19 Sep 08 - Thank you, my friends

Something has been prompting me to return to this blog these days..

After reading B’s reply, to be honest, I felt the pain again.. hence I didn’t want to return to this blog again.. (FYI, I’ve hidden this blog from my dashboard and am active in my new blog) I’ve not even bothered to take a second look here.. but now that this something has been prompting and I’ve returned.. I just want to THANK ALL OF YOU who has been reading my diary (not a uplifting one though).. but you still gave the time to read.. THANK YOU!! I LOVE YOU PEOPLE!

*****
To Jn, Anonymous and friends>
I really thank you for sharing my pain and even anguish. I thank God for your prayers and care. But I hope my experience will not pose any hindrance to your happiness.

God loves you too. He wants to bless you with blissful relationship and marriage. Stay close to God and He’ll show you to the one who has been waiting for you – the one whom He has planned for you.

But be assured that there'll be trials in relationships. But God's eyes are upon those He love and He'll see you through it all. That is a promisee!
Keep the faith up, continue to believe in Love for love is from God.

*****
To B>
You have written an excellent reply.. totally impressive..
But you would never be able to imagine or even try to understand the pain and hurt I’ve gone through because of your words.. I really pray you’ll learn from this – YOUR WORD IS YOUR BOND. Do not let your tongue speak idle words in future. You may not see the impact but consequences of these words will surface one day.

In a way, I have to thank you for putting me through this journey.. For God has shown me through this pain that He is so much closer than I thought..

I forgive you, B.
I know you do not know what you were doing when you said those words to commit or even those hurtful words to push me away. Nevertheless, please know that I love you. Let God be our Guide and lead our ways in future. God loves you, Bosco.

10 Aug 08 - My last entry for B

i dunno to feel sad or happy..dunno what to do..
i know i've been thru this before,2 times..for TH n for Lawrence.. i know i can do it,but it still hurts me so much to do this..

i was quite happy from my encounter in adoration room and Mass this morning.."Take heart,it is I;do not be afraid"...but now the joy is covered by this.. i know i have to move on..i tot i was moving on fine.. why do i have to meet him?..

i know the B now is nt worthy of my tears n my hope that he might read this blog one day.. but i did it anyway with the slightest hope.. perhaps perhaps perhaps..too many perhaps with hope.. when my greatest fear realises now,i find myself with this hurt again..but i'm nt crying,i'm nt smiling..just peace..the strangest peace..as if i've always prepared myself for this.. yes i fear,totally afraid this would come..but i've also learnt what u fear most will come true,rather than what u desire. so i guess that's it..

For sake of my family,i'm moving on..i have to.. but i'll always love B..from this distance. I know i wun be seeing him again,unless it's God's Will that we should be together. I wont see him again.. it hurts but i have to trust God in His timing, in His plan. I'll only make things worse for me to bear if i dun trust Him.. J,u r really of little faith..

i've arranged his stuff to be taken away..trust me-it's not easy as for me as u r reading now..but while i'm still sensible now,i might as well act fast.. I might regret tmr,or one day.. but this is what i have to do for now..

.... .... call it spooky - but someone just sent me an email "Waiting on God - This is the lesson for us. We must wait for God's timing and embrace wherever we are in the process. When we find contentment in that place, we begin to experience God in ways we never thought possible." what a timely message for a broken heart..

i will always love you, Bosco. I love you.

9 Aug 08 - NDP08, Black Knights n B

before i start this entry,i just want to thank all of u for all ur love n concern(dun care if u've been reading or just happen to read my last entry)..Thank you! Dont worry i'm ok..I'll be still and wait for the Lord(that's what He has told me to do)..He will make a way when it seems to be no way..

*************
just watched BEST part of NDP08 parade - my all-time fav:contingents from army+navy+airforce (men-in-uniforms!!! OK OK, i've this super fetish for men in uniform..) and super awesome airshow performance by Black Knights. in fact, i ONLY watch these 2 items;the rest of it i've no interest..even the songs and fireworks have lost their appeal..i'm very contented to be in my room now,be with my blog..

watching the airshow,i really miss B..B is a fan of aerospace too (in fact he's greater fan) my excitment for such boy-stuff only exist after my involvement in Aerospace event..the feeling of flying in the air..totally amazing n addictive..(dun worry,i wun be a pilot-the air traffic is safe).B flew solo on a plane before.. i cant tell u how proud i am of him, i really am. how many people can have this SOLO experience?

B was with me in NDP before..in padang..we were excited,at least i was.. i'm really proud to be Singaporean. How we cheered and even attempted to join that dance-step.. mind u,B is really good in dance,he picked it up so easily..we had such fun..

but now,i'm alone..patroitic but alone..(OK my whole family organise this great feast to celebrate at home n everyone is here,but i still feel alone..)

B might be in his granny's family now to celebrate this day..but will he be thinking of me?.. will he ever know i still love him? i know it's not for me to decide or expect from him,but i'm still a mere human..i still love n miss this person i love so much, even though it's been so long.. I still love B

7 Aug 08 - Stop pushing me!

Feeling very upset now..

B finally replied to my hardening sms sent on Monday (the one which i told him i'll arrange his stuff to be couriered over)..he replied "Dun be silly.We're still friends and i can still pay u visits right? tonight u free for me to get the stuff?If not,can we arrange a day next week?Monday or thursday if u can.My stuff have been there long anough,not very nice occupying ur space.haha"

honestly, what is he thinking!? Cant he see i have my reasons for not wanting him to be around my family, my parents? I dun want to upset my parents, though i'd like to see him again. Yes-we might still be 'friends' to his definition; but friends come my house upon invitation! His invitation will come one day, but not now... I requested for his address in order to courier..

