues, from HR, Admin, PR and even office relocation matters. All happens and have to be done at the same time - it is really very challenging, esp with my condition. But I thank God I was able to cope with the workload and stress. The peace came when I started to feel stress and I prayed.
I really like the job - management reports, monthly newsletter, weekly meetings and weekly team gatherings.. It's really a lot, excluding the fact I have to source for interior designers and new office space. My stress come from one source - my boss. His management style is very different from mine and I cannot exchange ideas with him. The whole office knows he is a walking time-bomb. That's why i decided to throw in the towel on Monday.
Trust me, my boss was REALLY angry with me for resigning. He threw his temper at the sales team before he called me in to 'discuss'. I was really very nervous when I entered. But I don't know why - words just came out in such calm tone. And I was released on that same day, though my 2weeks notice still valid (I still get paid!). I was 'relieved' yet feeling 'jobless' when I stepped out of his room. But when I returned to my room, I received this call from my previous boss - offering me a opportunity to return! I was and still am in total amazement on God's plan! Everything just so flow!!!
I am so happy! All my stress and sense of 'jobless' are taken away immediately. I cannot explain how shock I was and how freaking it is to me because God is so real to me!!! Indeed His ways are higher than my ways!
Praise to our Lord, Jesus Christ!
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