The sms continued and he's kinda persistent to get his stuff face-to-face with me (minus my parents). What a good reason - save money.. And he wants to pass me my stuff (my stuff? it's few items, of which only my Jap notebook matters to me).

I really dun like it when he keeps pushing me into this corner. in the end, i decided to tell him off by 'informing' him i'll be away and will contact him when i'm back (esp since he dun bother to follow my blog anyway)..

Then his ULTIMATE sms came - "where r u going n how long?Dun wanna drag this longer leh.Just wanna settle thing thing coz its been on my mind n its tiring to keep dragging" Can u feel the pain in my heart? I know what has to be done have to be done. But I've already proposed a DOMESTIC COURIER, why is he pushing me!?

In my totally upset mind, i shut him up with "U can courier to me since u'r in hurry.Btw,u've not given me ur adress.Thanks." What a political sms! I cant believe i actually sent it. But I am really really very very upset!!
Enough is enough - Stop hurting me when i'm trying to do something about it!

...he din reply..and i still don't know his address to arrange his courier...

SunScreen

I really like this song cos it's the most sensible song i've ever heard..

********
Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of ’97

Wear sunscreen;
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience…I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth;
oh nevermind; you will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded. But trust me, in 20 years you’ll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked….You’re not as fat as you imagine.

Don’t worry about the future;
or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing everyday that scares you

Sing

Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts;
don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss

Don’t waste your time on jealousy;
sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind…the race is long, and in the end, it’s only with yourself.

Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults;
if you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters;
throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch

Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life;
the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don’t.

Get plenty of calcium.

Be kind to your knees;
you’ll miss them when they’re gone.

Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll have children,maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll divorce at 40, maybe you’ll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary…what ever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either – your choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s.

Enjoy your body;
use it every way you can…don’t be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, it’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own..

Dance;
even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.

Read the directions;
even if you don’t follow them.

Do NOT read beauty magazines;
they will only make you feel ugly.

(Brother and sister together we'll make it through Someday your spirit will take you and guide you there I know you've been hurting, and I know I've been waiting to be there for you. And I'll be there, just tell me now, whenever I can.
Everybody's free.)

Get to know your parents;
you never know when they’ll be gone for good.

Be nice to your siblings;
they are the best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go,but for the precious few you should hold on;
Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard;
live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.

Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths;
prices will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old, and when you do you’ll fantasize that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were
noble and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don’t expect anyone else to support you;
Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one might run out.

Don’t mess too much with your hair;
or by the time you're 40, it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it;
Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen…

(Brother and sister together we'll make it through Someday your spirit will take you and guide you there I know you've been hurting, and I know I've been waiting to be there for you. And I'll be there, just tell me now, whenever I can. Everybody's free.)

5 Aug 08 - Want to be alone

i really want to be alone..perhaps it's first sign of depression relapse,perhaps i really need to be alone to discern from God..As usual, i look forward to return to my refuge country - Taiwan. I imagine myself being in the mountains, with all the greens and farm animals alone, all the fresh air,nothing to bother me.. I really want to be alone..

But i know it's not possible..at least not this month.The 'retreat' lodge has just been affected by the Typhoon..it'll take them a while to get back to business again, even though i wish i can fly over this weekend. I know i have to be normal, try to be normal.. maybe the song will fade away,maybe things will get better.. just keep holding on.. regardless how i feel,life still goes on, the race's still on.. i cant win if i give up running, even slow jog now helps..just keep moving..

i know i'll return to Taiwan.. just a matter of time.. hope i can maintain my sanity till then.

darling...darling..my darling..where are u? will i be able to find u before i lose my sanity?

4 Aug 08 - Miracle of Time 歲月的奇蹟

this morning i read B's sms which i received last night(it came to my phone while i was writing my diary my notebook last night,i didnt want to let go of my diary)..the sms says he's surprised to see me too,didn't know what to say,n hope to catch up again..what a politically correct n polite message to a friend u bump into.. it hurts.. a person who know u so intimately yet has to use such formal social greetings? what is he thinking? does he not know that such formal greetings hurt the one who love him so dearly? i harden my heart n sent a political polite response..and inform him i'll find a way to return his stuff to him without having him to come over..

i remember how he came up to me when i returned from shanghai,how he said he had prayed about us,how he said 'this is the last time i'll take this path to come you house' and how he promised that he'll take care of me forever..i dun wan him to discredit his words..a man's words is his bond. Be it casually or seriously,the tongue hold the power of life n death. if one day,he'd to return..i pray God will make another way for him, for us..cos he had taken this path to return before,and his words had closed that door..May God open another path for us..

the return journey back to singapore was a challenge again..i dun even dare to look out of the windows,at the green fields cos it reminds me of my Tioman trip w B..we had a great time though it was a short trip..i really miss my darling..where is he? i cried on the bus again..i tried to fight my tears with God's Promises mp3,sleep and even tried to make myself focus on the cartoons channel in the coach. Anything that can keep me away from breaking down, from missing B..

i know i need to be back with my family asap,so i called my dad to pick me up from the coach drop-off point. when the reunion settled down at home,i keep hearing this song..Miracle of Time..a song which B n I inspired to pen it down during our dating period, in a music cafe,..and he composed into this really beautiful song..he sang to me on my birthday n i recorded it in my handphone.. this is OUR song..

i cant shake it off..the lyrics,the rhythym keeps singing itself in my heart...i miss B..i really do.. but i know i'll make a fool of myself again if i see him face-to-face.. God, i know it's a nice song but please make it stop before i slip into depression again..